lbz_1979 Reviews

Madame Web (2024)

The same writers wrote "Morbius", "Gods of Egypt", and "Last Witch Hunter." Who hires these hacks?

[1/10 · 19 May 2024]

These writers have now written four of the worst movies if the last ten years. They should be blacklisted from Hollywood as should those who hired these buffoons.

Dakota Johnson is the worst of the Nepo babies. How did Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith produce a kid with no discernible talent? She is more wooden than Pinocchio and below average in looks. There are so many struggling actresses with actual talent that will never get a chance because of people like her.

This makes Daredevil look like Top Gun: Maverick. I feel sorry for anyone who paid for this in the theater unless they brought in a 12 pack of Modelo with them. There's no way someone should watch this sober.

One More Shot (2024)

Almost no martial arts. Now fat, Jai White is on screen 5 minutes.

[3/10 · 11 May 2024]

Not a good sequel. The first one had much better acting. This is basically just a gun movie. Adkins barely fights in it and when he does, the choreography is mediocre at best.

I noticed that in his recent movies, Jai White is always wearing baggy clothes. You can tell by the bloat in his face, that he is no longer jacked. He looks bad... bad for him not for the 60 year old that he is. Why cast him if he is only going to be in the movie for five minutes?

I've never understood why Adkins is stuck in this VOD garbage. He's an amazing martial artist and actually a good actor. Yet when he does do a theatrical movie, he's a bit player like in Bourne or Dr. Strange. He deserves better.

Lights Out (I) (2024)

Combining Van Damme's Lionheart, PTSD and corrupt cops is a huge fail.

[2/10 · 27 April 2024]

B movies should be fun and entertaining not trying to do Martin Scorcese. And why cast Scott Adkins if you're going to use him for five minutes?

There are at least ten different plots going on and none of them are good. Even the fight scenes are weak. Mekhi Pfeifer looks like he's been on a cheeseburger and pizza diet and Jaime King's hair is laugh out loud ridiculous.

This movie fails on every level. 85 minutes feels like three hours. This is a complete embarrassment for all involved. The director straight up steals the Jet Li Romeo Must Die X-Ray punch effects. And where did the 7 million budget go? Garbage.

Children of the Corn (2020)

Did Tommy Wiseau make this?

[1/10 · 30 March 2024]

Beyond incompetent. How did they spend 10 mil on this? The effects look like they were done by a 10 year old who takes the short bus. The little villain girl looks like the girl who played the robot girl in Small Wonder. She has a promising acting career as a barista at Starbucks in her future.

Elena whatever from My Big Fat Greek Wedding has the charisma of a mannequin. Her only career highlight was her full frontal nude scene in Wife/Like. Her body was rocking. She should do the Shannon Tweed, Julie Strain route and stick to Skinamax movies. I'm guessing the adults were pulled from the Mobile, Alabama homeless shelter and given $50 in food stamps as payment.

Everyone involved should be blacklisted in Hollywood.

The Royal Hotel (2023)

Cleaning a litterbox is more thrilling than this pile.

[1/10 · 30 March 2024]

Nothing happens. Two irresponsible party girls go broke and take a job in a rural area populated by horrible drunk misogynists and decide to stay. Why would any woman with a brain do that? Do they enjoy abuse and sexual assault?

Easily the worst movie of 2023 and the writer/director should never be allowed to do another movie. She has zero talent and obviously has connections in the industry because this is pure garbage. If I was Julia Garner, a very talented actress, I would tell people that I lost a bet and had to do this POS.

I intend to go to a hypnotist tomorrow and ask him to remove this from my memory.

Rumble Through the Dark (2023)

Depressing, boring nonsense

[1/10 · 20 March 2024]

We have Aaron Eckhart as a dimwitted drunk so called fighter. Then there's Bella Thorne who apparently hasn't skipped a buffet lately but has the skin of an addict playing a carny. She's apparently cast just to show her cellulite.

Nothing and I truly mean nothing happens for 90 minutes except depression. Aaron Eckhart looks like he's aged 20 years in the last 5. What happened to him... A former A lister now doing B movie dreck and looking like an AARP member.

This is honestly abysmal. At least it was free on Tubi. I would rather clean my cat's litterbox with my tongue than watch this again...

Quiz Lady (2023)

NOT a road trip comedy as advertised but very good nonetheless

[8/10 · 3 November 2023]

First, Sandra Oh needs to stick to comedy. I have never enjoyed her in dramas, she comes across as whiny and cold but she is terrific in this and a good foible for Awkwafina.

Not a laugh out loud comedy but touching and sweet. Will Farrell should stick to smaller parts like this. When he's the lead he is overwhelming but in smaller parts he often steals the show. The best part is that you don't even see it as an "Asian" movie, you just see two damaged people looking for a purpose in life. When race disappears in movies, you know that it's a well written and well acted film.

Give this one a chance.

Killers of the Flower Moon (2023)

So slow that I fell asleep.

[5/10 · 20 October 2023]

About 90 minutes in, I fell asleep. This is a slow movie. There's no reason for this to be three and a half hours. I admit that I am not a Scorsese fan. But my mom is Menominee Indian so I thought this would be a good movie to take her to.

So much if this could have been cut. Robert De Niro really needs to retire. He appears to be headed the Bruce Willis way where lines are being fed to him. DiCaprio was terrific and the lead actress was very good. I will say that DiCaprio must be living a hard life. He's only 4 years older than me but looks like he could be my dad. Cruise and Pitt are in their 60s yet look 10 years younger than Leo.

Honestly, this would've been better at home.

Expend4bles (2023)

Grab a VHS copy of Commando or Wanted: Dead or Alive instead

[2/10 · 21 September 2023]

100 million for this? The CGI was mid 1990s quality and the filters they are using to age down Stallone, Lundgren and Statham are terrible. Stallone has more fillers and Botox in his face than Janice Dickinson or Renee Zelwegger.

Iko Uwais was the only redeeming aspect of this film. The plot was probably generated by AI since no writer could be this bad. Personally, I would have had Isaac Florentine direct this because he does an amazing job with his low budget Scott Adkins films like Albert Pyun did in the 90s with Cyborg and Nemesis.

This is a hack movie that should have gone direct to Netflix. Jason Statham us racking up an impressive career of garbage. Why not just pair him with Kevin Hart and we can see the worst movie ever made.

Heart of Stone (I) (2023)

Another big budget Netflix disaster; Worse than Red Notice

[2/10 · 11 August 2023]

Gal Gadot is not a leading lady. When will Hollywood learn this? She has zero charisma and no discernible acting skills. Yes, she is nice to look at but not for 2 hours.

This movie makes Atomic Blonde look like a masterpiece and that movie was mediocre. With a supposed endless supply of money, how does Netflix continue to make garbage?

I thought Fast X was the worst movie of the year but this is the new "winner." You would think Gadot's English speaking skills would have improved by now but you almost need subtitles during some of her scenes.

Jaime Dornan has done some good work in the past but this isn't it. The rest of the cast are a group of unknowns and this junk certainly won't help their careers.

The bad news is that Red Notice 2 is in production so that will probably be worse than this celluloid atrocity.

Untold: Johnny Football (2023) Season 3, Episode 2

He has learned nothing. This unsympathetic hasbeen won't make it to 40.

[1/10 · 11 August 2023]

Unreal how a guy can completely learn nothing after destroying everything in his life. Partying, drinking and drugs destroy his career, "marriage" and looks (he looks 45 not 29) yet he wouldn't change a thing? He is either lying to himself or is just refusing to admit his failures publicly.

He comes across as an arrogant jerk who has nothing to be arrogant about. He peaked at 20 and by all accounts has done nothing with his life for 10 years and most likely will drink himself into liver failure by the age of 40.

If the director's motive was to make his subject look like a loser and generate no sympathy for him, he succeeded. Most people in Manziel's situation would want to come across as apologetic and sympathetic. Manziel does the opposite. He comes across as a truly horrible person. There will be no redemption story. He will end up in a gutter with a fifth of Fleischman's Vodka in his hand and no one outside of his immediate family will care. The signs are there; bloated face, red face due to broken blood vessels from excessive drinking, looking 15 years older than his age, and on and on and on.

A simple Google and LinkedIn search reveals he hasn't had a steady job the last 8 years... failed car salesman, failed real estate agent, etc.

This documentary should be retitled: Johnny Failure: Life's Biggest Loser.

Hidden Strike (2023)

Which was worse... The CGI or Cena's hair dye borrowed from Seagal??

[1/10 · 29 July 2023]

This was incomprehensible garbage. After seeing this, I can't even imagine how bad this director's Expendables 4 is going to be.

John Cena's jet black hair dye was hilarious. It looked ridiculous, worse than anything Travolta has used over the last 20 years.

I like Cena and you can't blame him for this. Daniel Day Lewis could not have rescued this dreck

Then there's the CGI. You would think they borrowed the technology from the mid 90s. It was beyond bad. There is no chance they spent 80 million on this. I just saw the new Australian horror movie "Talk to Me" which was shot for 4 million and that looks 10 times better than this garbage.

Stay away, stay far away!

Talk to Me (I) (2022)

Tense and Creepy. Right up there with "It Follows"

[9/10 · 29 July 2023]

Normally I despise the horror movies that A24 outs out. The Witch, Hereditary and Midsommar are three of the worst movies that I have ever seen. But this movie is a winner.

Australia seems to turn out far better actors than America. This young cast was excellent across the board. The last decent American up and comer was Jennifer Lawrence and she's approaching her mid 30s.

A supernatural story that has been told 100 times before somehow comes across fresh here. The tension never lets up and there are some brutal scenes that really get to you.

The ending was predictable but appropriate and of course leaves the sequel door wide open.

Horror movies have been so bad the last ten years so when a good one like Black Phone or this one comes out, it really strikes a chord. Hopefully these directing brothers stick to horror and avoid the inevitable superhero junk movies that they will be offered due to their talent.

This must be seen on the big screen to get the full effect. There were only six people at my showing. Hopefully word of mouth prevents this movie from falling through the cracks.

Cabin Girl (2023)

How is Tubi making better movies than Netflix?

[7/10 · 18 July 2023]

Netflix movies have A list stars and 100 to 200 million dollar budgets. Tubi movies cast complete unknowns, character actors and C listers with budgets under a million dollars. Don't get me wrong, Tubi makes some real turds but they also make some above average movies like this one while Netflix continues to make dreck like Red Notice, Bright, Bird Box, etc.

This movie is well written and well directed. The lisp of the main actress was a little annoying, but other than that she was quite good, effectively portraying a woman losing her sanity. The male lead was very good and has a great onscreen presence. This movie is helped immensely by three very good character actors, Tergeson, Rispoli, and Weixler. Character actors like these deserve more praise in Hollywood.

This is a quick 80 minute watch that never bores and has a nice little twist at the end. Keep it up Tubi.

No Hard Feelings (2023)

Played it too safe but I guess these are our times.

[5/10 · 25 June 2023]

Remember the good old days of the American Pie movies, The Hangover, Superbad, The Sweetest Thing, etc.? Remember when movies were gross, stupid funny and horribly offensive? Well I do and I loved those days.

After seeing in interviews Jennifer Lawrence express the same feelings and say that this movie was an attempt to go back to those times, I was excited to see it.

But after a promising start, it drifted into a play it safe buddy/romantic comedy. Lawrence was great, the actor playing the kid was good but outside of a few go for broke scenes, it was barely more than PG-13 material. This had so much potential wasted. Why was Matthew Broderick even in this? He's a very funny comedic actor but contributed nothing in this film.

The 2010's and 2020's are just rotten decades for comedy, music, movies, etc. They just totally suck.

Detective Knight: Independence (2023)

A very sad end to a very good career.

[1/10 · 30 May 2023]

I knew this movie was going to suck but I wanted to see it anyways since it was Bruce's last movie.

The cheap, ketchup like blood squibs, the obvious earpiece, the terrible supporting actors, and on and on and on.

You hear stories of Willis being horrible to work with, terrible to costars, disrespectful to directors yet he still had a great career. Moonlighting, Die Hard, Pulp Fiction, and my personal favorite, the chronically underrated The Last Boy Scout.

Shame on his family members and so called friends for exploiting him in garbage like this for their own greed. They are pathetic human beings.

FUBAR (2023– )

This was a soap opera, not an action show!

[4/10 · 27 May 2023]

I was expecting True Lies and I got Melrose Place. So many ridiculous interpersonal subplots and almost zero action.

Jay Baruchel was completely wasted. He deserved better. Arnold was fine and still looks good, besides the liver spots, but why didn't they have him kick some ass? Monica Barbaro was just annoying. Her whiny character sucked.

The only positives were Travis Van Winkle and especially Fortune Feimster. I honestly never thought much of her before but she was very good in this. Who knew that she would be the breakout star from The Chelsea Handler Show. She is naturally funny and charismatic.

This could have been so much better.

The Getback (I) (2023)

Tubi actually made a good movie! Miracles do happen.

[7/10 · 23 May 2023]

I'm actually shocked. Every other Tubi movie I have seen has sucked. The two leads had good charisma. I know it's a generic plot ala Midnight Run but it is well executed. Theo Rossi and the bail jumping kid both put in way above average performances for a low budget movie and Kim Coates is always good.

For a movie with obvious budget constraints, it's well shot and edited. Apparently Tubi is flush with cash so hopefully they start making more content like this instead of that horror junk they've been outting out

Give this one a shot. It's not a bad way to kill 80 minutes. Honestly more entertaining than Fast X which was abysmal.

White Men Can't Jump (2023)

White Man Can't Act. Stop remaking classics!

[2/10 · 20 May 2023]

About 15 years ago they were going to remake Back to School with Usher and call it Black to School but thankfully the head of the studio yanked it. Too bad they didn't do the same with this one.

The basketball scenes were mediocre at best and there was zero humor. The two leads had no chemistry and the female leads were awful. At least Rosie Perez had charisma. It's an absolute shame that Lance Reddick went out on this turd. He was a terrific actor and deserves better than this.

I just don't understand how the writers are on strike. Putting out stale, unimaginative junk like this and you want more money?

The Mother (2023)

The Top Ramen of action films. Just filler, no taste or satisfaction.

[2/10 · 13 May 2023]

I'm not the biggest J-Lo fan but she is a talented actress and undeniably beautiful. Unfortunately, she is badly miscast in this and I'm not trying to be meanspirited, but she was in atrocious shape. You would have thought if she was going to do an action movie that she would get fit for the part like she was in "Enough."

Seeing her in this, you realize Milla Jovavich or Charlize Theron would've been a much better choice if sticking with a 50ish actress. Having her portray the baddest former spec ops soldier is ludicrous. The director was also a poor choice. Why choose someone with her filmography to shoot an action movie? The action was so poorly staged for a 100mil+ budgeted movie. Jesse Johnson, a guy who has directed multiple movies with Scott Adkins and Michael Jai White, films action sequences 20 times better with 5% of the budget.

And Joseph Fiennes? This guy should be forced to change his last name. It's time he take some acting lessons from his brother because the younger Fiennes truly sucks.

J-Lo needs to follow her husband's lead. He spent 10 years making terrible film choices and then finally realized that taking roles where he didn't have to be in 90% of a film's scenes and being willing to be part of an ensemble can lead to a career resurrection.

This, like essentially every other Netflix made action film, is a phenomenal disappointment.

Paradise City (2022)

Besides Stephen Dorff, this has some atrocious acting

[3/10 · 29 April 2023]

Dorff still has a lot of talent although he needs to stop drinking, smoking or tanning because his face is weathered worse than the Gobi Desert. I can't see why he isn't getting decent roles, he still has a very good screen presence. He must've ticked off the wrong people. On the other hand, Travolta is terrible. At least Willis has a health excuse for his recent terrible performances. Travolta just flat out stinks worse than a truck stop bathroom.

However, Blake Jenner deserves a Razzie for this performance or lack there of. He us abysmal and based on his recent lack of roles, casting directors must agree. I guess it couldn't happen to a better guy considering he is an admitted wife abuser.

Beau Is Afraid (2023)

I'd rather lick my cats' litter box or a truck stop toilet

[1/10 · 23 April 2023]

I knew I should have brought beer into the theater. It might have made the three hours go by quicker. I only wish Van Damme or Seagal was still making movies that went to the big screen so I could get even with my friend and drag her to one of those movies for her bringing me to this waste of celluloid. I love the fake high brow people who praise the movies made by this terrible director. I thought Midsommar was as low as Aster could sink but obviously just like an alcoholic, his rock bottom knows no bounds. I would rather watch a marathon of the Bloodrayne movies. At least I would get some laughs.

Mona Lisa and the Blood Moon (2021)

Did Craig Robinson eat Chris Farley?

[6/10 · 11 February 2023]

His deal with Pizza Hut must include 4 XL pizzas per day. I half expected Bill Cosby to come out and say "Hey, Hey, Hey it's Fat Albert" every time Robinson appeared on screen.

Well shot movie. Not much of a plot. But this and Glass Onion prove that Kate Hudson still has talent and should be getting much better roles. Ageism in Hollywood towards females is awful. The best actresses in movies today tend to be over 40 yet struggle to find decent jobs. Kate Hudson is still gorgeous and shouldn't be relegated to lower tier movies.

The younger star of the movie has a good screen presence. Hope to see her again.

Panama (I) (2022)

45 Executive Producers/Producers and 9 Production Companies Listed in the opening credits

[1/10 · 15 January 2023]

That is the real count. Add in a massively doughy Cole Hauser who looks like he got diet advice from Steven Seagal and has a terrible Southern accent and you have a truly atrocious movie. I'm guessing most of the budget went for Mel Gibson's alcohol and Hauser's donuts, pizza and black hair dye.

Beyond boring, poorly written and incapably directed by the guy who put out Crank and Gamer, two massively overrated movies. 20 minutes in, there is a scene with "the bad guy" introducing his three fiancees that has to be seen to be believed. It is mind numbingly stupid. This is embarrassing for all involved.

100%: Julian Edelman (2019)

100% Over Inflated Ego. More shirtless slow-mo than Baywatch

[1/10 · 30 June 2019]

I watched this thinking it might be a cool underdog story. Instead we get countless shirtless montages, D list celebrities like Michael Rappaport and Bill Burr telling you how great Edelman and the Patriots are and occasional shots of his daughter watching him work out. Nice quality daddy/daughter time.

As a bonus we get Marky Mark dropping countless F bombs but not as many as he and the studio head dropped after Mile 22 flopped worse than a European soccer player.

Why not just have Tony Robbins and Flavor Flav show up as his hype men while Edelman squeezes out 2 more shirtless reps?

I do enjoy how he makes himself a victim for taking steroids. Cue Sarah McLachlan music.

Utter garbage.