thatsarappp Reviews

Ghouls (2008 TV Movie)

Does for Romania what 'Wrong Turn' did for West Virginia...Actually, no, not really.

[2/10 · 4 July 2010]

This is one of those rare horror films that I find absolutely no enjoyment in whatsoever. I say rare because I am a huge horror fan, and even really bad horror films almost always hold my attention. I have spent many a Saturday just soaking in the glorious cinema the Syfy channel has to offer. The average movie-watcher's terrible horror film usually equates to a decent watch from my perspective. And more often than not, even the ones that are truly atrocious have moderate to exceptional comedic value. I'm afraid such cannot be said for 'Ghouls'.

It's biggest and most obvious flaw is the terrible plot. We know there are ghouls who are trying to reclaim something or another, and in doing so cross the plane from the spiritual world into the physical world. Beyond that, I'm not really quite sure what was taking place, or why. Speaking of that, I'm also a little confused as to what exactly was left to be accomplished for these ghouls as far as crossing over into the physical world, seeing as they actually feed on people's flesh, and can (somehow) be mortally wounded by gunshots and grenade blasts. Can't really get much more physical than that.

James DeBello is not a bad actor. No, he's really not. This was just not a role meant for him I guess. He was great in 'Detroit Rock City' as a goof ball stoner. He was even good in 'Cabin Fever', because even though that was a serious role, the film had its comedic elements, and his character was a huge part of that. He was just flat here. No emotional range at all. It was pretty rough to watch actually. Except that part on the horse and carriage where he grunted a lot. That was really funny.

The ghouls themselves were actually kind of cool to look at. That's about all that can be said for the film as far as positives. It is evident they had SOME budget to work with. The ghouls themselves weren't a total embarrassment. Effects otherwise were well above Syfy original-type standards. Other than that, this was pretty god awful boring. I see no reason to recommend anyone watch this film. Often even really bad films offer something. This offers nothing. Just a really dreadful film that you probably won't even make it all the way through before giving up and turning it off. (My ESPN the magazine on the coffee table eventually drew me away.)

Next time you're in the mood for some horror involving druids, human sacrifice and worship of Satanic beings, do some reading on George Bush and friends and Bohemian Grove. It's really much more interesting.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Words cannot even describe...Well, I guess they can. Huge disappointment, bordering on horrific.

[2/10 · 28 March 2010]

I am, admittedly, someone who believes in Jesus as who he says he is in the Christian bible. (Who HE says he is, not who "christians" say he is.) I am also rational, open-minded, and can certainly have a sense of humor when it comes to things of this nature. In fact, I was pretty excited to watch this when I read about it. Low budget in itself does not automatically disqualify ANY film from being considered one of quality. It can be done with great skill, creativity and style. By reading some of the reviews here and on Netflix, I got the impression JCVH had those things going for it. Good God was I wrong.

It was by no means offensive. In fact, it didn't even border on it for me. Blasphemous? I suppose, in the most fundamental way, and to only the most small-minded of the Christian community. Perhaps the reason I found it so shockingly unoffensive was the fact that I never even really felt as if I was watching Jesus. That guy was no more Jesus than he was Ving Rhames. Chris Kattan, sure. Jesus, not so much. I read someone imply the film had some biblical wit to it- that is, the writers had some knowledge of the bible and used it to make the film funnier. That turned out to be untrue as well.

The film is not really overly crude or vulgar, which is probably what most people expect it to be when they read the basic plot synopsis. Truthfully, it wasn't even funny at all. Weird and incredibly awkward, yes. Genuinely funny, not at all. There were even parts that made me feel very weird inside, and I think at one point I threw up in my mouth a little. (Transvestites with big hairy boobs tend to do that to me.) Now that I think about it, a little good old fashioned crude vulgarity would have done this film some good.

As far as the technical aspects of the film, well, they are atrocious in every way imaginable. Again, with a little hard work and creativity, low budget can be done with some style. This was brutal to watch. The sound was some of the worst I've ever seen, if not THE worst. The dialog was so not in sync with the picture it looked as if it was dubbed. Visually, it was just as bad. Now, I'm no Avatar fan boy who judges films only by their visuals. (In fact, I pretty much hate all action movies.) But this was unbearable. Hard to believe this thing was made when it was.

The reality here is, this is an awful film. The whole thing really just made my skin crawl. I really wanted to like it, and I stuck it out all the way to the end. But when all is said and done, there's nothing appealing about this film beyond its premise. And because the premise itself is still fantastic, it gets saved from the dreaded 1/10 rating.

Undead (2003)

Wtf?

[4/10 · 10 February 2010]

Possible minor spoilers...

First thing's first...There are pros and cons to avoiding IMDb prior to viewing a film. One major pro, I have found, is when you check out IMDb prior to viewing, it can create unfair and unrealistic expectations for a film, be it high or low. This can ultimately greatly affect your opinion of the film. If you go in with no, or very little preconceived notions, you are likely to appreciate the film far more, and give it a much fairer assessment. Hence the reason I have started to do this. Films like this one make me reconsider that decision. Why? Because then you don't get blindsided by something so misleading, such as this film. And boy is it. I don't mind the occasional horror comedy. In fact, I enjoy them if they're actually good (unfortunately most aren't). I can even get into a sci-fi film every now and then. But I don't want to be tricked into watching either. That's precisely what happened here. So if you're reading this and are expecting a legitimate horror flick, that is not what this is.

I can't honestly say I flat out hated this film. It had its moments, that's for sure. There were some genuinely funny parts, and if it only had three or four, that's three or four more than the zombie "comedy" I watched just a few nights earlier (Dance of the Dead *cringe*). Of course, those funny parts couldn't really even come close to making up for the incoherent, and at times flat out boring, mess that this film really is. It severely lacked a solid plot or some kind of direction. Way too many moments where I'm left pondering whether I'm supposed to laugh, or if they're trying to be serious here. I should be able to know the difference. The whole time I was really just trying to figure out what the hell was actually going on. I still don't know.

There also seemed to be religious (christian) undertones. Not that this is either a good or a bad thing. I'm just quite surprised no one else seemed to catch it...At one point, the zombies are zapped with the white beam from the sky and change back into humans, at which point they are raised up into the sky. Walking "dead" are transformed (given new life) and then promptly raised (resurrected) into the heavens. The alien also had a few things to say shortly thereafter that could be taken to be along the same lines. Either way, doesn't affect my opinion of the film.

Other than those handful of funny moments, it doesn't have a whole lot going for it. The acting and lighting were both sub par, and it had some pretty questionable effects. Not to mention there really was no significant zombie action to speak of. They kind of just stood there and growled, with the occasional "braaainsss" or "jooinn ussss" being mumbled. All that being said, I can honestly say it is the best Australian zombie alien horror comedy I've ever seen!

The Last House on the Left (2009)

Get all your breathing in during the first half hour, cause after that you wont have a second to catch your breath.

[9/10 · 12 January 2010]

I've seen a lot of films in my day. I worked my way through the entire horror section at my local video store as a kid, and not too many films get inside my head or have a profound impact on me (while I'm watching or afterward) anymore. The Last House on the Left certainly did. Prior to finally seeing this incredible film, I nearly bought it several times, even going as far as to have it in my hand only to put it back in favor of something else. As you can imagine, what discouraged me all those times was the numerous reviews I had read about how awful it was. I believe one of Entertainment Weekly's writers even gave it an "F". The only "F" I'd ever seen dished out in the magazine. But for as many negative reviews there were, I saw just as many praising the film. Enough was enough, I paid the $19.99 for it. It was worth every penny....

Lets be clear, first off...This film is not for everyone. And I fully understand the "love it or hate it" pattern that has emerged. It's extremely rough to watch at times, and made me- a horror junkie from the time I was about 9 years old- quite uncomfortable at times. For some this is a bad thing, and indeed what would inspire the negative reviews. For others, like myself, this is exactly what I am searching for. If you're like me, ignore the negative reviews, as they are undoubtedly primarily coming from those who are not looking for what you are.

Another thing to consider is, there is a rape scene. If you've seen another remake of a Craven film by the name of The Hills Have Eyes (my all time favorite horror film), and had trouble watching that one, stay away from this one. I assure you, it is worse than that of THHE. No need to contribute to the undeserving bad reviews if you know from the get-go that you're only going to detest what you see. The scene was a tad difficult for me to watch even (especially with my girlfriend watching as well), and did seem to drag a little longer than I would have hoped. That being said, it only added to the mounting tension and general discomfort of the film. And because of that, I cannot honestly speak negatively about it.

The most important thing I can tell you about TLHOTL without spoiling anything is it has intensity that is matched by few horror films that I've seen. Like the title to my review suggests, I was hard-pressed to find a moment in which I could catch my breath. I was fully swallowed up by the film's tense and nerve-wracking atmosphere, and that is something I experience very infrequently. Very little, if any of this atmosphere was created by cheap scares and "make you jump" moments. Purely psychological, and due in large part to the absolutely brilliant acting of Aaron Paul (as usual) and Monica Potter, whose nervous looks, expressions and mannerisms literally blew my mind.

I can also say in all honesty that there are no blatant typical "WTF is he/she doing??" moments you tend to see in horror films. Unrealistic acts of utter stupidity that ruin the mood and quite possibly even the film itself. There were no half-hearted chuckles coming from me during those 114 minutes. This is easily one of my top 10 favorite horror films of all time, and I'm still debating with myself as to whether it is worthy of an overall top 20 spot, which it may claim yet.

In regards to the original, I have not seen it, so I have nothing to offer as far as a comparison. However, you can be sure I plan to see it now.

Outstanding. 9/10

Amityville II: The Possession (1982)

Good times? Perhaps.

[3/10 · 15 October 2009]

The other night I decided to do a little research on some of the "best worst" movies of all time, and I was surprised to find this guy on one of the lists. And since it has been part of my DVD collection for several years now, it was right there for me to take advantage of. I wasted little time, although I was a bit skeptical as to how significant its comedic value would actually be. It didn't disappoint. I'll tell you right now, there are major spoilers to follow. Of course, after reading them, you'll more than likely have the desire to watch the movie, rather than the other way around. I'm going to focus on the comedic aspect of the film only for this review, in the interest of not writing a book.

Here are just a few spectacular moments and reasons to give this a watch: 1. The mother's acting...It is priceless. Her reactions never seem to fit the severity of what she's reacting to. Some of her lines are also pretty damn memorable. Early in the film, there's a part where she is describing to her kid the presence she felt in the basement, and that she felt like "someone touched her". Her description was, well, genius. "It felt like....Fingers on my arm." Bravo! Another 'scratch your head' type line delivered by her occurred when the priest made his first visit and she introduced him to her son. "This is my first born, Sonny. He hasn't been feeling well lately." I don't know, it was just so perfectly random, considering nothing had really occurred yet. Including the big "event", which I was made to believe was the official takeover of Sonny.

2. The incest subplot. Is an incest subplot not enough reason to watch a horror movie? No, I'm not a creep. I just find it amusing in certain situations. This little addition led to quite possibly the single greatest moment in the film. Sonny, in all his possessed, depraved glory, begins to seduce his sister. (This all seemed to go down without the sister having any clue as to what was happening, despite the nauseating and cringe-worthy brazenness of the whole thing.) Finally, all bets are off and he asks her to take her nightgown off, "just for a second". Her reply? She would be outraged I would assume. Nope, her look of confusion quickly changed to a big smile as she replied cheerfully, "Well, only for a second!" That turned out to be the longest second in human history, as you may have guessed. I don't think I need to inform you what went down next. Nonetheless, brilliant.

3. Sonny's "transformation" at the very end of the film. Oh boy. Now, we've seen the physical effects possession can have in horror films. The most notable example being Linda Blair in 'The Exorcist'. Of course, that was reasonably well done, especially for that time. This started off silly enough with the hideous deformities and massive subcutaneous bumps and such. But to see him go from 'Lost Boys' vampire/Pluto from 'The Hills Have Eyes' to something from a science fiction film somehow reminiscent of 'Ghoulies' was a monumental achievement considering the whole thing is actually spiritual at its core. I am at a loss for another explanation for this scene. It was truly mesmerizing.

There are countless other absurdities contained in the 104 minutes. The father (whose name escapes me at the moment) got in on the act as well, and basically the entire final 30 minutes or so was inconceivably unrealistic in every way. Lets just say freeing someone awaiting trial for murder can be easier than you think. Oh and also, the film would like you to believe that a visibly ill priest could be left in an abandoned house (that had already miraculously exploded and survived twice) unbothered by the dozens of police, media and other people surrounding the house. It was a fitting conclusion actually.

I didn't read any of the reviews on here, but I did see the one on the main title page, and it's titled "Better Than The First". My memory of the first is relatively vague, but I'm 99% sure that is not the case. Unless we're going on pure entertainment value, then I suppose the argument could be proposed. I can't imagine how someone could actually take this film seriously. In fact, the 4.8 is something of a mystery. If you don't try to view this seriously, it can be a pretty enjoyable experience.

Ginger Snaps (2000)

Umm...No.

[3/10 · 24 September 2009]

Once again, I was drawn to a film I hated in the past, but figured I'd give another chance, now that I have evolved very much as a movie watcher. Actually, the main reason I decided to give it another chance was the ridiculously high rating it has for a horror film (And more specifically a werewolf film). I thought, "There has to be SOMETHING to it"...Well, there isn't. I'll say it flat out, this is among the most overrated films of all time.

First of all, I don't understand what is so smart or clever about using puberty hand in hand with werewolf transformation, or as some kind of metaphor. The concept, like the film itself, is lame.

Second, the film is one sequence of absurdity after another. Really, a collection of completely ludicrous and unrealistic situations. For instance, slaughtering a girl in your kitchen, and somehow pulling off hiding her in a freezer in a matter of seconds, which is presumably the amount of time elapsed between them hearing their parents arriving home, and their parents actually making it to the kitchen. Add to that the fact that she was frozen solid in a matter of no more than a few hours (And that is a stretch), AND the fact that they managed to somehow pry her out with a screwdriver, and it's getting laughable now. There was also a scene in which they murdered a guidance counselor in the middle of the day, and somehow no one seemed to notice. I guess a bloody mess in a school office is more easily overlooked than it would have been in my school days. Who knew? Those are just two examples...That was the theme of the film. Absurdity.

There is no intense or somber atmosphere people speak of. It is drab and boring. Nothing special acting-wise either. Nothing holding my attention whatsoever.

The one thing I will give it credit for is some pretty comical moments. The school nurse was especially priceless in her discussion of the female reproductive system, and even moreso in her facial expressions. The mother also had some gems of her own. But without a doubt the funniest moment was the one time you actually got to SEE a werewolf. I swear it resembled one of the goblins from Troll 2 more than a werewolf. I actually said out loud, "Go back to Nilbog Ginger". That moment at the very end of the film salvaged the 108 minute endeavor from being a complete waste, I suppose.

In the end...6.9 is not just dumb, it's unjust, and bordering on offensive. I say this because there are legitimate horror films out there that have far lower ratings. FAR lower. I will NEVER understand what people see in this.

...On a side note, after reading the plot summary for the sequel (As I somehow own both), which in itself exceeds the comedy of the first, I have been suckered into watching THAT. That is on my agenda for tomorrow. We'll see how that plays out.

Elephant (2003)

It would be impossible to make a case for it being good.

[1/10 · 3 May 2009]

Several years ago, I tried on two separate occasions to watch this film all the way through. I failed both times. Well, I figured Id give it one more shot, considering my taste and knowledge in movies has changed quite a bit over the years. It took only a few minutes for me to realize just how putrid this film really is, and why I couldn't finish it. However, this time, I forced myself to sit through the whole thing.

This film doesn't really require a detailed review. Because the truth is, it's the most boring, amateur, unimaginative piece of film-making I've ever seen. The first two spots on my list of most hated films remain intact, only due to many outrageously bad qualities. Elephant lacks the blatant mistakes and shortcomings (Other than two teenagers being able to order powerful automatic weapons through the mail as if they were water pistols), but it also doesn't possess ANY obvious good qualities. Like I said, I still hate two particular films more, but if I were forced to name the worst film of all time (Based on things like writing, direction, creativity, and so on...), I would be lying if I didn't say Elephant. Truthfully, I could have made this film in a day, and Im pretty sure I could have done a better job. There is nothing appealing or captivating about it.

If you enjoy staring at people's backs as they walk, for a solid five minutes at a time, then knock yourself out. Dialog of any kind is almost non-existent. And when there is dialog, it's awful, and really contributes nothing to the film. The 7.3 this film has is mind-blowing. I suspect the people that rate this film highly are the definition of pretentious film snobs. Maybe they can label it art or something. Of course, art requires creativity of some sort. Elephant is 100% devoid of anything creative. Seriously.

Perhaps the best thing about this film is that it is less than 80 minutes long. Other than that, I am hard-pressed to name a single good quality. It is truly, truly excruciatingly bad. It is empty, and completely aimless in everything it does. I strongly encourage anyone reading this to pass on this experience.

Click (2006)

The Most Surprising Movie I've Ever Seen

[9/10 · 29 March 2009]

In order for me to write a review, there must be a good reason. Im not one of those people that can just pull some huge review out of my @$$ for every movie I see. Click is something special, and I feel obligated to do my part to make people aware of the fact that this is actually a great movie, and not at all what you probably think it is.

Let me start by saying, Click is advertised all wrong. It is advertised as just another mindless Adam Sandler comedy. And while it certainly has its typical Adam Sandler moments, it has true heart. Something you hardly see in a Sandler movie.

It starts off light-hearted and comical, and remains that way for a while. However, slowly but surely, you watch as the transition between goofy comedy and deeply emotional drama begins. The contrast is stark, and of a magnitude not often seen. The truth is, there are several scenes that are brutally sad. One in particular really threw me for a loop, and is among the most emotional scenes I've ever laid eyes on. In the midst of all the heavy stuff, there are some little reminders that, hey, you are still watching an Adam Sandler movie. Quite frankly, I could have done without them. And it is one of the movie's few true flaws. In my opinion at least.

Many people bash the ending. But the reality is, it was written exactly the way it had to be, in order to make the movie as effective as it is. Had it ended differently, the whole message behind it would have been diminished somewhat. That's all I will say.

The bottom line is, it is an incredibly overlooked and misrepresented movie. One with some deeply moving moments, and a powerful message to go along with it. I recommend it to everyone, unless you really have a hard time with the sad stuff. In that case, it may be best to avoid it. At the very least, it will surprise you. At best, it will shock you, and really have an impact on you emotionally.

Death Toll (2008)

Wow

[1/10 · 21 March 2009]

To say Im a huge DMX fan would be a gross understatement. So when I saw a movie starring my man, that appeared to be more drama than action, I had to buy it. I didn't expect too much, but I also didn't expect a total piece of garbage.

Im going to be honest with you here...This is one of the worst films I have ever seen. Not THE worst, but definitely somewhere in the top 10. Im actually kind of surprised everyone involved in this project would allow this thing to hit the shelves. Because in all seriousness, I would be ashamed to be associated with this mess.

First of all, DMX and Lou Diamond Phillips have no business being the first credited actors, and no business being on the cover of the DVD. Why? They are hardly even a part of the film. X appears 3 or 4 times for less than a minute each time, and Mr Phillips has about the same amount of face time. This is not good, as the film really could have used more of them to redeem it somewhat.

There is no story, it jumps all over the place, there was LITERALLY ZERO character development, and the acting was horrific. It was pretty much 80 minutes of people shooting each other full of holes. Other than that, it was a series of images that add up to nothing.

It is not often that I have a tough time finishing a movie. This one nearly got the better of me, but I stuck it out. It really was not to my benefit. I don't really know what else to say. This film is really bad. I honestly cannot say one good thing about it. That's frightening. Do not spend money to watch it, seriously.

I really, for the life of me, cant figure out what these people were attempting to accomplish here. Regardless of what that may be, they failed miserably. I don't often hand out 1s, but I am obligated to do so in this instance.

Silent Hill (2006)

Somewhat deceptive

[6/10 · 8 March 2009]

I haven't written a review in a long time. But I feel I have some semi-insightful ideas to contribute to the reviewing of Silent Hill. So.....

I originally bought this film as soon as it came out on DVD. I watched it right away, put it on the shelf, and pretty much forgot about it. Today, something drew my girlfriend and I to Silent Hill, and we decided we would watch it again.

I had a decent recollection of the film, but decided I would open IMDb and read a little bit to refresh my memory some more. Upon logging on, I noticed I originally gave it a score of 6/10. I also noticed that it's overall rating was 6.5. That intrigued me a bit as I assumed it was much lower. Plus, my favorite horror film of all time happens to have that same rating. So, I had semi-high hopes as my opinion of many films has changed over the years.

Right from the start, it is very appealing. They waste no time whatsoever getting to the relevant stuff. The film has literally no empty, needless minutes, like many 100+ minute films have (The best example of this would be many of Stephen King movie adaptations). And I must say, 45 minutes to an hour in, I was beginning to wonder why I rated it as low as I did. Everything was moving along quite nicely. Very creepy, very interesting.

Then, the second half of the film started to take it's course, and everything started going downhill. The eerie atmosphere and suspense created by the creatures themselves started to dissipate as we begin to see less and less of that aspect of the film. The focus began to shift completely to the actual history and story itself, which is not necessarily a bad thing, by any means. But, I feel they did a poor job of incorporating the terror and fear of the present situation, and the urgency of the task at hand. And as a result, the whole second half of the film became quite dull.

Then you have the crazy religious freak, which gradually goes from a significant but simple part of the story, to a shameless attempt to portray religious people in as negative a light as possible. We've seen enough of that in films these days. If the opportunity presents itself, even in the slightest fashion, it is capitalized on nearly every time. But that, in itself, does not ruin a film for me.

The real problem comes as we get closer and closer to the conclusion of the film. And it's a problem I see repeatedly, mainly in the horror genre. The relentless desire and attempt to create dramatic effect and shock value ends up creating aspects of the film that are just completely over the top. It's as if the director reaches a plateau of fright and apprehension, and then just cannot resist trying to take it one level higher. Typically, this ends up taking away from the film, overall. This is a real problem with MANY films. In fact, I watched another horror film last night that had me thinking the exact same thing.

There are also some confusing elements and loose ends that are ultimately not tied up. I wont get into detail on those. I suppose there is something to be said for leaving certain things to the imagination. But everything has to be just right for that to work. That really didn't appear to be the case with this film. Still, it is NOT BY ANY MEANS, Mulholland Dr.-type confusion and uncertainty. But then again, no film has confusion and uncertainty to rival that mess.

Overall, it's decent. It's user rating is fairly close to accurate. Definitely not a waste of time, but certainly nothing that will rock your world in any way.