christopherbirk-ny Reviews

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Crazy Ride!

[9/10 · 27 March 2024]

I don't know what Carpenter was on, when he made this film. It's a giant mess - but in a fun way. Not "typical" Carpenter but you get sucked in nevertheless!

It's a funny thing - besides James Wong, literally everyone's acting in this film is terrible, like really terrible! Kurt Russell is some strange caricature of himself, if that's even possible. Despite all this? It's madly entertaining and you're loving every minute. The effects are actually pretty good, considering this is 1986 and I don't think it's a big budget film.

I was very young when I first saw it, so could be the nostalgia- but to me it still works - well, besides the cringeworthy acting performances of course! Treat yourself to this! I say it's wort it!

Van Helsing (2004)

It is what it is!

[8/10 · 11 March 2024]

Yes it's sillly, no it's not intellectual, yes, it's maybe not an award winning script! But this is pure fun, pure action and also quite hilarious in places. And it doesn't hurt that it also, via the two main actors, gives you a weird Wolverine meets Underworld vibe that actually works.

Great special effects and monsters everywhere. What more could you ask for? I am not sure what I expected but I was entertained from start to finish, so maybe thats the key.

Don't expect anything realistic and don't expect performances to win Oscars, and you'll be in excellent hands.

Or maybe it's all also because I'll watch anything with Kate Beckinsale. This might also explain why I like it! But it really isn't bad, as long as you expect entertainment and not a masterpiece.

Ditte & Louise (2018)

Pretty Good

[7/10 · 3 January 2024]

This film is actually pretty hilarious, and also touching in places. The ending is not great, I think, which is why I wouldn't rate it higher. But it's hilarious, raunchy, and full of all the things you expect in a Danish comedy. It's also a pretty good look at what it's like to be a woman in a "man's world" - and shows it with humor and realism. There's plenty of awkward moments most of us can relate to, and I particularly enjoyed all the outrageous situations, often sexual, these gals find themselves in, both as women and also having to deal with the way other women can be. This film doesn't really hate men either, which is a nice touch. It just shows what it's all like, and how human interaction can be a big, fat mess many times - and it's okay!

Five Nights at Freddy's (2023)

Take it for what it is!

[6/10 · 27 December 2023]

I often wonder what people compare films to these days, what it "needs to achieve", in order to please them.

Yeah I get it, we are all different and like different things, but some films aren't exactly that hard to figure out, and what they're about, what they "try to do" is fairly obvious. This is one of those.

It's not terribly deep, it's not terribly complicated, it's just an entertaining ride through a fairly thin story. And to me, it doesn't try to be more and that's okay. It entertains and that's the purpose. The particular combination of a little horror, trying to be cute with a little message, entertainment, a splash of humor and some very decent effects, makes it sort of unique, despite not being a masterpiece.

So yes, I enjoyed it. And if you didn't, I think you watched a movie you were very well aware you shouldn't have watched.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)

Could have done without the songs!

[6/10 · 11 October 2023]

A visual feast and it's always great to see Gandalf again. Not a bad story - and I'm not sure why, but the singing ruined it a bit for me. It just seems out of place. I'm not sure why they decided that but maybe it works for others.

Compared to LOTR, most of the new characters aren't all that interesting either. There seems to be something missing. Story-wise it's interesting and definitely worth a watch but the entire film seems rushed, a tad all over the place and maybe not with the same care that was given to the LOTR movies. Could be that it's because the dwarves were alway my least interesting characters. Enjoyed the "deeper" look into the lives of the elves though. But this one is a tad less believable in most areas.

Blue Sky (1994)

Lange does what she does best!!

[10/10 · 1 August 2023]

I think this film IS Jessica Lange! I've had the pleasure of meeting her in person and I think this role is closer to her actual persona than any other she has played. And boy does she do it well. I'm not even concerned with any of the flaws this film has. Lange shines like she never has before..... Arguably I think she shines in everything but this and Francis has to be the toppers.

She's mesmerizing from start to finish and you feel for her, with her and the layers this character has makes her so well played, I can't even talk about it.

I love Jessica Lange! That's no secret! But this is a great film too. Great supporting cast, music, direction - all of it. But if you have any admiration for her and her craft, watch this film!! It's not just a good film, it's also a study in some of the finest work an actor has ever done on screen.

Would You Rather (2012)

Wasted potential.

[4/10 · 26 July 2023]

This could have been great, I think. It just doesn't go there. It all stays on the surface and the main characters are played by mediocre actors.

Many of the themes are recognizable, and makes me think of films like Saw, Hunger Games and You're Next, among others.

It's an interesting experiment but what should be explained isn't and what should remain a mystery is explained too much. Combine all that with poor acting and it just doesn't become very believable, and doesn't affect you the way it was intended.

I don't know if this is considered a low budget indie film - but if it is then it's a very good attempt. The funny thing is that if this is "Hollywood", it's pretty awful and if it's someone's pet dream-project then I'm impressed. It's watchable for sure - but just doesn't go where it should.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

Don't believe the haters!

[7/10 · 3 July 2023]

If you grew up with Indy and LOOOOOVED the movies, then you'll love this "farewell" film as well. I think it showed respect and did honor the spirit so many on here complain about it not doing.

Is it disneyfied? Yes! But far from how they've managed to ruin many of their films and TV shows recently. So for once I think they did get it right. My biggest criticism would be that disneyfication. It does dumb down things and make everything a tad more superficial and unrealistic. But luckily I think many other things made up for that so this one will definitely be worth seeing again I think. Some random plot holes and weird things here and there - but again, not as much as "Crystal Skull". Clever way of using newer technology to make him young again as well - though that did end up looking a bit fake in my opinion. Still didn't take away from a fun ride, which is what Indy is all about.

Knock at the Cabin (2023)

Did you get it?

[5/10 · 18 May 2023]

I'm at a loss here! I'm not sure I get what the point is.... Can someone help? Is this supposed to "simply" be some Bible reference or what?

There seems to be quite a bit going on that's supposed to "lead" to something somewhere - and then for me it doesn't. I might just completely miss what this film is about. But up until I stared at the beginning of the credits and loudly said "WHAT?" I was entertained.

Say what you will about M. Night but he makes original films. They may not always "work" but they sure are original and for that he deserves a lot of credit. And furthermore it's very nice to see someone include a gay couple without the fact that they're gay being the essential theme. It's actually almost as if the gay guys are the ones discriminating a bit because they expect to be discriminated against ... something that definitely does occur today.

Anyway, entertaining. But I may have missed the point or the subtexts of this film or whatnot.... Not sure. But keep the films coming M. Night! It's always fun to see what you come up with next and I think it's amazing you have the power to "play" and tell original stories - the way true filmmaking is supposed to be :)

Freddy vs. Jason (2003)

Hate to Love

[3/10 · 18 May 2023]

This is one of those rare films that's so incredibly bad and yet very entertaining.

I don't know if it's just for the fans or not, could be the case. I was never a big fan of Friday the 13th but I was always a big Freddy fan.

This movie literally ruins both franchises, has the worst characters in any movie I've seen and to top it off these horrible characters make the most idiotic decisions ever seen on film - and yet STILL it entertains me.

It's worse acting than a porn, the script HAS to be written by a blind 12 year-old and STILL entertains me.

The film has some of the worst lines in history and STILL it entertains me.

It's beyond fascinating how I can find it entertaining, when I can literally find not one positive thing to say about it. I think it all just comes down to (for me) spending a few more minutes in the company of Freddy. Because I cannot for the love of me figure out how else I can be entertained by the utter piece of garbage..... But I am! AAAARGH! That's all I can say!

The Mother (2023)

Missed the Train, Jen!

[2/10 · 15 May 2023]

I'm all over the place with this film.

Firstly, it seems like yet another "the guys did it, so now let's do it with a female" kinda ripoff. Does it want to be John Wick a little, maybe?

Secondly, the script is pretty terrible. It's another one that goes for the result without the work. It's trying to create all these emotional, big moments. But it fails because it doesn't establish any care for the characters, the story or what's going on. To be honest, you also don't really know what's going on throughout the film. And after a while you stop caring.

Jennifer Lopez does a good job with what she has to work with but it's not much.

It could probably have been good with a better script. And I would like to see some more female driven stories that aren't just made because the guys did it first. Do something new, unique and special instead of trying to grab what you've decided is the "men's territory" or whatever.

Absurd Planet (2020)

Incredibly Stupid!

[1/10 · 5 February 2023]

What might have been a decent nature show is completely ruined by the most idiotic voice overs I have ever experienced. Not only are the people doing these voices terrible, but whoever thought that was a good idea to begin with, needs to get their marbles checked. Terrible terrible. And how DARE you mock the legend that is David Attenborough?! Shame on you for that.

Childish, stupid, unintelligent and just plain dumb. There's not much to say about this except WATCH SOMETHING ELSE.

There's no shortage of bad voiceovers out there, for shows like this but I would say this one takes the cake - BIG TIME! Avoid avoid avoid!

She Will (2021)

ATMOSPHERE!!!

[9/10 · 6 January 2023]

I have to be honest, I love Alice Krige, and will watch everything she's in just because she's in it.

Having said that, this is a beautiful "horror" film. Is it borderline more art than story! Yes, but it's still a refreshing in-between movie, these days where films either explain way too much or absolutely nothing.

I guess you could say to take the movie for "what it is" but I'm not sure what it is to be exact. It's mood, it's atmosphere, it's feeling and sensations and beauty and beast mixed together. I think it does an excellent job of telling a story that can probably be interpreted in a few ways, but that's what a film should be about in my opinion.

Everyone does a great job, although certain characters did make me wonder, what they were even there to do.... But I'm not above missing some of the points I'm sure.

Great score, cinematography and colors as well, and though this isn't a film for big fans of Marvel movies, this is definitely a little artistic gem, not unlike the version of "Gretel and Hansel", Krige also starred in a few years ago.

Bullet Train (2022)

Painfully Unfunny.

[2/10 · 10 December 2022]

Not entirely sure if I missed the bullet train - since everyone else seem to have had "so much fun watching this movie" in the reviews here.

This movie wants to be a Tarantino film - and it's not. It's not even close to being one. The dialogue is corny and very unfunny and none of the characters are interesting or well played. To top all that of, it's unbelievable unrealistic, which you can sometimes abstract from, if it suits the themes and story - but here it doesn't.

Either there's something wrong with me, for being one of the few that things this was a bit of a missed opportunity, or maybe my taste is just different. But I didn't find any of the characters believable or funny - and enough with the endless kid's TV show references and the random one liners in between the fights. It really gets old very fast, especially when everything else is so trivial, one dimensional and boring.

Game of Thrones (2011–2019)

Epic and amazing!

[10/10 · 5 December 2022]

That's really all there is to say: Epic and amazing! Touches on all the right elements and does it with perfect execution. Stellar cast that seems born to play those roles.

Also, not sure why season 7 and especially 8 gets so much hate on here. I suspect there'll always be people upset about "the way things ended", but it think all seasons are equally amazing, so don't let the harsh words people have, discourage you from watching. Truly a great show that I can watch again anytime.

It also, somehow manages to be diverse and inclusive, the way tv shows and movies struggle to do the same today - and without being a lecture or shoving things and themes in "just because". It actually gets that right too - and whatever lessons the show may have, they're tastefully done and without patronizing the viewers. So one of the last shows I've seen that respects its audience and doesn't force narratives but rather let's them take on a life of their own.

Moonfall (2022)

Easily the most stupid film I have ever seen.

[1/10 · 18 July 2022]

These films make me angry. There are so many good (and a million times cheaper) scripts out there. And then something like this is made, that could have paid for 500 of those.

The good thing about this film: the effects! They're well done. But this film is so bad in every level that you don't even care about that.

It follows more or less the exact template of "day after tomorrow", same supposedly comic relief characters, same ridiculous speeches at all the wrong times, from characters you couldn't care less about, and it has a plot that is not just laughable but SO unrealistic that a 3-year old would point out most of them.

And Tre cast? What the hell happened ? Halle Berry is a pretty decent actor, as is Patrick Wilson. And then there's Donald Sutherland, an absolute legend. All 3 are wasted completely on all levels. At times you can almost see Halle thinking "what the hell am I doing". How they managed to get these people signed on, I will never understand.

Rest of the cast are the usual Emmerich 1-dimensional characters that have as bad lines as they have performances, bogus scientists and that one guy who figured it all out but also has a personal struggle that's so cliché it makes me want to punch the tv.

Stay clear of this mess at all costs. I can't imagine it will make you anything but upset on either one, a few or multiple levels. Watch a good film you have already watched instead!

Schitt's Creek (2015–2020)

Catherine O'Hara!

[8/10 · 26 January 2022]

If you're a fan of Christopher Guest's films, also often with O'Hara and Levy (as I am), you'll love this.

Alexis and several other characters grow on you as the seasons go by.

It's definitely camp and dramatic but the dark humor really appealed to me the most. There's a lot of great moments - and also heart and warmth at times.

I did find David to be progressively more annoying with every episode, and the last season, centering way too much around him and Patrick, almost lost me. It's just not that interesting a relationship, and really also not a very realistic one.

The Tomorrow War (2021)

Absolutely Pointless

[2/10 · 21 September 2021]

From beginning to end, this is a train wreck in every way! Writing is beyond dreadful - characters are extremely under-developed which leads us to not giving a crap about them - and the science and explanations of everything going on are laughable to say the least.

I am almost borderline angry that this managed to get a fairly decent average on here. This movie is everything that's wrong with movies today. A picture perfect example.

And don't hit me with any "take it for what it is" crap! Because this movie tries to be a lot and it fails at every single try. It is trying to be a lot and it can't even deliver on being a decent sci-fi or monster film.

I don't even know if it "could have been better" - maybe.... If it was a different film. There's just really so much bad to say about it. Even the actors seem like they don't really understand what the hell the plot and point is....

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021)

Don't believe the negative reviews!

[8/10 · 18 June 2021]

This is by far the most realistic of the Conjuring movies. It takes more of a "detective" route than the others and I think it suits it.

The script is better and more convincing, the characters are more fleshed out and it also builds nicely on the relationship between Ed and Lorraine.

Does it lack the jump scares of the previous films? Perhaps. But I think it makes up for it in substance, content and realism. This film is definitely worth it!

The Lion King (2019)

Looks great, and that's where it ends...

[3/10 · 18 June 2020]

A) A long list of "what can we do without offending anyone" was most likely made by Disney and carefully followed. B) Why is everything slowed down? Are they afraid we don't get the unfunny remarks? C) Why is Beyoncé still cast in things? How many times does she have to prove that she's a terrible actor - even when she isn't actually seen. D) Most of the soul of the original is gone. I'm not exactly sure how it happened but probably a combination of all of the above and the fact that almost everyone sounds like they're reading something they don't quite understand. E) Young Simba is annoying from the very first second he speaks - and it doesn't get any better!

Fantasy Island (2020)

How Can Anyone Even Pretend To Like This??

[3/10 · 5 June 2020]

Piss-poor writing, cliché after cliché - all wrapped up in politically correct "moments" and bro stuff. Clearly a movie for the same people who watch reality TV. Characters are beyond thin and the film can't seem to decide if it wants to be funny or scary - even attempts to be heartfelt at times (and fails miserably every time). The always wonderful Maggie Q is wasted in this film as are a few other decent actors. Guess this was all made as an excuse to have this cast spend some time in Fiji and create something that will make us just a little dumber for watching it.

Gretel & Hansel (2020)

What should a real film be?

[9/10 · 8 April 2020]

Ever since I became aware of this film I was excited to see it. It looked beautifully shot and had Alice Krige - one of my very favorite actors - in a spooky role. Interestingly enough I looked up all the - mostly VERY negative - reviews of this film and it raised many questions with me. A lot of complains about the "missing plot" and about how it was more artsy than a "real" film. What makes a film real? What SHOULD the ingredients be in order for it to be acceptable? Mainstream maybe? ... Isn't that what so many of us also complain about? This film was indeed beautifully shot and had a great performance by Alice Krige - it also had a killer soundscape and sound design in general and every shot was a piece of art in itself. So yes I enjoyed it very much. And either my definition or my acceptance of what a film is is a lot broader than others' or I am just satisfied with visuals and sounds being the thing that carries a film. Either way, is that wrong? Hollywood throws up 20 films every month where the SFX are the "star" and we seem to be just fine with that. So maybe there wasn't an elaborate, complicated story with twists and turns. Maybe that wasn't the point! I am somewhat saddened that so many people - in my opinion - missed what this movie could do, and did do to/for me and I am sure for others. Much like when we as people seem to have a long list about how certain other people "should" be, we also seem to be very sure of what a film "should be" and seem to not accept whatever lies outside of that box. I think it is a pity and I encourage anyone who likes art, colors, music and sound to watch this film (in a dark room with the sound way up).

Us (II) (2019)

Pretty awful!

[2/10 · 22 August 2019]

The fact that this film has gotten an average of 7 here can only be because people are afraid to seem dumb because they don't "get" this film! Don't worry - there's nothing to get. It's an absolutely absurd and idiotic plot that is so far out it isn't even remotely believable. This is one of several horror films in recent years that is - probably on purpose - so far out there that people feel like they have to like it because it's so deep or new or interesting or whatnot. This is neither. The film wants to be a lot and isn't anything. I don't want to spend a lot of time trashing it further. It was terrible, I'll leave it at that. There's nothing to "get" except "..the hell away from watching this".

The Nun (2018)

The None

[2/10 · 14 September 2018]

The nun unfortunately - to me - represents just about everything that's wrong with some horror films, and alas; where a franchise always ends sooner or later; to a place where it's all Just about making money off something that started as a success. Nothing but jump-scares, a really messy story and cliches-a-plenty, this film really could have been great but isn't. Even the few "cool" moments seem out of place and scares and suspense is all over the place. How many times do we need to see the scary shadow of a nun walk somewhere and disappear? A couple of scenes even seem to be stolen straight out of a Sam Raimi horror film and Silent Hill. Not much original material here, just a rushed attempt at making more money off a franchise that has deteriorated more and more.

Temple (2017)

Pointless!

[1/10 · 1 September 2018]

Who funds this crap? The main issue with this film is that you WANT the cast to die! Yes, they're THAT stupid! Secondly, the plot is so thin that it haunts you more than any of the scares. After countless warnings, hey let's go see this temple that we haven't established any reason to go see - but just because a girl likes to explore temples. We could go somewhere else, but no - let's do this one, despite the warnings - and let's go through a lot of trouble getting the book that has drawings of it too. And then when we get there, let's talk about how it was a bad idea, like we had no clue about that! Third - the "reveal" at the end! Like we didn't already know about the boy! And this attempt at some psychological twist also fails miserably! This isn't even an "it could have been good" scenario. It's just plain bad! Only positive thing I can say is that the cinematography in the first half of the film is pretty nice! But that's hardly an incentive to sit through this crap!