BLAlley Reviews

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (2024)

Visual Noise and Useless Characters

[5/10 · 20 May 2024]

The 2014 Godzilla was enjoyable but not great. The most common criticism was the habit of cutting away from the monster action as soon as it became interesting, but that wasn't the issue. The real issue, which has been expanded on with every theatrical follow-up film, is the fact when they cut away it's to underdeveloped characters that either have no personality or an exaggerated, trope-filled personality, aka "Look at me! I'm an interesting character because I'm flamboyant and loud and kooky!".

Godzilla x King: The Stupidest Title Yet takes that to a new level. The human characters are cartoons with no resemblance to real people that I might care about. Unfortunately I also don't believe any of the monsters are real because the CG and animation are also cartoonish and therefore not good enough to sell the suspension, unlike the 1/10th budget Godzilla Minus One and unique Shin Godzilla. Those films also illustrate another problem with the Hollywood versions: the monsters are way too big. They clearly subscribed to the "Bigger is better" mindset, but it makes them even more difficult to take seriously as living organisms since our brains default to basic grade school science that tells us such things couldn't exist due to their own mass. The monsters in the others are already on the cusp of that suspension, so going bigger is definitely not better.

The only interesting and engaging characters in the Legendary Monsterverse are in Monarch: Legacy of Monsters.

Madame Web (2024)

Rushed and some poor editing, but enjoyable

[6/10 · 18 May 2024]

I honestly don't understand the binary nature of modern audiences. If something isn't the greatest thing ever then it's deemed complete garbage. That's a terrible way to approach anything let alone something as trivial as entertainment. All such people do is deny themselves a respite from the true woes we all face.

Some of the animation was off, but so what? Some of the best movies ever made have scenes of people in cars that are obviously in front of a projection screen, but we don't fault that because it's not the point. The point of any effect, special or visual, is to tell us what is happening in the story.

Some of the editing in the "time" scenes could have used more care, but even then the point came across.

Perhaps the biggest flaw is trying to tell too much story in a two hour movie. I think it could have benefited from focusing on Ezekiel discovering Cassandra and seeing her as a threat. Then you introduce the girls in the second movie, or do something entirely different.

Even so, it was enjoyable enough and doesn't deserve the hate it's receiving. It's a movie, not a cancer diagnosis. Lighten up, Francis.

Ripley (2024)

Stunning, intriguing, delightful, and unsettling.

[9/10 · 10 April 2024]

The series is visually stunning. The choice to shoot monochromatic in no way detracts from the location as some have stated, but instead greatly enhances and celebrates the landscapes and architecture of Italy. "Black and White" focuses on the detail rather than the color, highlighting every crease, corner, crack, and crevice like color photography never can. An equally important benefit is the fact the stream isn't burdened with chrominance, only luminance, and the reduced need for compression is on full display. I've never seen another streaming presentation that looks like Ripley.

The writing is also exceptional, weaving an intricate yet comfortably engaging path for Ripley and those with whom he interacts. He's good yet flawed, evading detection as much via happenstance as skill. Even mundane details are well considered and presented, adding a level of verisimilitude rarely seen in modern storytelling.

The entire cast is on point, with Andrew Scott's layered portrayal of Ripley's sociopathic neurosis leading the charge. The effortless manner in which he transitions between charming and disturbing is delightfully unsettling, yet the writing and direction are so skilled we find ourselves rooting for Ripley to succeed. In that sense it's an eight episode homage to the tension Hitchcock masterfully crafted in the scene in Psycho in which Norman awkwardly disposes of Marion Crane's car.

The Wages of Fear (2024)

Another lazy remake that misses the point

[3/10 · 30 March 2024]

This is another example of a minimum-effort remake by people who think they are being creative by changing elements from the source material so they can pat themselves on the back for their "creativity" rather than to better fit a carefully crafted retelling.

The original by Clouzot and remake by Friedkin are brilliant and should have been enough to inform the makers of this train wreck that they were out of their depth. Instead they forged ahead and proved they don't understand the story and characters or why the setting was just as important.

Instead of the Colombian jungle with dangers around every corner including cliff-side roads, fallen trees, rivers with sketchy bridges, wildlife, etc, they chose to set this in the middle of the boring desert with long stretches of flat, easily-traversed roads and nothing of interest to even look at.

The original opens with a hyper-patient study of the characters who will eventually take up the challenge, while Sorceror uses pre-Colombia vignettes to introduce the characters and their reasons for ending up together.

This one opens with a pounding score that can't save one of the most boring "action" sequences I've ever seen. It's shot like a Honda Civic commercial, but then becomes more laughable when one of the vehicles gets stuck on a small hump because the driver (and director) apparently don't realize they are in a 4WD truck (or understand how motor vehicles in general work). The other vehicle pulls up and they chat about needing to go, but driver 1 is adamant about not leaving behind the (pointless MacGuffin). The other driver takes off, but SURPRISE(?), circles around to push the other truck over the speed bump. So exciting...Not. Meanwhile, somehow the vehicle that was in hot pursuit is conveniently much farther back than was previously shown.

We get a boring shootout that is somehow resolved and then a sex scene that provides no character development and further demonstrates a complete unawareness by the writer and director of the setting in which they placed their "remake"

Obliterated (2023)

The title refers to the quality of the script.

[2/10 · 3 December 2023]

When did they start letting 12-year-old boys with no parental supervision write scripts?

I think this is supposed to be a comedy, but it fails at that as much as it fails at being a good actioner. Comedies are supposed to be funny, and good comedies aren't dumbed down. Action heroes are competent, even when they are in over their heads and cracking puns.

The "team" is supposed to be the best of the best of their respective military branches, yet they fall apart at every turn because the members are all selfish, incompetent drug addicts and alcoholics. The only times they show any ability are a few random moments when the writers couldn't figure out how their moronic characters can possibly get out of the mess they created.

Of course there is the usual slew of inaccuracies due to lazy writing, and it's twice as many episodes than would have been needed for a coherent story.

It's also hard to believe even C. Thomas Howell would embarrass himself like this.

The Killer (2023)

Disappointing monotony with yet another dumb "expert"

[2/10 · 19 November 2023]

Even before the brain-dead catalyst finally happens I was ready to turn off the movie after the seemingly endless voice-over by the main character.

Sadly I stuck with it just long enough to realize this is yet another film that hopes the audience is too stupid to notice they didn't put any real thought into it.

We are tricked into believing the contract killer is a cold, impersonal professional who knows how to hide and blend into his surroundings, yet he occupies his hide for days while leaving no doubt of his presence due to the large uncovered windows and twin-head work light illuminating him for all to see. The space is also presented as abandoned yet inexplicably receives a pile of mail for no other purpose than to force a "tense" moment that is anything but.

When his inner monologue mercifully ends he is finally able to take his shot, even though he had far better opportunities much sooner. He reassembles his weapon yet again, because why would you keep it ready when the opportunity could come at any time? He gets set up, then begins tracking everyone in the room. Uh, no. You track your target and fire the moment the shot is available.

He finally takes the shot even though the target's evening entertainment is gyrating in front of him and she of course steps into the path of the bullet as the trigger is pulled. Instead of remaining focused and squeezing off another round from the fully loaded magazine, the killer panics and flees in the most clumsy and obvious way possible.

Not much of a professional. More like a rank amateur. That was all I could take and watched Moon Zero Two from 1969 instead.

Beacon 23 (2023– )

Monumentally dumb

[3/10 · 17 November 2023]

Beacon 23 is yet another science fiction show that thinks adding holographic displays and control interfaces serve as an adequate substitute for the "science" part of the genre's name.

A beacon in space serving as the eventual evolution of present-day lighthouses to aid space travel is an interesting idea, until it becomes obvious that is as far as the idea was developed before this train wreck was greenlit and put into production.

I seriously doubt the book it's supposedly based on is this bad. Five minutes in and I had to turn off this minimum-effort train wreck.

First we start with a flash forward where three characters stand and watch something bad (?) happen without taking any action, then we jump to "earlier" because the writers apparently never bothered to plan out their timeline, or learn how to establish their setting.

Next we see a ship that seems to be engaged in some form of FTL travel, yet it approaches the beacon at a normal rate that allows them to use radio communication and visually see the beacon.

That's because the titular beacon turns out to be a literal beacon of light (LOL). Good luck picking that out of the vast blackness of space, especially as slow as it's rotating (when the effects team remembered to make it rotate). It's also rotating on a two-dimensional plane. A two-dimensional plane. In space.

Even worse, the beacon is supposedly warning that there is "too much dark matter" in the area. Did someone dump the dark matter before jumping into hyperspace, or was the dark matter always there and the reason for the beacon? Funny how they can detect the dark matter and even display it as random blobs around the sector (on the aforementioned holographic display), even though there doesn't appear to be anything nearby with which it can interact in order to be detected.

Of course the computer suddenly malfunctions for no reason, projecting the "safe" white light instead of the red "danger" light that would be even more difficult to see in space. The communications are also magically malfunctioning so the caretaker can't warn the ship as it slowly approaches at light speed (?). In response, we get a scene involving gravity that defies physics. Forget science and logic as long as it looks cool, right?

The hilariously bad choices continue when the caretaker reaches the actual light, which is alternately rotating and stationary depending on the shot. His solution is to take a space prybar and wedge it between two big gears which presumably are part of the mechanism rotating the light, yet his actions instead cause the light to flicker between white and red. Seriously? They wrote this on a machine that has access to the world's knowledge yet couldn't be bothered to look up a single detail

The entire idea is moot, of course, since ships would navigate via mathematics and computer tracking of the stars. If you needed a beacon to warn of threats it would would emit a constant radio signal at a standard power level that would be picked up and processed automatically by every passing ship, and there would be multiple redundant systems to ensure reliability. More likely there would be multiple beacons surrounding the entire sector at a safe distance to warn ships away, not wait until they are close enough to see a light, which would place them inside the sector or even past it.

Storytelling and science fiction in particular have gotten so brain dead to be unwatchable save for the very rare exception, and Beacon 23 is definitely not an exception.

Heart of Stone (I) (2023)

More dumbed-down dreck for the brainded masses

[3/10 · 11 August 2023]

Less then three minutes in and it's already painfully obvious this is yet another entry in the minimum-effort, disposable TV show category.

We start with some breathtaking scenery flying over the Schnals Glacier toward the Alpin Arena Schnals Senalesatop ski resort, at least until they decided to point the camera into the sun once we switch to the party. There we learn some agents are conducting an op, but just like recent DOA shows like Citadel and Fubar, trained agents are speaking on their "secret" coms openly among crowds of people. Worse, they are further risking exposure by extending those exchanges into casual conversations about (insert unimportant topic).

Then something goes wrong with their remote computer access (which also never makes sense), yet no one on the team seems alarmed that they might have been discovered and cut off. Instead they casually seek another way to access the network.

Besides the fact secure networks don't broadcast a signal through which they can be hacked, even if that was a thing the team would have already had an alternate plan in place.

Adding to the dumbness, the "hacker" needs to be within ten feet of the head security guy for... reasons, but the rest of the team opposes the plan because she's "not a field agent". Uh, they are all in a foreign country operating from a van parked outside the resort. That's the field. If she was merely a computer tech she'd be at their headquarters since their concern seems to be her lack of field training, even though she's in the field.

It's a shame moronic garbage has become the norm.

Fast X (2023)

Should have stopped after 7

[2/10 · 12 June 2023]

The Fast & Furious franchise became progressively more over the top, transforming street-racing thieves into indestructible, superhuman, globe-trotting super spies. Even so, they remained fun and still retained genuine heart.

Fast & Furious 7 was the culmination of that while giving us an incredibly heartfelt goodbye to Paul Walker that should have been the end of the franchise, where all involved could hold their heads high and be proud to have entertained audiences around the world.

Nope. They had to keep making movies, except with none of the effort and heart of the first seven. The stories are so dumb and convoluted that boxes of rocks, bags of hammers, and assorted wooden posts all shake their collective heads in dismay.

Repeating the word "family" and having yet another "family" barbecue with "family" doesn't imbue a movie with heart no matter how many times you say the word "family". If that were true every word of this review would be "money".

The stunts are even more absurd and poorly rendered, which is made even more obvious by the Mission: Impossible franchise which continues to improve both narratively and with its incredible yet authentic stunt work.

To the makers of these movies, please stop.

FUBAR (2023– )

Monumentally dumb due to modern lazy writing.

[4/10 · 7 June 2023]

Back in the day, even the cheesiest actioners didn't treat the audience like we're stupid. Instead they had a sense of whimsy and fun and we were in on the joke, but at the same time they mostly avoided the groan-inducing lapses in logic, continuity, and general verisimilitude. They were over the top, but people still behaved like real people within that world.

Here, as with so many recent entries, none of that applies. The writers don't bother getting even the simplest details right to balance the nonsense.

None of the "CIA" handlers act professional in any way nor do they exude even a shred of competence. They all behave like children, and the "side operation" is a truly terrible rip-off of True Lies, without any of the aforementioned whimsy.

The field operatives do everything to get discovered and caught, and only survive because the handlers all show up by magic and open fire on the entire group in the most ridiculous manner, yet somehow don't hit any of the key actors.

The field ops also talk on their "secret" coms openly in front of dozens of people, yet no one around them bats and eyelash.

Then we see nuclear waste being pumped into a mag-lav train like Cousin Eddie emptying his RV toilet. As if that isn't mind-numbing enough, the sleek, ultra modern train just happens to have a single threaded hose connection slapped onto the roof, not even under a flush door for aerodynamics, and it feeds into a giant tank occupying most of the front "engine".

Of course we're once again assumed to be stupid when the bad guys swoop in with a helicopter to steal the nuclear waste. First, the engine with the storage tank at the front of the train magically becomes a passenger car in the middle of the train, and the bad guys are able to suck the waste out by simply attaching a hose. All while the train is supposed to be moving at 150 miles per hour.

Of course we also get horrible dialog like "I knew we were right". What? Did a third grader write this show? Sorry, that's insulting to third graders.

They also got all of the science and physics of mag-lev trains and tanks and pumps wrong, including the laughable "valves" to control cryogenic fluid made out of basic plumbing parts the set builder bought at Home Depot.

Consistent with everything else, somehow it's a lot easier to steal nuclear waste from a high speed train than to simply hijack the truck that delivered the waste.

Of course we're also supposed to believe a CIA operative who has to constantly lie to her fiance is mad at her dad for being a CIA operative who had to lie to his family. She's also automatically the best at everything because modern writers think "representation" and "strong female" character means being perfect to the point of being almost superhuman at every skill, yet they turn around and make these women emotional dumpster fires. Being emotionally available doesn't mean falling apart at every tiny trigger, it means having feelings yet also being able to function in spite of or even because of those feelings. Can we please go back to intelligently written female characters like Ellen Ripley and Sarah Connor and Holly McClane?

At that point of Episode 2 I had to turn it off before my brain cells started rotting from the stupidity.

Citadel: Tell Her Everything (2023) Season 1, Episode 4

Now it's just dumb

[4/10 · 12 May 2023]

Five minutes into episode 4 and I had to turn it off. Mason not being good at close-quarter combat can be excused since he's unable to regain his memories (an already dumb idea), but Nadia has been restored and still has no idea how to handle a weapon of take out opponents by hand.

Again, these were supposed to be elite agent, yet Nadia fires a few shots and then inexplicably starts fighting with her weapon still in hand, even using it as a blunt instrument which puts her at risk of losing it or having it taken away. No one would stop shooting to start beating an enemy instead of using a single head shot to take them out. Worse, it keeps happening. They also seem to have only brought one magazine of ammo (perhaps a lazy excuse for the clunky hand-to-hand?).

Citadel is supposed to be an elite covert agency yet everyone we've seen is incompetent, whether allowing enemy agents to walk away or getting themselves captured over and over.

This show looks more like the dumbed-down trash put out by network television than a streaming show with no creative constraints. I guess you can;t constrain what isn't there.

Citadel: Infinite Shadows (2023) Season 1, Episode 3

Hopes for improvement dashed.

[5/10 · 5 May 2023]

There is a lot to like about the show, but they are completely undermined by the bad writing and moronic tech.

Filmmakers, please stop with the monitors that are clear (and holographic displays). No one would use them because you wouldn't be able to see the images and data. Dumb.

Even more idiotic is tech that appears out of thin air. It was stupid when the Batmobile shields came from nowhere in 89, and just as stupid now when the Avengers' suits magically expand from nowhere.

Oh, and what kind of dark operative sloppily interrogates an agent in their own home including noisy torture?

The creators are too busy with "cool" but dumb scenes to come up with anything intelligent and interesting to engage us.

Citadel (2023– )

Better than Gray Man, but not by much.

[5/10 · 29 April 2023]

Citadel is another barely coherent CG actioner that relies on an audience with truncated intellects to pass of significant lapses in reality and logic.

1. Undercover agents would never touch their ear when communicating, nor would they speak aloud in response. Even after Casino Royale sharply mocked that trope a lot of lazy filmmakers still do it.

2. Agents aren't going to crash an op and begin flirting with the agent assigned to the target, calling attention to that agent while distracting them from their assignment.

3. Even local police officers are trained to restrain and subdue suspects and perpetrators quickly and efficiently. They don't break out into fist fights. That is infinitely more true for highly trained agents.

4. Agents don't carry their actual ID or have identifying marks like tattoos, let alone proprietary implants that would immediately give them away as agents. If you wiped their memory and left them to start a new life, that implant is going to be discovered the first time they have a scan to determine the cause of their amnesia.

5. Defeating a formidable enemy agent but then leaving them alive to come after you again is monumentally stupid. As soon as they had the upper hand they would have killed him without hesitation, not let him report who they are and what they are up to.

6. "I need to tell you something incredibly important that could solve the crisis and/or save your life but I'm going to suddenly hesitate and choose not to" is also ridiculous. Stop it.

7. Bad guys, especially those working for well organized crime syndicates or spy networks are never going to open fire on law enforcement in public, especially with automatic weapons. Like the agents, they are going to take out their targets quietly and in private to avoid multiple investigations by local and Federal authorities.

8. I am not a fan of making up nonsense tech based on nothing real. There is no excuse for that, especially now when so much of it actually exists or can be easily extrapolated from real tech. Regarding the memory issue, it would have been far more believable (and interesting) if the Citadel had the ability to wipe the memories of the agents to prevent revealing secrets, leaving them to relearn their past while retaining a lot of their training via muscle memory and instinct. You also have the eraser chip breach itself when it discharges and dissolve to avoid detection. Of course, in reality it'd be a small charge that kills them.

Fans complain that Marvel/Disney meddles too much with their creators, but since leaving Marvel the Russo Brothers haven't produced anything intelligent and truly worth watching. I can't help thinking they are far better as directors with thoughtful guidance from above than they are as the producers.

65 (2023)

A cool idea never fleshed out.

[5/10 · 9 April 2023]

65 came close to being a creative and engaging story, but there is literally no point in setting it on Earth 65 million years ago since they are using that as an empty hook with no payoff. They didn't even attempt to explore any ideas, such as the humans from Somaris being our ancestors in some way, or having them be responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs. Nothing. Zip. They didn't even need to set it so long ago. It could have happened yesterday and we'd be blissfully ignorant of alien humans and their activities.

In spite of a very dramatic title reveal 17 minutes into the film, Earth is presented as a random, uncharted planet with monsters. They didn't even bother depicting real dinosaurs and other life of the time, so again why bother?

That issue aside, there is no payoff at all. They crash, fight monsters to survive, and manage to take off for home. No payoff to the location, and no emotional payoff for the two people who survive other than some mild bonding near the end. Did she fill the void left by his daughter, did he fill the void left by her parents, or did they go their separate ways when they got home? Did they even make it home since they were in an escape pod many light years away?

What was the point?

The Mandalorian: Chapter 22: Guns for Hire (2023) Season 3, Episode 6

Fun Episode with significant events going forward.

[8/10 · 9 April 2023]

What has happened to fandom? If they aren't bombarded with quick-cut mindless action and dumbed-down fan service they freak out and label everything "filler". Worse, they resort to lying about viewer numbers and studio turmoil to try and justify their hate, which is driven by selfish entitlement. If you decide ahead of time how a story should be told, you are guaranteed to be disappointed.

Apparently fans have still learned nothing, especially with The Mandalorian. They whined about The Gunslinger episode being "filler", yet it introduced Fennec Shand who not only came back in Season 2 and Book of Boba Fett, but showed up multiple times in The Bad Batch. Of course that episiode also signaled the return of Boba Fett, and we even saw the same events from his perspective. Even so, the worst of fandom continue to label anything that doesn't immediately and directly contribute to the season story arc as "Filler", no matter how important it might be later. Sad.

They also complain any time we return to Tatooine for some reason. Why? Tatooine is a significant location in the Star Wars mythology. It's the very first thing we saw after the crawl back in 1977, and it is where both Anakin and Luke Skywalker were raised. What makes the complaints really odd is the fact those same fans complain any time we go somewhere new, like Plazir.

It's also not the fault of the show or its creators that fans are so intellectually stunted that they can only see actors rather than the characters they play. Why is the presences of Jack Black and Christopher Lloyd so off-putting? They are actors who were cast in roles that suited them. Even Lizzo had more to do and fit the role she played. It's just another lazy excuse to trash the show for not pandering to the lowest common denominator.

Star Wars has always been swashbuckling fun as well as a commentary on discrimination and the pursuit of wealth and power. When done well as with The Mandalorian it is still that.

The Night Agent (2023– )

Potential, and an engaging plot, but off.

[6/10 · 25 March 2023]

There is an interesting premise here reminiscent of Jack Ryan type spycraft and conspiracy thrillers, but the characters do not act like the people they are supposed to be.

FBI agents apparently have no training in firearms, hand to hand combat, or evasive driving techniques. They also have no protocols for any scenarios, and their safe house procedures are a joke . They talk to one another like a pack of school bullies.

Worse, the witness seems to have a better idea how to protect herself and investigate who is behind the conspiracy than the people charged with protecting her.

I think the writers performed their research by watching bad network cop and FBI shows. Regardless, common sense should have kicked in to give some semblance of proper procedure.

There are also odd subplots that don't add anything to the primary plot but keep appearing to slow down the progression. In particular the assassin's who prove to be complete sociopaths yet the show keeps trying to force us to relate to and feel sorry for them. Weird.

Even so there's enough to here to watch, even if the end wraps up in familiar fashion.

Star Wars: The Bad Batch: Pabu (2023) Season 2, Episode 13

Another Fantastic Character Building Episode

[8/10 · 18 March 2023]

Not pandering to the short-attention-span crowd who need "pew-pew" every five seconds doesn't make a show "filler".

Filler describes a chapter, scene, or TV episode that has no character or story development. That isn't remotely true of this nor any other episode of The Bad Batch. All have revealed new insights into the characters, introduced new allies or threats, or put the Batch on a new path.

Here we not only find a potential new home for the Batch but learn something significant regarding their relationship with Cid. We're also given a new perspective toward one of the characters introduced this season, and how they relate to certain members of the Batch.

Poker Face: The Hook (2023) Season 1, Episode 10

Aptly titled, unfortunately

[5/10 · 10 March 2023]

This was by far the best episode of the season, mostly because it didn't rely on Charlie's magic gift. It also, mercifully, resolved the barely present pursuit by Sterling. To its credit the show takes a left turn and shows Sterling to be far more aware and reasonable, with a very different plan up his sleeve for Charlie.

What I found so disappointing is the lack of interesting follow-up to that shift and instead setting up season 2 by falling back on the exact same plot that kicked off season 1.

Would it kill Rian Johnson to put a little effort into his work? Even when he has a good idea he follows the path of least resistance and settles for hyper-mediocrity.

Poker Face: The Orpheus Syndrome (2023) Season 1, Episode 8

Clever, then monumentally stupid.

[5/10 · 24 February 2023]

The show's premise is already indicative of incredibly lazy writing by giving Charlie a magic superpower instead of intelligence and problem solving skills. Sadly, this episode can't even rely on that corked bat without serving up a perfect underhand lob right over the plate.

Instead of having doubts about the victim's demize raized through subtle clues, the murderer's entire personality suddenly shifts from cold, self-preserving sociopath to paranoid schizophrenic who blurts out statements out of nowhere that, given the premise of the show, equate to a confession. They then proceed to hallucinate, but even that was handled poorly.

There are two possible ways that could have been combined to elicit a confession that we're both set up, and yet neither was utilized. Had we already known about the planned event, they could have had the second victim intending to use his filmmaking skills to create a short film to be presented at the event. When he discovers the truth he uses horror imagery related to the inciting incident from their past to accuse the murderer publicly, causing the murderer to unravel. The murderer happens to have a perfect bust of the first victim, which played a critical and clever role earlier, but for some reason Ms Lyonne never thought to have it come to life (using the old trick of the actor embedded in the base). Instead the shot simply cuts to the actor standing there representing the murderer's hallucination of the character and they freak out and end it in another strange shift in character instead of confessing.

Lazy.

Poker Face (2023– )

Entertaining but Lazy

[5/10 · 16 February 2023]

Poker Face is mostly a fun homage to old detective and mystery shows, with Columbo being the primary inspiration even though the premise is more akin to Murder She Wrote.

Unfortunately it also suffers the same issue as the latter, which is a fundamental flaw with both. In the real world the main character would be investigated as a serial killer, since everywhere they go someone they have contact with ends up murdered. Worse, they often point to a string of clues and evidence that conveniently implicate someone else. Of course one of the ways the writers of both avoid this problem is by having many of the perpetrators confess either directly or indirectly.

It is this greater resemblance to the self-appointed investigator trope that I find baffling since the show is clearly emulating Columbo, but that character is a homicide detective, not some random person who is good at solving mysteries (or in this case magic). As such it makes sense for a detective to regularly investigate such crimes far more than some random person.

The most egregious issue is the lazy writing by Rian Johnson. Other than The Last Jedi, most fans praise Johnson for his other films even though they all demonstrate a lack of polish to ensure each detail makes logical and technical sense, and instead rely too much on plot crutches and fan service. The only reason TLJ does not enjoy the same praise as his other films (and show) is because he applied his lazy writing to a beloved franchise.

Poker Face suffers from the same issue as Knives Out, in that Johnson isn't nearly as clever as he believes and as a result must employ a monumentally stupid and unrealistic gimmick in order for his "detectives" to function. Columbo, Jessica Fletcher, Poirot, Holmes, nor any well written character require a magic ability to solve crimes or other mysteries. They do so by being intelligent, educated, experienced, and observant, taking the available clues and assembling them into a picture of the event while also obtaining any possible physical evidence to reinforce their conclusions.

Poker Face remains mostly fun to watch, carried by Natasha Lyonne's quirky Charlie and her interactions with guest characters, but her far more interesting personal arc has mostly been abandoned in favor of the murder mystery trope. For me it would have been infinitely more engaging had she used real street smarts, deductive reasoning, and problem solving skills to stay one step ahead of her pursuer rather than inexplicably being involved in one murder after another which she solves without effort.

Plane (2023)

Familiar But A Pleasant Surprise

[8/10 · 5 February 2023]

What makes Plane work is the setup, taking its time to firmly plant the audience in the real world before things go wrong. It also gets points for not taking the cliche path of bad decisions leading to catastrophe. Instead it's played straight and feels more akin to Sully that Passenger 57 or Snakes On A Plane.

The Captain is competent but human, never feeling like he's invulnerable nor does he always have the best answer, and not everything goes right. He's taking it one minute at a time and doing his best.

The conclusion is thrilling and again the solution doesn't work perfectly but rather just enough.

M3GAN (2022)

Creepy Fun

[8/10 · 5 February 2023]

M3GAN clearly has ties to Chucky but replaces the supernatural with cutting-edge AI and mechanical engineering. We've seen most of this before, but it's presented here with a wry smile and tongue sometimes planted firmly in the cinematic cheek. M3GAN is realist, yet just off enough to give both the audience and the characters in the film a delightful case of the willies.

It's not gory, which I believe is a strength rather than a weakness, particularly given the age of several characters. Instead it focuses on the building sense of dread rather than resorting to cheap shock value, and also pays homage to several fan-favorite films.

Night at the Museum: Kahmunrah Rises Again (2022)

Another lazy, dumbed-down cash grab from Disney

[3/10 · 1 January 2023]

What is going on with Disney lately that their sequels to well-liked and respected franchises seem to have no effort put into them?

Willow and National Treasure we're so painful to watch that I couldn't get through the first episodes, and now Night at the Museum has a similar effect, forcing me to turn it off barely ten minutes into the movie.

It doesn't fit into the continuity of the three films, and all the characters are either stupid or mean spirited for some reason.

The way they get Larry's son to be the new night watchman is beyond lazy and uninspired, and essentially makes is hate all of the characters that we know and love.

I think this is the last straw for Disney plus and it's time to unsubscribe.

The Witcher: Blood Origin (2022)

A Witcher Fan Film

[3/10 · 29 December 2022]

As the title of my review suggests, this show doesn't feel real. The Witcher possesses peak verisimilitude in spite of the fantastic setting and characters, but Blood Origin feels like a well produced film made by fans with technical skills but lacking the necessary writing and acting chops.

It also feels like the characters exist solely due to who was available to play them.

The pacing is off, spending too little time establishing characters and story lines clearly while spending far too much time on unimportant details and scenes.

The writing doesn't fit, with modern language, colloquialisms, and references to popular franchises.

Such a shame. I was looking forward to this but am sorely disappointed.

National Treasure: Edge of History (2022–2023)

Another swing and a miss

[3/10 · 15 December 2022]

Like Willow, the creators of National Treasure don't understand the source material nor how to represent marginalized people without making them unrelatable and unlikeable because they do everything perfectly while everyone else is an incompetent dolt.

In the movies Ben is smart but it's his education, passion for history, and his initiative that allow him to solve puzzles, not some magic gift. He's also humble enough to enlist the help of others with their own particular skills and knowledge.

The movies were also a lot of fun, with even the baddies chewing the scenery to our delight while racing around discovering clues and methodically assembling them to solve the mystery. Here we get treasure hunter dad who automatically knows where the button is and can inexplicably fight goons and escape, only to endanger his wife and child who would have certainly been caught and made to pay for his betrayal. Then we have the gross FBI agents who made my skin crawl and weren't remotely believable. Maybe they turn out to be baddies posing as agents, but in that case their bizarre behavior should have tipped off the main character who can do no wrong.

These creators need to understand you represent people by showing their value as human beings, not by using them to score cheap points with the SJW crowd.