Exit_of_99c_Special Reviews

Lucky Stiff (1988)

Tasty treat for fans of Pat Proft (Police Acadamy, Hot Shots, Naked Gun)

[8/10 · 1 February 2008]

As mentioned in the title, this is another story by Pat Proft who has written for all a few serial comedies, including the last two Scary Movie films. Stop here if you don't like these types of films as you most certainly won't like this movie either! To be honest, I own both Hot Shot films. This is not because I love them, it is more that I know that if I need some head cleaner these can do the trick. Comedies that have crazy plots and over the top characters which won't win Oscars, but should be entertaining enough when the mood is right.

Over the years, a few other programs have made direct references to this film. One was a kids program that re-enacted the 'scary ghost' scenes almost verbatim. As I was channel surfing, I had no idea what the program was, but needless to say, this film inspires.

I first saw Lucky Stiff in parts while on tour in Delaware. This night had a lot of partying involved, and having this film on was perfect. For years, me and one of my band mates sought this film. I finally nailed it down and bought it as a birthday gift. That copy was lost on a subsequent birthday house fire.

Now, with the DVD available, we have it once again and can rejoice in splendor of the quips, gags, and creepiness of this film. I suggest to those of you who can enjoy the Naked Gun or Hot Shot series to give this one a try. The DVD is cheap to buy online, so get it before it goes out of print! I give this a high rating for what it is against those who pan it for not being 'Gone with the Wind' or something of that caliber. I would truly offer a 6 star rating otherwise.

Apocalypto (2006)

Another Humdrum Beauty

[7/10 · 10 December 2007]

Imagine yourself at a party. Across the room walks in a vision that you can't turn away from. You slide up to become better acquainted, and the first impression is wonderful. Making an evening of this, you find that the beauty is as superficial as anyone else in the room, and not the dream you wished for.

That gleaming sight married with the average is this movie. It really has the looks. The special effects are convincing enough. The scenery might just be enough of a reason to watch this film. However, the biggest miss was the story following along the formulaic path that Hollywood has already set in stone.

The character building in the beginning backfired on me. The main character didn't come of as a friendly prankster, but rather like a school yard bully. After we find out the purpose of his 'quest', we see his actions become defensive as he runs from his newly found troubles. These troubles wind up being the whole purpose of the story.

As others have commented, the beginning bests the end. That leaves many feeling good overall rather than great. I did enjoyed the film for what it was. I admit, the criticism I offer doesn't balance enough positive against the negative. Let me point plainly in saying: It's a good action fantasy film which pits the bad guys versus the good guys (yet again) -- but in a visually appealing way.

Of the hundreds of films I own, this one will never make it to my collection. It is a flash in the pan that will dim when the novelty of its splendor fades.

Haggard (2003 Video)

Low budget skate cream crap

[3/10 · 3 October 2006]

Right from the start, I didn't like any of the characters in this film. It didn't help that the film was a glorified skateboard video.

A brief explanation of my tastes: I love b-films, campy titles, and movies that target my special brand of entertainment. This failed to hit the mark.

While viewing the initial scenes, which had no point, I drew my first assumption. The character being glorified walking on rooftops, skating about, and just being present for no reason was to be the director/writer/actor. Sure enough, it was. The problem with one person doing so much is the lack of outside perspective. This film could have benefited from someone else being the director, writer, or actor than 'Bam'.

The characters in this story are for the most part highly obnoxious and annoying. The lead character is a pathetic 'dumpee' who whines about it for the whole film. There are a string of other players who range in annoyance.

Oddly, one of my favorite characters was the most annoying, played by Raab Himself. He played his part in a very convincing fashion making every scene he was in uncomfortable. I related to the character with a feeling that I kinda wanted to try and help this simple minded kid.

I'm struggling to say something good about this film, a reason why I voted 3 stars and not 1. I can't say exactly, but there were a few things in this film that elevated it from being unwatchable.

What this film made me feel is 'When is this over?'. I wouldn't suggest this film to anyone.

Land of the Free (1998)

Expected trash got recyclables

[5/10 · 6 September 2005]

Well, nothing original here in terms of plot. Action? Yes, plenty! If there is anything to talk about this film, it's due to the endless action that happens through out the film, whether is be between cars, people, or both. I was highly surprised by how well the stunts were performed and even the fighting sequences. Although my comment is on the good work the stunt people have done for this film, the fact is that ever car winds up being launched in to the air.

I was impressed that most cars didn't blow up for just being in an accident - something Hollywood does far too often. The ultimate for me was the school bus car chase, lots of damage. Not only did this bus ram innocent people, it even rolls over a few! The bus scene is worth an extra star.

This film ranks well with me for mindless violence. I expected a cheesy movie that I wouldn't be able to watch, but instead, the constant supply of bad guys to kill or cars to destroy makes this actually entertaining to watch.

One element I laughed about was the soundtrack. The composer seemed to mismatch happy, sad, action, and serene music with the entire opposite scene.

The film truly is shot and directed well, sadly what does this film harm is the lack of believability in the story. The film has constant car accidents, gunfire, and murder, yet no police ever intercept. I'm sure that you can't steal a bus and run 20 cars off the road without getting at least ONE person calling the cops!

Murder Rap (1988)

Christopher is the Father of Found Sound!

[3/10 · 31 August 2005]

"Murder Rap is a love story. It is a story filled with mystery and suspense. It is a story about deception and murder. It is Christopher and Anna's story." So goes the description on the back of the box. It also goes on to compare the lead actor John Hawkes as 'the James Dean of the 80s'. Sure, the kid wears blue jeans with and a black leather jacket, but they do not make him look 'cool'. The lead has a very geeky sort of sense, and to top it off, our hero's ride is not a Harley, it's a Vespa.

So scootering from action point to dull point, he chances on an audio hot tip which turns out to sound like a brutal murder. Rather than go to the police, he is convinced that he needs to figure out more about what happened. He plays it cool and gets played himself. This would be the deception that the back of the box mentions.

The back of the box interestingly also mentions 'provocative sex scenes'. Trust me, I think this was put on the wrong box, I didn't see anything that fits that description, more over, the lead actor is not someone most would like to see in action with anyone.

The film seems to be a promotional tool for the three musical bands listed on the cover. Sometimes the story stops to show a few minutes of one of these bands playing on stage. There are some neat geeky things for those who know what these things are, such as Vespas, one of those two octave Yamaha sampling keyboards, possibly a Synclavier II sampling keyboard (a real classic!), and making music from odd sounds.

The back of the box promises us a lot and delivers very little. It's claim of 'brilliant direction by newcomer Kliff Kuehl' is a far reach, in fact, Kliff never made it much farther than this movie.

Murder Rap is very 80s. It is a story filled with cheese and a few good bullet holes. It is a story that makes some sense in the end, but the reasoning of it always follows the route of silly. It is a bit long in some scenes, but in whole, the film is just plain ridiculous.

The worst part is I identify with the character of Christopher. I took the same path in life he did, a college drop-out turned struggling musician. I hope I don't turn out like he did.

Chasers (1994)

Good romp around the Carolinas

[7/10 · 31 August 2005]

Is this your typical women in chains navy transport love story? Maybe, hell, you know how the formula works by now, pretty woman is introduced in to a picture, someone has to fall in love with her.

I think this film does follow some typical story lines, but that doesn't say anything about the content. There are great scenes with Crispen Glover, Dennis Hopper, and Gary Busey, although short. Some things didn't make sense, such as the need to get in to random fights, but it is entertaining to watch, the fights were actually well done.

This is definitely a comedy foremost, but it does have a lot of good feel to it. The humor is well balanced, you won't hurt your stomach on this, but you will keep a smile.

There is a little bit of steamy action, so not one for the kids.

Heartburn (1986)

Waste of film, lifeless and drawn out

[2/10 · 30 August 2005]

You could say that the actors will make a movie, but this clearly proves that statement wrong. Most of the characters in this film lack anything to hold on to. They play the part of cardboard cut outs being moved about in predictable and uninteresting ways. The story is very simple. It could be summed up in a few words, but I'll hold back in case anyone reading does want to see this film.

I had to fast forward the parts where Jack showed us how to be an obnoxious eater. I'd have to say that 70% of this film revolved around cooking, eating, or getting ready to eat. Quite frankly, I'd rather not spend my time watching Jack chew noisily with an open mouth. Personally, I could have done without the footwear references and jokes that pepper the first half of the film too.

Outside of my own personal dementia, the film really lacked anything worth it's time. There were countless scenes and camera shots that felt like it was dragging. When something happens, the reactions of the characters are vague and dry.

Best not to look this one up.

White Phantom (1987)

Here comes the Harmonica!

[5/10 · 26 August 2005]

A Slap-happy yokel in a beige overcoat, who is supposed to be the stories hero, spends most of his time tipping his Yankees hat to kids and strangers while strolling from brothel to basketball court to strip joint playing his harmonica as he enters every scene.

Immediately upon seeing the White Phantom the first time, I'm was laughing and hoping that he will shave at some point in the film. I'll leave that for you to find out for yourselves. I will say this, his nutsy patchy attempt of a beard didn't make the it to the box cover.

The film doesn't establish it's location very well. It begins with a noisy eating guy with California plates who gets his cargo ganked. It cuts to a steamy ninja dance and the real action begins. I can only assume from the street signs that the new location, which is for the remainder of the film, is in China or perhaps Hong Kong. The confusing part is every character that doesn't speak English speaks Mandarin. To confuse this further, the film is rife with ninjas, which ninjas are from Japanese culture. So Japanese Ninjas in China who speak Chinese? The White Phantom doesn't appear until midway through the film and when it comes to action, he's so ninja he uses his fists to fight off 50 camouflage ninjas with swords.

If this hasn't convinced you that you should rent or preferably BUY this film, then maybe the mention of multiple games of Rock, Paper, Scissors are played in Chinese. That's hot action! Also, there are some minor bare foot shots for those who might be interested.

If you like campy fun, you can laugh your way through this. 'White Phantom - Enemy of Darkness' has earned a special rank in my collection of bad films. The camera work is respectable, the story ridiculous, the characters silly. In summary, this film proved to me why White Ninjas are always unhappy - they can never get those pesky dirt, grass, and blood stains out!

SLAM DUNK!

Second Sight (1989)

I Expected the Worst and Came Out Smiling

[6/10 · 17 August 2005]

I do love campy films. This one is surely just that. The humor is simple, it would best accompany the mood at sleep time or a while zoning after a long day of work.

There are plenty of films out there that should come first, but if you are looking for something light, you might enjoy it. It's more entertaining than a lot of the television programs out there so it can't hurt to watch this instead. What amazed me the most is the sense there was a decent budget to this (the airplane scene surely took some money).

I didn't expect to like this at all, but since I wrote a song which shares the same title, I had to see it. Any fans of Stuart Pankin should be happy that he is a main character for once in this film.

Illegally Yours (1988)

Campy Fun at a Fast Pace

[8/10 · 16 August 2005]

I swear if I did ever tried cocaine I'd be able to relate to this film perfectly. Its pace, as well as the dialog, churns out at speeds that some viewers might need to stop and relax their heads.

There are great little elements that pop up through out the film, like how Rob Lowe's character seems to always be loosing a shoe, or how some characters keep running spirals around his zigzagged path. The story was put together extremely well and the direction seems flawless.

The movie reeks of clumsy and cuteness. This is one I think most could enjoy. A few laugh-out-loud-even-if-you-are-alone moments ensure that I'll certainly be watching this again.

Jane White Is Sick & Twisted (2002)

I Begged for it to End

[2/10 · 16 August 2005]

I am a fan of terrible movies. I love horrible films. Somehow, I think this film was made to appeal my type of person. Did it? No. The main character plays a girl that is not sick or twisted, rather mentally retarded and useless.

As the movie description says, Jane White tries everything possible to be on the Gerry Show (Jerry Springer show except with Laverine & Shirley's Squiggy). She believes that Gerry is her father, so the film documents her journey from cheap set to cheap sound stage set. Some of the cast you might lose respect for after seeing this.

Sadly, other than the bright orange tights that Jane wears, there was nothing in this film to enjoy. For those who could careless about bright orange tights, then there is nothing for them to enjoy.

The Yakuza Way (1999)

Best if Avoided Unless You Want to Make an Action Film

[3/10 · 16 August 2005]

From the opening to the ending, bad acting, bad directing, bad story. The star of this picture was pretty good, but so much of the cast were acting on the level of school play.

There is a lot of action, but much of it suffers believability, well, as does much of the movie too! My favorite cheap stunt is the man being hit by the car. It starts with a bad guy pulling out his gun, the lead actor hearing it and spinning around while pulling his gun out, somehow a Geo Metro approaching from out of frame at 5 miles per hour 'crashes' in to the bad guy, which of course shatters the windshield.

Nothing says action done wrong more than this film. This film's best use is an example of what not to do for anyone who wants to make their own action movie. I did appreciate the directors leg and foot focus which appears at the establishing shots of any scene with a female in it.

Jimmy Zip (1999)

Surprisingly good

[8/10 · 25 June 2005]

This film explores the troubled life of a young man with no hope and no future. His home life is one of abuse which drives him out to the streets. With no clue about what will happen next, he is led along a path ladened with interesting characters, violence, possible love, and job security in a shady industry.

The acting was actually pretty good overall, the visual effects done perfectly, the environment believable. I really didn't think of this as an independent movie while watching, instead I got lost in the story which moves along at a well calculated pace.

The only detractor is some points of the film are a little hokey, but hey, most Hollywood films blow this terrific film out of the water with hokeyness.