nocpan Reviews

Avenue 5 (2020–2022)

More annoying than funny

[4/10 · 6 December 2023]

The concept is ok, stranded space cruise ship trying to get back home. But its based on cheap immature humor, mostly showing how stupid the characters are, stupid and annoying, you want the characters of Judd and Karen Kelly to die every episode yet they thrive and live on to do something annoyingly idiotic in the next episode. Hugh Laurie does Dr. House just with way more swearing and far less confidence. Almost every negative human trait is enlarged exposed and shown in this dark side that points that humanity deserves to die. Only normal and likable character was that of Billie, but it does not save the entire show. It was good for white noise while I was dying of covid but it is hard to watch as a good past time.

Velma (2023– )

Adult scooby doo with all political incorrectness

[9/10 · 23 January 2023]

This cartoon is awesome. Its for those who watched original scooby in 80-90s and now are grown up but still have a sense of humor. I fail to understand how in time of lousy comebacks, bo jack, bobs burgers, big mouth or kola man ect... People dont find this funny. Its making fun of all the aspects of previous versions and pop culture cliches, at some point we all wondered why Daphne is not this stock up queen b., Or if rich spoiled Freddy shouldnt be more of an a.hole, This series got violence, foul language, nudity, references to sex, lgbt and some psychodelics, full package which all current adult shows are missing. Its like South park of mystery machines, but animation is better. You want bad? New TMNT is bad, Thundercats is worse, and She-ra disapoints to next level, Velma is fresh voulgar bag of fun.

Into the Night (II) (2020–2021)

Its Tha langoliers but worse

[5/10 · 3 May 2020]

While the theme of Stephen King's The Langoliers was intersting, only here we dont run from wierd reality eating creatures instead its the sun rays, rest was bad. If there is a list of all the bad cliché moments in the movies, the creators of this miniseries took it and ate it up with a passion. Very little character development. Absurd, invented problems. Last people on earth but everyone is out to get one another instead if working together. No stitches then lets burn the wound? Never works in real life but lets do it anyway, lets hope that the burned dead flesh doesnt get infected and person doesnt go into shock, key person to the survival. Learn how to land a plane from youtube? Even mythbusters proved it to be imposible, lets put it in here. Survive in landing gear compartment at 10 000km and fight back, sure why not. We refulled 3 times in different affected locations, the 4th one has the bad fuel because of sun's radiation, but car fuel is ok. 30 min after surgery pilot is up and running ready to fly the plane, recovery miracle. It keeps going, absurd after absurd concept. I really just watched to the end cause we are stuck at home with little to do, else I'd quit after 2nd episode.

The Boys (2019– )

Nicely done but far from the graphic novel

[8/10 · 23 September 2019]

Its amazing how many times people are handed ready to go material and they go off and try to reinvent the wheel from scratch. Its like that with The Boys. I read the whole 72 issues for the graphic novel and it was good, not great but good. Not so much social media oriented bit darker bit more perverted, I don't see why they choose to throw all that out, just borrow some characters and certain concepts and rewrite the whole thing. But for what it is, its a good distopian hero universe where being a hero means market value, movie contracts, merchendise and public apearances. It is not a show about heroes but about those who without powers are trying to bring them down, punish the guilty. It is about loosing innocence and blurring the lines between good and bad, what is just and what is not.

Star Trek: Discovery (2017–2024)

Good scifi but not Star Trek

[5/10 · 10 October 2017]

I don't know if I can say anything new to what has been already said but here goes. If you expect a Star Trek experience like before, even like the new reboot movies, you will not get it. The ships, the uniforms, the technology even the way battles are conducted stands away from every piece of Star Trek franchise created to date. I know you can't build something that will look like Kirk's (Shatner) Enderprise for a ship, but what we have here dwarfs movie reboots. Medical equipment looks like something from far future, phasers and photon torpedoes rain down like in a 3D Simulation Shooter. Where are the majestic chase scenes? dives and evasive maneuvers? instead of long phaser bursts cutting up enemy ships we get a dog fight like scenes, zoomed out with chaotic shooting like in a Star Wars battle. All ships drop out of warp and come to unnatural instant stop, like the 3D animator just hit pause. Interior of the ships is rich with detail and loaded up with technology, they didn't have communication holo projectors in TNG and DS9 why they have it here? Spore instant drive? Its nowhere else in other series. Where I always though that Enterprise lacked in some aspects in retrospect I can appreciate all the mistakes that creators of that show did not do. Klingons, the blood thirsty, impulsive, violent warriors of the galaxy are philosophers and religious fanatics in temple like ships. Where are the dark, dirty ships filled with smoke and atmosphere of dread? Where are short shouted orders often followed by a head butt or a punch to emphasize that you do not question them? Nope not here. Its a completely new world, new reality. Not the old series not the movie reboot by JJ. After 4th episode my craving for older look grows and realization that it will not come back makes me sad. I bet that to then new generation of trekkies this will be a new standard and they look at the previous series as something of an antique, but to a one who grew up on TNG and watched every other one soaking it up like a sponge, this cannot be assimilated with the rest.

Logan (2017)

Not a super hero movie

[7/10 · 5 March 2017]

Opposed to all previous X-Man productions this one does not come across as a super hero movie at all. If you expected this to be a brutal, in line with comics Wolverine hack and slash action flick, well its just not it. Wolverine was made human, a limping, broken down drunk driving a limo for a living one a path to self destruction. Professor X was turned into an old man, half senile half demented unable to control his powers and has to take pills that "mentally castrate" him. No mention of the other x-men, aside from one other no other mutants. Most of the movie is filmed in remote, unpopulated locations common to low budget productions which this movie is not. A predictable chase and run motive throughout the movie separated by long no action, time for reflection sequences. Jackman and Steward performances were flawless, total contrast of characters to what was done previously. You metaphorically and physically see your favorite characters die. Naive plot with sanctuary for mutants was predictable from the beginning. Ending was sadly anticlimactic and foreshadowed from the start. This production is a total opposite to all other movies and in an attempt to bring Wolverine to the adult audience a lot of this comic magic was lost in favor of more down to earth concepts.

Emerald City (2016–2017)

Its good lets hope they do not wreck it

[8/10 · 27 February 2017]

With all the classic reboots currently being produced I didn't get my hopes too high for this production. But with each passing episode I got more drawn into it. When original wizard of OZ was written, steam punk didn't exist, but its very clever to incorporate it into the story, it fits. Costumes are very nice, original and fitting the OZ universe. Scenography especially filming locations are stunning, I can't tell if all this is CG or they actually found castles/palaces like that, forests and high planes that would be so befitting. Story does not drag and there is no pointless dialogs. Time line is a little inconsistent, events of one group of characters compared to another should take significantly longer yet they all meet at the same time in near future. The should has a good start and distinct characters that can be liked or disliked on several levels, there is not absolute good or evil Dorothy aside. I hope they do not drag it out like they did with Once Upon a Time which also started as a good fresh show and grew very tiresome despite good acting and special effects.

Total Retribution (2011 Video)

Potential wasted

[3/10 · 21 February 2017]

I like those cheaper, less professional productions, always there is something interesting in them, I liked how the beginning met the ending, the concept is not very common. For a low budget movie the CG was OK yet could be improved. Props were terrible, Nerf guns painted in black and silver. Costumes? definitely needed an upgrade, I though Starship Rising had poor costumes, here it looked like everyone jest dressed themselves with what they had. Story is about an android trying to save humanity with two fractions fighting over a control of a space gun array. Seems like an OK theme to build on. Reminded me of those Starship Troopers continuations where they run around identical looking tunnels being picked off one by one by bugs and trying to save the world. Here we don't have bugs, but some poorly animated robots and zombie like people with bloody eyes. When the main character android Helen walked around for first 15 min naked around the space station I thought "serious lack of dialog" but after new characters were introduced I really wanted the lack of dialog, it was possibly the worst part of the movie. The cheesy, adolescent, out of place dialogs filled with half sentences and nonsense outbursts. Its like everyone tried so hard to be a character they are not and on top of it over colored it. I will not say "don't watch it", but will advise extreme caution. Notion of wasted time may be present after watching it.

Unrated: The Movie (2009)

Who put up money to create this?

[1/10 · 2 December 2016]

I like B movies, the are unrefined but sometimes give you that something that big Hollywood productions lack. Here we are given nothing.

It is a movie about a looser director taking four actresses into an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere to film a movie with a hand held Sony handy cam. The director in the movie is the actual director of Unrated the movie and I'm quite certain that his portrayed role in the movie is quite close to the original self.

I can't begin to understand how this movie came to be. Acting is very bad, dialog is as shallow as a puddle. For example "You are s**t, and you are pi$$." said by one of the "actress" to the remaining two, and this was one of the more dramatic moments of interaction. Movie looks like it has in fact been shot with a Sony HandyCam. There is no mood or tension which should be present. Sad to say, even nudity is used in crude amateur way. It did not help the movie. Even the last final battle which supposed to be dynamic, gore, blood, guts and killing just wasn't it at all.

How come this looks so bad? it is as if 9th grade video club was given handful of cash and told they can hire strippers for the movie. Any attempts at giving characters some depth failed miserably. Costumes and special effects were very low budget, and since when blood bubbles like soap water?

I strongly advise against watching this movie. It is just not worth wasting anyone's time. I have no idea how come it got through editing, previews and ultimately to DVD but it does not provide entertainment of any sort, you will just be frustrated that you spent hour and a half sitting and hoping it will get better somehow.

Garm Wars: The Last Druid (2014)

Visually beautiful

[7/10 · 29 February 2016]

I am a big fan of Mamoru's work. He has a specific style in which many aspects of the story are not explained. Here we have Final Fantasy like computer graphics with live actors and one Basset hound running around. Very unique vehicles, ships and armor design. Quite good action/battle scenes. But plot is hard to understand and should have more detail, it is hard to follow since you are dropped in the middle of entire culture clash with just scraps of information to go on.

I enjoyed it since it was like watching newer Final Fantasy movies, some scenes reminded me of Avalon (also Mamoru's work). And give it 7 out of 10 especially because of amazing graphics and fights scenes. Dialog could use improvement.

Fire City: End of Days (2015)

Original idea, needs refinement

[6/10 · 29 February 2016]

Despite the low budget of 200 000 USD, I sat through that movie without, checking my watch, composing grocery shopping list or thinking what will my day at work be like tomorrow.

I think its original. There were movies about monsters living among humans but usually its different. Here we have a run down apartment building with different monsters/demons living in it, who have a parasitic relationship with other human tenants where they feed of their misery, pain, anger and fear. It was very clever how all monsters see each other as they are but humans see them as normal people, this is actually explained somewhat. But there are many loose ends and unexplained aspects that drag the movie down.

The story revolves around a caretaker of the building, Adam, who apparently is a demon who doesn't need to feed on other peoples emotions and has a soft spot for the 11 year old girl who he protects. In turn he brings down the wrath of other supernatural tenants who begin to starve because of his actions.

If anything the violence and misery were not shown vividly enough. It should be more drastic. More severe, more bloody. Horrors are meant to be brutal, this one is not so much. Scenes of violence were theatrical and not to real. Hinting that a big black man(very stereotypical) in a dirty wife-beater is going to rape a 11 year old girl, somehow was done is such a way that it wasn't even disturbing. And its not very disturbing when we find out that he did.

The movie is almost entirely shot indoors, most likely on the same floor of an apartment building or set that looks like one. Masks and makeup are pretty nice, not computer animated, some clever others like monsters from Power Rangers. That could use improvement.

This is not a movie I would recommend for anyone. Geeky audience will find it amusing. Others might not like it. It is not worse than some TV series I seen, so sit back, pop open a beer and take it for what it is.