itsbaylis Reviews

Moonwalker (1988)

I never thought it could happen.

[9/10 · 15 February 2008]

(There isn't much in the way of spoilers, since there isn't a plot to reveal, but still, I guess I describe some of what happens so...) This is it. This is THE most nonsensical film I've ever seen. There are simply no words to describe this movie, although "bizarre" "ridiculous" and "ego trip" are pretty close. the opening half hour or so are really, really weird music videos, with absolutely no plot or continuity, apart from that MJ falls into some from the previous. One of the highlights of this part of the "film" in the section where MJ is flying a merry-go-round aeroplane through what seem to be half-arsed bond intro rejects and sections cut from Yellow Submarine (dear lord you could not make this up).

Then, with a little over an hour remaining, the "film" begins, with a lot of claymation (some of it really creepy) spotting our "hero" and chasing him looking for an autograph. Obviously, this leaves our as of yet mute (discounting songs) lead somewhat worried, and he manages to temporarily lose them. Fortunate for him, because it means he can witness a falling star and, and again, I'm not making this up, turn into a claymation rabbit. He uses this cunning disguise to try and sneak past them, but, for reasons I can't recall right now, they see through it (oh no!) and the creepy chase begins again. Cue another song (big shock there).

Shortly after the end of the chase, MJ somehow brings the rabbit to life, until he is busted by a policeman (in the middle of the desert) because it is, apparently, illegal to dance there.

The rest of the film is equally as strange, highlights including MJ cleaning up a bar to the tune of Smooth Criminal, including shooting a man with his finger, not only killing the guy, but burning his shadow into the wall, a la nuclear fission weapons. Another good moment is when MJ, seeing, Mr Big (Joe "what the hell happened to his career at this point?" Peschi) kidnap one of the children he was friends with, magically creates a tommy gun, and in another moment of violence that pepper this film seemingly at random, opens fire at everything that moves. A final moment I shall mention is when MJ, surrounded by Mr Big and his private army. Seriously, this guy has dozens of people working for him, and they're decked out more like commando units rather than mobsters, which I guess they are. How does he get out? Why, he turns into a robot, complete with weapons and shield. This is the third of four transformations he makes, almost always when backed into a corner and/or on the run.

This film is quite, quite surreal, with little in the way of plot, and virtually no continuity.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)

I decided to write this after reading another comment

[9/10 · 27 January 2008]

One where someone talked about Tim Burton caving into the Hollywood thing of loads of blood and gore everywhere.

It immediately struck me that this person clearly had no idea of the stage musical. There HAS to be buckets of blood, that's kind of the point. It wasn't unnecessary in the same way the singing wasn't unnecessary, sure, you could have missed it out and still had the bare bones, but it just would not have been Sweeny Todd. I'm sorry this person was offended, or at least perturbed by all the blood, but it's like going to see Saving Private Ryan and complaining about the violence, or Pulp Fiction and the swearing, it's just part of it, and always has been.

Anyway, criticism of an ill thought out review aside, this film is brilliant. It isn't perfect, and there are small quibbles with it, but it's very very good. I was particularly impressed with the singing of all involved, and also the quality of the acting, with Timothy Spall in particular o great form as the creepy and thoroughly unpleasant Beadle Bamford. The direction was dark and slightly brooding, which one expects from Tim Burton, and worked very well with the story.

However, I think the most credit has to go to the source of the genius itself, Sondheim. The man wrote wonderful songs, not catchy, mark you, but brilliant. Dark, comedic, in a number of cases, and wonderfully fitting for the tale that many people insist is true but, alas, is not.

Oh, and Sacha Baron Cohen's suit is...indescribable.

To sum up, a wonderful, comedic and strictly necessary bloodbath, with wonderful songs, sung well, and surrounded by great acting.

Santa Claus (1959)

This movie is sheer genius.

[10/10 · 10 September 2007]

It's the most unbelievably nonsensical movie I've ever seen. I have only watched this ripped apart by MST3K, so I can't talk about it 'clean' so to speak.

However, I get the impression it would be just as funny, and possibly even more disturbing. If this film doesn't put your kids off Santa, I don't know what will, as he appears to hold to slave labour and has spying equipment the CIA would kill for.

The entire film is a weird Christian centred movie, with a very creepy Santa (who thinks people on Earth eat smoke. Incidentally where the hell is he supposed to live, exactly?) fighting a devil called Pitch, who is the most unbelievably camp villain I think I've ever seen. After Santa makes some weird wishy-washy comment about Jesus (seriously, what the hell?) he takes off for earth after his child slaves load up the sleigh. The kids are, by the way, the most horrifically stereotyped examples from various countries and continents, including some which I'm sure aren't huge on the whole Christmas thing...

The rest of the film makes even less sense. There's some really disturbing giant dolls and a horrifically saccharine little girl who is really just....horrible. She's not cute, she's sugary vileness of the highest degree.

A truly disturbing film in many ways, but absolutely hilarious from start to finish.

The Dungeonmaster (1984)

There are no words.

[2/10 · 26 June 2007]

To describe how laughably bad this movie is. It's dreadful.

I mean, how good can a movie go when the plot involves a man who is so much in the thrall of his computer, his girlfriend is jealous of it. I mean, with a start like that it's not going to be The Godfather, is it? In fact, this movie isn't even The GodSON (that one with Dom DeLuise). It in fact doesn't seem to have a coherent plot at all, and just leaps from sketch to sketch showing off the "amazing skills" of the stop motion animators involved, or more often to show off the boom mike, which keeps dropping into view. It's got 2 stars rather than one purely because some humour can be gleaned from the ridiculously over the top performance of the man playing Satan (Brian Blessed looks calm and composed in comparison) and the repeated inclusion of that boom mike.

Fiddler on the Roof (1971)

Tradition!

[9/10 · 5 May 2007]

A truly superb musical, Fiddler on the Roof is a delight to watch. I found myself humming along to the repeated song Tradition while watching it, and along with other superb songs shows a dramatic, yet also comedic side to this musical. Indeed, despite all the comedic asides by Topol, and the happiness of many scenes, there is also a vivid display of the plight of the Russian Jewish population of the time this movie is set, adding a darker tone, although not one that in any way damages the film, as light and dark sit well with each other. All the musical performances are top notch, particularly that of Topol as Tevye, a role he fits so well and manages to bring alive.

An intriguing plot shapes this movie, helping to elevate it above "just another musical" along with the aforementioned performances. A film that shouldn't be missed, even if you're not a big fan of musicals.

Shallow Ground (2004)

Err....what?

[1/10 · 2 May 2007]

What the hell was that all about then? Damned if I know, but it was awful.

This film was another I saw at my University's SU bar for free (and I only saw it because I was told it was Shallow GRAVE) and I want my money back.

It has about the same scare factor as being in a really comfy armchair with a nice cup of tea and a soothing CD on, is as satisfying as a half eaten pot noodle, and makes about as much sense as a semi-comatose, acid tripping man with no hands trying to communicate through sign language.

I mean what the hell was going on? I missed the opening 10-15 minutes as I was getting food (the diversion being a far more interesting experience than the film, and as I recall more scare-filled too) and as such assumed that I was lost because of this. I asked all my friends and they informed me it was not because I had been late, but because the film sucked more than a prostitutes industrial hoover.

I still don't know what this film was ultimately about, and frankly the sequel-aimed ending made me fly into a semi murderous rage at the prospect, before I calmed down with the realisation that no film this mind numbingly boring and, to be frank, stupid, would ever get a sequel.

Spirit Trap (2005)

Good grief, what DO we have here...?

[2/10 · 2 May 2007]

Yet another craptastic movie I got to see for free at my SU bar here at university. Boy, am I glad it was free.

Firstly, this film is really, really confusing. I'm not saying I didn't understand what was going on, rather that I didn't understand peoples reactions and/or WHY things were happening. For example, in one scene which I shall dub the "confession" scene, two characters reveal flaws they have. This makes them randy, apparently, and they begin a relationship right there. Now, I don't know about anyone reading this, but I wouldn't really be in the mood if I had just confessed something about myself to my potential partner, and had them do the same back, but hey, I'm not stuck in the house that quality movie-making forgot.

Another problem with the film is, I have to say, the performances. The only actors in this I recognised were Sam Troughton (mainly because I know his connection to Patrick) and Billie Piper. They were the best actors in this by a long shot, but then, scarlet fever is better than cancer, so lets not be too hasty in giving out the applause.

On a brighter note, the clock in the hallway looked cool.

3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)

There's a circle of hell reserved for Hulk Hogan, based on this movie alone

[1/10 · 30 October 2006]

My therapist won't like me talking about it but I've got a bottle of calm-down pills nearby in case this review brings up too many memories for me ad causes...a relapse.

This film is dreadful. There aren't enough words to describe how buttock clenchingly bad this film is. It made me want to yell at those responsible about how they were causing physical pain to people with this movie. I was 12 when I first watched this and I thought it was awful then as well. I defy any child to be content with this dross, and if any adult enjoys it I'm sorry but the men in white coats are coming with the special jacket.

The plot is nonsense, the dialogue stomach churning and the acting worse than anything seen in a Friday the 13th movie. Avoid if you like your eyeballs and don't want to spoon them out.

Now if you'll excuse me I'll just take my tablets and go to bed before they come and take me away again...

Rear Window (1954)

Quite simply one of the best films ever made.

[10/10 · 24 October 2006]

This movie is one of my favourite films, and deserves to be right up there with other classics of cinema, new and old, because, aside from a few references and special effects, it hasn't really aged.

Or rather it has aged, because too often these days there is little thought put into the characters of a movie, with more reliance on sex, violence and thundering through the plot at light-speed to reach a dramatic end. This film devotes time to the characters, even the ones with tiny parts being fleshed out to an extent where no one is ever left as just a plot device or totally pointless.

As for the acting, it's superb from all the cast, with the entire ensemble on top form. James Stewart, possibly my favourite actor, is a shining example of how acting should be, with a well thought out measured performance you don't doubt for a second. Grace Kelly also plays her part superbly, standing alongside Stewart in this film as an example to today's actors of how suspense SHOULD be played.

I'll take this movie over the special effects laden, thinly plotted drivel that is turned out in much modern cinema.

Ghost Ship (2002)

What a load of tripe. I wish I were sailing at over 100 "knots per hour" away from this dire movie.

[21 October 2006]

The part of my title in quotation marks is a line from the movie uttered by Gabriel Byrne as a captain of an ocean going vessel. In case any of you don't know saying "knots per hour" makes about as much sense as "ATM machine" or "DVD disc" (Knots-nautical miles per hour, ATM- Automated/matic Teller Machine, DVD- digital versatile disc). This is only one major gaffe in the movies script alone.

The first shot of the film is fairly effective (it only goes downhill) as is one shot roughly half way in (I think) where I jumped for the second time in the film. Second and last. I feel this is a shame because this movie wastes one excellent actor (Byrne) and one very competent one (Karl Urban, who was excellent in Lord of the Rings, pity about Shortland street really {addendum: I was wrongly informed he was in Shortland Street, I apologise.}) with a dire concept, script, ending, editing and directing. Still, at least the lighting was OK.

Valentine (2001)

There are two ways in which films scare me.

[1/10 · 21 October 2006]

One possible way is that the film is actually a frightening one, and it's so good I get pulled into it. Examples are basically two, The Shining and The Wicker Man (especially The Wicker Man).

The other way is exemplified by this film. I'm terrified to think of this movie. It chills me to the core, and every time I think about it all I can do is wonder with terror "Someone made this film and thought it was GOOD? What drugs were they ON?" This movie is dire. I cannot think of one thing to redeem this film. I wish I could give it 0 stars, I really do. The only good thing I can say is "At least it's not as bad as Ghostkeeper" and that's not even close to praise.

Bad concepts for films I love, they always make me chuckle. Or so I thought, until I saw this dire piece of trash. (I watched this before Ghostkeeper, and a few other films I couldn't even laugh at) The ending is the worst bit though, although I'll leave you to discover just why I wanted to hunt down whoever wrote the ending just so I could staple their face to a moving train.

Strange: Pilot (2002) Season 1, Episode 0

Turns out Richard Coyle doesn't just lose segments as Jeff

[21 October 2006]

I loved this, sadly short lived series. There were some flaws, of course, Samantha Janus' wooden acting and the bad special effects in many episodes most notable of these, but this didn't ruin the show at all.

Ian Richardson was phenomenal as ever, and I was very impressed by Richard Coyle who almost (but not quite) stood up to Richardson in many a scene, acting wise.

A flawed, but well done, slightly comic series, that reminded one of the X-Files but didn't try to be the X-files, which was a good job in itself.

House of the Dead (2003)

I am ashamed. I cared about one of the characters.

[1/10 · 16 October 2006]

Of course, only the kick-ass captain played by the only competent actor IN this abomination, but still, it's Uwe Boll and my heart fills with shame.

The idea is actually not that dreadful, but I feel I must mention that the idea may be serviceable, the execution of it nothing less than a train wreck created by two nuclear warhead transports right next to Chernobyl.

What hallucinogens does Uwe Boll take I wonder, before he decides to make these films, and what must he take when they are done and he passes them for release? The Characters were 2-d at best (apart from the captain who I wanted to live so badly just so SOME good could come out of this thing) and the dialogue must have been written by someone who had only a vague idea of what human speech was and tried to dictate to a person who only spoke a foreign language. And was deaf.

The fighting was terribly done and I'm sorry but the black girls wrists would have been snapped clean away if she was REALLY firing a desert Eagle with each hand.

Starcrash (1978)

Here I am, champion of the TRUE cinema classics.

[10/10 · 16 October 2006]

Find me someone who doesn't like the Godfather, the Wicker Man, Star Wars, His Girl Friday etc. and I'll show you an idiot who should be cast out of society.

However, these so called "classics" are merely superbly acted, well plotted pieces that can evoke emotion in people and cause them to have a wonderful viewing experience. Who the hell want's THAT? This movie, like Space Mutiny is one of the types of films I dub as "Real classics". Who needs the gorgeous sweeping shots from Lawrence of Arabia when you have David Hasselhoff as a man called "Simon", Christopher Plummer wishing he were as far away from this film as possible rather than in it, coloured stars and space that really ripples in the breeze? Oh, and a spaceship with glass windows.

Not forgetting of course the fact that the spaceship shown on screen has been used in countless other films by the same director. It's a wonder the company that makes them hasn't taken over the universe, Weyland-Yutani style.

Of course, apart from the obvious Star Wars rip-off going on here, one must look at the films merits as a solo piece rather than a super cheap attempted carbon copy, made by a man with only thumbs on his hands, and severe metal retardation. How can you NOT love a script with such classic lines as "You know what I always say: I don't care" (Spoken for the first time in the movie). An alien who's makeup runs dramatically during filming (they never reapply it, he just becomes less green in every shot) and not forgetting the ship with a walk-in wardrobe for the female lead, she has a different costume in practically every scene.

In addition, were the two people in the ship at the start (two of the main characters no less) on crack or something?

Oh, and who could forget the tedious, laboured speech at the end? Sheer genius. Uwe Boll can only look on in envy at this director's total incompetence. Also, not giving too much away, but watch what happens just BEFORE you are introduced to "Simon" and then what happens right AFTER the introductions are made. I'll give you a clue, it's to do with a helmet.

To incompetence, AND BEYOND!

Space Mutiny (1988)

Quite simply one of the greatest movies ever made.

[10/10 · 16 October 2006]

How bad is this movie? Think about how fun it would be to have your eyes sandblasted out of your skull and you're on the right lines.

Ah, but therein lies it's glory. Such a terrible movie as this deserves praise beyond that normally reserved for the humdrum classics like The Godfather, The Wicker Man and Star Wars. Fatastic acting, great plots, sets, music and a gripping cinematic experience? Pah, all these pale when you look at the true horror that is Space Mutiny. Never before has there been a bad guy called Calgon. Only here can you see Santa commanding a space ship made of bricks, and yes, this is the place for the crew of the undead.

I watched this film on it's own and laughed so hard I was in pain. I then watched the MST3K version and was in stitches. Either way this is a true gem of cinema comedy. The best bit, I think is the screaming the hero does. It's random, and totally unexpected (adding surprise twists, the clever director) since he sounds like a woman (or a Bee Gee)when he does so.

So they stole all the special effects from Battlestar Galactica? Who cares. So they make quite incredibly bad editing decisions? So what if the main character can't act to save his life and forgets his lines on no less than three occasions, all of which are left in? As they said on Mystery Science Theatre 3000:

"We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese".

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

I saw a review on Amazon compare Salva to Hitchcock.

[4/10 · 16 October 2006]

Hitchcock? Now, I won't mention Salva's personal issues, because that has no bearing.

I will however mention the fact the Hitchcock was a master of suspense, and in the two of Salva's films I've seen, (the Jeepers Creepers duo) this is lacking. Completely. There's none of it. It may run high in his others but nope, knew what was going to happen.

I sat watching this film and stating what was about to happen all the way through. I wasn't often wrong.

It was mildly entertaining, but total schlock horror, right down to the mediocre acting and the bizarre but predictable ending twist.

Armageddon (1998)

I love Bruce Willis films normally, but...

[6/10 · 11 September 2006]

This is a film that, while not totally dreadful, was certainly dodgy. It attained this by doing several clichéd things and...well.

The actors' hearts aren't in it, the film itself is silly, and there's a far superior version out there (Deep Impact).

Still, this is mildly amusing, I must say. It passes the time, but nothing more. Bad acting, cardboard characters and a ridiculous plot. Then again, it does pass an evening, and the settings and special effects look good. Not the worst film I've seen by a long stretch.

A small afterword. Billy Bob Thornton admitted this was the first film he hated, but did for the money. Think about that one.

The Descent (2005)

Why does everyone love this movie?

[2/10 · 11 September 2006]

I've been racking my brains and I just can't think.

I don't think I can write a totally comprehensive review, because.

1.I can't remember very much, it was that good.

and

2. I found that staring at my hands more interesting than this movie.

What can I say? Let's look at this film from a few angles.

1. Suspense. This is where the film gained one of it's stars. Certainly, there was one moment of suspense I recall, but it was totally ruined by

2. The crap monster things. Albino flesh eaters? Surely you can't go wrong. Actually you can, by making them out of a not very convincing suit and a group of people from the worst acting school around. Or maybe the gutter. Who knows?

3. The lighting. It's a cave, so it's dark. Great. No complaints here. 1 star.

4. The actors. From the Carmen Electra school of horror acting. Doesn't matter if you can't act love, just try to look pretty. Sadly, some of them fail at this as well.

5. The plot. I can't quite work this one out. There's a gang of women, and they go caving....then they get attacked by monsters that weren't explained at all....no, I'm still at a loss I'm afraid.

6. The "scares". I admit it, I jumped once. one of them accidentally kills another one. However, this seemingly good scare is then thrown into utter confusion by the remaining women not trusting the one who ACCIDENTALLY killed her friend. It was a clear accident, the friend crept up on her when they were under attack. Frankly she deserved to die. Otherwise, minimum. As I've said, bad monsters make for no scares.

7. The weird ending....I can't figure THIS one out either. She escapes.....gets to the jeep.....gets in, and the woman who was accidentally killed is there. Bang, it was a dream and she's still in the cave. Fair enough. However then it get's even weirder, with the one survivor looking up and seeing her daughter with a cake....there's no sudden push to get out for the daughter after this, in case you were thinking that, no, the film just ends.... (ADDENDUM) I remembered why there was no push. The daughter was already dead, which in fact makes me even MORE confused (and bored) by this scene.

I was left thinking "What the hell was that?" after I saw this, and waited for the reviews trashing it. Only none came....Most critics loved it, meaning that most critics were on acid when they watched this god-awful piece of schlock.

Ghost Keeper (1981)

Quite possibly the worst film I've ever seen.

[1/10 · 9 September 2006]

This film is poor. VERY poor.

My brother and I got this film going cheap and decided we like Z movies, so why not give it a shot? There's a few very good reasons.

Firstly, the cast cannot act. They can't do surprise, fear, love, hate, or any other expression except the one of a pleading animal in pain that wants to die. They clearly didn't enjoy doing the movie, and the acting is so poor Chuck Norris would have improved this film tremendously, and I'm not a fan of his.

To say the plot was flimsy would be an understatement, and frankly an insult to other flimsily plotted films. It's barely existent, let alone flimsy. There doesn't seem to BE one. Some people who are characterised so little that to call them 2D would be an insult to drawings arrive at an abandoned lodge deep in somewhere with lots of snow for no apparent reason. Some ski holiday or something, because as everyone knows the best ski holidays are in the middle of nowhere so no help can come if you get injured.

What then follows is a shoddily hammered together monstrosity that's only spine tingling in the sense you won't believe someone put money up for this god-awful mess. Then again, all the money seems to have been spent on locations, and the props. These are two elements where the film actually did fairly well. I'd better stop the praise before someone thinks this film might be redeemable and not burn every copy they find.

The people die in exceptionally stupid ways. The worst of which is the woman who dies twice. Yes, that's right, TWICE. Shes drowned in the bath and dragged away, then has her throat cut. She's still alive for the throat cutting of course, because otherwise there'd be no point. Much like the making of this movie....

The Wendigo, which is in fact a not very tall man in one of the worst monster suits I've ever seen (and I watch Doctor Who) is in the film for around thirty seconds, meaning the time spent on his inclusion was oh so worth it, because it wouldn't have made sense to have made this a serial killer film instead.

The ending. Ah, the ending, one might think that when this came I jumped for joy. I didn't. What ACTUALLY happened is I rewound the tape because it ended so suddenly and pointlessly that I couldn't believe my eyes. The very short credits had indeed rolled up as the last survivor sat in a chair sipping a drink. Apparently she became the keeper of the beast, because thats EXACTLY what you would do after all your friends, a mad old woman and her son, and some bloke who owned a shop nearby (this was the only other building shown, there wasn't even any outside his shop)were killed by each other, or in one case apparently going mad and being covered in engine oil.

This film isn't good in any way. It's not so bad it's good. It's not even so bad it's funny. It causes actual physical pain to watch.

Incidentally I have an alternate cover for this film, which shows a South American jungle (it clearly is in South America, what with the ziggurat) and piles of skulls and such, with a large picture of a bad monster (although far better than the one in the movie) that had nothing to do with the film whatsoever. It wasn't even like the film monster was a poor attempt at the box one. It was totally different, as was the setting, seeing as how I know of no jungles of pine trees covered in snow. Maybe I just haven't looked?