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King Dinosaur (1955)
Awful
I didn't believe the rating it because MST3K sheeple rate movies low for no reason. I've seen good movies with abysmal IMDb rating because of fans of MST3K who are completely unable to form opinions, like The Unearthly. And even now, completely agreeing with a score I don't think my reasons are not what made the people score so low. The reasons are mostly nonverbal misogyny and animal cruelty. One of the male doctors is really casually violent with his partner, pushing and pulling for no reason etc. It like transcends the movie and you can feel it's some the actors bottled aggression. There one scene where (again for no reason) he pushes the actor and you can see she bumps her head against the rock and grimaces in very real pain. But the really feel bad stuff is animals. Iguanas and little crocodiles (?) are portraying dinosaurs, and that would be completely fine and funny in an endearing way if they were not put together to fight. Little crocodile twists the iguanas arm for like 720 degrees, doing the legendary crocodile twist. That can not NOT end in broken limbs. Bites also happen. Awful stuff.
N Is a Number: A Portrait of Paul Erdös (1993)
Worse Than Erdos' Sense of Humour
Documentary about Paul Erdos, a Hungarian mathematician and a weirdo with the worst sense of humour ever. It's completely uninformative, but it doesn't strive to be anything more. Awful, awful stuff, almost no redeeming value.
However, there is the bit where he says that he has an abnormality, that he can't stand sexual pleasure, which is highly usable stuff to show the correlation between intelligence and dislike of sex. Also, there was a beautiful scene where we meet some Harvard math professors, a married couple, who provide Erdos with a shelter in the USA. The guy jumps on the trampoline, doing flips and stuff all the while being being dressed like you imagine a math professour being dressed. We see that scene through the basement window, where his Asian waifu and Erdos play ping pong. Glorious scene in this otherwise bad movie.
Made me put the Budapest Anonymus statue on the itinerary for a future Budapest trip.
Foto Háber (1963)
Undergarment Twist Dancing Parties and Microfilm
Unexpectedly fun film, considering it's a crime movie with some action, from the sixties (the worst possible), and also from Hungary, which is not a country of fun movies.
Of course, the most important is the crazy jazz, twist dancing party scene where all the women show their undergarments, and even group sex is implied. Photos on the walls show breasts and even pubic hair, and a lady shows the rim of her stockings in a restaurant, an extremely sexy scene at the moment. The main actress suggests on a couple of occasions she's a really easy lady.
There are not a lot of gadgets, but there is of course a microfilm, and a cool scheme with the arrangement of the photographs in the shop window, by which they code the messages on the photos they give them to develop. The photo resembles a filled crossword puzzle, which means nothing, but when covered with a paper that has cut outs in a pattern of the photos in the shop window, the letters show a code.
End of the Wicked (1999)
Plate of Pasta
People burn and kill children in Nigeria because of the feces the writer Helen Ukpabio put in this movie, and preaches everywhere else. Basically, she says that even children can be witches. Which is nicely seen in scenes where children are teleported in a room of a father of one of them. With brilliant 1999 digital straight to video Nigerian special effect a plate of pasta is created on his back (while he's sleeping) and they eat it. Other stuff like an old lady who can tap her thigh three times and suddenly she has a big cock with which she rapes her daughter-in-law and displays her womb in the witches coven happen.
Most of the theater left and one old man fell asleep. It was boring only on occasion, and I laughed a lot. Copy was pristine as it can be considering what it was, and fortunately it was shown with subtitles, 'cause anyone who ever tried to see an Nigerian movie knows they are hard o understand.
The Strange Case of the End of Civilization as We Know It (1977)
Connie Booth in sexy leather black suit and with a gun.
John Cleese as Sherlock Holmes, actually his grandson, but all the same. The descendant of Professor Moriarty is threating to destroy civilization as we know it. And that's it I guess. John Cleese even irritated me, I was like "Hey pal, why you doing that, to me and to yourself, stop it!" Arthur Lowe as extremely unintelligent Dr. Watson is great. Considering it has not plot, the film should be funny. And it's not, and how it's not! Unbelievably unfunny, it gives the new meaning to unfunny. There's the unfunny so bad it's funny again, there's unfunny so bad that I feel embarrassment, there's unfunny that's irritating. This is weird, no emotion was awaken in me whatsoever. It's so unfunny I think it might be funny in the same unspecified way. There are a couple of racist jokes that are interesting to hear. Maybe a joke or two were regularly funny. The rest is weird. Poirot, James Bond i Columbo have some small screen time also, played by random actor of course. Only things that partially make this movie worthwhile are Arthur Lowe as Dr. Watson and Connie Booth in sexy leather black suit and with a gun.
Season of the Witch (2011)
Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman, Sexy Witch, & A Ramshackle Bridge
Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman are crusaders, super friends, something like Gimli and Legolas. They kill for Jesus until they figure out they killed a whole town of women and children. They desert, come to a town struck with plague, get arrested. Christopher Lee as the sick cardinal gives them a redemption task to take the supposed witch who is to blame for the plague to a far off monastery where the monks have spells to end it all. Already a perfect movie, right? On the way they tackle challenges like crossing a ramshackle bridge and fighting off a pack of angry wolves. I wanted their travel never to end, I loved it. The no homo chemistry between Nicolas Cage and Ron Perlman is brilliant, but there's no the so characteristic for the new movies bullshit where they hint about their adventure, laugh about it but we don't know what they're talking about. Their guide is played by Stephen Graham (Tommy from Snatch and one of the skinheads from This Is England), a the witch is superhot. I like the subtle sexual implications in the dialogues. The only thing that sucks was the ending, partly because of the CGI. But all in all an old school adventure, I like it, humour, action, adventure. I mean how can Dominic Sena not make a film with a heart after making Gone in 60 Seconds. I watched it in a theater, and the movie is so fun I didn't mind the retards behind me, bunch of arrogant kids in front of me and and a bunch of easily scared jailbaits at my side.
Der müde Tod (1921)
Flying Carpets and Transfiguration Spells
Watched it on the big screen, big happiness. I expected music, but there was none, was watching it in complete silence except for the humming of the projector. And the mumbles of the old guy who talked to himself. It was a little unusual at first, but perfect and beautiful. Death takes the life of a young man, and his girl goes to heaven hell limbo whatever and there gets three chances to save his life, saving either one of three lives. Every one of these stories is set in a different historic age and that tickled my love for the costumed period pieces. First part is the 1001 Night Persia with some impressive action sequences, second is the renaissance Venice, the least interesting or innovative part of the film, and the third is the ancient China, a comic segment with innocent racist depiction of Chinese people, perfect special effects, flying carpet, miniature army, biggest sword ever and transfiguration spells. The closing sequence is somewhat intense. Sets are not as artistic as in Caligari, but more than in Nosferatu. To compare it with two other German expressionist films I watched. Special effects are impressive, better then in some films made even 40 years later. Bernhard Goetzke (Death) is brilliant, so scary, charismatic, constant. The girl is tepid, no skill nor sex appeal.
Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1984)
Breasts in a PG Movie
Aliens come in a space ship shaped like a V shaped guitar, in search of goof rock. That rock is actually gay Pia Zadora 80s pop, but hey. The come in a high school in a little city named Speelburgh, and there the main alien is in love with the main pussy (Pia Zadora). However, he has the coolest rockabilly boyfriend (Craig Sheffer, also a gang leader in The Road Killers) which is the best high school gang leader I ever saw on film. Aliens are looking for trouble, and he's gonna kick their ass. Perfect musical almost plot less. High school gangs, choreography with lowered panties, tits in a PG movie, robot alien who turns into a fire hydrant, aliens who don't fit in, rockabilly vs. gay rock battle of the bands Run DMC vs. Aerosmith style, Craig Sheffer too cool too be true, monster from the local radioactive lake, Michael Berryman (Pluto from The Hills Have Eyes) as a lunatic escaped from the local asylum rampaging around school with a chainsaw, but he's actually nice and hooks up with the school's sexy female greasemonkey, silly and lovable songs and choreography, perfect clothes, especially female, crew members being turned into people from toys via a machine, everything and all. Great movie.
Night Monster (1942)
Best Mist Ever
Universal horror with Bela Lugosi playing a butler. He was always random to me, but I think I'm starting to like him. Mysterious murders are happening in a castle, the people get strangled, but there's a pool of blood near them. The big castlehouse is in a swamp. Best mist effect ever, pretty creepy. In the house live: paralyzed rich owner, his daughter who is treated by everyone like she's nuts but she might not be, always suspicious servants, while their guests are the tree doctors who saved and paralyzed the owner, the female psychiatrist invited by the daughter, horror story writer and later on a very charismatic and dryly humorous detective. But the most important guest is a mysterious Indian mystic played by the very handsome and charismatic actor Nils Asther, who can control matter on a cosmic particle level and materialize stuff like that. Supernatural whodunit. One maybe knows toward the end who did it, but not how. Alfred Hitchcock liked this movie a lot supposedly. The actors are all good, the atmosphere is good, never boring, shadow play is sometimes very good, always good and effective. the house interior is cool as it is. Of the actors I especially liked Ralph Morgan as the owner, Don Porter as the writer Dick Baldwin (it's funny because all Baldwins are dicks) i Nils Asther as Agor Singh. The latter is cool as he is, handsome, Porter is not really likable at first hand, but he's charming. Great film to watch at 2 am slightly drunk.
Thundarr the Barbarian: Secret of the Black Pearl (1980)
Collapsed Twin Towers
Thundarr and the gang are supposed to bring the mighty black pearl somewhere so that the men people can be mighty again and resist evil Groundlings, the rat people. They fight rat people who drive motorcycles (or as Thundarr says motorsteeds) and have laser guns, medieval looking knights also with laser guns. When the rats fail, the wizard Gemini comes and makes the fallen Statue of Liberty alive, and it shoots flames from the torch. Epic fight. Ookla throes cars, breaks helicopters, falls from the top of the Statue of Liberty without being hurt. Ariel makes magic bridges and gets imprisoned. Cool first episode. There's also one scene of collapsed Twin Towers. Funny stuff.
Caltiki il mostro immortale (1959)
Flamethrower Armed Tanks vs. The Blob
Italian blob horror science fiction. Unfortunately I had a bad full screen copy, but it was great nevertheless. Based on a Mexican legend, Caltiki is a Mayan goddess who has sex with a creature from the sky. Here it's nicely put in the sf, where Caltiki is a twenty million years old giant one cell organism, and the creature in the sky is a meteor whose radiation is making it grow. It has everything, sexy dances of hot Mexican girls, gory scenes of faces and hands barred to the bone by acid, underwater scenes with skeletons and Indian treasure, explosions, 50s computers which calculate age of anything. Furthermore, our hero, played pretty good by British theater actor John Merivale, while hurrying home to save his wife and child from the ever growing blob gets arrested for speeding and has to escape from jail. At the end it's flamethrower armed tanks vs. the blob. All that in 70 minutes, so it's not your average slow 50s American science fiction horror, it's fast paced and never boring. But it's nicely shot also, and that's no wonder since the main photographer, and allegedly de facto director, is Mario Bava. Daniela Rocca is extra hot. Really fun, fast paced, smart camera.
Behemoth (2011)
Not Anything Like In Heroes of Might and Magic III
First of all people gotta know that behemoth here doesn't look anything like behemoth in Heroes of Might and Magic III. One would think that is the definitive and cannon imagining of him. Here, he's a huge monster living under the whole Earth core, and he looks krakeny, only with a head of a fugly prehistoric bird. Like some other SyFy movies, the theme is ecological. Last year it was Wyvern being freed from the polar ice because of the global warming, this year behemoth is here to destroy the civilization cause people are bad to the planet. Ecology plus 2012. Actuality! We are being warned about this by the father of our hero, who is according to everyone crazy, but we don't really see it, and who is played by the cigarette smoking man from X Files. Our hero has a sister too old as his daughter might be, stubborn and half doable. His old love is here too being a geologist and wearing her shirt unbuttoned letting us see her lace underwear, and of course being sent to investigate weird seismological happenings. Atmosphere is OK, north north American half Northern Exposure, and they are constantly outdoors, which is generally great in SyFy movies, they're not constantly in boring headquarters and labs. It's a fun movie, but the production is better than usual with decant effects. But still when the behemoth shuts his mouth, the sound is that of hood being shut. Our hero is to phlegmatic and static. There was a scene of a proposal, and my eyes teared. Cool movie, big tentacles, earthquakes, monsters, random half black pussy Jessica Parker Kennedy.
The Unearthly (1957)
Tor Johnson Wearing Sandals
Mystery Science Theater 3000 is so irritating. First they make fun of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians which is a cute children's movie, now they make fun of this decent mad scientist flick. And the mad scientist is John Carradine weighting 30 kilos i being absolutely brilliant. What a charisma, seems to run in the family. He steals the screen, conquers it. His mad goal is eternal life, and he tests stuff on the inhabitants of his psychiatric clinic, putting the 17th gland in them which moves and is all sinister. Being evil but sophisticated, he plays Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor during a peaceful dinner. Besides that, if there was a operation race, he'd won it. He's the fastest. His derp operating is even funnier if you know that his father was a surgeon. Son, I am disappoint. Out halfhero is a guy with the most western face ever, Myron Healey. later I found out that he mostly did play westerns, and it's no wonder. Broads are hot, one is a famous B movie actress Allison Hayes, the other two were Miss America and Playboy's Playmate of the Month. Also in it is Tor Johnson, wearing sandals, the huge guy from Plan 9 from Outer Space. He was a dwarf before Carradine pimped his pituitary, and now he's the biggest. Great film, extra fun, I sincerely laughed out loud couple of times.
Topper (1937)
Feet Driving, Alcoholism and Molesting Strangers
Honestly, I never liked Cary Grant, but it's an old comedy with ghosts, has wacky silly potential, I expected slapstick because I don't know what screwball comedy is. If this is top of screwball comedy, than it sucks. Let's be realistic, it's not funny. The couple, they drive cars with feet, they sing when they shouldn't, they sleep in the middle of the road, the are assholes. And they find this poor Topper who's not living his life with anal prolapse, so they make him drink and molest random people. Cary Grant is uglier, less lovable and more irritating than later on when he's older. Topper's wife, one of the main reasons for his boring life, is played by Billie Burke, who played the good witch Glinda destroying singlehandedly the ending of Wizard of Oz, looking so unpleasant. But she's better here. Constance Bennett is cutely quirky. But Roland Young as Topper was great and fitting for the role. Funny intonation, funny stance, everything. I think I don't like the movie, but it might be one of those movies which need a while. And how irritating is that they can touch people and stuff, but people don't bump into them, suddenly no one can touch them even of they go through the space which they occupy. Also, she drinks chocolate soda. What's that?
Furry Vengeance (2010)
A Raccoon Urinating on Brendan Fraser
My little sister bought it on DVD for like no money, so we watched. And both hated it. Features Brendan Fraser being urinated on by a raccoon while holding his one fist in his mouth and being beaten with the other. Features Brendan Fraser fat as copulation wearing a bra and covering himself in tomato feces sauce. The movie could be funny, animals attacking, funny. But it's not. Only good things were Ken Jeong cause he's funny and Brooke Shields cause I'd tap that ass. And the son, Matt Prokop, he's so annoying, I'd stomp his face. You know he's the character every new family movie has - the annoying rebellious son. Only he's little too old for that, so it's even more pathetic.
Dark Waters (1944)
Review
It's Gothic triller horror rather than film noir. The horror is not supernatural, it's psychological torture. Swamp setting! The main chick Merle Oberton is obviously of some indoasiancaucasian descent and is really repulsive and antipathetic, and is pretty much the only problem of this movie, besides the mystery being resolved too soon. What I loved the best was the character actor Elisha Cook (The Killing, Maltese Faclon, Salem's Lot). Brilliant guy. The atmosphere is unnerving and unsettling, pretty scary somewhat. The usage of the house interior is sometimes pretty good while the usage of swamp exterior could've been better. A how should this movie not be good when it's directed by the guy wearing an eye patch?
The Walking Dead: Vatos (2010)
Elderly home protecting Latino gang
Really? Elderly home protecting Latino gang. I couldn't believe they did that. But at least that was fun, what can't be said for the rest of the episode. And how predictable was it that they got attacked? They were in tent. If Will Smith can survive in a house, so can they. I mean not that I care, the characters are awful, anybody can die for all I care except Laurie Holden, she's sexy.
And yes, they van was stolen. And couple of episodes back one of them hot-wired that sports car. Can they do it again? There are cars around, zombie can't drive. No, not zombies, sorry, walkers, because if we call them something else, not zombies, then this will not be another zombie series, it will be something new, something wild.