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TheSnerd
Reviews
Daredevil (2003)
Maybe I would have liked it if I hadn't read the comic.
Overstock.com had it on sale for three bucks so I went for it. Of course, I am pretty sure that it was one of those "I'm trashed and it's 4am, let's shop on the internet" purchases. I am still trying to figure out if I was ripped off or not. I could have bought a couple of tacos with that money, you know! Since the end result of tacos or Daredevil work out to be pretty much the same, I guess can't complain. I wish I could cue up the sound of a toilet flushing to drive my point home a little more.
I like to get the quick and easy comments out of the way so I'll start with the good:
Colin Farrell was funny as Bullseye and I liked the Kingpin. OK! That was fun. Let's move on to the bad stuff:
It is best viewed with the mute button on. EvanohdearlordIhatethemance had, not one, but TWO songs that played in parts of the movie that were highly inappropriate. That band makes me want to rip my ears off and eat them as it is. Mix them in with Affleck, in a red leather suit, and you have 57 flavors of wrong. The poor choices in film scoring made what could have been a dramatic and touching scene, comical and painful. SPOILER ALERT!!!! I should not have been giggling and pointing at the television during the scenes where people died. Thank you very little, you annoying band that I can't stand (or spell). Actually, I really shouldn't blame the band, too much. The movie would have sucked with a proper film score.
I knew that Affleck would be horrible, so that didn't surprise me at all. Sadly, he spit out lines, at times, that made him sound like a melodramatic version of the Tick (the animated one). "JUSTICE! ROAR!" All I needed was for Arthur to show up and I would have felt complete. Matt Damon could have made a cameo as Arthur. OK, I just freaked myself out with that mental imagery. Moving on.
As for Elektra, she bored me to tears with the exception of one scene: When she beat the snot out of a bunch of sandbags in an attempt to dramatically train for revenge, I thought I was going to die. I was laughing so hard that it felt like my spleen was going to eject itself from my body. Do not ask me what that means. Spleen ejecting is some serious stuff. Do not attempt it. Don't give in to the madness.
I digress.
Back to the scene that would have embarrassed William Shatner: I blame the director for that one. It was sloppy and pathetic. Actually, THAT would have been the time to play that damned EvanIstillhatethemence song. Either one would have worked. Wait, maybe they were playing them. I had the mute button on, in full effect, at that point.
If you like Frank Miller's version of Daredevil, avoid this tripe at all costs. How hard would it have been to make a decent movie out of this? He had the groundwork all laid out in the comic book.
I would review the rest of the movie, but I have to go find my spleen.
Cold Creek Manor (2003)
Cold Creek Morons (Spoilers Abound)
It came on whatever damned channel I had the TV on and I decided to start watching it. Sadly, no amount of therapy will be able to correct that grievous error on my part.
I am still awake, desperately trying to find a way to rationalize that complete waste of 2 hours and 5 minutes of my life. I think I would have felt better about all of this if someone had put a gun to my head and forced me to watch this tripe. Of course, I would have opted for the bullet, but I think my captor would have ended their own life before they got around to putting me out of my misery. This is to be a warning to anyone else who may accidentally watch it.
DON'T DO IT!
here there be spoilers
Actually...the whole movie is a damned spoiler. Nothing is a surprise. OK, one scene is a surprise. The whole family gets surprised by snakes, at the same time, in different rooms of this huge mansion. Now, if this had been the supernatural thriller that the trailers had led you to believe it was, this would be OK. THIS ISN'T A SUPERNATURAL THRILLER! It's about a psycho redneck that had already slaughtered his family and decided that he didn't want the evil city folk to live in "his" house. That psycho redneck planted the snakes in the house, at least, a few hours before the crazed snake attack!
The snakes must have all worn synchronized watches and planned this thing out. The snakes also must have flew in some snake friends from other countries because many of them aren't from around here, boy. THOSE WACKY SNAKES! The scene was supposed to be scary. It was pure comic gold. Another reviewer mentions something about Dennis Quaid screaming like a little girl. The thing I love the most, is the fact that they all ran to the roof instead of out the front door. Why?
There are too many ludicrous scenes to break down for you, so I'll skip to the end. The climactic battle that leads to the "city folk" killing the evil redneck is so effing ridiculous... GAH! My brain crawled out of my head and slapped me around until the credits quit rolling. My brain was BULLS**T over that nonsense. I can't even describe it.
To hell with it. I'll try anyway. Basically, Bumpkin Boy was all set to cave in the skulls of the Evil City People, hammer styles, when suddenly,they trapped him with a rope! It wasn't even around his neck. He had more room than the three of them, combined, to get out of it. Hell, you could tell that he was HOLDING ON TO THE ROPE TO KEEP FROM SLIPPING OUT.
It was at that point that my brain started beating the snot out of the rest of me.
They didn't even strangle him to death. They took some time to nod at each other and proceeded to scream "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" as they broke the glass and...
Oh hell. I can't even type the ending. My brain just found a knife. It's had enough.
I still don't think I am properly conveying the true level of "suck" that this movie possesses. I'll try it with a visual:
>>>>>>>--------<<<<<<<<
See that? That has more depth than Cold Creek Manor.
It is a demon film.
If you want to experience Cold Creek Manor without having the displeasure of watching it, you could always stare at a blade of grass whilst slapping yourself in the face with a bag of wet mice for 2 hours and 5 minutes. No matter what you do, it will still be better than Cold Creek Manor was.
Don't see it. Not even the synchronized snake attack scene is worth it.