killerreviewscom Reviews

The Room (I) (2006)

The Room delivers and it's good!

[8/10 · 17 September 2006]

I should probably start by saying that I knew very little about this film going in. I knew that there was a family and in their home was a mysterious door that remained locked at all times.... just like the bedroom door in my house... So I threw the DVD in with bated breath and within minutes, I was as comfortable as Fred Krueger during a coffee shortage. Why? Because the film opens with a kick-ass steady cam shot that moves through the house introducing all of our main characters and the rooms they'll be playing in. All in one take! Yep. I knew I was in good hands, and it only gets better, people.

It's hard to talk about the plot of THE ROOM, because it's all about what you don't know; however, I can give you a little something to chew on. I mentioned the door, but what I didn't tell you is that it appears out of nowhere. All the characters and the audience know is that it wasn't there five minutes ago, it's locked and nearly every square inch has letters carved into it… Now this dysfunctional family must solve the mystery of the door before they end up killing each other. (Yes, they're not the happiest group of people and there's a crap load of stuff going on with them, but we need to leave it at that.)

If you know me by now, then you know that my favorite films are usually written and directed by the same filmmaker, as it is in this case. When one person shoulders the task of bringing their own material to life, you almost always get that "magic" that is otherwise hard to accomplish, and by "magic" I mean a clear vision for the material. Writer/director Giles Daoust proves once again that my theory is correct. THE ROOM has that unique stamp of somebody who knows exactly what kind of story he wants to tell. One example: when we view flashbacks in the story, every color is stripped from the film with the exception of red. When we see this color scheme we know we are in the past. That's just one M&M in a king size bag of originality. (Huh?? Well, okay… it sounded good to me!)

The script is exceptional, but from the beginning it doesn't take a NASA scientist to figure out that THE ROOM is more of a thriller then a straight horror movie. I'm not even sure if it's a thriller - maybe a drama? Aww, screw it; it's a little of everything, I suppose. But let's talk about that cast. No joke here people, this film contains some incredible acting and great characters. I was drawn to two of them, especially – mainly because of the actors themselves. The first being Melinda, played by Caroline Veyt. Not only can Caroline act amazingly well, but she is beautiful, sexy and most intriguing. Her eyes are so striking, they practically jump off the screen at you. The kind of eyes that you want to cut out, and wear on a chain around your neck. Very intriguing girl, that Caroline.

The other is Max, played by Philippe Résimont. He's a frustrated composer who is clearly ticked off at the world because things have never gone his way. He can't sell a piece of music to save his life; he despises his mentally challenged son; he hates his daughter because she's pregnant and won't divulge the father's name, and is basically disgusted by his wife 24/7. Yep, he has a few problems. But what makes him so interesting to me is that you never know what he's going to do. One minute he's cracking jokes, usually at the most inappropriate times (genuinely funny jokes though) and then the next minute he's hitting his wife in the face. Nice! You never know what to expect from him, or the shifting dynamic of this group of characters.

The last point I want to make is about the door itself and the 'alternate reality' associated with it. Obviously, the idea of a door appearing from thin air is completely impossible, but I still found myself engrossed in the situation and story. I would have bet all the money in the world that the door really existed and I think this is attributed to Giles' deadly serious approach to the material. The whole film relies on the believability of these characters and the situation they're in, and if you're not invested in it right from the start, then the film goes completely to crap. Every element of film-making here - from the set design to the music - is excellent, making it work as well as it does. I also had to know what the hell was behind that door. What could it be? Eventually we get the answer and it IS horrifying. Good pay off there.

You can probably tell I enjoyed this very much. It's not often when I experience something as completely original. If you enjoy atmosphere, great characters and cool imagery then this one's a must-see. But remember, THE ROOM is far from being your traditional horror movie, so if that's what you're looking for you've come to the wrong room. Uh, I mean place.

The 8th Plague (2006)

Definitely worth your time!

[8/10 · 17 September 2006]

Okay, so there are only about two things in this world that get me hot. One: the sound my XBOX 360 makes when it starts up, and the second: an attractive girl covered in blood, carrying a large red fire axe. Yep, that about does it for me. Seeing how the poster of THE 8th PLAGUE depicts one of these magical properties, I was more then pleased when asked to review the film.

THE 8th PLAGUE is about a girl with gorgeous green eyes named Launa who heads out to the town of Halcyon Springs with a few others, to look for her missing sister, Nikki. Launa and the gang quickly team up with local police officer, Buck, and the mysterious Mason (D.J. Perry), another local. Shortly afterward, they come across the deteriorating Halcyon Ridge Correctional Facility, where the majority of the film plays out. It's on this hallowed ground where our heroes learn that the 'curse of The 8th Plague' is still very much alive. What's the curse you ask? Watch the freaking movie! Jeeeeeez!

So watching THE 8th PLAGUE, at first I found that everything was pretty much business-as-usual. Nothing was overly impressive, but nothing outright sucked, either. The majority of the first act is spent following Launa and her friends as previously described. We are treated to a few creepy sequences but for the most part, it's straight-ahead story development. Some people will like this and some won't; my feelings were somewhere in between. The music and cinematography were great, but even then I found myself a tad bored at times. I think the problem was that I didn't care much for Launa and company. A simple scene showing them hanging out laughing together would have helped. A few jokes, perhaps?

Once the gang runs into Mason, (a.k.a. the mysterious local who knows a thing or two about a thing or two) that's the key plot point of the whole movie. It's an important moment because a) D.J. Perry comes into the picture and he's damn fun to watch, and b) the almighty red axe is introduced! From this point on, when they head out to the abandoned Correctional Facility, is where the film begins to earn its gold stars. Once inside, most of the 'Scooby-Doo crew' decide to look around, except for Crystal (Hollis Zemany) who decides that she wants to screw her dorky boyfriend and quickly strips down. ("Mmmmm….gratuitous sex…." Homer Simpson moans.) While the scene felt completely out of place in such a serious film, it was still a treat to watch. The girl's got some good lookin' stems, nice stomach and boobies to die for. We thank you Hollis, from the bottom of our skeevy little hearts!

But where THE 8th PLAGUE truly shines is in the gore and special effects department. One of my favorite scenes is when one unfortunate demon takes an axe to the mouth. It was very well-done considering the budget, but even in a mega-budget film it would be pretty damn impressive. I mean, during the final twenty minutes of the film it's as if everyone's taken a blood bath, literally. Main characters are dying left and right, the plague is working overtime, people are cutting their eyes out, pools of blood the size of small lakes are forming everywhere. It's pretty insane! Even my wife couldn't watch it anymore, and she eats racks of raw meat for breakfast! The final minute is pretty cool, too. (Do I smell a sequel? Oh, no… that's just puke on my shirt from last night. Damn Playboy Mansion parties!)

The only real complaints I have with this film were with the pacing, a few sketchy acting moments from the supporting cast and some of the production values. I love that artists today can make films reasonably cheap because of technology, but I find it nearly impossible to invest on an emotional level when dealing with digital cinematography. I'm just constantly reminded that I'm watching a movie. That's the format's main downfall; nearly impossible to ignore. With that being said, the filmmakers did a great job with what they had. I don't think the film could have looked or sounded any better. To die-hard horror fans like us, this is nothing new, anyway. At this point, half the stuff coming out now is shot with the more affordable digital format, which I support one-hundred percent.

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by THE 8th PLAGUE. I think it's a solid first feature for director Franklin Guerrero Jr. and crew, so much so that I would easily check out his next project based on the quality of this one. If you happen to stumble across it at your local video store, it's definitely worth picking up. I give you my guarantee that it's better then most other flicks you'll find dominating the middle shelf.

Machined (2006 Video)

Dark, edgy and bleeds atmosphere!

[7/10 · 9 September 2006]

It was probably a year ago when I first heard about Craig McMahon's MACHINED, and I gotta tell you - I was instantly intrigued. There's just something about a creature being part-man and part-machine that runs around slaughtering people. That and plus the poster art looked damn cool. So eventually I found a good time for viewing it, in the dark, no distractions and I was pretty impressed. There are not many films like MACHINED, I can promise you that! This tale is about a big, fat, hairy guy who goes by the name of 'Motorman Dan', who has a few personal problems. For one: he likes to jerk off while reading about serial killers; two: he dreams of having a "pet" serial killer of his own, and three: well, he's fat… So eventually, Dan accidentally runs over a young man named Ryan, (Jose Rosete), who was trying to flag him down for a ride at the time. Oops…Dan's bad. Oh, well, it's all good; more body parts for his dream "killing machine". After Dan adds the final touches to his creation, he lets it loose all over town, (that being his garage). One problem… Ryan has a few friends, who along with his sister Angela are determined to find out what happened to the unlucky young fellow.

MACHINED succeeds in many ways, atmosphere being one of them. Honestly, they nailed it so well (pun intended) I felt like I was right there in the grungy garage of horrors with the robotic killing machine, fat Dan himself and of course, his hairy back. I think director Craig McMahon accomplishes this by keeping the film very dark, both in tone and the impressive camera work. I don't think there's one shot even hinting at sunlight. It also helps that there are many first perspective shots in the film.

The sound design is second on the list of well-used elements. The effects were awesome, most of them coming from the killing machine itself. It's very interesting how McMahon combines the score with the sound effects. At times when the machine is walking around you can hear the nuts and bolts squeaking, but eventually those sounds become part of the score, which is insanely cool.

Now for the first negative aspect: the acting. For the most part the cast does a descent job, but there were definitely a few spotty moments. Our lead actor, Patti Tindall, who plays Angela, does a descent job…but I would have liked her to have been a little more realistic with her reactions. I mean, here she is fighting her brother who is now a robotic killing machine, and she acts as if she deals with this crap everyday. Maybe downplaying her emotions was a directorial choice, but it didn't work for me. My favorite cast member overall was David C. Hayes, who plays 'Motorman Dan'. He was rather brave with his choices and definitely comes across as being the most charismatic of the bunch. Now if he would just take a lawn mower to his back, we'd be all set. He'd probably make more money selling his back hair then he got for acting in the film. There's also one pretty bad apple in the cast, but I won't name names. See if you can guess who it is… The second element that didn't rock my boat was the characters. I'm not sure if it was because of weak performances (at times), the way they were written or the lack of realism that shooting with digital video sometimes displays, but I wasn't emotionally invested in them. During the finale, when Angela is going head-to-head with what's left of her brother, I could have cared less who won. I'm guessing that's not a good thing.

Overall, I found MACHINED to be problematic at times, but it's definitely interesting and I'm damn glad I experienced it. Notice how I said "experienced it?" I say that because it's such an odd and unique film. I would recommend you check it out, but just don't go in expecting greatness. Keep in mind that it's pretty much a better-than-average independent film and you'll be in for a solid ninety minutes.

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Probably the most fun you'll have in a theater this summer.

[9/10 · 19 August 2006]

Not since the days of the Blair Witch has a film circulated the internet and generated an amount of buzz that would put any well thought out marketing campaign to shame. Honest to God, the night before going into this picture I was dreaming about snakes: snakes on Myspace.com, snakes on Movies.com, snakes on Attack of the Show, the big snake in my pants, snakes freaking everywhere. True story - while waiting in line at the theater I overheard someone saying that they hadn't even heard of the film. Out of sheer bewilderment I turned to see a young woman with no eyeballs or ears. Oh, OK. That makes sense now. Joking aside, I was rather worried going in to this one because of all the hype. I mean could SNAKES seriously be that good? You bet your ass it can. SNAKES ON A PLANE delivers, delivers and then delivers some more.

This slithery flick, starring Samuel (one of the coolest actors of our time) Jackson is about um… snakes on a plane. See, a young man by the name of Sean Jones (Nathan Phillips) witnessed a horrific murder and agrees to testify against the notorious Eddie Kim (Byron Lawson). However, Mr. Kim has plans of his own. The surly criminal pulls a few strings and it's these strings that manage to fill the two story aircraft with poisonous snakes. Snakes that are so jacked up on pheromones that they'll attack a chair if it's in their way. Now Samuel, his key witness, a couple of sexy stewardesses and a plethora of passengers must try to survive the remaining four hours of the flight.

OK, so before we get into the movie I just want to give props to Director Davis E. Ellis and the people at New Line Cinema. The buzz started early with this picture, mostly due to the quirky title I imagine, because of this they went back and jacked up the nudity and gore in the film. They actually went and shot more footage to achieve an R rating. Sweet! Now if you don't know, eighty percent (guessing on that one) of studios pull out sequences to avoid receiving an R rating. Why, because of the money train baby. What Ellis and others did is a rarity in Hollywood. I mean ultimately it makes them more money because the film will live longer then opening weekend, but not many studios realize or maybe agree with that theory. So thanks guys! Thanks for caring about the films core audience as much as you did, or do. You rock! Where SNAKES ON A PLANE truly shines is when the snakes get loose on the plane, big surprise right? We spend about twenty minutes setting up the plot and dilly-dallying with the supporting cast, but once that's over and the snakes get loose it's freaking great. The first victim is a big breasted blond that goes down after receiving a fatal bite directly to her exposed nipple. Nice! Shortly after the snakes are everywhere and it's total chaos. The plane is losing control, people are running around screaming, snakes are swarming the floors and falling from the ceiling, luggage is bouncing everywhere while the lights are flickering on and off. It's complete chaos.

The sequence is rather long too, but in a good way. It's obvious that the writers/director took their time coming up with cool bits. I don't think twenty seconds went by where I wasn't either: laughing, squirming in my seat or simply saying "wow! That was really cool." Once that sequence commences it's only a matter of time until the next one. The film is really balls to the walls from beginning to end.

Elements like casting, music, directing and cinematography all work well, but I think everything boils down to the tone of the film. SNAKES ON A PLANE is a really fun movie, a smashing good time if you will.. I can't say that enough. We have hundreds of poisonous snakes infesting a plane, really cool snake bite effects - like swollen arms and puss filled faces, Samuel L. Jackson spitting out totally awesome one liners, a huge airplane that's about to go down at any minute and to top it all off, a big set of luscious naked tits. Yummy! Overall, out of all the films I've seen during this blockbuster season SNAKES ON A PLANE has to be one of the most satisfying flicks of them all. It's the most fun I've had with a horror movie in years. So yeah, I highly recommend this movie to everyone, even those with no eyeballs or ears. SNAKES ON A PLANE is must see entertainment.

Masters of Horror: Sick Girl (2006) Season 1, Episode 10

Misty Mundae, Lucky McKee and a giant insect. Yep, I'm in!

[8/10 · 8 August 2006]

Out of all the episodes in the first season of MASTERS OF HORROR, I was looking forward to SICK GIRL the most, with Takashi Miike's IMPRINT a close second. I was interested in this bug-infested tale because of just that: it involves bugs. My second reason is because Lucky McKee parked his keester in the director's chair. After weeks/months of waiting the DVD finally came in and I felt a celebration of sorts was on order. So I cracked a beer, popped some popcorn, sprinkled lives insects on the popcorn and threw in the DVD. Pure Nirvana! SICK GIRL is about a lab geek by the name of Ida Teeter, played by the always-interesting Angela Bettis. Ida's problem is that she can't score a date to save her life. Why do you ask? Because the chick has more bugs in her apartment then a caveman has in his pubic hair. She works with bugs all day long and then ventures home to play with them some more. Hmmm… sounds like a real winner! Sooner than later Ida meets up with the beautiful Misty Falls (Erin Brown) and they quickly fall in love and move in together. Yes, our main characters are lesbians. I know. Could it get ANY better? One thing I haven't mentioned though. A rather large insect, new to Ida's collection has escaped and is running rampant around the apartment, eventually biting one of the girls. I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.

So let's talk about Angela Bettis. After viewing Lucky McKee's MAY, which was released on DVD last year, I quickly became interested in Angela. She's a very unique (quirky) actress, which meshes great with Lucky's directing style. Angela is the kind of actress who could pull off a monologue about dissecting an apple and it would not only be interesting but funny too. She was a real asset to SICK GIRL. I'm still trying to figure out what happened with THE TOOLBOX MURDERS remake (also starring Angela) but I don't think even a busload of teenage lesbians could have saved that film.

As you know, I enjoy attractive women in movies and if they're kissing other attractive women then that's even better. Erin Brown, who plays opposite Angela, is very cute and gets very naked - awesome tummy on this girl! The kind of tummy that you'd want hatch spider eggs on. Ewww… so as you can tell by my ramblings, this film had a few things going in the right direction for me. Bugs and girls: man, do I love that combo.

I liked the story too. I thought the pacing was good and even though there was a lot time invested in the relationship between Ida and Misty, I found the performances and dialogue to be interesting enough to sit through. Because let me tell you, there is far more talking in SICK GIRL then there is chopping. Nothing "major" even happens until the final five minutes of the film. But that's cool because it's really all about the build. Like I said, it's very nicely paced. Lucky's off-beat directing style always keeps things interesting.

As far as elements of SICK GIRL that I didn't like, well, I really don't think I have any. I enjoyed the characters, their dialogue, the special effects are awesome, the music is cool and the cinematography looks great. It's all very well done. Nothing will blow your socks off, but I don't really think that's what MASTERS OF HORROR is all about.

Overall, what more could you possibly want? I mean you've got hot lesbian lovers, creepy slimy insects, naked titties, K&B special effects and Lucky McKee directing. If you're looking for a hardcore horror epic where intestines hit the floor every fifteen minutes, or a story with a twist ending that will knock the hair off your balls then this isn't it. It's a cool, slick little one-hour film. If you're at all intrigued then I highly recommend you check it out. There a lot

The Descent (2005)

Neil Marshall Has Made a Horror Masterpiece

[10/10 · 8 August 2006]

I first became aware of THE DESCENT back in late 2005, during its successful voyage through the festival circuit. Because of the buzz surrounding the film, I scoured the internet for any news I could find, like a rabid zombie feeling the burning hunger that only fresh meat can satisfy. Eventually, the trailer hit and the announcement of the theatrical release date shortly afterward. To say that I was like a kid of Christmas would be an understatement. I honestly don't remember the last time I was this giddy about a seeing movie. Was it dangerous to build up my expectations like that? Probably, but I was confident enough in the material to do so. August 4th, 2006 - that burning hunger finally subsided.

This instant horror classic is about a group of girls who reunite one year later after a tragic accident, for a caving expedition. Geared up and more energetic then a group of druids at a D&D convention, they descend into the cave. Smashing good times ahead, ladies! Unfortunately, before the girls can start making out with one another, something goes horribly wrong and their entry point is suddenly blocked, forcing them to find another way out. With limited battery power and supplies, they are now in a race against time. And to make matters even worse, there are others things in the caves besides themselves. (And no – they're not Oompa-Loompas!) Oddly enough, my favorite element of THE DESCENT was not the girls, nor the creatures they encounter, but the cave itself. The cave to me was like the water in JAWS. I don't like the ocean because I can't see what's below the water. I don't like caves because of the tight spaces. I'm not the type of person who pisses themselves when being confined in small tight spaces, but I don't enjoy it - that's for sure. With that being said, allow to describe one of the most unnerving sequences in the film for me. No, it's cool! No major spoilers here, I promise.

Once the girls have all repelled into the cavern, one of them immediately maps out their next route. After considering a few options, she decides on a path and starts her way through. With only the light from her head gear, we watch her scuffle through several gaps which are decreasing in size. She's been doing this for twenty seconds and my stomach is already turning. She then proceeds into an even smaller space, squirming around, bending her body to fit through the tunnel. My stomach turns again. She then precedes into yet another section of the tunnel which is even smaller. Barf! To put this into perspective, you would have a hard time placing a pencil between her shoulders and the walls. I honestly couldn't take it. Just as I was about to exit the theater for a two minute break she ended up finding the next room. Thank God! So yeah, I've rarely ever dealt with scenes of emotional intensity like that during a movie before. Very nerve-wracking and very cool! I also enjoyed Neil Marshall's story. I mean talk about a tight script! The characters, story, dialogue and pacing are all exceptionally well thought out. You know how a movie sometimes has that great scene that everyone talks about? Well, this flick has about seven of those. I can think four sequences right now that were truly bothersome to me. They're memorable because you care about these girls and some seriously bad stuff happens to them. It's just unforgiving at times. Good twists, too. I was constantly surprised by some of the story choices that were made: pretty ballsy choices in my opinion, and certainly not commercial ones.

Earlier on I wrote that this was an instant horror classic, and I truly believe that. People bitch to me all the time how there's nothing original in horror these days. Well, here you go! This movie will make you uncomfortable, scare you, gross you out and entertain you for the entire 139 minutes. When I left the theater I felt that I had seen something new and fresh, and of course, very well-executed.

Overall, THE DESCENT is one of the best horror movies I have ever seen. I'd even say it's now in my Top Twenty of all time. So yes, you must see this film. But for God's sakes - will you please see it in the theater, or at home in the dark with a kick-ass sound system? If you watch this movie on a sunny Sunday afternoon, you'll never understand what I am talking about here.

Cello (2005)

The best horror/cello flick I've seen since, um...

[8/10 · 8 August 2006]

First things first. The box for "Cello" has some of the most bad-ass cover art I've ever seen. It's sexy, bloody and instantly makes my wonder how the hell a horror flick can revolve around a cello. Quite honestly, I'm burning myself out when it comes to foreign horror. They're quickly becoming my favorite sub-genre, but man, do I miss the days when I didn't have to read or think so much. I'm actually becoming smarter watching horror movies and that's scarier then the films themselves. Moving on… "Cello" is about (what else?) a young cellist by the name of Mi-ju (Sung Hyun-Ah), who holds herself responsible for killing her best friend in a car accident. Fast-forward a few years later and Mi-Ju's life is finally back-on-track, or at least close to it. She has two beautiful children, a loving husband, a big house, a decent teaching career and a small waistline. She's got it all - too good to be true right? You bet your ass it is. Before you can fart out last night's dinner, Mi-ju's world begins to fall apart. Her students are constantly screwing with her, her sister's going crazy, terrible nightmares plague her sleep and her oldest daughter is becoming a human vegetable. Hey! - at least her waistline is stable. So is all this a coincidence? Probably not. Is a bitter spirit from the past coming back to seek revenge? Probably. What did she expect? Even in purgatory, the chick is still removing pieces of windshield from her face. Hopefully her tits didn't get hacked up too bad.

The opening of "Cello" embodies everything I love about Asian cinema. We have a beautiful girl sitting in her bedroom playing the cello, sliding the bow across the strings producing a beautiful melody. The camera slowly moves around the room, changing the focus between the foreground and background. Sounds peaceful right? Well, almost immediately we cut to a woman in an emergency room covered in blood. We see that she has been in some sort of accident and the doctors are struggling to save her from her already-decided fate. These shots are realistic and downright disturbing. It's funny; I can watch Jason Voorhees hack through a bloody plethora of terror-filled teenagers, but when the people are in a realistic situation, like a car accident, it's far worse to watch. Oddly enough, it's also very beautiful in a morbid sort of way. Asian films always seem to accomplish this and I'm very drawn to that.

Because of the dark, eerie cover art I just assumed that "Cello" was going to be a ninety-minute spook fest, very much in the tradition of Ju-On and Ringu. Man, was I was wrong! Director Woo-cheol Lee chose to focus more on story and character then the scares. (Uh-oh… there goes half the audience.) At first this was disappointing to me but of course – like with most Asian cinema - when all is said and done, the story development pays off in the end.

I was also surprised how non-atmospheric and bright "Cello" was. Most Asian flicks require a heavy-duty flashlight for viewing but not "Cello." A good portion of the film takes place during the day and if it's after-dark, then the characters are inside in well-lit rooms. They seem to be much 'brighter' than normal, too. We see them dressed in bright colors, joke around, dance and laugh. Basically act like regular people. This was such a refreshing change from the usual dark, gloomy characters that populate most Asian films.

The only qualm I had was with the pacing. Like I said, when the end credits started rolling I felt satisfied, but it was a slow ride at times. I was going to rate this flick a little lower because of this, but as I sat down to write the review I just kept thinking of several key sequences that really impressed me, the final shot of the film being one of them. I think with a higher scare factor "Cello" could have been one of my favorites. I really enjoyed this one.

Overall, I think most people will like "Cello." It's the classic Asian approach. You have a lot of story development, which can be slow at times and of course, an ending that will no doubt spark conversation. If you enjoy these types of films then you'll most definitely like this one. If you don't, then you probably won't. If you're new to Asian cinema, then I highly recommend you check out "Cello." It's a great introduction to the genre.

London Voodoo (2004)

A mixed bag of voodoo magic!

[6/10 · 1 July 2006]

Thank God London finally has some voodoo. Hopefully, everyone will stop complaining now! OK, so about this little European thriller. Notice that I said "thriller." That's right kiddies, you won't find any spilling intestines in this one but, you will find some voodoo. Did I mention that London finally has some voodoo? Man, I need to just shut up and get to the point don't I?

The plot for this London tale of voodoo is a rather simple one. After a young and very much in love American couple move into their new home, they quickly discover a little something that was left by the previous owners. This "something" is actually a case located in a spot under the basement floor that contains a few rotted corpses, tacky beads and other voodoo paraphernalia. Damn voodoo bitches… always leaving their stuff around! The wife Sarah (Sara Stewart) is actually the one who discovers and later, shows her asshole husband. We'll define why he's an asshole in a bit but, shortly after the discovery Sarah beings to feel differently, almost like she's under some sort of spell. Almost, wink… wink… OK, fine. I'll tell you. Bitch be getting' possessed!

This is going to be one of the more interesting reviews because technically, London Voodoo is a decent film. I mean, the script is structured well, the score is decent, the performances are adequate and it's directed fairly well. Nothing stands out as being exceptional but, at the same time, nothing is complete crap either. The people that will enjoy this film the most are the kind of film goers that enjoy a good story. You know those people that say a film is "scary" because of the "idea" that the film presents is scary? Take Night of the Living Dead… I don't find that film scary at all but, people say it is because of the concept of zombies taking over the world. London Voodoo is very much designed for this kind of mind set, which just doesn't work for me.

Now let's talk on a personal level. If I'm not seeing a nice set of tits or some beautifully gory death then you better deliver me some great charismatic characters to spend my ninety minutes with. Well, guess what? I didn't see no boobs or gore… Oh, guess what else I didn't see?? A character that I could care about… You have the wife Sarah who, because of her possession, acts like a complete crazy bitch. Everyone knows some girl who transforms into the antichrist while on her period right? Hell, my ex-girlfriend would give Damien a run for his money… Anyway, Sarah is one of those devil spawn bitches but much, much worse. The worst thing is that I never liked her much from the beginning so I didn't really care if she was talking to herself or crapping her pants. Then you have the husband who works too much and he has a child who he has absolutely no time for. He'll be typing away on the computer and his beautiful, sweet, little girl will come over to him with some picture she just drew as he ignores her. I have no patience for people like this. One instance OK… I'll give that to you because you're making a point but, I don't think he even looks at her once during the whole film. I mean seriously, who wants to root for a guy like that?

See, the problem here is that I never once cared about these characters. In fact, I cared less the more the film went on, which is a terrible position to be in because as the film progresses, they are each put into more peril and ultimately, if you don't care about them or their safety then what's the point? You know? I'm not really a voodoo kind of guy anyway. The only film I can think of that contains voodoo that I enjoyed is The Serpent and the Rainbow. I just don't care for that whole religion and I'm not sure why exactly. Maybe it's because they're FREAKS!! OK, I'm just joking… no little Butcher voodoo dolls please!

Overall, just because I didn't enjoy London Voodoo doesn't mean that it's crap. The film succeeds on many levels, script and story being two of them. It just comes down to personal taste and, in the end, it just wasn't for me. If you enjoy the same type of films that I do then you'll probably want to spend your time with something else. On the other severed hand, if you think that I eat cocaine sandwiches for lunch, you'll probably enjoy London Voodoo very much. Oh no! I just felt a sting in the back on my neck. No! It's like I'm being pricked by a needle! Please put the doll down!!

2001 Maniacs (2005)

2001 great moments! Man, this film is entertaining!!

[8/10 · 1 July 2006]

The other day a friend of mine was describing what a horror film should be like. I remember her talking specifically about the idea of dread and how the best horror films go beyond hot chicks and severed heads to focus more on subtle, underlying themes like those involving inevitable doom, symbolic loss, etc. For example, she likes to see a movie where we follow some maniac in a ski mask as he stalks Gail, the soccer mom, around town for thirty minutes. The difference in opinion between my friend and me lies in the simple fact that, unless Gail has a great ass and double D's that would knock you out cold, I find it to be a total snooze fest! I bring up this difference in "taste" because 2001 Maniacs, like Hostel and Cabin Fever, will separate the horror fans quicker than a chop from Vorhees' machete. Shoot girl! That was my boob!

2001 Maniacs is about a group of hot chicks who, after following a detour sign, wind up in a small, secluded, colonial town known as Pleasant Valley. Mayor Buckman, the fearless leader of this quaint and completely screwed up establishment is none other than horror veteran Mr. Robert Englund. You would probably recognize him from Urban Legends as the college professor who lectures on American Crime... Um yeah... So, back to the hot chicks. After agreeing to stay in town for the festivities, they quickly booze up, get naked and lose a few limbs. Well, some of them. OK, most of them. Maybe even all of them, but not before they show us their breasts!! Awesome!! Take it easy pervert!

What seriously rocks about 2001 Maniacs is the balls to the wall approach that Director Tim Sullivan takes with the material, which was also produced by Hostel director Eli Roth and Evil Dead 2 writer Scott Spiegel, among a few others. Tim, being a huge horror fan himself, clearly understands the genre and it comes across with every beautiful, blonde vixen, quirky character moment and dinner platter that overflows with spicy, severed heads. Now don't be a bonehead and think that I'm saying every horror film needs these elements to succeed. There is room for both types of horror films, people. I enjoy my David Cronenberg horror as much as I enjoy my Raw Nerve (the new production company behind 2001 Maniacs) horror.

One thing that I truly love about the horror genre are those "wink-wink" moments, like a Chainsaw Massacre tribute shot or maybe an Evil Dead poster in the background. In the case of 2001 Maniacs, it was a cameo from producer Eli Roth reprising his role of Grim with Dr. Mambo from Cabin Fever. He asks some kids to give him a ride up north so he can go camping but, just as he steps back to grab his bag, one of the kids yells, "Face!" and they peel out. I realize that some of you may not get that reference but that's the point. It's rewarding to those who do and even more rewarding that it remains unexplained to those who don't. I bring this point up because Tim Sullivan realizes what type of film he is making and has loads of fun with it. He hides nothing and that's very refreshing.

Besides the funny script and overall lightheartedness, the charismatic cast and superb special effects were the other two elements that really impressed me. The cast is lead by Robert Englund (enough said), Lin Shaye, who really goes the distance in this one, Giuseppe Andrews, who is always very, very interesting to watch and, finally, Jay Gillespie (did Val Kilmer have a child?) who surprisingly holds his own opposite Englund. The whole cast is awesome. I mentioned the insanely cool death sequences right? Before shooting, Tim took the time to plan out each death sequence in great detail and that comes across in the film. The demise of each character is completely memorable and gives you and your buddy something to talk about while you're in the public stalls taking a dump together.

Overall, 2001 Maniacs is definitely not for everyone. If you are like Cameron Frye and have the ability to create diamonds in your ass, you'll want to pass. On the other hand, if you think Cameron's a big, wet pussy, you would most definitely have fun with this one. It's pure entertainment and I loved every minute of it. I would have rated the film higher if people weren't screwing sheep in it. That turns you on doesn't it you sheep screwer… Stop touching yourself and go rent the movie!

Headspace (2005)

Headspace is one of the best monster movies you haven't seen!

[8/10 · 8 May 2006]

I first became aware of the film Headspace back in early 2006 after reading a featured article in Fangoria, one of my favorite horror mags. The article was interesting, as they usually are, but what enticed me most about this little, independent gem was the insanely original storyline, which we'll get to shortly. I was also attracted to the filmmakers themselves and the producers, writer and director all seemed very self motivated, intelligent and determined to make an awesome film. So, you could say I was expecting a little more than usual going into Headspace.

Let me fill you in on the plot. We see a young, troubled guy known to the world as Alex Borden, played by Christopher Denham. By troubled, I mean a pretty rough childhood which, at one point, involves him and his brother viewing their dad blow their mom's face to smithereens with a shotgun. Serves her right for getting too far away from the kitchen… Alex has been a smart guy all his life but, at the age of twenty-five, his intelligence begins increasing by the minute. This dude reads books in minutes, learns how to master chess in a day's time and can even understand women. Actually, I'm kidding… Nobody's that smart. Eventually, Alex learns that he can see events that have taken place in the past and, towards the end of the film, can even see into other dimensions, which is where the crap really hits the fan.

This Good Will Hunting Gone Wild tale could have easily been a disaster if it were not for the TLC given by the people involved. The look of the film really enhanced the quality for me. Headspace looks like it cost five to ten million to make and I would bet my dead rabbit Penny's water bottle that the budget was nowhere near that amount. Headpsace recently took home the Best Cinematography Award at the New York Horror Film Festival and with good reason. The film is colorful, shot well and looks magnificent over all.

Another element that boosted the quality of the film for me was the casting. It seemed like every five minutes, some blast from the past was popping up. We have Olivia Hussey from Black Christmas, William Atherton from Ghostbusters, Sean Young from Bladerunner and Dee Wallace-Stone from The Hills Have Eyes. I could keep going but I think you get the idea. These seasoned vets not only make the film more fun because of that, "Oh I remember them!" factor but, they also bring some serious acting chops to the table. Newcomer Christopher Denham definitely holds his own as well and he's interesting to watch as he manages to find a balance between the nice guy next-door and the freak with the expanding brain. I mean, I liked the guy throughout the entire movie but I wasn't sure if someone should spend time scouring the Earth for the best doctor available or just drag him in the back yard behind the shed and put him down Ol' Yeller style! It was a nice dynamic.

With all this being said, the bottom line is that I really respect the filmmakers of Headspace for truly caring about the material. They set out to make one of those B rated monster movies that we all remember as kids and they nailed it. It was like watching USA's Creature Double Feature night with the only difference being that it was Tuesday and there was only one featured Creature Feature as apposed to two featured Double Creature Features. Huh? Anyway, those films were never this well done. Bravo!

Overall, I really enjoyed Headspace and feel very comfortable recommending it to everyone, even the casual fans of the genre. One thing to the gore lovers though; these characters spend a lot more time talking than chopping so, if you're looking for a blood bath, try something else. I highly suggest watching the film in the dark on a Saturday night with a big fat bowl of popped corn floating in butter. It's that kind of film!

Final Destination 3 (2006)

The concept is getting a little stale but it's still fun at times.

[6/10 · 13 February 2006]

It's been six years since Alex Chance Browning and his friends were pulled off of flight 180. Six years since an unhappy "death" came knocking, looking for those who had eluded the master plan. It's also been three years since Kimberly Corman experienced her premonition, saving the lives of numerous people, for the time being anyway. As far as time passing in the film, it's been about three years and now comes the time for me to venture to my local cinema for yet another juicy installment in the Final Destination series. Was I excited? Yeah, you could say that. They asked me to purchase another ticket for my erection… The film opens in the usual manner: A young, attractive teenager has a premonition of a terrible accident that not only takes her life, but the lives of her dearest friends. Most of them just want to get in her pants but I'm not gonna tell the bitch that. The first film opened with an exploding airplane, the second, a traffic accident and now we have the roller coaster. The idea of an amusement park ride going haywire is great because everyone has thought about the seat belt breaking and the next thing you know, some kid's checking out your insides while chewing on a hot dog. The roller coaster accident was done fairly well but unfortunately, it could have been so much more. I wanted to see the roller coaster fly off the track into a nearby Ferris wheel or maybe a daycare… Imagine that carnage. Popcorn and crayons everywhere… I just didn't feel the accident was worth the fifteen minute build and it definitely didn't compare to the opening of its predecessors.

So once this opening has commenced, we delve into the plot. Yep, same crap different day… Death is after everyone who has survived the crash and our attractive lead, Wendy Christensen (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), quickly discovers that the horror is just beginning. The only difference between the plot of this film and Final Destination 1 is that the hero has pictures that give her clues as opposed to visions. Besides the cast of characters, this is literally the only difference. The second installment was a great follow up because constant references were made to the previous film. The writers had not only continued the story but expanded on the concepts as well. Now we get to part three and only one, tiny, miniscule, forgettable reference was made to the previous films. I could have handled this if the writers didn't rehash the dialogue from the first film but we had to listen to the characters banter back and forth about Death and his master plan. We've already been there people! Honest to God, it was like watching the first film all over again but with a less charismatic cast. The plot was my number one problem with this flick, number two being the pacing, which was just a little slow at times.

Even though the plot and pacing were off, the death sequences were as cool as always. The ten minute build before each death is getting a little stale but thankfully, the pay off was usually worth the wait. In fact, one death in this installment has come to be my favorite of all three films as a guy manages to get his skull mangled by a radiator cooling fan. We also have the joy of watching a nail gun rape the face of a young girl. Between The Nail Gun Massacre, Red Riding Hood and Final Destination 3, I've seen more people nailed than in the last ten pornos I've watched. Seriously, I have seen about fifteen people in the past few weeks that have met their untimely demise by a projectile from a nail gun. Speaking of pornos, we get to see a few busty bimbos fry in tanning booths and, although I have seen death by tanning before, it was not like this. We get to watch these two girls fry like sausages on a grill. Order up!! I have to say that the deaths deliver.

After watching all three films back to back, I have come to a startling realization. Final Destination is Friday the 13th without the lake. Think about it… the opening premonition is the equivalent of the camp counselors pulling into Camp Blood. Both events open the film and, during the sequence, we meet a group of young attractive teens that will ultimately die a horrible death, one by one. You with me so far? Then, you have a villain that can't be stopped and no matter what the children do, he will always manage to get the best of them. The only real difference between the two villains is that Death can't perform a cranium crush. Why? Because he doesn't really have hands, silly. Do I have to think of everything? Overall, when I look at Final Destination 3 in relation to the series, I have to say that it was a miserable failure. However, I rate each film as it stands on its own and when you do that in this case, you are left with a decent horror film that is worth seeing. Unbelievably enough, the film actually works better if you haven't seen the previous ones. I just hope that the next installment makes no attempt to continue any of the story lines. Just introduce new kids and have them spend their time screwing and dying, nothing more, nothing less… Like Friday the 13th baby! Just don't give Death a hockey mask.

Cry Wolf (2005)

Not at all what I was expecting. Does anybody die in this film?

[4/10 · 20 December 2005]

Cry Wolf is a film I really wanted to see in the theater but never got a chance to. It had been a while since I had seen a knife-wielding maniac hack and slash his way through some young, topless college girls. They always look so much better when they're dead, don't they? So anyway… To my surprise, heads didn't roll and throats didn't dispense their usual auburn Karo syrup. Blood and body count is not at all what Cry Wolf is about.In the opening sequence, we almost get the joy of watching some hopeless, doomed, college blond eat a bullet for dinner. However, we get the good old fade to black before she deep throats the barrel… How disappointing… After the late night lead snack, we cut to a shiny, college campus where Owen (Julian Morrisin), the new kid in town, meets up with a cocky but somewhat attractive red head Dodger played by Lindy Booth. Dodger and her motley crew bring Owen to the local hideout where they enjoy a dangerous little game of lies. The title of the game might even be Cry Wolf and since it plays such a huge role in the film, I'll take the time to explain it.

One of the friends hosts the game. This host will then secretly choose one person in the group to be the wolf – a.k.a., the liar. The chosen host will then pick two people at random. These two people will try and convince everyone else that the other person is the wolf. After the ping-pong banter between the two "current" chosen players, the remaining boneheads must then vote on which one of the two is lying. If the person with the most votes is not the wolf, then that person must not only stop playing the game but leave the grounds completely. Rough… The game continues in this way until the identity of the wolf is revealed or if the wolf is the last one standing.

The kids quickly get bored of playing the game and decide to up the ante. Remember that bullet eating blond from the opening sequence? Well, the brat pack decides to start a rumor that her murderer is on campus and has the need to feed. One mass email to everyone on campus and the rumor is out. The game has begun. I really can't go on due to spoilers but the game quickly becomes real. Did the real killer read the email? Are Dodger and her friends still playing Cry Wolf? Is Owen dropping tabs of acid and acting out? The whole film plays out like a monster size version of Clue. Picture the "who done it" feel of Scream times ten. This plot structure is the main ingredient of Cry Wolf and the main reason why I wake up in the middle of the night, sweat pouring off of me screaming, "WHY???" Read on my friends….

When you have a film like this that relies one hundred percent on script, the characters are everything. They are planets in the solar system. If the characters don't do it for you then the films screwed from the start. While watching Cry Wolf, other films like Heathers and The Curve came to mind since all three share a similar kind of quirkiness. However, I feel that Heathers and The Curve were done much better, due mainly to the presence of a more charismatic cast, which is exactly what Cry Wolf was missing. I just found these characters to be extremely annoying. In fact, I would say that about eighty percent of the film is just them talking back and forth about who sent an email to whom or who saw who where and when. Are you lying? Who's lying? The intent is for the audience to hang on every word, trying to put the pieces together like an FBI Agent. This can cause a huge problem because if you're not emotionally invested in the characters then who really cares? You might as well be watching your parents having sex. At least that would be scary. The characters' endless "witty" banter quickly makes listening a chore and I tell you, if you miss a word, you'll be more confused than an un-caged King Kong in downtown Manhattan.

The other reason this film made me want to roast my nuts on an open fire was the marketing campaign. Very misleading. The film is not a teen slasher but a "who done it" thriller. I realized about sixty minutes into the film that the body count was zero. What?? Listen, if you're going to play this card, at least paint the town red with the first victim - the chick who sucked off a handgun in the woods. Learn a lesson from Stephen King - if you give the audience gore in the opening ten minutes, they are more apt to invest themselves in the first act, take the time to learn the characters and to care about their situation. The opening sequence didn't even have a drop of blood. Shame… shame… Overall, I really didn't enjoy Cry Wolf. However, there are definitely people out there who did. If you're familiar with the cast and follow their body of work then the back and forth banter will intoxicate you with joy. Also, knowing before hand that Cry Wolf is not a slasher will help a lot. On the other hand, if you invest heavily in characters, you will probably find the same faults I did. So, it's a mixed bag. If you're still on the fence, give it a rental. At your own risk of course.

Witchboard (1986)

A fun, nostalgic 80's Ouija classic. A smashing good time.

[7/10 · 7 December 2005]

Witchboard is yet another film that dominated my youth. I'm not sure if that's because it was a good film or because Tawny Kitaen plays the lead role. The film actually changed my life in a way. It gave birth to the Ouija board. I eventually got my own, which was no easy task seeing how my mother whole-heartedly believed the simple Parker board was without a doubt, the portal to hell and would inevitably lead to Satan's holding dominion over my immortal soul. Man, I just wanted to ask the spirits where my dad's porn collection was. Now that I think of it, I spent more time in 1986 using a Ouija board than going to school. By the end of the summer, my brother and I had filled an entire notebook with spirit documentation. My childhood home was a hot spot for paranormal activity. The average EMF peaked at 3.7 and if memory serves correctly, that summer we collected just over sixty EVPS. That's a crazy amount of activity for a house so far below sea level. OK, I'll stop. I'm just yanking your noodle. We didn't really live below sea level.

Before Tawny Kitaen made money spreading her legs on Corvettes, (or for assorted rock stars) she was unknowingly falling victim to progressive entrapment. Such a sad state of affairs for a young, beautiful, red headed, big breasted, American woman. That's the plot at first glance - a simple possession story. However, in the tradition of American Beauty, if you "look a little closer", you will find a heartwarming story of two men who have been torn apart by a young, beautiful, red headed, big breasted American woman. Jim the drunk got the girl and now Brandon the tight ass is just a tad jealous. If I am being perfectly honest with you, he's about a day away from jumping headfirst into a meat grinder. Damn bitches! They'll get you every time. Thankfully for us, the young, beautiful, red headed, big breasted American woman takes it upon herself to use the board solo. Do I smell some progressive entrapment? This ultimately forces Felix and Oscar to rekindle their flame, all for the glory of love. I know what you're thinking and no… there are no man-on-man love sequences. Not with the living anyway.

Man, this movie makes me feel good! I feel like Nikki Sixx in 1984 - needle included. This is what Witchboard is all about. Fun! The film was released in the mid eighties and it shows in every spirit-possessing frame. The wardrobe, the music, hair, special effects and film quality screams retro. With that being said, the film still works. The script is definitely solid. Writer/Director Kevin Tenney does a fine job with developing the possession of Tawny, the relationship between Jim and Brandon and most importantly, the mythology behind the evil spirit(s). It's nicely balanced. I think this is why the film still works. A good script never dies! We are even treated to the classic scene where the main character travels to the library during the finale to research old newspaper clippings. If you don't love that sequence then you deserve to be thrown head first into a meat grinder.

At times Witchboard can be creepier then Ed Gein shopping for groceries. Remember that shot in The Changeling when the camera floats though the house? It's in Amityville: The Possession as well. That shot never fails to wake up the hairs on the back on my neck. Witchboard has its fair share of them too. One shot specifically leads up a staircase, down the hall and into a smoke filled room. The only two items in this barren space are a casket and laying on top of that, a Ouija board. Add in the not so subtle Casio SK-1 Keyboard accompaniment and voila, instant terror. The Ouija board is always a great tool in horror films, probably because everyone can relate to it. Most people have either used one or know someone who has. Man, all this Ouija board talk makes me want to whip one out right now. No. Not my tiny penis silly, the Ouija board.

Overall, I have to recommend Witchboard. I would be abandoning my inner child if I said anything else. The film has plenty of over-sized earrings, Doctor Who special effects and young, beautiful, red headed, big breasted, American women. And yes, Tawny removes her squirrel covers so please stop asking! If it's been over ten years since your last viewing, then I suggest you give this one another rental, for good old fashioned nostalgia if nothing else. I beg of you. If this film entices you to use the board please don't fly solo. I have already lost two readers this month due to progressive entrapment and I don't think I could handle a third. Not in the same month anyway.

The Dentist (1996)

Ouch... my mouth still hurts!

[6/10 · 29 November 2005]

I don't mean to burst anyone's bubble here but the Dentist is not a documentary film delving into the history of dental hygiene. I know that is exactly what you were thinking, so don't try any of that crap with me. To be honest with you, The Dentist is an educational film where we learn about dentistry tools and their various uses. We learn what each tool looks like, how they work and how quickly they can destroy your teeth and gums. As a bonus, we get to learn how far a mouth can open before snapping the jawbone. But most importantly, we learn what happens if you neglect good hygiene. I tell you folks - I have seen the punishment and it's not pretty.

The story of a dentist gone mad is what first intrigued me to watch this film. Just the idea alone is enough to warrant an eyebrow lift. But director Brian Yuzna takes this oddball concept one step further. He approaches it with the utmost care and devotion; relishing in every gory detail. Right from the opening scene, we see that Dr. Feinstone (Corbin Bernsen) is obsessively a clean freak. Every wall in his house is white. His shirts are white. The carpet, the countertops, his car - white. Everything this lunatic owns is white. There is a moment in the opening sequence when the doctor and his wife suck face, just after Mrs. Feinstone has been secretly smoking a cigarette. He immediately tastes the smoke and is so repulsed that he excuses himself to wash-up. The scene is great because we truly understand how gone this guy is. He is a ticking time bomb on the verge of exploding. Wait until he gets to the office - all those cavities. Tick… tick… I know, just when you thought it was safe to go back to the dentist.

Corbin Bernsen, the master of dual personalities, heads up this stellar cast of unfortunate teeth cleaners. Surprisingly, I really can't imagine anyone else playing the role of Dr. Feinstone. He was perfect as the nice, calm guy who brings smiles to the faces of children and equally great as the drill happy maniac. He delivers really funny lines with the utmost seriousness. One of my favorite lines is "You don't know what it's like - the discipline, the long hours, lack of respect, in a world that goes on ignoring dental hygiene." I am laughing even now. He's just nuts! In the supporting cast we have Mark Ruffalo, Molly Hagan from Election and Devil's Rejects Kevin Foree just to name a few. Mark is the only marquee name in the film but almost everyone is recognizable.

Where The Dentist really shines is in the directing. The film never loses its tone, which is quite an accomplishment considering the quirkiness and delicate balance between comedy and drama. Director Brian Yuzna uses this really cool technique when showing how Dr. Feinstone perceives certain situations. A patient will be sitting in his dental chair with a mouth full of pearly whites. We can clearly see this but not the dentist. All he sees are run down, wretched, green, plaque infested teeth and gums. While watching from the doctor's point of view, the camera shot distorts; similar to that of a funhouse mirror as we hear odd atmospheric sound effects. These moments do an exceptional job of conveying the doctor's inner workings. No wonder he's drilling everything he sees.

The only problem I had with The Dentist was the finale. Right from the beginning you know this ride is going to be a crazy one. The film screams quirkiness and when that kind of tone is established, you just know the ending will be anything but traditional. It's tough because the ending needs to be smart, unpredictable and it needs to surpass everything that has come before it. Unfortunately, I don't feel The Dentist accomplished this. The film should have ended fifteen minutes before it actually did. Just something a little more interesting would have done it for me. For example, maybe he dies and returns as a bitchy tooth fairy. That would have hit the spot.

Overall, The Dentist is a great way to spend ninety minutes. The script, acting and directing are all above average for the genre. Did I mention the doctor's wife is very hot and very naked? Did I mention teeth will be removed one by one with a set of pliers? If you're not already looking for your video membership card then I give up. What more do you want?

House of Wax (2005)

Everything a horror movie should be.Sleek, sexy and bloody as hell.

[8/10 · 8 November 2005]

House of Wax is a film that I missed seeing in the theatres. Yes, I was inconsolable. However, fast forward to six months later when a friend of mine comes over to my place and says, "Hey boner buddy, guess what I won on Rock 101 today? The House of Wax DVD." At this point my knees weaken. I can almost smell the wax as he reaches into the inner pocket of his pea coat. By the time I gather all my candles for the viewing, the DVD is in the player and we are ready to rock like Angus Young in 1982.

House of Wax opens in 1974. We see a mother and father trying to have a nice, peaceful, sit down breakfast. It appears that these unfortunate parents have two children around the same age. One is sitting quietly eating his Cheerios while the other is completely spazing out; so much so that the parents need to strap him down to the high chair using belt buckles. The kid is kicking and screaming while his father slaps him again and again, all the while shouting, "Why can't you be good like your brother?" This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that proper parenting should include a healthy dose of restraints and beatings.

Cut to present day. Yeah, I'll have one cheeseburger, a large fry and two super hot chicks please. Elisha Cuthbert and Paris Hilton make House of Wax a pleasure to watch. I haven't been this happy with casting choices since Jessica Biel in the Chainsaw Massacre remake. I sit on the edge of my seat, wishing the crazy wax man would slice a large chunk out of Elisha's shirt, introducing a fifth character, her stomach. Remember George pulled that same move on Portman in Attack of the Clones? Unfortunately my wish did not come true. We do get a panty scene thought and Paris performs her patented strip tease. I know, I know…. What about the ladies in the audience? Don't fret little ones; you have the strong, sexy shirtless Chad Michael Murray. He was actually really good as the angry Nick Jones, Elisha's brother in the film. He was so good that I bought an autographed poster for the back of my bedroom door. Don't judge me…

On the DVD cover box, one of the critic quotes mentions that the film is sexy and they couldn't be more right. Not only are the girls sexy but the entire concept is as well. You have this minuscule town which is not even on a map where a psychopathic maniac spends his days building statues and other miscellaneous objects out of wax. The actual house of wax is really cool, with everything from the books to the walls to the structure of the house itself being made of wax. The faces of the wax figures were phenomenal and the whole idea that they were once living, breathing creatures is definitely creepy. I wish I could hire this guy to transform my ex girlfriends into wax statues… Well, not the fat ones…

What impressed me most about House of Wax was the sheer violence in the film. It's slow going at first but once the mood and characters are set and the house has been penetrated, all hell breaks loose. By the way, hell carries two carving knives, wears a wax mask and enjoys dragging his victims back to his boiler room for a wax party. There is a moment in the film where Wax Face lays the unfortunate soul on his examining table, drugs him, cleans and stitches up his wounds, waxes his face, then places his naked body in the Iron Maiden. The torture device, not the band. You can stop playing air guitar now… One of the things that I love in films such as House of Wax is the killer's use of old surgical equipment and odd, machinery - especially machinery that covers most of the face.

Again, the violence in this movie is awesome. There is moment in the film when one character is bashing another character in the face with a baseball bat. I thought to myself, there is no way they are going to show the bat hit the face. Sure enough, they do and not once but about six times. The guys face was a pile of mashed potatoes. Two wax covered thumbs up! I also want to go on record saying that Paris Hilton has one of the best death sequences I have ever seen. It was most excellent. Oh, don't get all pissy because I gave that away. If you thought there was even a 0.3% chance she was going to survive the one hundred and thirteen minutes of horror then you don't even deserve to be here. Now go away!

Overall, House of Wax kicks total ass and is definitely my favorite film from Dark Castle Entertainment so far. I thought the girls were unbelievably sexy, the villain was creepy and intense, the set design was unique, the special effects were awesome and most of all, the directing from Jaume Collet-Serra was great. House of Wax is just my cup of tea. It is so refreshing to see an R rated horror film that holds nothing back. I am really surprised they got away with an R rating. Some of you will find moments to bicker about but what can you do? It's a horror movie! I am going to buy my own copy of the DVD this weekend. Yes, I recommend House of Wax.

Saw II (2005)

Fun and bloody, but nowhere near the quality of the first.

[6/10 · 31 October 2005]

"Could contain Spoilers"

Saw 2 opens with yet another doomed victim who lacks an appreciation for life - not a good character trait to have when the Jigsaw killer is hungry for gaming. In this most anticipated sequel, the first victim wakes in a grungy room wearing only an iron contraption around his neck and a pair of navy blue boxer briefs. Soon enough, a nearby TV turns on to reveal that creepy papier-mâché mask that we all have come to know and love. Through a brief explanation, we learn that some hours earlier, Mr. Joe Boxer had a key implanted behind his eyeball; the evidence of which is shown on the TV in an x-ray. The key unlocks the "Death Mask", a spring loaded spiked device, that he has woken up wearing. Armed only with a scalpel and a mirror, he must cut the key out of his head and unlock the mask before it snaps shut and kills him. To make matters worse, he only has 60 seconds to do it! Talk about a rude awakening! He's just woken up and he has a split second to decide if he would rather lose an eye or die… When I first wake up, it takes me 3 minutes just to remember what day it is… Rough day for this guy… The TV turns off abruptly… the game has begun. Does he perform this gruesome surgical procedure? Better yet, does he perform it within the given time? Seeing how this is the opening of the film, you should be guessing no. Bingo… SMASH! The mask closes like a Venus flytrap on steroids.

Enter hero Donnie Wahlberg playing the role of Detective Eric Matthew. He walks onto the crime scene and after five minutes basically says, "I'm outta here!" What? Wait a minute… are you sure? Maybe you want to find a clue before you leave? Eventually, he decides to look a little closer, which leads to the discovery of a manufacturer's label on the death mask. Calling all cars! Everyone heads down to the manufacturing plant where they discover The Jigsaw Killer. "Gotcha", says Detective Matthew. Yep, he's a smart one all right. Jigsaw tells Matthew to look in the other room. He sees a group of monitors displaying eight victims in an isolated, grunge infested room. To really hit home, Matthew sees that one of the victims is his teenage son. Let the games begin Detective.

Here's how the game is played folks – The eight victims are trapped inside a house. There is a toxic nerve agent in the house that is seeping into their bodies. The door to the house will open in three hours but within two, their bodies will bleed from every internal organ. Throughout the house are games that, if won, will yield an antidote, but usually just a single dose. This leads to one of my first major problems with the film. OK, you have a decent size house to explore and only two hours to do so. The first thing I would do is form some kind of a plan, look around the room very carefully for clues, etc… What do these guys choose to do first? Freak out. Fine, we'll give them a few minutes to do that. However, I felt like they never stopped arguing. I understand that these eight personalities vary to the extreme but it was very annoying to see the clock ticking while they do absolutely nothing to benefit themselves. You have one girl on the ground crying half the time and another one telling everyone to shut up. Towards the finale, one of these characters becomes an even bigger threat to the household than Jigsaw… very odd story choice in my opinion.

As you might have guessed, I really would have liked to see the characters working together more, or better yet, working together at all. I felt the script should have spent more time playing with what the characters knew and didn't know, as in the first film. You had two characters chained up in a bathroom. One of them would secretly read a note hidden by Jigsaw and instantly we know that Adam knows something Lawrence doesn't. Then five minutes later Lawrence reads a note. Then we watch them play against each other. The original film peeled away layers like the Iron Chef on crystal meth but sadly, the sequel did not. Towards the end, I was so annoyed and frustrated by the characters, I was eagerly awaiting their hopefully painful demise. You have this huge house with all these undiscovered rooms… why on Pluto would you waste more then ten minutes showing them arguing. It was like watching Jigsaw's version of Big Brother.

The character of Detective Matthew was almost as annoying as the arguing. At some point in the film, Jigsaw says something to the effect of – all you have to do is listen to me and your son will be returned safely. That's it, nothing more, nothing less. Actually, pretty simple directions… The maniac promptly launches into his mantra, talking about the value of life and how people don't appreciate it. Sure enough, in five minutes Matthew is rolling his eyes and calling the guy a crazy loony. Call me loony but if Jigsaw had my son and he said those words, my ear would be down his throat. Apparently, my viewpoints on a child's life are a little different from Detective Matthew's.

Overall, Saw 2 can definitely be fun and entertaining at times but it just wasn't what it needed to be. The movie is decent but when compared to the original, it did not shine as much as it should have. With all this being said, I still recommend Saw 2. I don't feel it's a must see but if you're a fan of the genre it's definitely worth a look.