tangsoojanitor Reviews

Monster-in-Law (2005)

It was recommended by my boyfriend's 7-year-old daughter. 'Nuff said.

[1/10 · 11 August 2006]

This movie was pure garbage. Jennifer Lopez was, as usual, unbelievably annoying and mannish despite her dewy complexion and massive boobies. There's just something about her voice and mannerisms (no pun intended) which seem undeniably masculine.

I would never have chosen to watch this movie. But when my boyfriend's incredibly cute daughter asked me to watch it with her and flashed me the sad puppy face, I steeled myself for a cinematic train wreck and popped it in.

It was even worse than I could have imagined.

First of all, it was unrealistic. The conniving, slapstick plotting of Viola and the still more conniving and slapstick retaliation of Charlie (ah-HA! she even has a man's name!!!) would never happen in real life. The mother would be cold and steely, perhaps even going so far as to tell the dreaded "temp" to stay away from her precious Golden Boy. Rather then slinging spaghetti sauce and innocently making the old hag a hideous 60's style prom dress to wear to the wedding, the spurned woman would either ignore the witch, or tell her off and be done with it.

Second of all, the chemistry between Charlie and Kevin was the worst I've EVER seen in a movie. And I do literally mean ever. Kevin seemed like a pompous irritating jerk, as well as the worst kind of mama's boy, and in her interaction with him, Charlie came across as whiny, grovelly, and childlike. Their physical scenes (rare indeed) were actually difficult to watch they seemed so forced. And that pathetic almost phone-sex scene, thankfully interrupted by Mother Superior, seemed so unrealistic and cheesy that I found myself squirming. Kevin sounded so casual he could have been discussing his new and very boring foot fungus. Charlie couldn't have looked any more uncomfortable if he had been, in between pouty bleats of "I miss you." Please!

Finally, the ending was rushed, stupid, and even more unrealistic than the events leading up to it. In under ten seconds the sun just breaks through and everything's okay. Yeah right! But it's not like I didn't see it coming. I did. From when the movie began, that is. I could even let the unrealistic happy ending fly since we ARE talking about a movie, but I can't excuse the lightning-strike suddenness with which it came on. It was like they were filming and the camera was about to run out of batteries so they just decided to wrap it up and get it over with quick, rather than come back and do it right after recharging. I'm just watching the movie and suddenly BOOM! Here's a fistful of ending right to the jaw.

Not that I was really complaining by that point. Any ending was fine with me. I just wanted the thing to END.

I can say one good thing about the movie. Wanda Sykes was hilarious as Ruby. If it hadn't been for her I might have had to stick a meat fork through my eyes to let out my frustration with the movie. I came close, even so.

In conclusion, the seven-year-old loved it.

Requiem for a Dream (2000)

Actually an incredibly grim urban fable

[10/10 · 26 May 2006]

I have read a lot of reviews for Requiem For A Dream which complain and grouse about its being "unrealistic" and "only showing the worst case scenario." These people are failing to realize: that is exactly what Aronofsky set out to do.

This is not supposed to be a realistic everyday film (though some of the horrific events therein certainly do happen). The surreal, stylized filming, the bright colors, the fancy camera work, the almost musical-like atmosphere surrounding the whole thing should tip everyone off that this isn't a documentary. Nor is it simply an exploitation fest, hungry for shock-value and nothing more. What this is is a dark, grim fable. It DELIBERATELY seeks out the worst-case scenario, showing everyone just how far drugs can go. The message is, okay maybe this doesn't happen to everyone who does drugs. But KNOWING this can happen, knowing that it is a possibility, why risk it?

Also, everyone who commented that the storyline about the bad doctor giving the old lady speed couldn't happen, you're all fooling yourselves. Many members of my family work in law, many specializing in medical malpractice, and you would not believe when you get into cities like that how many quacks are out there just looking to make a buck. They make their living on the fact that doctors are supposed to examine you thoroughly before dishing out the drugs. Their business IS all the unstable people like poor Sarah Goldfarb who wouldn't pass the mainstream examinations by "good" doctors. They're exactly like the underground plastic surgeons or the administrators of illegal back alley abortions. They're out there, and there are a lot of them. Basically, they are upscale drug-dealers, probably why Aronofsky included one in his film. A subtle contrast. Harry is grungier dealer, but in theory he is exactly like the doctor who destroys his own mother. Different walks of life, same evil. There's an essay topic for an independent film student...

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

Utterly Disgusting

[1/10 · 18 March 2006]

First of all, realize that this comment is coming from a lover of horror movies. The grosser the better. But when I saw The Hills Have Eyes I not only cried, but had to leave briefly to throw up. The violence and gore wasn't the problem. I knew all about that going in and I expected it. I'm talking about all the other sick, twisted stuff thrown into the mix. That's the kind of s*** that's ruining our world. We have a father being burned to death in front of his family, a teenage girl being brutally raped for something like twenty minutes, a young mother being fondled and apparently having her breast milk sucked (wtf???) by a cannibal holding a GUN on her baby, an innocent pet bird having its head bitten off, and so much more. None of that was necessary. The person who wrote it is sick. The director, the producers, the actors who agreed to it, the critics who hailed it, all of these people are sick! They should be institutionalized, not making millions of dollars off this trash. I'm completely appalled.