KaiserBasileus Reviews

Star Trek: Voyager: Dark Frontier (1999) Season 5, Episode 15

unbelievable

[1/10 · 11 July 2023]

Regardless of any other virtues, i just binged to this point and i don't believe the Borg would act that way in any of the various decisions made, i don't believe Seven would act that way in the first place, and i don't believe Janeway either. The characters' decisions don't match their profiles. It's the same arbitrary morality that makes sucky shows suck, mixed with arbitrary characterisation. This isn't the universe i've become familiar with. And i've seen all previous shows.

Arbitrary character requirements are irrelevant.

Arbitrary character requirements are inefficient.

Arbitrary character requirements are stupid.

The Outer Limits: Phobos Rising (1998) Season 4, Episode 24

No way, no how.

[1/10 · 29 January 2022]

If people as rationally unstable as that captain were allowed to be in charge of anything, we'd all be dead for sure, no matter how. I can't buy that the criteria for space captain would ever admit someone who jumps to conclusions so quickly, even under stress.

Spider-Man: Far from Home (2019)

Meh on a platter.

[5/10 · 28 May 2021]

While it's generally enjoyable with good special effects and whatnot, the trope of never knowing what's real wears a hole in the movie in about five minutes, leaving the rest of it flaccid..

Tenet (2020)

totally unbelievable

[2/10 · 7 February 2021]

As soon as he wasn't caught out for saying "eckspresso" instead of "esspresso", i lost all suspension of disbelief.

I'm joking to harp on just one point. There were numerous plot holes that made it just plain unbelievable, even in context of the film.

My largest complaint is that it's just another boring action movie wrapped around a barely plausible sci-fi technology. No thanks. Made for TV at best.

Bagboy (2007)

Nope. no. nononono

[1/10 · 30 January 2021]

I'm sorry to get stuck on this point but, despite it being a watchable movie in general, the fact that their actors bag worse than a bad bagger and they're supposed to be champion baggerss totally ruins the suspension of disbelief, and therefore the entire movie, for me.

Pick any bagging scene and you'll find things tossed in as though the bag was bottomless. No. Just no.

Ator, the Fighting Eagle (1982)

underrated low-budget 80's style barbarian epic

[7/10 · 15 January 2021]

Movies must be judged both on their intent and their capacity. This one obviously spent most of their budget on hiring a bear and on setting, which is about the best they could have done, to add ambience to an otherwise fairly standard plot.

Something's Gotta Give (2003)

watch it, but meh

[6/10 · 29 December 2020]

It's an enjoyable story with interesting characters who were all spoiled by over-acting. And then there's the times where it's got more cheese than Switzerland.

Monsters (2010)

everything but the kitchen sink

[9/10 · 20 December 2020]

If you're looking for a monster movie this isn't it. If you want the distilled essence of a great monster movie crammed into a minor role in a longish suspense drama that ultimately, and momentarily, ends up being a visually magnificent love story - you're in the right place.

If the sequel goes it's own way it could be excellent too. They've got a lot of world-building potential.

The Conversation (1974)

crime "thriller"?

[1/10 · 27 November 2020]

Nothing could be further from the truth. This movie doesn't give any indication of what's going on or why you should care until way too late, if at all (i stopped watching because i literally could not give a single damn about anything happening on the screen).

Bye Bye Birdie (1963)

not what you expect

[7/10 · 27 October 2020]

I don't buy Ann Margaret as a sex symbol.

The ending was unsatisfying and trite.

But the saving grace, is that it's all about a guy who gets rich and gets the girl by doping strangers milk with crystal meth.

The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

very well done for an 80's cartoon

[8/10 · 20 October 2020]

The animation sucks and everything else is pretty good.

...by which i mean, the movement isn't fluid, but the sound design and voice acting, the layering, the art, the storyline, the flow, all were very presentable. In the end whether you'll like it might depend on whether you reminisce about sitting in front of a console tv with a bowl of cereal on Saturday mornings growing up.

The Blackcoat's Daughter (I) (2015)

Why bother?

[1/10 · 7 October 2020]

Halfway through now and i have no idea what's going on and no reason to care. It's not "suspense" when nothing is happening at all. Even if the movie is amazing from here out, 5 stars is the max it can deserve for wasting an hour my time. The only reason i'm not deleting it unfinished is because i'm stupid about finishing what i start.

Bloodshot (2020)

cookie cutter AF

[2/10 · 29 September 2020]

The only thing unexpected in the entire movie is that he didn't get the girl until the sequel

My Dinner with Andre (1981)

Guff

[3/10 · 30 July 2020]

To be specific, pseudo-random, quasi-poetic guff.

In other words, much ado about nothing. Save your time, if not your money.

The Little Panda Fighter (2008 Video)

Better than the average action flick

[7/10 · 27 July 2020]

The story is entertaining, written Way better than a lot of stuff that gets a-list reviews these days, and the voice acting is remarkable for the apparently sub-zero budget. The animation sucks really badly, but it gets the job of telling the story done. If your kid make it you'd be exceptionally proud. If you did it with no resources to speak of, you'd be proud.

Don't judge this by normal movie standards, it can't be that, and doesn't try to be that. Does the story entertain? More than the average multi-million dollar action flick.

Game of Thrones (2011–2019)

Barely better than average

[6/10 · 7 July 2020]

While the budget was good and there were lots of interesting story points, the plot was convoluted as hell, there were plot holes everywhere, and major parts of the story simply come and go without cause (dire wolves, raising the dead, giants, magic, dragons, anyone?). If any of those things were known to be real at any time they'd instantly become the focus of all power-struggles. Also, people don't change character traits from good to evil over and over. Basically, i never discovered why i should care about these people doing these things and by the end i knew that even if the books were amazing, the TV show was absolutely not.

The Outer Limits: In the Blood (2001) Season 7, Episode 11

Excellent idea, terrible execution.

[1/10 · 21 March 2020]

Leaving aside the plot which had enormous metaphysical potential, they simply don't let people that unstable travel in space, much less for humanity-effecting purposes. The decisions made were not actually dramatic at all, they were a product of her imagination and a completely INSANE ability to make decisions based on no evidence whatsoever. Only the captain even tried to resist this course of action and no one spoke up about it being complete conjecture. Letting people with this level of intellectual and epistemological credulity take charge of Anything itself an insane idea. The potential of the plot was ruined by the childish beliefs and actions of the crew. This is not believable or reasonable in any sense.

Wonder Woman: IRAC Is Missing (1978) Season 2, Episode 17

No, just no.

[1/10 · 23 February 2020]

This episode doesn't offer even the most elementary understanding of how computers work, which is a crime because it would have been just as easy to get it right.

8½ (1963)

Why?

[3/10 · 25 December 2019]

After having watched 10 minutes, i don't know why i'd bother watching 11. The fact that it got Oscars and nominations and such makes me curious but i expect to have to lower my review to zero if it doesn't completely change course. There are two kinds of art films, those that tell a story, and those that suck.

The Holiday (2006)

meh

[3/10 · 6 October 2019]

The characters and situations are parodies of themselves. It's sickly sweet with an exaggerated rom-com trope peeking through the cracks in every scene. It's filmed exactly like a romance novel is written, which is completely unbelievable on the big screen. The story is only barely interesting enough to follow. I want my $0 back!

High Life (2018)

WTF did i just watch?!

[5/10 · 27 September 2019]

Five stars because it was interesting to watch, now here's the rub - I have no idea how any part of what i just saw has to do with any other part of what i just saw. It's not really a movie so much as the ramblings of a semi-coherent person.

Dancer in the Dark (2000)

Ridiculously watchable

[8/10 · 19 September 2019]

By any standard metrics this movie should be a disaster but after you get over the initial shock of it being a musical it's a deep and moving drama with so much feels it's hard to express. There's a whole movie interspersed with whole music videos, each of which plays perfectly off of the other. I wouldn't recommend this for just anyone but if it sounds like the sort of thing you're into, i promise you won't be disappointed.

John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum (2019)

Certified badass isn't enough.

[3/10 · 30 August 2019]

I've just started watching and already it sucks. The book fight isn't badass, isn't an interesting concept, and wouldn't work out that way at all because physics. Can it get any worse? Do i care?

The Holy Mountain (1973)

Interesting nonsense.

[2/10 · 18 July 2019]

Unless you're high, and i mean very very high, avoid this title like the plague. It's full of interesting imagery and makes no sense on any level.

A Walk in the Clouds (1995)

It should have stayed a book.

[4/10 · 9 February 2019]

It's an interesting story but most of the show-piece scenes come off as beyond contrived and Keanu isn't made for this sort of role at all.