Gabriel_Kuntze Reviews

The Strangers (2008)

A disaster of epic proportions

[2/10 · 22 April 2024]

Oh man, this film was unbelievable. It's like they took all the clichés of horror movies, put them together into a blender, and then threw them into a poorly conceived story in which the main characters are a bunch of hysterical morons. The sad thing is that they're not even stupid funny like in FRIDAY THE 13TH, where they're supposed to act idiotic so we cheer as they get disposed of. No, THE STRANGERS takes itself very seriously, supposedly mimicking a real-life situation, and yet we have things like victims splitting apart for no reason, girl twisting her ankle, the phone won't work, bad people with scary masks, a friend mistaken for a bad guy, jump scares, false jump scares, and the list goes on and on.

Non-existent soundtrack, random sound effects meant as cheap shocks, and worst of all, the movie has shaky camera for its entire run, as if a drunk chimpanzee filmed it. I almost vomited. Make sure you have Dramamine ready before watching this film - or better yet, don't watch it at all.

I gave it two stars because at one point I managed to get a glimpse of Liv Tyler's legs.

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

The Room of horror movies

[2/10 · 21 August 2023]

So I happened to catch this one on cable last night and decided to watch it since I previously had the chance to read some reviews and everyone was laughing at how bad this movie was.

They were right. Oh God, they were so right.

I caught the movie at 20 minutes in but had no trouble understanding the main plot. This chick gets kidnapped and tortured, then she's found, but she claims to be someone else - a girl named Dakota, instead of the supposedly Aubrey. So far, so good.

The movie becomes a crime drama with FBI agents and stuff like that, who for some reason treat the victim horribly. They yell, threaten, and keep her confined as if she had anything to do with the crime of cutting herself - even worse, they assume she's suffering from some form of trauma, yet they get angry because she's lying to them, about... stuff. Along the way, we get extremely awkward and boring striptease scenes that serve no purpose whatsoever, except to show some of Lohan's skin.

The crime drama takes a turn rather quickly when we start to see awful gore scenes that, just like the striptease, go on forever. Apparently, Dakota claims she received her wounds out of nowhere while meeting mysterious characters along the way we never get explanations of.

Afterward, she returns home to her supposed family, where more drama ensues, receives a robotic arm and foot for that sweet ARMY OF DARKNESS effect, and Aubrey's boyfriend shows up. And what do they do? Well, have an immediate long wild sex session in your parent's-in-law house so they can hear you, of course! What, isn't that what you do as soon as you find your missing girlfriend who just got tortured and amputated, and may be suffering from severe trauma?

Please, kill me.

The story continues with more awful "sexy" and gore scenes that pad the whole thing and serve no purpose to the plot whatsoever. Eventually, Dakota starts to have visions and realizes that Aubrey was adopted and they're twin sisters. Because you see, whatever happens to Aubrey, happens to Dakota, because that's what goes on with twins. She compels Aubrey's father to go find her because now she knows where she is, avoiding the police of course (why would you need them when going after a dangerous murderer?) and we get the reveal of who the bad guy is: an individual I have never seen before! Oh my!

Yes, I know, it was Aubrey's piano teacher, who shows up for a few scenes at the beginning of the movie and is never referred to again. I was supposed to be surprised at the reveal, but I was more mystified about the fact that the bad guy ties Dakota with a rope with only one hand since his other one was cut off by her. I have no idea how he accomplished that, but at least gave me a good chuckle.

The movie ends with Dakota finding her sister and surviving. Oh, and the father dies, the movie doesn't explain how; he's just lying on a table and closes his eyes.

It's very obvious that the director tried to copy the likes of Lynch and others, but failed miserably. There are so many cliches that it becomes hilarious: ooooh, thunderstorms! Scary! The bad guy sharpening his tool! Oh my, that's new! Blood everywhere, aaaahhh!

Most of the situations in the movie serve no purpose to the plot, and it's padded by random scenes of sex and violence. Characters show up and vanish completely when the script demands it, like a child playing with his toys and making the story as he goes.

One extra point because of the owl that shows up, because I love owls, and the Art Bell cameo. The rest is garbage of the worst quality, it honestly feels like THE ROOM of horror movies, but desperately needs its own Tommy Wiseau.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (2023)

A pleasant surprise!

[9/10 · 10 July 2023]

Against my better judgement, I went to see the new installment of Indy. I hated the fourth one when it came out; over the years, I learned to like it a little bit more, but it's still pretty bad. The fifth one was, to my surprise, an excellent movie. I left the cinema with a huge smile, something that hasn't happened in years.

The director, thankfully NOT Steven Spielberg, who lost his charm a long time ago, knew what went wrong with THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL, and made sure to fix it all. No stupid Shia LaBeouf, no aliens nonsense, not uncalled-for CGI, no random atomic blasts, no triple-crossing worthless agents, and Indy this time is not a superhero.

In fact, I loved how they acknowledge the reality of his age. They made nice references to his previous adventures, and he actually cares about the death of his friends. I felt as if this movie was the most serious of the bunch, if that makes any sense. The story is engaging and with a nice ending. The time travel stuff was handled properly, with a great paradox involved. And overall, the adventure is strong.

Absolutely recommended. I dare to say, in terms of quality and entertainment value, it's on par with RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.

Renfield (2023)

Who's the target audience for this?

[7/10 · 21 June 2023]

If you're a fan of the original DRACULA, then you'll probably enjoy the first half of the movie. They made a huge effort in recreating plenty of scenes with Nick Cage added in; they're hilarious and nostalgic.

Sadly, I felt the action was way too fast, I barely managed to keep up with the images and dialog at the same time. It feels as if they weren't sure which one was their target audience: hyperactive TikTok teenagers, or old-school moviegoers. So what you get is a mixed bag of fast-paced action, gothic scenery straight from the 30s, and an awful plot about self-improvement and toxic relationships.

Yes, my main gripe with the film: it dwells too much on this part, almost as if it's the entire plot. Forget Dracula or Renfield, this movie is about toxic relationships and how to overcome them. Uh? After a while, I thought I was watching some random Instagram channel.

Apart from that, the movie is entertaining enough, and it seems that they took Cage and told him "here, go nuts". If you're a fan of that actor, you're in for a treat; sadly, he's not that prominent on the screen, but when he does, oh goody. The rest of the film is the previously mentioned silly plot, with a lot of insanely bad gore. I mean, it's hilarious and fun, but the blood looked like jelly, even games from PS4 have better blood than that.

Recommended for fans of the original DRACULA for some nostalgia shots, and if you're looking for a quick, bizarrely violent, and fun movie. It's really short too!

Angel Heart (1987)

Reminds me of Gabriel Knight

[7/10 · 17 April 2023]

Excellent part from Mickey Rourke, the first time I see him like this. De Niro hams it up, and he ends up being way too cheesy for such a serious movie. Like every film noir, you'll end up sad and depressed, but the mystery is quite engaging, and I was never bored.

Sadly, I thought it was way too predictable, and they went way too far with the metaphors. On occasions they tried to te profound, and end up being unintentionally funny, especially when De Niro shows up. I'm still trying to understand the first scene's relation with the rest of the film. It seems to serve only to set the tone, but there was a million different ways to do it, all which make much more sense than a random dead woman in an alley being smelled by a dog.

For those who played it, it reminded me a lot of the game Gabriel Knight. Although that story is way better.

Recommended!

Fractured (I) (2019)

Ruined by the ending

[4/10 · 20 March 2023]

During a road trip, the daughter of a couple suffers an accident and has to be taken quickly to a hospital to treat her broken arm. The father waits for both her and his wife, yet they never return. Soon enough, he founds himself entangled in a conspiracy of massive proportions, meant to carry a ring of illegal body organs. He will have to fight not only the authorities, but also the hospital staff who is trying to confuse him into believing a different story about his missing family.

Does this sounds like an interesting and fun plot? If it does, then stay away from this piece of garbage, because it will take a dump on that story with the most predictable, cliched, and lame ending ever.

Good acting and scenarios. Other than that, skip this garbage because you'll end up pissed off, like me right now.

Dogma (1999)

Entertaining cringefest

[6/10 · 30 January 2023]

The premise caught my attention immediately, but something that confused me at first was that new characters were introduced all the time, with little explanation of who they were, until they decided to spend 10 minutes of exposition telling their personal life.

Linda Fiorentino is dull as a blank wall, but she's too hot for me to care. The rest of the cast is barely noticeable, with the exception of Alan Rickman, who perfectly knows how to make the transition from a serious to a funny scene.

And I think here lies my main issue with the movie: for a moment it tries to be a drama, and then it turns into the most cringe comedy you can possibly imagine. The theological discussions are superficial, and anyways they have been done to death by now. Other issues are barely addressed, like euthanasia and abortion. Half of the dialog are F bombs.

I felt as if the movie had the potential to be an amazing epic and religious story, with humorous touches, but they were too focused on trying to land the next joke about joints. Azrael is so useless that I wonder why is he even there. Discussions about Jesus' origins and God's gender are made with extreme banality, which leads me to the ending...

We are finally able to see God, played by Alanis Morissette, but she acts like she had some kind of mental problem. I understand that they were trying to show her with a sense of humour, but what does that has to be with trying to stand in her hands by a tree and falling? Does she has the mind of a 5 year old? Not to mention, that awful Karate Kid reference, ugh.

On the other hand, why Bethany resurrects, and then gets pregnant? Since when God intervene in the affairs of mortals like that? There's tragedies all the time, but this one in particular had to be resolved so they could deliver a happy ending.

Having said that, I thought it was a very entertaining movie, with good special effects; unfortunately, the music doesn't work sometimes, it sounds as if it's taken from a teen adventure movie. It gave me a few chuckles, although some scenes forced me to look elsewhere of how ridiculous they were, like the one where the Prophets are introduced, with is almost cartoonish. You can remove 20 minutes of the movie and it wouldn't change at all, it's unnecessary long.

Recommended if you don't have anything else to watch.

Hardcore (1979)

A journey through the world of perversion

[8/10 · 23 January 2023]

A couple of years ago I saw 8MM and learned about this movie, which supposedly served as an inspiration. It's true, they're both very similar. The plot is different, but the essence is pretty much the same. A regular man gets involved in the sleazy world of pornography, where he discovers the worst of mankind.

In this case, the point is taken to the extreme, because they spend like 10 minutes making sure we understand that the main character is a devout, religious man. Therefore, the impact of seeing his daughter in a porno movie is greater: indeed, we see him go nuts in the cinema, with the memorable shout of "turn it off!!!".

We can see Jake, the protagonist, slowly become entrapped in this world. An usually calm and respectful man, he resorts to violence in more than one occasion, product of his disgust and frustration, and we suffer alongside him. The way he finally manages to get to his daughter back is well done, although I do have two major complaints regarding this part of the movie.

First, the ending is rushed. We don't see the aftermath nor the consequences of his crusade, and everything basically wraps up in a matter of minutes; not to mention, we don't know what happens to Niki, the prostitute who he enrolls to help him. Second, his daughter pretty much tells him that she did it willingly because he never loved her. The problem I have with this, is that we never see this lack of love. Quite the contrary, in fact. At the beginning he seems to be a loving and caring father, so it was a little bit jarring to have her say that.

Still, it's a very powerful and entertaining movie. The lack of explicit violence or sex, except some boobs here and there, actually makes it more profound, instead of exploitative, like 8MM.

Very recommended!

The Three Stooges (2000 TV Movie)

An entertaining and very emotive movie

[8/10 · 28 December 2022]

I always enjoyed watching THE THREE STOOGES shorts, they're even still on the air on some channels here. This tv movie tells the story of the group, mostly in flashbacks, with all its sadness and triumph. The actors are all superb, but sadly the narrative is a little bit disjointed. One minute you're in one year, and the next you're 20 in the future, without any on screen indication. Some events are told way too quickly, like the passing of Shemp, and the incorporation of Curly's replacement.

Also, there's a lot of recreated shorts. I mean, I love watching them, but they serve no purpose on the movie. Being that its running time is limited, they could've used all that time to tell us a little bit more about the persons behind the characters.

Still, an entertaining and very emotive movie, even if you're not familiar with the trio.

The Best Offer (2013)

Watch it if you like paintings

[6/10 · 7 December 2022]

While the performance of Geoffrey Rush is amazing as usual, the rest of the cast just falls flat. The "twist ending" can be seen from a mile away, and it's simply way too removed from common sense to actually surprise you. Is it a romance movie? Crime, mystery? Who knows! Just put it in every genre and fool the viewer.

Aesthetically the movie looks gorgeous, as it should be since it's a movie that revolves around art, but the characters are impossible to believe. From instantly cured agoraphobic chicks to Mary Sue english engineers, nobody is remotely believable.

The main character, as I said, is played flawlessly, but the script is just all over the place - I mean, he's supposed to be extremely observant, yet he can't figure out what's going on. Not to mention, the automaton plot is completely unnecessary: you can pretty much remove it and it won't change the movie at all. Red herring at its best.

You will end up with more questions than answers. Watch it if you like paintings.

Brain Damage (1988)

Total insanity!

[8/10 · 5 December 2022]

What can you say about this crazy movie? It screams 80's at every corner. The music, the overall look, the mix between comedy and horror, and the cheesy puppet. You cheer every time Elmer shows up and starts talking with that smooth voice, even when he's supposed to be the bad guy. But as Tom Servo would say, "he's not bad, he's just misunderstood". I wish we knew more about this mysterious creature, there's a plethora of stories to tell about it.

The characters are kinda bland but still, the main protagonist is awesome, you're totally invested in his fall into addiction and madness. The only thing that I believe it lacks it's a proper ending. It kinda seems like the director just ran out of ideas or budget and decided to end the thing right there, which is a shame.

The Disaster Artist (2017)

Celebrating friendship

[9/10 · 5 December 2022]

I think we all know THE ROOM. Personally, I don't think it's that bad, I've seen much worse. The only particularly weird thing about it is Tommy himself, who appears to be from another planet, or maybe another dimension - without him, the movie would be just another crappy drama. THE DISASTER ARTIST explores the making of the film and the inspiration behind it, in a very kind and funny way. I never felt like they were mocking the wooden duo, but rather celebrating them and their friendship. In many ways, this movie felt a lot like ED WOOD, although I prefer the latter, even when it's less accurate.

Overall, a great movie. I honestly didn't realize it was James Franco until halfway the movie, which is a testament of the transformation the actor (and director!) went through for this particular role. Recommended for both fans of THE ROOM, and for those who haven't watched it yet, because they will certainly will feel compelled to do it.

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Fun but forgettable

[7/10 · 5 December 2022]

I try to avoid reboots but decided to give this one a chance, since, like MAD MAX II, it was made by George Miller. I gotta say, the guy did a great job, although there are some problems with this movie. First, there's no plot. Like, at all. It's not until 60 minutes in, when they meet the biker grannies, when something resembling a plot starts to show, but there's not much else that "they escape from point A, reach point B, and go back to point A". That's right: the first hour is nothing more than a big, huge, crazy car chase.

Along the way we have very little character development, enough for us to care for the characters. Max barely talks, although I think Tom Hardy did a good work trying to emulate Mel Gibson. Charlize Theron kicks ass and she's probably the best of the bunch, honestly the movie would fall apart without her commanding and empathic presence.

One thing I absolutely loved about this movie it's the looks. Every character is completely different, and it tells a story of its own; hell, you could make spinoffs of pretty much everyone involved, even the guitar guy. The rigs are pure badass and the practical effects are amazing; it's only when they use CGI that the movie starts to look like a videogame, like when they go into the thunderstorm.

You'll find plenty of nods to MAD MAX II, like the musical box, Max's broken leg, the failing shotgun, and even the Gyro Captain skull, all which show the love of its creator., and may bring you for a second viewing. A very fun movie, but you'll probably forget about it the following week.

Fermat's Room (2007)

Too much drama, not enough mathematics

[7/10 · 5 December 2022]

This spanish movie start really good. The characters are clearly defined, and the mystery hooks you in really quickly. Despite its low budget, the single room trick works really well, as it quickly turns from a nice and cozy place to a death trap, and basically that's all you need.

Sadly, the resolution of the movie doesn't make much sense, and to be honest the whole plot is overly complicated, I'm not going to get into details in order to avoid spoilers. My main gripe is that the movie doesn't exploit the mathematicians enough, you barely know what the extent of their skills are and the riddles aren't all really... mathematics. Still, they get you on your toes, which it's what they're for, so they do the job.

It's a rather short movie so it's good for a quick and fun ride, check it out.

Looper (2012)

The synopsis is misleading

[6/10 · 5 December 2022]

What starts as an interesting time travel ordeal, it crashes into another completely different movie in less than an hour. Don't watch this expecting another PREDESTINATION, this is trash. When you try to unravel the plot it falls apart so bad that is hilarious, it literally looks as if they lost the script and had to find a new one - it reminds me a lot of what I felt with HANCOCK. See that synopsis in the main page? I kid you not, it has nothing to do with the main story.

If you can deal with the fact that in this world the mob can't get rid of a body but can travel in time to do it, even when in a scene we clearly see them killing Joe's wife without many issues, and they still go through the trouble of "disposing" him. Did they forget they have another body lying there? Oh well. If you can deal with these blunders, it's nevertheless a fun movie. Good ol' Bruce still got it, and even when it's completely unnecessary, he shoots people, because that's what he does.

If you don't have anything else to do, give it a watch, but otherwise stick to better time travel or gangster films.

Memoirs of an Invisible Man (1992)

The human behind the superpower

[7/10 · 5 December 2022]

I rewatched this movie last night and it still holds up. It's a really engaging tale about what would really be if one became invisible. All the logical problems arise, and the human behind the "superpower" becomes more human than ever. The look of the bandages and black trenchcoat is a nice homage to the original THE INVISIBLE MAN from 1933. Great special effects, although the direction from Carpenter doesn't really shows.

I'm not a follower of Chevy Chase but he plays his part with a lot of conviction, sometimes you can suffer alongside him. Daryl Hannah is boring and looks like a lifeless doll through the movie, but she serves her purpose. Sam Neill is awesome as usual, I can honestly say that he carries the whole movie. I wish there were more movies like this, but with other powers. HANCOCK made a good try but failed miserably due to a convoluted script.

Recommended!

Limitless (I) (2011)

Apparently the pill gave him intelligence but not imagination.

[7/10 · 29 November 2022]

While the concept is kinda silly from start, since that myth of "we only use 10% of our brain" has been proved wrong a long time ago, it's interesting nevertheless. The problem is that the main character seem to act like an idiot for most of the movie, he definitely doesn't act like a super smart person. Why would he get in touch with a shark loan and forget to pay? Why didn't he secured a steady supply of the pill right away, instead of depending on the dealer? Why would he get in touch with shady characters at all, when he can do anything by himself?

My biggest gripe is that they don't really explore what a man that smart could do. Instead of finding cures for diseases, new forms of energy, or discoveries we can't even imagine, he just bang chicks and gets into the stock market. Apparently the pill gave him intelligence but not imagination.

Anyway, apart from these flaws, and a terrible feel-good ending that makes no sense, the movie is entertaining enough, and it's well acted. It also has some crazy camera effects that make you feel like you're on the pill also, which is nicely done. Check it out!

The Usual Suspects (1995)

What can I say about this movie that hasn't been said already?

[9/10 · 22 November 2022]

What can I say about this movie that hasn't been said already? It's an absolute classic, even when, after repeated viewings, I realize more and more that it's nothing but a one-trick pony. Still, it's strangely compelling, and I'm always waiting for that ending to come again. For some reason, I feel it different every time, as if I keep finding clues that I missed in my last watch.

Kevin Spacey is great on this one, you end up feeling sorry for the guy at some point. The rest of the characters make a beautiful team, and I wish we had a little more banter between them. Especially by the Benicio del Toro character, who's totally nuts.

The movie looks great, especially considering its budget. The actions scenes are nicely done, it has awesome shots of the sun above the river and the city, disturbing flashbacks scenes, and cool dialog. The duration is perfect, it doesn't go overboard.

A must see!

Parasite (2019)

Incredibly Overrated

[2/10 · 11 September 2022]

I wanted to watch this thing after all the raving reviews, and now I'm angry, because I hated this movie. I couldn't stand the main cast, the rich family was actually quite pleasant, I wanted to know more about them, they seemed like nice people.

Boring, long, and it wasn't nearly as funny as everybody says. While it did had some nice shots, mainly during the flooding scenes, the rest is the same locations over and over. I don't even remember if it had music.

A lot of stuff hapenning was way too far fetched. Apparently this family of people who can't fold a pizza box becomes a team of master scammers in a week, and then proceed to make the most absurd decisions ever nonstop, fueled by greed and resentment.

The reason behind Kim's final crime still eludes me. I know it has to do with the whole "crossing the line" and "odor" thing, but come on... that's his breaking point? It's not even like Park Hoon said it to his face, he actually kept it for himself when he could've just fired him at the spot.

I simply never felt like he was actually a bad guy, he looked like an honest, hard working, family man. I simply couldn't see the "discrimination" from him, when he actually hires everyone without even checking their backgrounds, and is willing to pay them handsomely. It's not even like he exploits them or anything.

Many lines seemed to be there for no reason. At the end, Kim expresses remorse for his crime, yet we never see him redeem himself, nor repent in any other form, like turning himself in. Then why leave the line there? Same thing happened when the mother of the kid tells the story of the ghost. At this point we know is the guy living in the basement, so what's the point of the story now? Wouldn't be better to tell it before that revelation, so it comes as a bigger surprise? What was the whole point of the Morse code from the husband, if the kid never tells anything? I get that it helps with the resolution, but Kim could've gotten to that idea by himself.

I think it's beyond overrated, it has way too many holes, it's boring, and the message is just not that deep. I'm so tired of the whole "rich people are evil because they have money and therefore do evil things" stuff. Just take your Oscars and get away from my face.

Unsane (2018)

Really bad, the script is the worst part

[3/10 · 13 November 2021]

What sounded like a great promise, falls apart very quickly due to an extremely poor script. First of all, the movie looks awful, because it was filmed with an iPhone so it looks artsy fartsy I guess. The angles are terrible, the quality is grainy and crappy, and everyone looks like they're covered in dark makeup. Simply dreadful. The music is also unbereable, it's completely detached from the supposedly serious experience the main character is having.

Now, the story is about this chick who gets stalked and then moves out of town to avoid this creepy dude. She develops super fears and then she goes into a consultant to "get cured". While she's there, she signs some papers which they tell her they're rutine, but turns out she voluntarily put herself in a mental institution.

At first, like the synopsis says, we're led to believe that she actually does have psychological issues, but in a matter of minutes she casually finds her stalker working in the facility. There's no doubt about it, you never believe that she imagined him or that he never stalked her in the first place, it's spelled out right in your face - he is, in fact, her stalker, and he's there specifically for her. Of course no one believes her and then it's all this ridiculous story of her trying to get out of the place because it's "an insurance scam", as one guy inside explains.

The rest of the movie is her doing the most idiotic things ever in the most unbelievable hospital in existence. The worst part is when she gets a picture of her friend tortured by her stalker. It's basically the perfect proof of everything she was saying, but instead of going calmly to report it, she goes in crazy mode, starts screaming and attacking everyone, and then gets sedated. This stalker guy has more resources than McGuiver also, he can kill people all he wants and nobody ever finds out, not to mention he has almost godhood level of medicine skills.

Terrible movie all around, the acting is ok but honestly the main lead is annoying as hell. Skip it unless you want to get really angry at yourself for wasting precious time and money.

11:14 (2003)

Same Night, Different Angles

[7/10 · 23 July 2021]

A rather short and quick movie, although the synopsis, and especially the tags, are a little misleading. There isn't much of a story to tell or a mystery to solve, but more like a gimmick to show you how much related a bunch of random events can be, and how much a simple action can change the course of other people's events.

It is well told and the ending makes you go "oooh, so that's what happened", basically connecting every dot with no room for loose ends. Revealing parts of the plot would give too much away, and I think it's best enjoyed with the constant discovery of each point of view.

Low budget, but well filmed, you never miss anything and the sound is great too, which is something I usually see it failing in movies like this. The actors are all pretty good, I especially loved Cheri as the manipulative chick who starts to see her sweet plan fall apart and has to think fast to put it back together.

Definitely a fun ride, check it out.

Dimensions (I) (2011)

Barely scifi, barely about time travel

[3/10 · 16 May 2021]

Don't be fooled by the tags: it's barely scifi, and it barely deals with time travel. I'm going to say the only good thing right off the bat: the movie looks great, in picture quality, scenery, wardrobe, and chicks. Sadly, the music is nothing but a single tune of a piano constantly, and it's depressing. Other stuff are simply hilarious: a girl goes alone to a bar and asks for a gin tonic, while the bartender, also a woman, says "it's one of those days, uh?". In Cambridge. In 1930. Seriously?

All right, the bad: everything else. The movie starts with two boys and a girl who are very best friends, the girl dies in an accident and the boys blame themselves. Before this, they're visited by a mysterious old man who gives them a lecture about time travel and the fourth dimension. All this takes 40 minutes of the movie, and I'm no joking. I was so incredibly bored that I honestly wanted to shut it off, but I endured, because in enduring, grow strong. I inmediatly knew who the old man was, as anyone with the smalles experience in time travel movies would, but I decided not to dwell too much on it...

So, the movie goes on 15 years later, the main guy is obsessed with time travel and giving lectures about it and saying with 99% certainty that the future can't be changed, no matter how far you travel to the past (mind you, he uses the same techniques the old man gave him). He meets a nice girl who becomes his helper, he manages to build the machine but gets stolen by his jealous childhood friend / cousin, an evil mal with money (he has money, therefore he's evil and do evil stuff) uses it and becomes trapped in it in which is probably the only good scene in the entire movie. More drama, more boring stuff about love, at the very end of the movie he finally uses the machine with his cousing and travel back in time, revealing that the old man... OMG IT WAS HIM ALL ALONG!!11 I NEVER EXPECTED THAT!!11111

Besides the preditable ending, I was laughing at the huge plot hole they left there. While the paradox of him travelling in time, using the same teachings he gave himself as a child by travelling in time, is nice (handled a million times better in PREDESTINATION though), he spends the whole movie trying to convice everyone that changing the future is impossible. Yet, in the final scene, he "saves" his childhood friend from dying by changing the events - apparently, it was a different timeline or something, but it's not the same visit from the beginning of the movie.

So, to sum it up: he visits and teachs himself in one timeline, but the he does it again in another one but here he saves his friend. Why not doing it from the go and saves us from this film? The movie contradicts itself in a silly way, and I was pissed off about waiting all this time for such a terribad ending.

Whatever, skip this one unless you like big dramas about love.

Hobgoblins (1988)

It stinks, no matter how you look at it

[1/10 · 6 May 2021]

Wow, what can you say about this? It was clearly made completely aware of its own crappyness, which kinda takes away the fun for me. I mean, they deliberately made this film to be as ridiculous and cheesy as possible, so of course the result will be this incoherent mess.

The puppets are most of the times just static, and when they jump on people the actors (and I use that term very loosely) grab them and shake them as if they were attacked, it's just dreadful. The plot is beyond stupid, the whole bar scene last forever, and all the characters are a disgrace. You really can't put this movie in any genre also, because it fails in every level imaginable. I don't think a single person dies in the whole movie, not even the guy who gets completely engulfed in flames, so even the synopsis is a lie.

This movie is terrible, and honestly, I don't mean it in a so-bad-it's-good kind of way, because for me, in order for that to happen, the director has to be honest in the first place. BIRDEMIC and JACK-O are good examples of this, they really tried, but luckily for us, failed miserably. HOBGOBLINS is just a bad rip off of GREMLINS meant as a cash grab, taking advantage of the bad movies cult. The trivia even confirms that the director personally contacted the MST3K crew so they showed one of his films, but eventually sent them this one.

Avoid this crap unless it's in the MST3K format, because to be fair the episode was truly hilarious.

The Martian (2015)

What lacks in character development, compensates in visuals

[6/10 · 6 May 2021]

An interesting movie, but not very original to be honest. While I cannot discuss the science behind it, although I assume it must be somewhat correct since NASA helped, they failed miserably in the psychological side of the story.

At no point our hero shows us the despair of being stranded alone in a planet deadly for any form of life. In fact, it seems like he's having some kind of vacation in there. Only at the end it kinda shows some emotion, the rest of the time it's like "lol disco music". MOON captured this a million times better.

While I do appreciate the fact that everything seems to go wrong, most of the problems are solved inmediately by some conveniently placed object: duct tape, a piece of plastic, whatever. Mark is not just a botanist, but also an engineer, electrician, chemist, surgeon, and anything else the plot requires. The guy has more knowledge than Wikipedia, it's amazing.

Still, an entertaining movie, although it's longer than necessary. The Mars landscape is gorgeus!

Blue Velvet (1986)

Is this supposed to be serious?

[4/10 · 25 March 2021]

Why do I this to myself? The premise sounded really good, since I love murder mysteries, but too late I realized it was a David Lynch movie. This was my first experience with that director, and the only good thing I got from it was to dismiss my curiosity about TWIN PEAKS, because it says it was inspired by this movie.

Let's see... first, and most importantly, it fails as a mystery. The plot is constantly padded by the whole sexual thing between Jeffrey and Dorothy, which makes no sense at all. By the end I couldn't care less about her husband, since she clearly never gave a damn about him either (your partner is missing and you go and get laid with some random guy in your home? Sure...). And the kid, well, if it wasn't because they showed him at the end, I would've believed he never existed in the first place.

I waited for a cool twist at the end to salvage the whole thing but it never came, instead the corrupt cop stood there somehow dead but moving, I don't know. We never get straight answers about the main premise of the movie, instead the focus is on the "romantic" part, and I use the term very loosely because it's more twisted than anything.

Nobody acts like normal human beings. The ones who aren't completely bonkers are more robotic than the bird at the end. Who the hell talks like that? "I can't figure out if you're a detective or a pervert", "that's a human ear all right", "why are there people like Frank?", and other stupid lines that seems to come from someone who never talked to another person or had any kind of experiences in life. The decisions the characters make are completely crazy: why would you agree to sneak into someone else's apartment just like that? Why Dorothy never called the police when her family was missing? Why nobody ever tried to stop Frank and his gang going 100mph all night?

Speaking of the characters, it's like a parade of weirdos. I've read that Frank is supposed to be scary and disturbing, but I find Dennis Hopper over-the-top acting actually hilarious. Buffalo Bill would look at this guy with a confused expression. What's up with the air thingy? What the hell I'm watching right now? It's this a spoof and somehow I didn't get it?

I could keep on and on ranting but it's pointless, it's David Lynch. Everyone is going to praise it as a masterpiece just for the name. To me, it's artsy garbage that failed to entertain and thrill me, and its unnecesary long running time made it worse. Extra points because at least it has some cool music.