So I happened to catch this one on cable last night and decided to watch it since I previously had the chance to read some reviews and everyone was laughing at how bad this movie was.
They were right. Oh God, they were so right.
I caught the movie at 20 minutes in but had no trouble understanding the main plot. This chick gets kidnapped and tortured, then she's found, but she claims to be someone else - a girl named Dakota, instead of the supposedly Aubrey. So far, so good.
The movie becomes a crime drama with FBI agents and stuff like that, who for some reason treat the victim horribly. They yell, threaten, and keep her confined as if she had anything to do with the crime of cutting herself - even worse, they assume she's suffering from some form of trauma, yet they get angry because she's lying to them, about... stuff. Along the way, we get extremely awkward and boring striptease scenes that serve no purpose whatsoever, except to show some of Lohan's skin.
The crime drama takes a turn rather quickly when we start to see awful gore scenes that, just like the striptease, go on forever. Apparently, Dakota claims she received her wounds out of nowhere while meeting mysterious characters along the way we never get explanations of.
Afterward, she returns home to her supposed family, where more drama ensues, receives a robotic arm and foot for that sweet ARMY OF DARKNESS effect, and Aubrey's boyfriend shows up. And what do they do? Well, have an immediate long wild sex session in your parent's-in-law house so they can hear you, of course! What, isn't that what you do as soon as you find your missing girlfriend who just got tortured and amputated, and may be suffering from severe trauma?
Please, kill me.
The story continues with more awful "sexy" and gore scenes that pad the whole thing and serve no purpose to the plot whatsoever. Eventually, Dakota starts to have visions and realizes that Aubrey was adopted and they're twin sisters. Because you see, whatever happens to Aubrey, happens to Dakota, because that's what goes on with twins. She compels Aubrey's father to go find her because now she knows where she is, avoiding the police of course (why would you need them when going after a dangerous murderer?) and we get the reveal of who the bad guy is: an individual I have never seen before! Oh my!
Yes, I know, it was Aubrey's piano teacher, who shows up for a few scenes at the beginning of the movie and is never referred to again. I was supposed to be surprised at the reveal, but I was more mystified about the fact that the bad guy ties Dakota with a rope with only one hand since his other one was cut off by her. I have no idea how he accomplished that, but at least gave me a good chuckle.
The movie ends with Dakota finding her sister and surviving. Oh, and the father dies, the movie doesn't explain how; he's just lying on a table and closes his eyes.
It's very obvious that the director tried to copy the likes of Lynch and others, but failed miserably. There are so many cliches that it becomes hilarious: ooooh, thunderstorms! Scary! The bad guy sharpening his tool! Oh my, that's new! Blood everywhere, aaaahhh!
Most of the situations in the movie serve no purpose to the plot, and it's padded by random scenes of sex and violence. Characters show up and vanish completely when the script demands it, like a child playing with his toys and making the story as he goes.
One extra point because of the owl that shows up, because I love owls, and the Art Bell cameo. The rest is garbage of the worst quality, it honestly feels like THE ROOM of horror movies, but desperately needs its own Tommy Wiseau.
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