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Finding Bigfoot (2011)
Real Life Bigfoot right Here!
Oh, in New Zealand, I found a bigfoot, too! 3ft tall, only hairy in the areas that matter (blonde). They have big googly eyes to see at night, as they are primarily nocturnal. We call them shriekens, due to the horrendous noise they make. It's exactly like a wolf's howl, but shriekafied. They are a fundamental part of our culture, we lock ourselves in our houses after 8:00PM for fear that we may encounter one of the little hop goblins. I mean shriekens. But the really brave kids sneak out past their beddy times, much to the rest of the community's terror. It's rumored that they eat people! Sometimes you see them at your local shopping centre, causing severe awkwardness due to their perpetual nakedness. Nudity in New Zealand is typically welcomed, but the shriekens' belly buttons excrete a thick and viscous liquid, similar to the big mac secret sauce in taste and texture, but it is a vibrant shade of turquoise. They are famous for their terrible family relationships, and they clog up New Zealand's court systems with divorce cases. I am still waiting for my restraining order to be filed against the boyfriend I had in 2002. It's been a dark fifteen years.