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Reviews
I.S.S. (2023)
Space Junk
Many people say they wish they could rate 0 stars; I, however, don't know what to rate this mystery of the cosmos some call a "movie". Its a knockoff version of the 2022 Austrian film "Rubikon". ("Rubikon" was subpar but competent.) Watch the trailers for evidence; watch the movies for proof.
More is understood about dark matter than the plot of "I. S. S.". No events are explained. War breaks out and then..? We don't know. The movie is so unrealistic that it detracts from any possibility of deciphering the events happening onscreen, anyway.
The robotic, useless characters (save for the Russian woman) contribute nothing but decisions completely absent of reason. The script is so pathetic that the movie would've fired better without any dialog. It ruins any opportunity for character development. (Props to the Russian woman for somehow generating a decent character out of this mess; everyone else sucks.)
Visuals serve as the bane of this movie's sorry existence. The attempt to mimic microgravity falls way shots and ends up making characters look like puppets controlled by a drunk. Countless camera shots are at odd angles, through a VHS-quality surveillance feed that plays no role, an at the poorly-lit side of the partially-rendered CGI ISS. Visuals can be easily outdone by anything made after 2010 with a similar budget. It's an eyesore colliding with a headache like a massive asteroid.
The question I asked myself is, "What's the point?" Of this movie, I've not the faintest idea. This movie isn't so bad that it's good, so stay lightyears away from this crap. The movie Apollo 13 is famous for its line, "Failure is not an option." For "I. S. S.", failure appeared to be the only option.
Night Swim (2024)
Unoriginal and Unfinished
This movie presents a unique paradox in that I guessed everything that happened, yet couldn't understand anything behind why it did. Perhaps the movie's rough draft was submitted to theaters instead of the final product. Considering the legion of gaffes in a short running time, it wouldn't surprise me.
First off, this is a drama with a few forced, flat jumpscares. The dad's career and health take up far more screen time than the "story" behind the haunting. You learn about as much from the trailer as the movie itself. Nothing of value happens or is explained.
Acting is universally monotone, like observing people at the DMV; no one wanted to be there, it seems. Characters reacted unnaturally or not at all to supernatural phenomena. Music is out of place and used to build up scares that fizzle out like a whoopee cushion with a huge hole in it. The script is straight cringe. I found myself covering my eyes more because of that than failed scares. Humor was speckled in at weird times.
This movie must be one of a few oddities: created as a middle school project, written by AI, or, most likely, a cash grab in a saturated Hollywood market where quantity trumps quality. (Just look at where Marvel's gone.) Blumhouse, you blew it. It's OK to wait a while to release a movie while it's carefully executed.
Night Swim is about as developed and unique as a harlequin large print romance novel. Make like the Uno card and SKIP.
The Retreat (2021)
Retreat from this movie
Like the movie's runtime (and my patience for it), I'm going to keep this review short. Initial suspense? It's what earned the meager extra star of this review. Acting? Eh. Everything else? HORRIBLE. Poor lighting makes most of the second half difficult to watch, not that you'll miss much. Very little makes sense. There was so much potential...
Invasion (2021)
Too much drama, too few aliens; a lot to be desired
I jumped into this show because I'm all for a more serious take on extraterrestrial invasion, unlike wacky (but enjoyable) titles like Independence Day. The trailer and initial episode generated the suspense needed for me to keep pressing play. Impressive visuals and tremendous acting helped it along, too. The insightful side stories made for the right amount of fluff... until it consumed the story.
As you've probably seen in other reviews, the show crawls at a snail's pace. This is largely due to stories that have nothing to do with aliens taking up screen time. I don't mind knowing what makes the world go round for the main characters, but it was so pervasive that it felt like the aliens were the side story instead. If I wanted to hear great detail about marital troubles or forbidden romances, I'd watch something else.
This also causes too many loose ends to be left untied. You'll find yourself wondering, "Wait, what happened to this character?" and, "Why wasn't this explained?" You keep waiting and you never find out. It doesn't resemble a cliffhanger; it simply looks half-baked. I don't even know if (a hypothetical) season 2 will explain everything. Will I invest in a second season? MAYBE... and that's probably generous.
If you're looking for an action-packed thriller of an extraterrestrial-themed show, skip this and pick up something like Falling Skies or.
The Spore (2021)
The Snore
I see what they tried to do here. They tried to make a slow burn of a biological post-apocalyptic horror movie. Horrendous acting, stagnant pace, rubbery props, and senseless plot turn this movie into no more than ambient noise for an afternoon nap. There's no disease in the movie, for the movie itself is the disease. Listen to the bad reviews and don't waste your time or money like I did.
The I-Land (2019)
I want to wake up with no memory of this show.
For those who disliked Netflix's space-themed stinker "Another Life", you'll notice this poop paradise is almost identical, but on an island. Turn off the show now - it's actually worse.
For those who haven't, please avoid this at all costs. The appallingly bland acting starts about one minute into the show and never stops. Not even the more notable actresses, Martinez and Bosworth, offer anything exciting. The irrational characters speak as though they're 5th graders reading from a science book. I think NPCs in PS2 video games have more range than everyone in the show. It makes me want to cry.
I've never seen a TV show this bad. Save yourself some time and go watch a high school drama club's attempt at a short movie.
Crawl (2019)
A Simple, Solid Flick
If your only research before viewing was a glimpse at one trailer, you may be put off by the mid-grade cast and CGI, but this movie takes those elements and runs with them. It wastes no time telling a concise story that leads into the action/horror, which keeps you on the edge of your seat the remaining 95% of the movie. Both of the lead roles play out of their minds and deliver unexpectedly incredible acting that puts you in their shoes.
I've seen nearly every alligator movie you can name. Many of them are debacles and a few are decent at best. This breaks the scale in a wonderful way. Take anyone you care about to see this movie. Despite the R rating, I consider this safe for anyone 13 and older if they can put up with the scares. The movie and the acting are so convincing, you'll have yourself wondering if this very scenario can happen in real life. If you're a Floridian like me, this could be YOUR scenario.
Summation
Pros: strong, connected acting (actors work well together), believable story that's easy to follow, keeps the drama at a low
Cons: some cliches, bland small roles
Verdict: a pleasant surprise that'll have you gripping your seat throughout the movie
Peppermint (2018)
No more or less than what one would expect
Jennifer Garner is back; I'll leave the quality of her return performance up for debate. "Peppermint" is little more than "Death Wish" with a female protagonist (?). Every move is predictable. The storyline is a little ridiculous, and every character but Garner's is utterly useless in the plot. If this is NOT the kind of movie you're into, end your reading here and skip this movie.
If this is what you're into, continue reading: you won't be disappointed. The action is done well, although difficult to take seriously. There are no slow moments or gaps in the storyline. While I did state above that characters outside of Garner's new basically unnecessary, their acting is convincing and skilled; acting quality can make or break a movie. You'll find plenty of chaos and carnage in this new revenge action thriller that portrays the lengths to which a normal, middle-class mom will go to seek justice. There's something to be learned here!
Slender Man (2018)
Slender Man's worst nightmare
I recently signed up for AMC A-List, meaning I get three complimentary movies a week and other benefits for $20 per month. The problem here is that I should've been paid to waste ninety minutes of my youth on this... movie? It's not really a movie, just like an uncooked frozen pizza is not really a meal. It's not so bad it's good. It's so bad it's scary, and not in the good way.
A movie based on one of the Internet's most popular and frightening creepypastas should've yielded a decent film. But without a solid flow in the storyline, and WITH plenty of cliches, bland acting, and poor CGI, this is a heap of trash.
How do you make Slender Man go away? Show him this movie!