Change Your Image
Ulysses186
Reviews
Carnivore (2000)
feeble: pathetically lacking in force or effectiveness
The scenario of this film is ridiculous. The government creates a monster in a misguided experiment in a lab that looks like a temporarily abandoned 3-bedroom, 2.5-bath house. The story was lame and forgettable, with only a few exceptions. The 'creature' 'effects' in this film are extraordinarily bad.. almost nonexistent really. It resembles a worn out gorilla costume, or possibly a Chewbacca, that had been fished out of a dumpster and then laden with 2 pounds of latex. A painfully common rubber mask is then festooned with large, cheap-looking teeth via a hot glue gun. The creature can only be plainly seen in the film while under shadows cast from colored lights and even then it is miserable in every conceivable way. Sadly the acting is just as poor as the creature effects. I checked, nearly all that actors have never had any other screen appearance. Its as if they just pulled people off the streets and drafted them into service.. which in some cases seems nonconsensual. In the film Dana Anderson (Jill Adcock) cares for the bad costume-abomination-monster and clenches its long plastic claws when it gets wounded by Uzi fire. The man who is hunting the creature has a mullet-perm and never removes his over-sized aviator sunglasses. His suit is also notable. The cinematography and editing are dreadful as well.. the film is shot with only two cameras. The scenes are always too long and from an awkward angle. I also seem to remember that great deals of the film are shot through a blue filter.. If you take into account the many other glaring weaknesses of this film, its lameness is intensified greatly by the poor craftsmanship.
This movie is really hard to sit through.. It's a miserable film in its totality, without any redeeming factor. I would not recommend it to anyone.
Ren zhe wu di (1982)
The zenith of the Shaw Brothers.. blood and guts.. bad dubbed cheese
Super Ninjas is a hilariously great Shaw brother's kung fu film. It's very gory, has hilarious costuming, and very poor dubbing. easily one of the most amusing kung fu films i have seen, the first time I saw it I nearly fell out of my chair laughing, and my friend did. Two kung fu schools are about to square off in a tournament to decided which is supreme. One side, the 'good guys' wear odd and slightly homo-erotic white costumes. After 9 fights the fruity white kung fu school seems to be dominating. The 10th match is reserved for the respective masters to square off. The leader of the 'bad guys' has a Japanese samurai take his place. The Samurai is defeated but before he commits seppuku he promises his good friend, a ninja would come and take revenge for him, then he flicks a ring at the victorious Kung Fu master, the ring bruises his palm, and it is later revealed that the poison will prevent him from using any Kung Fu for six months. Sometime later the victorious Kung Fu school gets a challenge from the five element ninjas. It seems the ninja has come to get revenge for the Samurais failure. The elements are Gold, Wood, Water, Fire, and Earth. The Kung Fu master decided that the challenge must be met and dispatches 9 of his best Kung Fu fighters to meet the ninjas. He retains 2 of his best men as well as scores of under-trained ninja fodder to guard the base. While the Kung Fu champs fight valiantly they are all killed fairly quickly, with the exception of the guy who fights the Earth element. He fights like a lion; he is severely wounded but continues to fight, only stopped after he trips and falls over his own free-hanging entrails. This battle sequence is awesome, very poorly dubbed and a bit cheesy but its half an hour of nonstop action and serious gore. Soon after the corpses of the fallen fighters are returned to the base, the surviving members of the Kung Fu school are shocked. They work to fortify their headquarters for the impending ninja attack. When the Ninjas attack the school is unready and most of the students are slaughtered quickly. Only the retained champions are able to put up a decent fight. They desperately defend their poisoned master, hiding in his bedroom. One of the champions' falls and the ninjas firebomb the master's room. Oddly enough the Kung Fu master responds to the fire in his bedroom by throwing all the flammable things he can find on the fire. After he throws his last blanket on the fire he is overcome by the heat and smoke and dies. the last Kung Fu champion, Tien-hao escapes, while fleeing through the woods he is caught in a rope trap set by an elderly ninja. He takes refuge with the elderly Ninja and his three sons. There he learns the ninja ways, and strategies to defeat the five elements via a great martial arts montage. Tien-hao and his three new brothers are equipped with an odd ax like weapon that is really 12 weapons in one. Armed with these weapons and skills Tien-hao pays a visit to the Ninja master whose men had annihilated his home and killed his brothers and master. A duel is set. This time the Kung Fu fighters are well trained and anticipate the Ninja's every move.
Gold: These ninjas have golden hats which double as shields.. they also launch knives. The reflective golden surfaces of the hat/shields blinds their foes. But the brothers and Tien-hao are ready using part of their multi-weapon to block the glare.. the gold ninjas are butchered once their hat-shields are destroyed.
Wood: These ninjas hide in trees and in tree costumes. This is a very hilarious battle, the ninja trees try to claw the Kung Fu warriors and hit them with throwing stars. The warriors counter by jumping into the trees and by using a scythe on a chain to grab the wood ninjas from safety. The last wood ninja is caught by a flying scythe on each hand and foot.. then in a hilarious stunt that defies all laws of physics with one combined tug by all four warriors the ninja is torn from limb to limb.
Water: These ninja use reeds and swim underwater ready to strike the Kung Fu warriors at just the right moment. Again the warriors are ready for the water ninja tricks. They pull nets out of their weapon and trap the ninjas in the water and then skewer them. Out of nowhere the warriors start skating on the water's surface to catch the last fleeing ninja.
Fire: These ninja's use smoke flares to blind their enemies. Yet the multi-weapon allows use of banners which disperse the smoke so the warriors can see. Once the flares and smoke are driven away the fire ninjas are quickly defeated.
Earth: These ninjas attack from the underground, shooting spears up through the ground to hamstring their opponents. This time the multi-weapons turn into stilts with spear bottoms that pierce the ground to kill the ninjas hiding underground. When the last earth ninja is skewered the Ninja grandmaster explodes to the surface for the ultimate showdown. Tien-hao with his 3 brothers engage the master, though they fight valiantly and with much skill the grand master ninja is too strong. Tien-hao attempts a dangerous gambit, allowing himself to be mortally wounded to get close enough to handcuff the Ninja's feet. Now bound the ninja is no match for the three brothers. The grandmaster ninja is killed, torn in half as he tries to escape, and Tien-hao lives just long enough to see that his revenge is compete.
This is an awesomely bad Kung Fu flick.. if you enjoy early cheesy gory Kung Fu films then Super Ninjas is a must see.
The Shadow Men (1997)
MIB vs. Minivan
The Shadow Men is an absurd and nonsensical take on the men in black (MIB) phenomenon. The move itself is of moderate/low budget.. standard for a straight to video B movie. The plot seems to be standard enough yet, like diamonds in the rough, there are these priceless sequences that make no sense and can cause great episodes of hilarity.
The family:
1) Father, Bob Wilson (Erik Roberts).. Rugged good-looks and a well-manicured beard
really knows how to drive a minivan. 2) Mother, Dez Wilson (Sherilyn Fenn) sweet concerned mother, fearful of MIB. 3) Son, Andy Wilson (Brendan Ryan Barrett) Ugly little kid.
The family is making their way home after a trip when their minivan falls under the glare of a bright light.. The family wakes up some time after, not remembering what had transpired, but later suffers from nightmares, alluding to alien abduction. Later they check their video camera, which the abducting aliens failed to notice.. and it had recorded the details of their abduction. The family contacts the Air Force and reports the sighting. Soon after some mysterious men in black pay them a visit and questions them. The MIB wear bad black suits with thin ties and black wayfarer type sunglasses and black conspicuous hats. The mother asks the MIB if they would like a drink, they reply "We will have a Coca-Cola." The MIB start to tail the family and even go so far so to harass Andy in the schoolyard. The MIB leans down and authoritatively asks the lad questions, and though they are surrounded by dozens and dozens of people, no one seems to notice a man in a black suit and black sunglasses and a black fedora harassing a child in the schoolyard. Not too long later the MIB intensify their effort to harass the family. Rugged good-looks and a beard managed to outrun the perusing MIB with his minivan. Apparently all MIB drive 1985 Chevy celebrity sedans.. Still surprising that MIB could be ditched with a minivan. After this incident the family is contacted by the author and retired Air Force personnel Stan Mills (Dean Stockwell) and the family is beckoned to take refuges in Mill's secluded ranch-complex. Though the family feels at ease here it's not long until the MIB track them down and let loose a Chevy celebrity onslaught. The MIB break through the complex's defenses and eventually get inside the house. The MIB can not be downed by a direct pointblank blast of a 12-guage shotgun but can be killed by a blow from a 2 x 4 if swung by rugged good-looks and a beard. After one MIB is downed he falls over and his black wayfarers fall off revealing huge alien type eyes, which would have been clearly visible regardless of what type of sunglasses he was wearing. As it turns out all MIB are alien/human hybrids. Eventually the MIB are driven back and the family escapes, though they are doomed to walk the earth in terror knowing that any Chevy celebrity might be the end of them all. The movie is terrible, but luckily this kind of cinematic folly lends beautiful, unintentional golden humor to this film. Every positive and amusing thing about the film is entirely accidental, as its formulaic and predictable flow is really pathetic. If the film was even a bit more craftily written or the actors tried a little harder it would have been devoid of redeeming qualities. Luckily Justin Stanley and Eric Miller the writers are seriously inept, yet their blunder has inadvertently created a wonder. If you are amused by really bad cinema, or enjoy lifetime made for TV movies, I would highly recommend this film.
Cold Mountain (2003)
Love, Loss, and Drama during the Civil War
The film Cold Mountain portrays aspects of the Civil War in many different ways. Cold Mountain does not focus on an actual battle, or series of battles, but rather around the lives of a few people and how the war at large impacts all aspects on their lives. The film depicts an odd duality, a double edged sword, and shades of gray that have become the modern understanding of the Civil War. The war is shown as not an end, or final destination, but rather as a journey, fraught with war and peace, love and hate, and action both magnanimous and malevolent, and all the shades in between.
The film opens with the siege of Petersburg. An explosion tears the cities defenses asunder, and soon after an unfortunate union corps charges into the crater left by the explosion. Here an understanding of the savagery and murderous nature of the war was illustrated as hundreds of Confederate soldiers take position around the edge of the crater and pick off the helpless Union forces trapped inside. Wild calls of bloodlust fill the air as countless blue coats die. Yet amongst the bloody horrors of war the protagonist Inman, dives selflessly into the crater in attempts to rescue a mortally wounded comrade. Though surrounded by an immense slaughter one man brazenly risks his own life to save that of another. This action shows us the duality of the understanding of the war, wanton carnage, and selfless valor to protect life all in the same scene.
Life away from the front is seen through the eyes of another protagonist, Ada, a preacher's daughter cast adrift in a small unfamiliar town. Her love interest, Inman, goes off to war leaving her alone to cope with the hardships the war brings to those who remain behind. The war brings chaos to a previously tranquil environment. At the onset the men cheer for their long awaited war, and joyfully march off to the sorrow that awaits them on the battlefield. The film illustrates the hardships that await those who remain as the news of the deaths of the once exited boys return to Cold Mountain. Ada nears madness with uncertainty and anticipation of Inman's fate. The townsfolk suffer under the unscrupulous care of the local magistrate and his posse. Life at home slowly unravels into struggle and despair. The portrayal of the hardships of the civilian southerners establishes a modern understanding that the war left no aspect of social life unscathed.
The stark suffering of the battle's aftermath is portrayed as Inman is wounded and taken to an over-crowded makeshift hospital. Men lay all around, bleeding and dying as moans of their suffering fill the space. These scenes add additional understanding of the massive scale of pain and human loss. Yet in this hopeless location, one man's will to live and to return to his love overcome the grisly reality and as soon as he is physically able he decides to desert and fueled by a letter he takes on the long and arduous journey home.
The journey of Inman echoes the central focus of the film. This journey exposes the viewer to various social and individual impacts left by the war. The chaos created by the war act as a perfect backdrop to display both the very best and very worst aspects of human nature. Inman comes across reverend Veasey, who is about to drop an unconscious African American woman into a river because he had impregnated her. Later he and Veasey pay a young girl an exorbitant price to be ferried across a river to escape perusing soldiers tracking deserters, half way across she offers her body up for a price. A moment later she is killed by rifle fire from the departure point. After their escape Inman and the fugitive Veasey come across a man who offers room and board for their assistance, they agree and are baited into a trap set for deserters. Later Inman is welcomed into the home of a young, recently widowed mother, her infant son is ill, her husband had been killed in action and she is left to reconcile survival with the pain of carrying on alone in the world. All of these vignettes signify the disorder, opportunism, and survival mechanisms of individuals attempting to cope with the societal shock-waves of the Civil War.
One of the few positive side effects of the war portrayed in the film is how circumstances caused by the war bring individuals together. As Ada struggles with depression and madness another young woman, Ruby, appears on her dilapidated farm to assist her. Ada might not have survived otherwise. The two women help inspire each other to do what is necessary to survive. These circumstances allow Ruby to reconcile with her estranged father, and meet her future husband.
As Inman's long journey reaches it end and he returns to Ada it seems that all the suffering each had to overcome was worth the cost, love triumphs over trials. However, their time together is not long as Inman is fatally wounded in a gunfight with a local unscrupulous law officer. The long journey home and all the ordeals that were overcome seem to be for naught. Despite this tragedy, Ada is able to move on her with her life and with the help of her new friends, all brought together by the war, and create a good and happy life.
Sloane (1985)
Sloane delivers memory loss.. and not much else.
I rented Sloane because of its iconic poor cover art. It features a buff shirtless guy carrying a swoon woman while firing a machine gun. The film opens: A man is killed and his wife abducted, the family hires Sloane, an ex cop to track her abductors and rescue her. The film is supposed to take place in the Philippines but most of it looks like set from bygone Vietnam War films. Robert Resnick, who portrays Sloane is not buff, this was a disappointment as I was expecting a Schwarzeneggeresque hero. He is also clad in the worst kind of attire, tight white pants with an undersized shirt to match.. all polyester. Most of the film is slow and forgettable, and honestly I was surprised at how little action and gore was to be had. The film quality is very poor, the writing and acting are equally poor, and the fight choreography for the sparse action sequences is very disappointing. The bloodlessness of the film only confounds the lame fighting. Sloane and his pal who joins him for the caper try to get information about the missing woman in a Vietminhesque tavern.. which quickly leads to a bar fight where the not so buff Sloane uses a wooden looking fighting style to beat down all the Pilipino assailers. Later Sloan and his buddy track the missing woman to a cave nestled in a remote jungle, after fighting their way through the guards they discover a cannibalistic tribe of midgets, which Sloan defeats to save the distraught captive. This film is worth a watch if you enjoy terrible, low budget/quality 1980's action flicks. 'Sloane' does disappoint in all aspects of an action flick, not really violent or gory enough to justify all the dead time filler that makes up 80% of the film. The cannibal midgets are hilarious but again, not enough violence and gore to justify even having a tribe of cannibal midgets in a film. Huge portions of the film are forgettable; in fact I forgot most of what happened less then an hour after I finished watching it. For most viewers, I would just recommend looking at the film's cover art.. it delivers a lot more with one glance then the whole of this film does.
Robot Ninja (1989)
Absolutely the worst film, ever.. 0/10 if i could
Robot Ninja is without any question the absolute worst film I have ever seen. Watching this film was an ordeal; it was entirely depressing and filled me with indescribable melancholy. Every aspect of this film is horrible, every last one. The fact that it's a longer movie only magnifies the horrors of this film. Now I am an individual that has seen countless bad films, and in most cases I can derive great amusement from seeing how awful movies can be.. I could find absolutely nothing amusing about this film, every second I watched it was agonizing and depressing. Foremost, there is nary a robot or a ninja in this film. The film itself is of remarkable poor quality. It could be the lowest budget film ever. The protagonist Leonard Miller is a degenerate comic book artist, who is the creator of the 'Robot ninja' comic, he is pasty, has bad hair, and sports a unfortunate wardrobe. After a two bit gang begins to terrorize the vicinity Leonard decides to become his character. His older pal, a Dr. Goodknight, who seems to be the local inventor/scientist agrees to make Leonard the 'robot ninja' suit, to match the image of the comic book character. This was one very low point. Goodnight indicates that making the suit will be costly. Leonard says something to the effect that money is not an issue and throws some cash down on the work bench.. If one were to look at the money it looks like $17 at the most. After Leonard's suit is done, complete with wrist-mounted blades and a mask which disguises his voice; he proceeds to drive around town in his mid 80's beat up camero looking for a chance to become a vigilante. The main problem with Leonard becoming a vigilante is that he is neither a ninja nor a robot, despite his warped perspective of himself. After a few skirmishes with the two-bit gang he gets injured, and starts popping amphetamines to stay awake and fight. The gang consists of 5 or less people, lead by a 5'3" woman.. they all sport red bandannas, drive around in a beat up cargo van, carry virtually no weapons and posses no special abilities or assets. This is the kind of gang that two traffic cops could easily handle.. This gang would have been easily owned by either the jazz-dancing jets or sharks. They are, unfortunately more then the hapless Leonard can deal with. During the second skirmish with the gang there is some violence and a couple of gang members are killed, though the action and gore are lackluster at best. Terribly poor fight choreography, extremely low budget gore effects, which are few and far between, and no real purpose kill any enjoyment that could be found otherwise in the action. Though killing a gang member or two Leonard is seriously injured from the fight. He flees for more amphetamine and to nurse his wounds. He sustained a very fake looking wound to his arm, and in his zeal to actually become a 'robot ninja' he starts forcing a metal plate and a glass and rubber tube into the wound, as if to repair himself. Now with a fresh head of amphetamine and some foreign objects forced into his gaping arm wound he readies himself for the final showdown with the 5'3" female leader of the gang. By this time the cops are already after him due to the forgettable ruckus his battle with the gang has caused, so there is no turning back for Leonard. After the battle he manages to defeat the 5'3" female gang leader, though he is seriously wounded and the cops are but a few minutes away.. he crawls away knowing he has defeated some quasi-threatening gang and shoots himself in the head. Pretty much everyone dies at or near the end.. Nothing is gained from it.. This is one of few movies I would not recommend to anyone. It traumatized me. It's really that bad. It's not funny, it's not amusing, and it has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Anyone else who reviewed this film and recommended it is trying to play the cruelest joke. May god have mercy on their souls. If ever there was a film that would kill the individual who viewed it 7 days later, this is it. It's dreadful, vile, and reprehensible, and it might push someone who is already depressed over the edge. Life is good, it's not worth it. All have been warned; never ever watch this film, as a film could not possibly get any worse then Robot Ninja.
Ninja Commandments (1987)
The first Commandment of the Ninja: Suck.
The film Ninja Commandments is one of the most bizarre films I have ever seen. It is what I like to call a 'Frankenstein film", as the actual movie is really two movies that have nothing at all to do with one another cut together to form one unholy experience. The bulk of the film looks like stock footage.. Most likely a Chinese drama made in the late 1970's which was acquired for an extremely affordable sum by the financial backers of Ninja Commandments. The rest of the film, which includes the incredibly poor fighting sequences featuring Richard Harrison as the celebrated Ninja Master Gordon, was filmed in 1987. This is without question one of the absolute worst films I have ever seen. Case in point: The cover, which features a red-clad Nin Ja with sword and shield, and another yellow clad Caucasian Ninja above him. The background portrays three men on motorcycles surrounding another man in a white shirt. Behind them is some sort of futuristic sky-scraper monolith. Nothing on the cover is representative of any thing that actually happened in the movie, besides the existence of the yellow clad ninja.. There is nary a motorcycle in the whole of the film. The film opens with some sort of Ninja tribunal talking about excommunicating one of their ninjas for having premarital sex. The film now switches over to its poorly attached stock footage section about some average drunken fellow, who is obviously not a ninja, though he is supposed to be the Ninja who was exiled for engaging in premarital sex. In one sequence his girlfriend is harassed at a bar by a gaggle of drunken locals. The disgraced Ninja quickly engages the bar folk with an odd running head-butt attack, which has little affect. He is promptly beat down by the gaggle and humiliated. This section of the movie is long and slow, and completely and utterly unrelated to ninjas in any way. It drags on and on about the banished 'ninja' and his troubles at home.. The details are too numerous and agonizing to review but I do seem to remember that most of the issues plaguing him are resolved by some sort of suicide. The film takes sparse focus on the actual Ninja story, where the heroic ninja master Gordon battles a treacherous peer who has assassinated the leader of the Ninja sect. These sequences are fraught with unbelievably bad costumes and equally poor fight choreography. It all looks as if it was filmed in a local park; apparently these ninjas require no structures whatsoever. There is never any attempt made to reconcile the two different movie plots, other then the exiled for premarital sex edict. Ninja master Gordon vanquished the bad ninja in the end, and the other 2/3rds of the film are left without correlation or explanation. I would highly recommend this movie to anyone, until one has sat through this they could not possibly fathom exactly how poor a film can be.