The Osbournes (2002–2005)
An intelligence test...
9 July 2002
Yeah, you heard me right - this program is an intelligence test. Sit a bunch of people in a room and make them watch it for an hour, and their comments will let you know how intelligent they really are. It seems that the morons of the world only see a program where a stoned father allows a bitchy mother to run his life while his children (he actually has *at least* three, by the way) run amok.

The reality is that Ozzy Osbourne is a model of what I wish I could have had for a father. Not once have I seen Ozzy resort to terrorising his children, talking down at them as if they are lower than dung, or other deflations of his children's self-esteem. In fact, in all the interactions between Ozzy and his children, I see a man who would do anything to protect them in spite of the absurd situation that his career (which is still actually going strong) often puts them in. If I had parents like Ozzy and Sharon when I was Jack's age (as a reference, I'm a few years older than Aimee), I'd be a much better-adjusted person today. I've never seen Sharon pick up any of her children by the neck and smash their head on things.

The really sad part about the whole thing is that Ozzy is far more intelligent and calculating than his critics, but he will never get full credit for it. The whole show was merely conceived as a big swipe at the morons who would have us believe the Cosbys are the ideal family, as well as promotion for a new solo album (once the solo album publicity dies down, you can bet there will be another Black Sabbath reunion album). The worst thing about the way pop media portrays Ozzy today is that they dismiss him as irrelevant because they can't pidgeonhole him and make him fit into their narrow little approved genres. The sad fact is that Ozzy's music, and the music he makes with Sabbath in particular, is even more relevant today than it was thirty-two years ago. The world really has become that much more oppressive and bland in that time (and the company that bought out Ozzy's label in the 1990s, Sony, has had a lot to do with this, just to name one guilty party). Still, Ozzy and company have had a lot of bands follow in their footsteps (and I don't mean the Warrants and Poisons, et al, they are just tryhards), and some of them, like My DyING BRIDE, we should be eternally thankful for.

Many fans accuse Sharon of merely being a golddigger, and while it is almost certainly true that this show is more or less entirely her idea, the fact remains that Ozzy most likely would never have had a solo career if not for her. I do thoroughly detest Kelly, however. She really just seems content to ride on her father's coattails, something that Ozzy himself would have abhorred during his youth. Jack, however, is a very funny guy. He gives a great sense of being the tragic victim of the media obsession with his dad, and yet at the same time his sense of humour and his temper demonstrate that he is truly his father's son.

So all in all, if you've heard some Fundy moron tell you what a horrid family this is and how we should all be rallying against them - don't listen. I know my childhood would have been much happier if we'd had shows like this around to demonstrate to young parents like mine the RIGHT way to engage in conversation with your children. Even though Aimee was right to refuse to have anything to do with the show (I'm sure Kelly and Jack would have done the same if they were more "grown up"), it still makes me glad that in fifty years time, there will be shows like this to contrast against absolute slime like the Cosby show.
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