I know that sounds like a weird title, but trust me. it's not. It's about these weird CGI fish that eat people and.... that's really about it. There's really no other plot to speak of, the main character has the personality of an old tissue, while the female lead has the personality of a brick. Basically every character in this movie must be covered in chocolate, or wore a big "please eat me" sign that i must have missed. This movie is an hour and a half long and me and my friend talked for a good 45 minutes of it, and we didn't miss a thing. However, i guess i should give you a rundown.
Black guy is a police medic. he goes to investigate the murder of this fisherman guy who got eaten by a fish. why there's any of his remains left, i have no idea. And of course, mr. lead goes off by himself with a biologist. Because yes. whenever "I" have a homocide case on my hands, i send out the medic. and ONLY the medic. pfff. who needs an actual cop there. Besides, the medic has a gun! because ALL medics have guns! and he has no police uniform or badge why? i guess they couldn't afford one. By the way, in case you're wondering, he never uses his medic skills to heal anyone in this movie. so why he's a medic, once again, i have no idea what the point of that was. it would have made more sense to make him a random cop. anyway, they go to investigate. there's a crazy voodoo lady, some white trash drug doers (surprise surprise) a gun happy Mexican (don't even have to make a joke there) and possibly the funniest guy in the movie, the complaining white drinker. haha....he was great. so they talk for a while....then they talk for a while....and talk some more....then we cut to an old guy getting a blow job from a random hooker as the old guy's talking to an Asian guy.... then we cut back to more talking. Now, i know what some of you are thinking, "doesn't this part have to do with a lot of character development or story?" no. no it doesn't. we missed this whole half hour talking to each other and when we looked back, we didn't miss any of the story.
And this is when the people start getting systematically killed off. old guy is pulled under water, drug guy loses head, woman gets snatched outta boat, old lady gets bit in half, the usual. eventually the boat houses start to sink (oh yeah, i forgot to mention. they're all in boat houses on a bayou. fun) and then after the Mexican kills one of the fish and starts to eat it's rare cooked heart (yummy) he gets eaten by another fish. oh boy! there's more than one! and then his house catches fire and then the house shoots the biologist. yes. you read that right. the HOUSE SHOOTS THE BIOLOGIST. now those of you who saw this are saying "it was the heat from the fire that shot of the-" yeah. i know. but it's a lot more fun to say the house shot her. because it did. which was pretty amusing because you assume she would get eaten because she kept defending the fish and then she gets owned by something OTHER than the fish, it's kinda like ironic poetic justice. and the random BJ old guy comes along as several of his men (including the Asian) gets owned pretty damn quickly. The old guy kills one, and then a third owns him and we're left with the two black leads and the drinky white guy. and mr. i have no personality lead kills the mutant fish and the two leads proceed to make out for no real reason. once again. fun. But wait! what about mr drinky guy? does my favorite character get to live for once? this never happens! holy- oh. no. of course not. he gets bitten by little fish as we cut to the credits. (unenthused)yay.
The main problem with this movie is, it's BORING. half of it is unnecessary explanation, and the old white guy tells you in 30 seconds what you need to know. genetic experiments. bam. you're done. so what's the other 45 minutes for? i have no idea because i wasn't paying attention because i didn't care. maybe if the main character actually had a human personality, i may have cared. but he didn't, so i don't. The only reason why this movie isn't a 1 is because the effects WERE pretty cool. other than though, it's boring and not worth your time. go rent ghoulies or something better.
Frankenfish gets 2 obvious CGI trout, out of 10
Black guy is a police medic. he goes to investigate the murder of this fisherman guy who got eaten by a fish. why there's any of his remains left, i have no idea. And of course, mr. lead goes off by himself with a biologist. Because yes. whenever "I" have a homocide case on my hands, i send out the medic. and ONLY the medic. pfff. who needs an actual cop there. Besides, the medic has a gun! because ALL medics have guns! and he has no police uniform or badge why? i guess they couldn't afford one. By the way, in case you're wondering, he never uses his medic skills to heal anyone in this movie. so why he's a medic, once again, i have no idea what the point of that was. it would have made more sense to make him a random cop. anyway, they go to investigate. there's a crazy voodoo lady, some white trash drug doers (surprise surprise) a gun happy Mexican (don't even have to make a joke there) and possibly the funniest guy in the movie, the complaining white drinker. haha....he was great. so they talk for a while....then they talk for a while....and talk some more....then we cut to an old guy getting a blow job from a random hooker as the old guy's talking to an Asian guy.... then we cut back to more talking. Now, i know what some of you are thinking, "doesn't this part have to do with a lot of character development or story?" no. no it doesn't. we missed this whole half hour talking to each other and when we looked back, we didn't miss any of the story.
And this is when the people start getting systematically killed off. old guy is pulled under water, drug guy loses head, woman gets snatched outta boat, old lady gets bit in half, the usual. eventually the boat houses start to sink (oh yeah, i forgot to mention. they're all in boat houses on a bayou. fun) and then after the Mexican kills one of the fish and starts to eat it's rare cooked heart (yummy) he gets eaten by another fish. oh boy! there's more than one! and then his house catches fire and then the house shoots the biologist. yes. you read that right. the HOUSE SHOOTS THE BIOLOGIST. now those of you who saw this are saying "it was the heat from the fire that shot of the-" yeah. i know. but it's a lot more fun to say the house shot her. because it did. which was pretty amusing because you assume she would get eaten because she kept defending the fish and then she gets owned by something OTHER than the fish, it's kinda like ironic poetic justice. and the random BJ old guy comes along as several of his men (including the Asian) gets owned pretty damn quickly. The old guy kills one, and then a third owns him and we're left with the two black leads and the drinky white guy. and mr. i have no personality lead kills the mutant fish and the two leads proceed to make out for no real reason. once again. fun. But wait! what about mr drinky guy? does my favorite character get to live for once? this never happens! holy- oh. no. of course not. he gets bitten by little fish as we cut to the credits. (unenthused)yay.
The main problem with this movie is, it's BORING. half of it is unnecessary explanation, and the old white guy tells you in 30 seconds what you need to know. genetic experiments. bam. you're done. so what's the other 45 minutes for? i have no idea because i wasn't paying attention because i didn't care. maybe if the main character actually had a human personality, i may have cared. but he didn't, so i don't. The only reason why this movie isn't a 1 is because the effects WERE pretty cool. other than though, it's boring and not worth your time. go rent ghoulies or something better.
Frankenfish gets 2 obvious CGI trout, out of 10