While watching "My Life in Ruins," I kept envisioning how screenwriter Mike Reiss might have pitched this to the studio execs.
EXEC: So what have you written before?
REISS: I've worked on "The Simpsons Movie," and on the TV shows, "It's Garry Shandling's Show," "The Critic" and "The Simpsons."
EXEC: Those were original. Original makes me uncomfortable. What's this script about?
REISS: It's about an American tour guide in Greece --
EXEC: It's set in Greece? Brilliant! "Mamma Mia!" did boffo box office and it was set in Greece.
REISS: This tour guide is at the end of her tether --
EXEC: Tether?
REISS: How about rope?
EXEC: That's better.
REISS: Anyway, on her tour, she meets a bunch of wacky tourists and finds love in an "unexpected" place.
EXEC: These tourists. Do they do wacky stuff that is original?
REISS: We got boozy Australians, obnoxious Americans, the stereotypical American college student, the stuck-up, quarreling British couple and their moody daughter, sex-crazed Spanish divorcees, the workaholic American businessman, the lonely widower --
EXEC: Clichés. Brilliant, I love it! We can get Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz to play the Spanish women.
REISS: The roles aren't that big.
EXEC: Hmm. What about the love interest? You said the tour guide finds love in an unexpected place.
REISS: He's the Greek driver of the tour bus.
EXEC: I didn't expect that.
REISS: And, get this: She doesn't like him at first and believes he doesn't speak English.
EXEC: That does sound a bit like "original" to me. Just kidding - it's utterly conventional. Great! But he has to speak English. I don't like subtitles.
REISS: Oh, he speaks English, all right. Which she finds out accidentally at an "inopportune" moment.
EXEC: This is getting even better.
REISS: One more thing: His character's name is pronounced Poopi.
EXEC: Fun-ny!
REISS: And he has a cousin named Doodi.
EXEC: You are a comic genius! When can I sign the check for you? Who do you have in mind for the lead role - Salma Hayek or Penelope Cruz?
REISS: I was thinking Nia Vardalos from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."
EXEC: That might hurt the box office. Unless, we sell the film as "The star of 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' finally goes to Greece." Speaking of Vardalos, did you ever see her film, "Connie and Carla?" I loved it! I was thinking of remaking it. With a twist. You know how in that film the two women running from the mob are singers who have to pretend to be men? I was thinking, how about if the two are male musicians who witness a mob hit and are forced to dress up as women and play in an all women's band to hide from the gangsters.
REISS: You mean a remake of "Some Like It Hot?"
EXEC: Some like it what?
I don't know who to blame for the utterly bland "My Life in Ruins." Reiss, director Donald Petrie, actress Nia Vardalos or producers Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.
Clearly, some of the same people involved in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" (2002) - Vardalos, Wilson and Hanks - are back for this one. But, whereas, that film, despite its obvious plot twists and turns, had a certain charm to it, this one is devoid of anything even remotely resembling charm, humor or originality.
There's a moment about 20 minutes into "My Life in Ruins," when Dr. Tullen (Caroline Goodall - what is she doing in this awful picture?) tells Georgia (Vardalos), "You are not funny."
She might as well have been saying that to Petrie and Reiss. Because this film just lumbers from bad, unfunny and entirely predictable situation to the next, simply playing on conventional characters who just appear to be doing what they are doing without an ounce of emotion or genuine feeling. They merely go through the motions, hoping the gorgeous scenery will hoodwink the audience into believing they are watching something special and funny.
There isn't a single moment in this film that is honestly funny or isn't telegraphed. The only barely fleshed-out character is Richard Dreyfuss as Irv, a loud-mouthed widower who thinks he's funny. He gets one nice moment: A brief scene with Rita Wilson.
That moment begs the question as to why Wilson does not appear in more movies. I realize her husband's making all the big movies and is the box-office name, but she is a terrific actress and, frankly, "My Life in Ruins" would have been substantially and substantively more enjoyable had the film been about Irv and Elinor.
Vardalos might be looking to regain some of the "magic" of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." But she failed miserably with "Connie and Carla" (2004), a "Some Like It Hot" (1959) ripoff, and now comes this "If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium" (1969) ripoff. 'Nuff already. She has to quit making duds and try something else - a drama or a thriller or, better yet, a supporting role, anything other than these crappy cookie-cutter movies in which she plays cardboard characters with a plastered smile.
True, "My Life in Ruins" is inoffensive. You can take your grandparents to it, so long as they are not discerning moviegoers or have no taste. But if this is what passes for family fare these days, then that's a pathetic statement on Hollywood. And families. And if this and "New in Town" (2009) are what pass for female-oriented fare, then women everywhere should feel insulted to have their intelligence questioned in such manner.
At one point, Irv reminds us, "This is comedy - the Greeks invented it."
True.
But what did the Greeks ever do to be repaid with this sort of cloying, hackneyed tripe?
EXEC: So what have you written before?
REISS: I've worked on "The Simpsons Movie," and on the TV shows, "It's Garry Shandling's Show," "The Critic" and "The Simpsons."
EXEC: Those were original. Original makes me uncomfortable. What's this script about?
REISS: It's about an American tour guide in Greece --
EXEC: It's set in Greece? Brilliant! "Mamma Mia!" did boffo box office and it was set in Greece.
REISS: This tour guide is at the end of her tether --
EXEC: Tether?
REISS: How about rope?
EXEC: That's better.
REISS: Anyway, on her tour, she meets a bunch of wacky tourists and finds love in an "unexpected" place.
EXEC: These tourists. Do they do wacky stuff that is original?
REISS: We got boozy Australians, obnoxious Americans, the stereotypical American college student, the stuck-up, quarreling British couple and their moody daughter, sex-crazed Spanish divorcees, the workaholic American businessman, the lonely widower --
EXEC: Clichés. Brilliant, I love it! We can get Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz to play the Spanish women.
REISS: The roles aren't that big.
EXEC: Hmm. What about the love interest? You said the tour guide finds love in an unexpected place.
REISS: He's the Greek driver of the tour bus.
EXEC: I didn't expect that.
REISS: And, get this: She doesn't like him at first and believes he doesn't speak English.
EXEC: That does sound a bit like "original" to me. Just kidding - it's utterly conventional. Great! But he has to speak English. I don't like subtitles.
REISS: Oh, he speaks English, all right. Which she finds out accidentally at an "inopportune" moment.
EXEC: This is getting even better.
REISS: One more thing: His character's name is pronounced Poopi.
EXEC: Fun-ny!
REISS: And he has a cousin named Doodi.
EXEC: You are a comic genius! When can I sign the check for you? Who do you have in mind for the lead role - Salma Hayek or Penelope Cruz?
REISS: I was thinking Nia Vardalos from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."
EXEC: That might hurt the box office. Unless, we sell the film as "The star of 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' finally goes to Greece." Speaking of Vardalos, did you ever see her film, "Connie and Carla?" I loved it! I was thinking of remaking it. With a twist. You know how in that film the two women running from the mob are singers who have to pretend to be men? I was thinking, how about if the two are male musicians who witness a mob hit and are forced to dress up as women and play in an all women's band to hide from the gangsters.
REISS: You mean a remake of "Some Like It Hot?"
EXEC: Some like it what?
I don't know who to blame for the utterly bland "My Life in Ruins." Reiss, director Donald Petrie, actress Nia Vardalos or producers Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson.
Clearly, some of the same people involved in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" (2002) - Vardalos, Wilson and Hanks - are back for this one. But, whereas, that film, despite its obvious plot twists and turns, had a certain charm to it, this one is devoid of anything even remotely resembling charm, humor or originality.
There's a moment about 20 minutes into "My Life in Ruins," when Dr. Tullen (Caroline Goodall - what is she doing in this awful picture?) tells Georgia (Vardalos), "You are not funny."
She might as well have been saying that to Petrie and Reiss. Because this film just lumbers from bad, unfunny and entirely predictable situation to the next, simply playing on conventional characters who just appear to be doing what they are doing without an ounce of emotion or genuine feeling. They merely go through the motions, hoping the gorgeous scenery will hoodwink the audience into believing they are watching something special and funny.
There isn't a single moment in this film that is honestly funny or isn't telegraphed. The only barely fleshed-out character is Richard Dreyfuss as Irv, a loud-mouthed widower who thinks he's funny. He gets one nice moment: A brief scene with Rita Wilson.
That moment begs the question as to why Wilson does not appear in more movies. I realize her husband's making all the big movies and is the box-office name, but she is a terrific actress and, frankly, "My Life in Ruins" would have been substantially and substantively more enjoyable had the film been about Irv and Elinor.
Vardalos might be looking to regain some of the "magic" of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." But she failed miserably with "Connie and Carla" (2004), a "Some Like It Hot" (1959) ripoff, and now comes this "If It's Tuesday, This Must Be Belgium" (1969) ripoff. 'Nuff already. She has to quit making duds and try something else - a drama or a thriller or, better yet, a supporting role, anything other than these crappy cookie-cutter movies in which she plays cardboard characters with a plastered smile.
True, "My Life in Ruins" is inoffensive. You can take your grandparents to it, so long as they are not discerning moviegoers or have no taste. But if this is what passes for family fare these days, then that's a pathetic statement on Hollywood. And families. And if this and "New in Town" (2009) are what pass for female-oriented fare, then women everywhere should feel insulted to have their intelligence questioned in such manner.
At one point, Irv reminds us, "This is comedy - the Greeks invented it."
True.
But what did the Greeks ever do to be repaid with this sort of cloying, hackneyed tripe?