Johnfromthenorth Review of Conan the Barbarian

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

This is not Black Lotus they are selling us pure haga. Bad Hollywood fantasy with no original ideas.

[1/10 · 21 August 2011]

Fans have waited for 29 years for a new Conan movie and then we get this disaster. Obviously this was not going to be as good as the John Milius movie, but they could have at least tried. Maybe some people can enjoy this as a totally brainless action movie, but this is a bad fantasy movie and a worse Conan movie. The new Conan reminds me of the 80s Conan ripoff barbarian movies. First we have a narrator voice that certainly doesn't belong to a bloody barbarian movie. Then we have the ridiculousness of conans dad performing c-section in the middle of battle and then the movie spends 20 minutes with a little kid Conan. Apparently a cimmerian test of manhood or something is running around in a forest sucking an egg in your mouth and then the child Conan runs into some enemy tribesmen that are growling like orcs and kills them all. There is no need to try to prove how badass the hero is by having him slaughtering people when he is still a child. That is simply not believable just silly. Well then the tribe gets slaughtered by the evil warlord and conans dad is killed. Not even trying to be original here. The rest of the movie is some swordfights some monsters and some more swordfights. The only good thing was Stephen Lang as the villain. Khalars witch daughter was also fun. If Jason Momoa really was the best Conan they could find I guess that says something about todays action heroes, but at least he is not wearing the same ridiculous makeup he has when playing Drogo. I just don't understand how some people can say that this movie represents Robert E Howards original Conan? They must be talking about some different Howard. The same people who have spent years whining about how the classic Arnold movie was not loyal to the original stories are now thinking this is. This movie has no more connection to the original stories then the 80s movies did. I cant possibly imagine Jason Momoa in the original stories. People who keep saying this guy is the ideal original Conan should consider for example the story where Conan defeats the giant strangler in battle of pure strenght and breaks his neck. Can you actually imagine Momoa in that scene? The Milius movie was not loyal to the stories but it was an awesome movie with a unique feel and original ideas and it actually looked like something out of an ancient world where magic was real. The original movie also had the spirit of Howards best stories with a Nietschean survival of the fittest philosophy. The new Conan is bad Hollywood fantasy made by talentless hacks. The next Conan movie will probably be direct to DVD. The scriptwriters and director Marcus Nispel should never work again.