Setting: An overpriced studio set overlooking New York City.
Time: Present Day, though if anyone had common sense it wouldn't be.
Tone: Deaf
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
David Letterman: The gap-toothed Host of Late Night. A cynical man who is jealous of Jay Leno because Jay's funny and he's not.
Paul Shaffer: A rare breed of shaved parrot. Serves to repeat everything that Dave says and act as what I'm guessing is a bandleader.
Alan Kalter: Announcer for the show. Not his fault.
Dave: Alright Ladies and Gentlemen, here's tonight's top 10 list.
(Music enters) Dave: Tonight's top 10 list: Top 10 Reasons I'm Not Funny.
(Applause sign lights up, people forced to clap, dually regretting an evening wasted)
Dave: Number 10:I'm a cynic
Paul: Oh, a cynic, huh?
Dave: Number 9: I'm whiny-Carson retired twenty years ago and I treat Jay Leno like he's Moby Dick.
Paul: Moby Dick.
Dave: Number 8: I think it's funny if I repeat words I say like "political pundit." Paul: Political Pundit.
Dave: Number 7: I'm crotchety.
Paul: Crotchety.
Dave: Number 6: I actually have to use laugh signs.
Paul: Oh, laugh signs huh?
Dave: Number 5: I don't ask guests real questions that stimulate their minds-instead I'll interview Hugh Laurie and ask him if his name is Hugh Laurie.
Paul: Ah, Hugh Laurie.
Dave: Number 4: If a guest says something awkward, I'll just look at the audience and furrow my brow.
Paul: Furrow your brow, huh? Dave: Number 3: I won't appear even mildly interested in what my guests are saying.
Paul: What your guests are saying Dave.
Dave: Number 2: I meanly pounce on celebrity scandals like a Tiger-Speaking of Tiger, did you know that his wife is threatening to wedge his nine-iron?
(Laughter sign blinks, fake laughter)
Paul:Nine-iron, wedge, golf.
Dave: And the number 1 reason I'm not funny: I actually have to make out a list.
(Applause sign blinks, fake applause ,or it could be real, the show end in seconds)
Paul: You have to make a list!
Alan: This is Alan Kalter speaking: Good night everybody, better than mine anyway.
Time: Present Day, though if anyone had common sense it wouldn't be.
Tone: Deaf
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
David Letterman: The gap-toothed Host of Late Night. A cynical man who is jealous of Jay Leno because Jay's funny and he's not.
Paul Shaffer: A rare breed of shaved parrot. Serves to repeat everything that Dave says and act as what I'm guessing is a bandleader.
Alan Kalter: Announcer for the show. Not his fault.
Dave: Alright Ladies and Gentlemen, here's tonight's top 10 list.
(Music enters) Dave: Tonight's top 10 list: Top 10 Reasons I'm Not Funny.
(Applause sign lights up, people forced to clap, dually regretting an evening wasted)
Dave: Number 10:I'm a cynic
Paul: Oh, a cynic, huh?
Dave: Number 9: I'm whiny-Carson retired twenty years ago and I treat Jay Leno like he's Moby Dick.
Paul: Moby Dick.
Dave: Number 8: I think it's funny if I repeat words I say like "political pundit." Paul: Political Pundit.
Dave: Number 7: I'm crotchety.
Paul: Crotchety.
Dave: Number 6: I actually have to use laugh signs.
Paul: Oh, laugh signs huh?
Dave: Number 5: I don't ask guests real questions that stimulate their minds-instead I'll interview Hugh Laurie and ask him if his name is Hugh Laurie.
Paul: Ah, Hugh Laurie.
Dave: Number 4: If a guest says something awkward, I'll just look at the audience and furrow my brow.
Paul: Furrow your brow, huh? Dave: Number 3: I won't appear even mildly interested in what my guests are saying.
Paul: What your guests are saying Dave.
Dave: Number 2: I meanly pounce on celebrity scandals like a Tiger-Speaking of Tiger, did you know that his wife is threatening to wedge his nine-iron?
(Laughter sign blinks, fake laughter)
Paul:Nine-iron, wedge, golf.
Dave: And the number 1 reason I'm not funny: I actually have to make out a list.
(Applause sign blinks, fake applause ,or it could be real, the show end in seconds)
Paul: You have to make a list!
Alan: This is Alan Kalter speaking: Good night everybody, better than mine anyway.