Mysteries of Lisbon (2011–2020)
4/10
Had the whole cinema checking their phones for the time
27 November 2011
Warning: Spoilers
I rarely had out 1's, and this film, while an exercise in endurance, cramping, and boredom, is not entirely garbage. The costumes and set are fairly acceptable for a period drama. The actors seemed competent.

But beyond that, almost everything else about the film is garbage, and frankly I emerged from the cinema quite angry at having wasted 5 hours of my life (including intermission which only prolonged the pain) on it.

Part One (i.e the first two hours) isn't so bad. By itself, and with almost ANY ending tacked on, it would probably rate 7/10. If I can still remember, I think it was about an orphan boy being raised in a religious environment, who is attacked for being a bastard son, and his mother comes to visit him during his recovery. From there, the tale unfolds about his mother's life and how she was unable to marry the man she loved (both of them being second-born) and being forced to marry someone else while pregnant with him.

But it gets more and more convoluted and meaningless as the film drags on. You really feel the weight of it on your eyelids as the second part opens, and I swear it is as if not one of the characters from the first part is recognizable in the second part for about two hours.

Frankly, I stopped caring, and amused myself watching everyone else not caring either, as we checked our cell phones for the time: 5:00. 5:15. 5:30. Oh, God, when will it end?! 6:00. 6:15. 6:30. 6:45. 7:00! Freedom! We bolted for the nearest exit. (This was an art cinema crowd, by the way).

I weighed the possibility of complaining to the manager about the film, and demanding a refund based solely on the film's worthlessness, something I have NEVER done in a cinema. But I decided I'd rather just be done with it, and I got out of there.

I hope your experience is better than mine, but don't count on it. You've been warned.

Don't believe the hype.
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