I actually found myself watching a movie in the early morning hours by the name of "Darkside Witches." It's predecessor named "The Really Nice and Spunky Eastside Witches" is about a wondrous group of likable witches that help the elderly, make tasty treats for bake sales and do magic tricks at kids birthday parties and was only seen by three people. One of those people was my next door neighbor who temporarily lost his sight for a week after viewing it. The film has been confiscated and placed in an impenetrable vault by the military for use at a later date.
"Darkside Witches" is a completely inane and incompetently Italian film that IF you make it through to the end you will have a similar reaction to mine. My first thought was "What the HELL was that?" The director/writer/ janitor (Yes he did it all) could not make up his mind whether to make a horror movie or a porno movie. I must admit a fascination for the sex portion of the movie since it is badly dubbed and I found myself laughing at the inane dialogue. Is dialogue REALLY necessary for a porn scene? Obviously some of the actors are employed in the porn industry.
Here are various variables I learned about life as I watched this particular movie.
That people do have only their reality and a small portion of it shared. Two police officers and the town's mayor all clearly see a 300 pound demonic reptilian quadruped jump from the bushes just ten feet from where they are carrying on a conversation and it even roars at them menacingly. Does that phase them? No.The youngest officer later in the movie has this beast run across the road in front of him as he is driving at night. He makes a comment to his passenger about the "Strange dog." RIGHT!
All demonic voices with NO exception in every horror movies features a voice digitally lowered 3 octaves or more and has a flanged effect integrated. Just once I would love to hear a normal voice speak or how about something completely different, a high pitched voice or a speech impediment.
Witches when in the process of being burned at the stake by the inquisition shoot into the night sky as dark cylinders that explode like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The inquisitors just stood there and said "Ooooh" and "Awwww" as the sky lit up in various colors their mouth agape.
Priest can be heinously burned and still proceed in their duties as a priest. Just wrap yourself up like a mummy with the exception of the mouth and one eye. Do not care it is disconcerting to the congregation that you never change the bandages and they are appallingly soaked and stained with blood and seeping fluid. Who cares? I will take communion from that nasty ass hand you are holding the communion wafer in!
Witches have a certain wardrobe agenda when approaching that very special end of the world and Satan is going to be in control ceremony. It is made clear it is a very small Italian village. All the witches with the exception of the coven leader are all wearing very elaborately created leather outfits. They must have traveled a vast distance to have these tailored made. Satan apparently loves leather. One was wearing white leather after Labor Day which is a fashion big no-no.
Always have a science person with you when fighting the forces of evil so that they can utilize complex equipment to attempt to give alternate explanations for the parallel dimensions you are being dragged into while assailed by demons. Not a good time to be doing research utilizing calculation, postulations and conjecture to arrive at a cogent possibility.
Priest are much more effective against the powers of darkness when wearing a leather riding duster and looking like he should have a half smoked stogie in his mouth via Clint Eastwood. I almost half expected the score to be written by Ennio Morricone. I love his scores. Our hero should have been "The priest with no name!"
These are just a few of the joys that encompass this film. All in all it is a completely enigmatic, incomprehensible hodgepodge of bad acting, bad CGI work and it is left open ended for a sequel. OH joy!
"Darkside Witches" is a completely inane and incompetently Italian film that IF you make it through to the end you will have a similar reaction to mine. My first thought was "What the HELL was that?" The director/writer/ janitor (Yes he did it all) could not make up his mind whether to make a horror movie or a porno movie. I must admit a fascination for the sex portion of the movie since it is badly dubbed and I found myself laughing at the inane dialogue. Is dialogue REALLY necessary for a porn scene? Obviously some of the actors are employed in the porn industry.
Here are various variables I learned about life as I watched this particular movie.
That people do have only their reality and a small portion of it shared. Two police officers and the town's mayor all clearly see a 300 pound demonic reptilian quadruped jump from the bushes just ten feet from where they are carrying on a conversation and it even roars at them menacingly. Does that phase them? No.The youngest officer later in the movie has this beast run across the road in front of him as he is driving at night. He makes a comment to his passenger about the "Strange dog." RIGHT!
All demonic voices with NO exception in every horror movies features a voice digitally lowered 3 octaves or more and has a flanged effect integrated. Just once I would love to hear a normal voice speak or how about something completely different, a high pitched voice or a speech impediment.
Witches when in the process of being burned at the stake by the inquisition shoot into the night sky as dark cylinders that explode like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The inquisitors just stood there and said "Ooooh" and "Awwww" as the sky lit up in various colors their mouth agape.
Priest can be heinously burned and still proceed in their duties as a priest. Just wrap yourself up like a mummy with the exception of the mouth and one eye. Do not care it is disconcerting to the congregation that you never change the bandages and they are appallingly soaked and stained with blood and seeping fluid. Who cares? I will take communion from that nasty ass hand you are holding the communion wafer in!
Witches have a certain wardrobe agenda when approaching that very special end of the world and Satan is going to be in control ceremony. It is made clear it is a very small Italian village. All the witches with the exception of the coven leader are all wearing very elaborately created leather outfits. They must have traveled a vast distance to have these tailored made. Satan apparently loves leather. One was wearing white leather after Labor Day which is a fashion big no-no.
Always have a science person with you when fighting the forces of evil so that they can utilize complex equipment to attempt to give alternate explanations for the parallel dimensions you are being dragged into while assailed by demons. Not a good time to be doing research utilizing calculation, postulations and conjecture to arrive at a cogent possibility.
Priest are much more effective against the powers of darkness when wearing a leather riding duster and looking like he should have a half smoked stogie in his mouth via Clint Eastwood. I almost half expected the score to be written by Ennio Morricone. I love his scores. Our hero should have been "The priest with no name!"
These are just a few of the joys that encompass this film. All in all it is a completely enigmatic, incomprehensible hodgepodge of bad acting, bad CGI work and it is left open ended for a sequel. OH joy!