Having just tripped over the main event, so to speak, of this production reairing on Court TV 2, I had to weigh on its ... weightlessness from a mere few minutes! Whatever went on before I sought escape from some typical crappy insurance ads, I "don't know & care less" after this small, exposure, but if it's emblematic of what follows, then its unenthusiastic ratings here are truly deserved. So this fragment started with an exterior shot of a seriously tiresome - with color scheme to match - suburban McHouse that cut to some woman unwrapping stuff on a sofa, thence to a Japanese restaurant where an M/F couple were being ushered into a dining space. The onscreen program guide - sans date or actors, leading to a no-fun search here through a well-worn title - detailed a kidnapped husband, so I deduced they were the ones about to have some tempura, Rudely Interrupted as the next shot of a Ford van pulling up outside (complete with fake braking skirrtt! sound both improbable at slow speeds & a Hollywood staple SFX) carrying 2 masked bandits. In they went, stealthily stalking the peaceful place while the M mentioned to the F about his wife - oh so that ain't her - & somehow, as these Bad Men threw aside various door panels & aimed their weapons at diners who, if real could hardly have been accustomed to such greetings, responded uniformly with only a small slight scream from the female patrons. Huh? Nobody, since the gunmen moved it along quickly after not finding their target, either got on their phones (a Hot Little Number called 911) or seized a golden opportunity to skip out on the check by having to, reasonably, flee in terror (then make that hot call). Instead, after (of course) the last room is crashed in & the target dragged out, his dining partner is STILL the only person to emerge, & immediately gets picked off. Then the Charming Hostess, who had hitherto ducked into some screened doorway ("Oh goody!" she's able to make that elusive Hot Call) emerges holding who knows what - not a samurai sword, that's for sure - as the captors are booking it with their Prize Catch de la Day, & she gets taken down. (Did she make that call or what?) Great. The only 2 casualties both are women. And, despite the captive's partner managing louder screams both at that crashing invasion & when she gets it, this whole process including the shootings lacks the slightest bit of tensioned buildup to its underwhelming climactic end. Wannabe, that is. With both bullets depicted as leaving the gun with only a polite silencer hiss - so much for the short whistling "cheown!" of decades' standing - & not a trace either of exiting smoke or an entering wound, the audience are left just watching mildly (more than a few laughing, I Doubt Not) feeling no fright or concern. I definitely wasn't. After this latest B-minus lightweight, this Court TV 2 - since none appear on the reconstituted original - is in no-joke need of upgraded "crime" movie selections that won't yield rolling eyes, yawns & ROFL moments. Still these days we can all use more laughs, & this is just 1 sample of them delivering such weekly goods.
Review of Captive Hearts
