In my opinion, the real baddie around Halloween time is sugar. It's the undisputed king of rot. But I've read some negative things online about this movie, so let's find out if Hollow Gate can give sugar a run for its money at the title.
Am I watching the right movie - is this Dolls?
I bought my Halloween pumpkin today and paid 12 bucks for it. And as usual, I ruined the facial design again.
So what is this - a Nickelodeon movie?
Does anyone want to show some enthusiasm about being in this movie? Come on, look alive, people.
What's the annoying guitar rock score you can faintly hear in the background?
So, um, some drunken father, inspired by Halloween 2, tries to drown his six-year-old son, who was innocently dunking for apples. Sulking, the humiliated drowned kid then speaks blasphemous revelations, "I hate Halloween." Yes, you and I both, kid.
Jump ten years later, and some gas station attendant pumps two bucks of gas into a couple's car and sets it alight with the woman's panties. Jump another 2 years down the track, and it appears the arsonist, "Mark," is our killer. (Must be the grumpy kid from the start?)
I'm being patient with you, movie, but like they say in boxing terms, "Show me something."
Basically, Mark's a Michael Myers wannabe. He's put through the courts, evaluated by state doctors, and then left to the care of his grandma, only for him to turn on her with scissors and insults.
A carload of Uber drivers deliver some Halloween costumes to Mark's Hollow Gate mansion. He traps them inside with the intention of hunting them down. For what reason - who knows?
Our killer, Mark, is uninspiring. He's just some preppy valedictorian who wears windbreaker sweaters and corduroys. The Uber drivers are hunted on Mark's vast property, and like the nimrods they are, they decide to split up. Safety in numbers, people.
One Uber driver down already. That leaves Huey, Dewey, and Luey there for the taking. They find the time to have a threesome while our killer, Mark 'O' Myers, keeps changing costumes to fit his split personality.
They should have cast Clint Howard as the killer in this. He would have been more convincing.
Uber drivers are dropping like flies. One just copped it through his thigh. That's a main artery shot. Technically, you should be dead, but he just gets up and runs off. Look at him walking normally. (In real life, you wouldn't be able to stand up, let alone walk.)
I'll give Hollow Gate 3 out of 10. It's better than that Terror Vision I watched last night. And it's better than the worst movie in the world, After Last Season. And one point for the Halloween-themed nature of the movie.
Long story short, just watch the trailer for this movie. It shows you the whole film in under 2 minutes.
Other than that, keep away.
PS Sugar's still the undisputed king of Halloween for badness.
Revised review - 2024.
A Halloween-themed movie only a few weeks after Christmas?
Don't feel right.
As if kids would bob for apples when there's a plethora of junk food at hand.
"I hate Halloween. It's dumb." All those in favor of these remarks raise their hands.
A drunken, deadbeat father tries to drown his son in apple water and single-handedly ruins everyone's good time.
Cut to ten years later, and that same humiliated kid is pumping gas on Halloween night.
Every day and every night is Halloween in this movie.
For no reason other than jealousy, Mark Bolton roasts the two trick-or-treaters alive.
Speaking of number two, the movie then jumps another two years ahead, and it seems Mark Bolton didn't serve any time for two counts of first-degree murder.
Speaking of the number one, I think the furnace was a tad hotter than a degree.
The name Mark Bolton doesn't exactly send a chill up your spine.
If I were to say, "Don't fear the reaper, fella," you would, as you know he's in the same league as the boogeyman or sandman.
But Mark Bolton? He looks like the son of Kevin Tighe.
And what springs to mind when you say Mark Bolton? Yep, you guessed it, that, um, I can't believe it's not butter, said I loved you, but I lied singer Michael Bolton.
Bolton's assessed and determined to be fit to integrate with the public after stalking a girl.
Left in the care of his fruit bat grandmother, the odds are short that Bolton wants her out of the picture.
Mark Bolton is kept locked up in the attic, and his grandma looks like Bernice Worden's severed head in Ed Gein's cooking pot.
Not only is Mark Bolton generic, but his appearance lives up to those standards as well.
The last words Worden hears before meeting her maker are, "You filthy old hag." Apparently, Mark Bolton detests Halloween with a passion as it's rolled around again.
Four victims drop into Spirit Halloween and cut a deal to drop off boxes of costumes in exchange for a nine-dollar glitter wig. Did no one have the guts to inform that chick that she looks ridiculous in the stupid pink phony hair?
They're directed to Mark Bolton's Hollow Gate mansion, and as soon as they enter the premises, they're not coming out.
It doesn't take long for Mark Bolton to alert the party of four that they're in danger with targets on their backs.
Okay, let me if I may. Are you telling me these four strong individuals couldn't overpower that weasel?
And if the property is surrounded by an electrical fence, then why not pop the van in neutral, push it down to the entrance, and just scale over the wall?
Where are your thinking caps, people?
I'll tell you, if you're ever in a jam, you better pray I'm on your team. I think ten moves ahead, and I'd already be on the outside of Hollow Gate by now.
As for these four clowns trapped on the inside, they're sitting ducks, planted idle, and debating battle tactics.
One jock is down already. He had stabbing pains in his chest. There are racist comments in his scene, which wouldn't be accepted in today's sensitive times.
So any snowflakes, you may take offense at the army kill scene.
This reminds me of all the girls being hunted in 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3.' Speaking of the number three, there are three left to be picked off, and if I remember correctly, only one girl survives at the end.
The problem with 'Hollow Gate' is that you can't take the killer seriously.
He's far from convincing as a killer. He shoots a nerd with a direct hit to a main artery in his thigh. Technically, he'd bleed to death in less than ten minutes, but look, he's not even limping in this movie and can even run around freely at full speed.
A lot of the movie is wasted sitting around talking and weeping like the victims they are.
The nerd is eventually eaten up by dogs.
It doesn't work that way in real life.
I watched a gore video last year where two Pit Bulls couldn't end a man's life as they were spent after only a few minutes due to a lack of stamina.
The last victim is taken hostage, and it kind of turns into 'Dr. Giggles' in a 'Saw' movie.
Victim number four manages to escape and plants a big knife in Mark Bolton's gullet, but no worries; he soldiers on as it has no effect on him.
He's super human, as some cops arrive at the end and pump two rounds into his head, yet he survives this as well.
The two cops would probably be grilled by internal affairs, kicked off the team, or sent to prison just for doing their job if this were 2024.
Am I watching the right movie - is this Dolls?
I bought my Halloween pumpkin today and paid 12 bucks for it. And as usual, I ruined the facial design again.
So what is this - a Nickelodeon movie?
Does anyone want to show some enthusiasm about being in this movie? Come on, look alive, people.
What's the annoying guitar rock score you can faintly hear in the background?
So, um, some drunken father, inspired by Halloween 2, tries to drown his six-year-old son, who was innocently dunking for apples. Sulking, the humiliated drowned kid then speaks blasphemous revelations, "I hate Halloween." Yes, you and I both, kid.
Jump ten years later, and some gas station attendant pumps two bucks of gas into a couple's car and sets it alight with the woman's panties. Jump another 2 years down the track, and it appears the arsonist, "Mark," is our killer. (Must be the grumpy kid from the start?)
I'm being patient with you, movie, but like they say in boxing terms, "Show me something."
Basically, Mark's a Michael Myers wannabe. He's put through the courts, evaluated by state doctors, and then left to the care of his grandma, only for him to turn on her with scissors and insults.
A carload of Uber drivers deliver some Halloween costumes to Mark's Hollow Gate mansion. He traps them inside with the intention of hunting them down. For what reason - who knows?
Our killer, Mark, is uninspiring. He's just some preppy valedictorian who wears windbreaker sweaters and corduroys. The Uber drivers are hunted on Mark's vast property, and like the nimrods they are, they decide to split up. Safety in numbers, people.
One Uber driver down already. That leaves Huey, Dewey, and Luey there for the taking. They find the time to have a threesome while our killer, Mark 'O' Myers, keeps changing costumes to fit his split personality.
They should have cast Clint Howard as the killer in this. He would have been more convincing.
Uber drivers are dropping like flies. One just copped it through his thigh. That's a main artery shot. Technically, you should be dead, but he just gets up and runs off. Look at him walking normally. (In real life, you wouldn't be able to stand up, let alone walk.)
I'll give Hollow Gate 3 out of 10. It's better than that Terror Vision I watched last night. And it's better than the worst movie in the world, After Last Season. And one point for the Halloween-themed nature of the movie.
Long story short, just watch the trailer for this movie. It shows you the whole film in under 2 minutes.
Other than that, keep away.
PS Sugar's still the undisputed king of Halloween for badness.
Revised review - 2024.
A Halloween-themed movie only a few weeks after Christmas?
Don't feel right.
As if kids would bob for apples when there's a plethora of junk food at hand.
"I hate Halloween. It's dumb." All those in favor of these remarks raise their hands.
A drunken, deadbeat father tries to drown his son in apple water and single-handedly ruins everyone's good time.
Cut to ten years later, and that same humiliated kid is pumping gas on Halloween night.
Every day and every night is Halloween in this movie.
For no reason other than jealousy, Mark Bolton roasts the two trick-or-treaters alive.
Speaking of number two, the movie then jumps another two years ahead, and it seems Mark Bolton didn't serve any time for two counts of first-degree murder.
Speaking of the number one, I think the furnace was a tad hotter than a degree.
The name Mark Bolton doesn't exactly send a chill up your spine.
If I were to say, "Don't fear the reaper, fella," you would, as you know he's in the same league as the boogeyman or sandman.
But Mark Bolton? He looks like the son of Kevin Tighe.
And what springs to mind when you say Mark Bolton? Yep, you guessed it, that, um, I can't believe it's not butter, said I loved you, but I lied singer Michael Bolton.
Bolton's assessed and determined to be fit to integrate with the public after stalking a girl.
Left in the care of his fruit bat grandmother, the odds are short that Bolton wants her out of the picture.
Mark Bolton is kept locked up in the attic, and his grandma looks like Bernice Worden's severed head in Ed Gein's cooking pot.
Not only is Mark Bolton generic, but his appearance lives up to those standards as well.
The last words Worden hears before meeting her maker are, "You filthy old hag." Apparently, Mark Bolton detests Halloween with a passion as it's rolled around again.
Four victims drop into Spirit Halloween and cut a deal to drop off boxes of costumes in exchange for a nine-dollar glitter wig. Did no one have the guts to inform that chick that she looks ridiculous in the stupid pink phony hair?
They're directed to Mark Bolton's Hollow Gate mansion, and as soon as they enter the premises, they're not coming out.
It doesn't take long for Mark Bolton to alert the party of four that they're in danger with targets on their backs.
Okay, let me if I may. Are you telling me these four strong individuals couldn't overpower that weasel?
And if the property is surrounded by an electrical fence, then why not pop the van in neutral, push it down to the entrance, and just scale over the wall?
Where are your thinking caps, people?
I'll tell you, if you're ever in a jam, you better pray I'm on your team. I think ten moves ahead, and I'd already be on the outside of Hollow Gate by now.
As for these four clowns trapped on the inside, they're sitting ducks, planted idle, and debating battle tactics.
One jock is down already. He had stabbing pains in his chest. There are racist comments in his scene, which wouldn't be accepted in today's sensitive times.
So any snowflakes, you may take offense at the army kill scene.
This reminds me of all the girls being hunted in 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3.' Speaking of the number three, there are three left to be picked off, and if I remember correctly, only one girl survives at the end.
The problem with 'Hollow Gate' is that you can't take the killer seriously.
He's far from convincing as a killer. He shoots a nerd with a direct hit to a main artery in his thigh. Technically, he'd bleed to death in less than ten minutes, but look, he's not even limping in this movie and can even run around freely at full speed.
A lot of the movie is wasted sitting around talking and weeping like the victims they are.
The nerd is eventually eaten up by dogs.
It doesn't work that way in real life.
I watched a gore video last year where two Pit Bulls couldn't end a man's life as they were spent after only a few minutes due to a lack of stamina.
The last victim is taken hostage, and it kind of turns into 'Dr. Giggles' in a 'Saw' movie.
Victim number four manages to escape and plants a big knife in Mark Bolton's gullet, but no worries; he soldiers on as it has no effect on him.
He's super human, as some cops arrive at the end and pump two rounds into his head, yet he survives this as well.
The two cops would probably be grilled by internal affairs, kicked off the team, or sent to prison just for doing their job if this were 2024.