Also known as Kung Fu Rivals and the incredible title Kung Fu Emanuelle, Ninja In the Claws of the CIA was directed by John Liu, its star and the creator of the martial art Zen Kwun Do. In this film, that's the fighting power that America's CIA wants John, playing himself, to teach to their agents. Russia has already invented a strong fight skill and the Western powers believe that only Zen Kwun Do is strong enough to fight back. But that style means that its fighters must self-hypnotize themselves to forget lust and pain, something that Liu believes Americans can never do. But then they trick him into doing exactly that.
Once Liu - again, playing himself in a role where hushed world leaders stare at his karate magazine covers, which are as fake inside as pro wrestling magazines - is assigned to a base for training, he learns Pascho (Roger Paschy) is already teaching the men an art that makes them go insane. He saves one such fighter, Ho Wong (Casanova Wong) by giving him a rabbit in a box. It gets ripped to pieces and it seems that Ho Wong is unsaveable.
Yes, this movie is really weird and wonderful because of it.
It gets weirder.
Pascho doesn't believe that Zen Kwun Do fighters can forget about sex. So he hires Gisete (Jolanda Egger, Playboy Playmate of the month for June 1983) to try and get him hard, all while Ho Wong keeps kicking him. He has to keep horse riding stance - used for practicing punches or to strengthen the legs and back - while she basically goes down on him. He stays soft because that's how much of a man he is.
This all happens before Liu and CIA analyst Caroline (Mirta Miller, Blindman, Bolero, Santo vs. Dr. Death, The Shark Hunter, Eyeball; has anyone had a stranger and more amazing body of work?) go on the run. Or maybe he's dating single mother Raquel Evans (Emmanuelle y Carol). Or perhaps he's starting a martial arts school. But he's totally fighting people inside a ceramic shop, which is an excuse to destroy pottery on the level that Hong Kong stunt teams would go on to smash glass in the 1980s.
None of this adds up, as scenes neither begin or end. They just appear. Cities are mentioned, locations are suggested, but this movie has a lack of logic that even Godfrey Ho wouldn't be able to achieve. Liu is, as you may already know, the original director of New York Ninja, another movie that baffles the mind. He also made two other films, Dragon Blood and Zen Kwan Do Strikes Paris.
Oh yeah. John also has an identical twin brother who was in Vietnam but is now in a wheelchair. This is presented as a major story element and never really referred to again. Also: every woman who gets close to John dies. Don't have sex with this man. Or try and blow him in the woods while he does martial arts moves.
That being mentioned, this movie does shine a light on the strange techniques the CIA tried to teach its agents. Of course, it's hidden within a rambling martial arts movie that maybe ten people other than me are into, so while the truth is out there, the truth is hidden in a martial arts movie from 1983 that looks like it is a seventh generation VHS dub just placed into the wilds of the internet.
It also has a scene of John Liu doing martial arts in front of the Eiffel Tower just so you know that he really filmed some of this movie in Paris.
Once Liu - again, playing himself in a role where hushed world leaders stare at his karate magazine covers, which are as fake inside as pro wrestling magazines - is assigned to a base for training, he learns Pascho (Roger Paschy) is already teaching the men an art that makes them go insane. He saves one such fighter, Ho Wong (Casanova Wong) by giving him a rabbit in a box. It gets ripped to pieces and it seems that Ho Wong is unsaveable.
Yes, this movie is really weird and wonderful because of it.
It gets weirder.
Pascho doesn't believe that Zen Kwun Do fighters can forget about sex. So he hires Gisete (Jolanda Egger, Playboy Playmate of the month for June 1983) to try and get him hard, all while Ho Wong keeps kicking him. He has to keep horse riding stance - used for practicing punches or to strengthen the legs and back - while she basically goes down on him. He stays soft because that's how much of a man he is.
This all happens before Liu and CIA analyst Caroline (Mirta Miller, Blindman, Bolero, Santo vs. Dr. Death, The Shark Hunter, Eyeball; has anyone had a stranger and more amazing body of work?) go on the run. Or maybe he's dating single mother Raquel Evans (Emmanuelle y Carol). Or perhaps he's starting a martial arts school. But he's totally fighting people inside a ceramic shop, which is an excuse to destroy pottery on the level that Hong Kong stunt teams would go on to smash glass in the 1980s.
None of this adds up, as scenes neither begin or end. They just appear. Cities are mentioned, locations are suggested, but this movie has a lack of logic that even Godfrey Ho wouldn't be able to achieve. Liu is, as you may already know, the original director of New York Ninja, another movie that baffles the mind. He also made two other films, Dragon Blood and Zen Kwan Do Strikes Paris.
Oh yeah. John also has an identical twin brother who was in Vietnam but is now in a wheelchair. This is presented as a major story element and never really referred to again. Also: every woman who gets close to John dies. Don't have sex with this man. Or try and blow him in the woods while he does martial arts moves.
That being mentioned, this movie does shine a light on the strange techniques the CIA tried to teach its agents. Of course, it's hidden within a rambling martial arts movie that maybe ten people other than me are into, so while the truth is out there, the truth is hidden in a martial arts movie from 1983 that looks like it is a seventh generation VHS dub just placed into the wilds of the internet.
It also has a scene of John Liu doing martial arts in front of the Eiffel Tower just so you know that he really filmed some of this movie in Paris.