Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1936)

Lionel Stander: Cornelius Cobb 'Corny'

Photos 

Quotes 

• Cornelius Cobb : [Reading entrance sign of Mandrake Falls town, written by Deeds]  Welcome to Mandrake Falls / Where the scenery enthralls / Where no hardship e'er befalls / Welcome to Mandrake Falls.

• Cornelius Cobb : You're wasting your time. He doesn't want any lawyers. He's sunk so low he doesn't want help from anybody. You can take a bow for that. As swell a guy as ever hit this town, and you crucified him for a couple of stinking headlines. You've done your bit. Now, stay out of his way.

• Cornelius Cobb : [Approaching a Vermont farmer who is busy unloading boxes]  Good morning!

  Farmer : Morning, neighbors. 'Morning.

  Cornelius Cobb : A...

  [farmer walks away with a box] 

  Cornelius Cobb : That's an excellent start. At least we've broken the ice.

  John Cedar : [the farmer returns]  I say, my friend, do you know a fellow by the name of Longfellow Deeds?

  Farmer : Deeds?

  John Cedar : Yes.

  Farmer : Yes, sir. Yes, indeedy. Everyone knows Deeds.

  John Cedar : Yeah, we...

  [farmer walks away with a box] 

  Cornelius Cobb : Must be a game he's playing.

  John Cedar : [the farmer returns]  We'd like to get in touch with him. It's very important.

  Farmer : Who's that?

  John Cedar : Deeds! Who do you think I am talking about?

  Farmer : Oh, yes, Deeds. Fine fellow. Very democratic. You won't have no trouble at all. Talks to anybody.

  [walks away with a box] 

  John Cedar : I guess we'd better try somebody else.

  Cornelius Cobb : No. We won't. The next time that jumping jack comes out, I'll straddle him while you ask him your questions.

  Farmer : 'Morning, neighbor.

  Cornelius Cobb : Remember us, the fellows who were here a minute ago?

  Farmer : Oh, yeah. Yes, indeedy. I never forget a face.

  Cornelius Cobb : Listen, pop. We've come all the way from New York to look up a fellow by the name of Deeds. It's important. It's *very* important.

  Farmer : You don't have to get rough, neighbor. All you've got to do is ask.

  Cornelius Cobb : Then *please* pretend, for just one fleeting moment, that I'm asking. Where does he reside?

  Farmer : Who?

  [Cobb gives up in desperation] 

• Butler : The gentlemen from the opera are still waiting in the boardroom, sir. They're getting a trifle impatient, sir.

  Longfellow Deeds : They are? I forgot all about them. What do you think they want?

  John Cedar : Well, your uncle was chairman of the Board of Directors. They probably expect you to carry on.

  Cornelius Cobb : I'll tell those mugs to keep their shirts on.

• Longfellow Deeds : Gee, I'm busy. Do the opera people always come here for their meetings?

  Cornelius Cobb : Uu-hum.

  Longfellow Deeds : That's funny. Why is that?

  Cornelius Cobb : Why do mice go where there's cheese?

• Cornelius Cobb : I can't hold out any longer: lamb bites wolf. Beautiful.

• Longfellow Deeds : Cedar, Cedar, Cedar and Budington. Funny, I can't think of a rhyme for "Budington".

  Cornelius Cobb : Why should you?

  Longfellow Deeds : Well, whenever I run across the funny name, I like to poke around for a rhyme.

• Cornelius Cobb : He writes poetry?

  Mrs. Meredith - Housekeeper : Oh, my goodness, yes. Longfellow's famous! He writes all those things on post cards. You know, for Christmas and Easter and Birthdays. Sit down, please. Here's one. He got $25 for this one! "When you've nowhere to turn, And you're filled with doubt, Don't stand in midstream hesitating, For you know that your Mother's heart cries out, 'I'm waiting, my boy. I'm waiting.'" Isn't that beautiful? Isn't it a lovely sentiment?

  Cornelius Cobb : Yeah.

• John Cedar : I have good news for you, sir. Mr. Semple left a large fortune when he died. He left it all to you, Mr. Deeds. Deducting the taxes, it amounts to something in the neighborhood of $20,000,000.

  Mrs. Meredith - Housekeeper : How about lunch? Are the gentlemen going to stay or not?

  Longfellow Deeds : Of course they're going to stay. She's got some fresh orange layered cake, you know, with the thick stuff on the top. Sure, they don't want to go to the hotel.

  [starts playing the tuba] 

  John Cedar : Perhaps you didn't hear what I said, Mr. Deeds. The whole Semple fortune goes to you: $20,000,000.

  Longfellow Deeds : Oh, yes, I heard you, all right. $20,000,000. That's quite a lot, isn't it.

  Cornelius Cobb : It'll do in a pinch.

  Longfellow Deeds : Yes, in deed. I wonder why he left me all that money. I don't need it.

  [returns to playing the tuba] 

• Cornelius Cobb : Look.

  John Cedar : What?

  Cornelius Cobb : That tuba player. Well, now I've seen everything.

• Cornelius Cobb : Well, how 'bout tonight? What would you like in the way of entertainment?

  Longfellow Deeds : Entertainment?

  Cornelius Cobb : Your uncle had a weakness for dark ones, tall and stately. How would you like yours? Dark or fair? Tall or short? Fat or thin? Tough or tender?

  Longfellow Deeds : What are you talking about?

  Cornelius Cobb : Women! Ever heard of 'em?

  Longfellow Deeds : Oh!

  Cornelius Cobb : Name your poison and I'll supply it.

  Longfellow Deeds : Some other time, Cobb. Some other time.

  Cornelius Cobb : Okay, you're the boss. When your blood begins to boil, yell out.

• Cornelius Cobb : They got you down as a sap!

  Longfellow Deeds : I think I'll go down and punch this editor in the nose.

  Cornelius Cobb : No you don't! Get this clear: socking people in the nose is no solution - for anything.

  Longfellow Deeds : Sometimes it's the only solution.

  Cornelius Cobb : Not editors! Take my word for it. Not editors!

• Cornelius Cobb : Listen, Longfellow. You got brains, kid. You'll get along swell, if you'll only curb your homicidal instincts and keep your trap shut. Don't talk to anybody. These news hounds are out gunning for you.

• Cornelius Cobb : She's the dame who slapped that moniker on you: Cinderella Man. You've been making love to a double-dose of cyanide!

• Cornelius Cobb : [on the phone]  Nah, nah, we're not buying any bulls. What's that? Listen, fella, bulls what I've been selling all my life.

• Cornelius Cobb : Listen, pal, I know just how you feel. A blonde in Syracuse put me through the same paces. I came out with a sour puss; but, full of fight! Come on, you don't wanna lay down now.