Black Christmas (2006)

Yan-Kay Crystal Lowe: Lauren Hannon

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lauren Hanon : Christmas is more about warding off evil spirits than Halloween. What Christmas shit in this room resembles anything Christian, huh? It's all neo-pagan magic. Christmas tree, a magical rite ensuring the return of the crops. The mistletoe is nothing but a conception charm. Fifth century Christians jacked a Roman Winter Festival - twelve days in December when the nights were long and the Earth was ruled by the demons of chaos. And fucking Santa Claus? This fat voyeur that watches you all year long to make sure you live up to his standards of decency before breaking into your house. And that is different from what Billy did, how?

• [Melissa is taking care of drunk Lauren, who is hugging the toilet] 

  Lauren Hanon : You know, you're a better sister to me than my own sister.

  Melissa Kitt : Yeah, and Dick Cheney is a better sister to you than your sister.

  Lauren Hanon : You know what I mean.

  [Melissa begins shaking vomit off of her hand] 

  Melissa Kitt : Yeah, I know, eww, I love you too, but honey, you're really, really smelly. You need to take a shower, can you handle it?

• Kelli Presely : [phone rings]  Alpha Kappa... hello? Hello, hello? Very funny, Kyle.

  Kelli Presely : I think someone's in trouble.

  [turns receiver onto speaker phone] 

  Billy Lenz : [on the telephone, in a muffled, maniacal voice]  Where is Agnes? Billy! What your mother and I must know is where is Agnes? Merry Christmas, Agnes. You are in my house, I can see you. Everyone should be home for Christmas! Santa Claus is dead.

  Lauren Hanon : Hey, shouldn't you get goin', don't you have lots of toys to deliver to good little boys and girls?

  Billy Lenz : I'm gonna kill you.

• Ms. Barbara MacHenry : Who hasn't gotten a gift yet? Oh, Lauren.

  Dana Mathis : Just give her a shot of tequila, and wish her happy holidays.

  [Dana hands Lauren a drink, who is already obviously drunk] 

  Melissa Kitt : Happy Holidays!

  [Lauren downs the shot of tequila, then takes a drink of her wine] 

  Melissa Kitt : Okay, I know this is supposed to be the whole "Secret Santa" thing, but, I know that Clair drew your name.

  Lauren Hanon : Oh, yeah, she get me anything good?

  Melissa Kitt : Oh yeah... it's a music box. It plays "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies".

  Lauren Hanon : Oh, fuck no. I'm already startin' to see the Sugar Plum Fairies, I don't need to hear the little fuckers too!

  Ms. Barbara MacHenry : Language, language!

• Lauren Hanon : [to Kelli]  I realize you're an only child, so let me explain: Christmas is just Darwin, the weak get eaten.

• Heather : Call the police!

  Lauren Hanon : Please. The police are gonna do shit about one wack job phone call.

  Dana Mathis : Just dial *69.

  Melissa Kitt : That just calls him back unless there's something you need him to clarify.

  Melissa Kitt : [checks caller ID; the phone reads Clark Crosby]  Caller ID says Clair's cell.

  Heather : [looking at Lauren]  You really shouldn't provoke someone like that.

  Lauren Hanon : What would you know about dealing with anyone other than your NASCAR daddy?

  Heather : I'm goin' home.

  Lauren Hanon : [Heather walks through Melissa and Lauren, bumping Lauren's shoulder]  Yeah, yeah. Run to daddy!

  Heather : [turns around]  At least my family wants me to come home.

  Kelli Presely : You guys. Come on. It's like, Christmas time.

  Ms. Barbara MacHenry : Yeah. Come on, Heather. What about your present?

  Heather : [turns, continues walking]  Give it to Billy.

  Heather : [turns back around and Eve appears in front of her; she gasps]