The Goodies (TV Series)

The Stone Age (1973)

Bill Oddie: Bill Oddie

Quotes 

• [the boys manipulate T-Rex's voicebox to amplify their call for help:] 

  Bill : Right, here we go. Help, please help us! We are trapped - repeat, trapped! - inside a prehistoric monster. Billions and billions of years old. Miles below ground. If you can't send help, at least send us a good ventriloquist.

• [peering into the hole Graeme has just plunged into] 

  Tim : Oi, Graeme? You were right.... Good grief, I can't see the bottom!

  Bill : I can't see *any* of him.

• Bill : If you can't move, who is going down there?

  Tim : [falsetto]  You are.

  Bill : Nope!

  Tim : Yes, you are. We're doing this according to the book. Listen.

  [reading] 

  Tim : "Rule Number One: Don't do it. Rule Number Two: If you're silly enough to try, one man should remain secured on the surface. He is known as the Anchor Man."

  Bill : You.

  Tim : Right. "The second man will go down the hole. He is known as the Reckless Loony."

• Graeme Garden : [as they enter the Tyrannosaur's stomach and look at the dried bones littered about]  Fascinating! It's lain here undisturbed since the Cretaceous Era! Look at this - the remains of its last meal!

  Bill : [Starts rooting through the bones]  Oh yes, very tasty, too. Look at this. A couple pterodactyls, for starters. A sabertooth tiger, one buffalo off-the-bone, and one cheese and chutney sandwich...

  [Suddenly stops] 

  Bill : Wait a minute. I thought you said this had lain here since the Cretaceous Era.

  Graeme Garden : I did.

  Bill : Well, there weren't any Sabertooth Tigers then, you fool! The subfamily of Sabertooth Tigers originated in the Oligocene period!

• Bill : Would you mind telling me why that "stalactite" there has a gold filling?

• Tim : HELP! We've been gobbled by a prehistoric monster!

  Bill : Tim!

  Tim : Help!

  Bill : Tim! Panicking does not help!

  Tim : Yes it does!

  Bill : Yes it does...

  Tim , Bill : HELP! HELP! HELP!

  Graeme Garden : Stop it, you two - that isn't doing any good! We'll just have to try and lift it. Right, one, two, three, HEAVE!

  [They strain and struggle to re-open the dinosaur's mouth, with minimal success] 

  Tim : Aaah! My hand! My hand! It's caught between it's teeth! IT'S TEETH!

  Bill : All right, all right, all right. Oy, Graeme! You got a toothpick?

  Graeme Garden : No, you fool! One, two, three...

  [He and Bill lift the mouth enough to get Tim's hand free but can't get it open the rest of the way] 

  Graeme Garden : Oh dear, this is no good. We'll just have to find another way out.

  Tim : Just be careful WHICH one you choose.

• Bill : [Bickering with Tim]  I'll tell YOU something, mate - we only keep you on because you can type!

  Tim : That's not true! I do the washing up as well. Which is more than you do, you... you...!

  [Finds himself unable to come up with an insult] 

  Tim : Oh, get your hair cut!

  Bill : Hair? What about YOUR hair? You look like Susan Hampshire!

  Tim : Maybe, maybe! But at least I don't DRESS like her! Trouser suits and necklaces...

  Bill : Yeah, well I've seen you getting dressed, haven't I? Yes, and I happen to know that YOU tuck your shirt inside your underpants! You do!

  Tim : Only in the winter!

• Graeme Garden : [pondering how to get out of the T-rex's innards]  I wonder if I could get up its nose?

  Bill : With the very greatest of ease, I should think! You get up mine, mate!