Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Shower Head (1996)

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Elaine Benes

Quotes 

• Cosmo Kramer : Look, I need the keys to your apartment, I gotta take a shower.

  Elaine Benes : What's wrong with your shower?

  Cosmo Kramer : There's no water pressure.

  Elaine Benes : Why don't you just go see Jerry?

  Cosmo Kramer : Jerry's got nothing. Newman's got nothing. You're the only one I know who's got the good stuff, and I need it bad, baby, cause I feel like I got bugs crawling up my skin. Now you gotta help me out.

  [Mr. Peterman walks past Elaine's office and assumes Kramer is trying to score drugs off Elaine] 

  J. Peterman : [barges in the office]  Not on my watch! I won't have you turning my office into a den of iniquity! Get your fix somewhere else!

• J. Peterman : So as a result of your test being free of opium, I am reinstating you.

  Elaine Benes : Oh! Yes! What a load off. So when are we going to Africa?

  J. Peterman : I'm afraid I can't take you

  Elaine Benes : What? Why not?

  J. Peterman : Elaine, according to your urine analysis, you're menopausal. you have the metabolism of a 68 year old woman.

  Elaine Benes : But I wanted to see the bushmen.

  J. Peterman : Oh, and one more thing. You may have osteoporosis.

• Elaine Benes : Hold on a second. Mrs. Seinfeld, I need your sample.

  Helen : You want my urine?

  Elaine Benes : I need a clean urine sample from a woman.

  Helen : I don't know.

  Elaine Benes : Oh please, Mrs. Seinfeld, please?

  Helen : Well, what am I gonna do it in?

  Elaine Benes : Well, one of those glasses.

  Helen : Jerry's glasses?

  Elaine Benes : Yeah, he won't mind. C'mon, you're his mom.

  Helen : Oh, I could uh - Should I use a coffee cup?

  Elaine Benes : Yeah, a coffee cup's fine.

  Helen : Or maybe a juice glass?

  Elaine Benes : Yes, fine, fine, a juice glass is perfect.

  Helen : This one is kind of scratched.

  Elaine Benes : It doesn't matter.

  Helen : How about a milk glass?

  Elaine Benes : A milk glass, a juice glass, any glass, just pick a glass

  Helen : Jerry doesn't wash these very well.

  Elaine Benes : Mrs. Seinfeld, pick a glass! Pick a glass, Mrs. Seinfeld!

• J. Peterman : I'm afraid I have some bad news, Elaine. It appears you will not be accompanying me to Africa.

  Elaine Benes : What? Why not?

  J. Peterman : I'm afraid it's your urine, Elaine. You tested positive for opium.

  Elaine Benes : Opium?

  J. Peterman : That's right, Elaine. White lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally.

  Elaine Benes : That's impossible, I've never done a drug in my life. Dr. Strugatz must have made a mistake.

  J. Peterman : Not a chance. I'm afraid I'll just have to find someone else to accompany me on my journey. The dark continent is no place for an addict, Elaine.