Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

I'd Like to Start with the Cat (2009)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Charlie Harper : You've been to couples counseling, right?

  Alan Harper : Yeah. Why?

  Charlie Harper : I'm going with Chelsea and I need to know what I'm getting into.

  Alan Harper : Oh, you're going to love it.

  Charlie Harper : I am?

  Alan Harper : Absolutely. Once a week, you sit on a couch with your significant other while she snips off your testicles, reaches up inside your chest cavity and goes like this

  [flicks his finger several times] 

  Alan Harper : to your heart.

  Charlie Harper : [grimacing]  That doesn't sound very good.

  Alan Harper : [grinning maniacally]  Oh, it's horrible! But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money, and your house, and your car, and

  [shouting] 

  Alan Harper : every last shred of your self-respect!

  Charlie Harper : You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.

  Alan Harper : Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm the perfect guy to ask. When Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished,

  [shouting] 

  Alan Harper : I came to live on your couch! God BLESS couples counseling!