Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Return of the Nostalgic Commercials (2011)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [as little boy]  Hey Joey, I just got a Nintendo Entertainment System, wanna play?

  [as other boy] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Fuck that shit, man, this kid's got BUBBLES.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Whenever bubbles is mentioned]  Fucking bubbles!

• Nostalgia Critic : [referring to a commercial for Cocoa Pebbles]  Okay, I'm sorry. I gotta address something with these commercials: here you got Barney, who's going to these EXTREME lengths to get Fred's cereal. Why doesn't he just go to the fucking store? I mean, my God! It's incredible the lengths he'll go to. I mean, his face is on the fucking box! You'd think he'd be able to get a free one every once in a while! And for that matter, why does Fred keep feeding into his habit? Why doesn't he just crack and tell him what he really needs to do?

  Fred Flintstone : Barney!

  Barney Rubble : [dressed as a rock star]  Uh-oh, this rock's got to roll!

  Nostalgia Critic : [talking like Fred]  Okay, Barney, before I chase you around in some comedic routine, I just want to ask you to do one thing: look at yourself. Just really look at yourself.

  [Barney looks sad] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, my God, Barney, my God. You're a pathetic wreck. I mean...

  [gestures toward a concert stage that Barney built to plan his scam] 

  Nostalgia Critic : That stage alone. How much did that cost you? Hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars? You keep doing this every week. Week after week, you blow your money away when you could be spending time with your family! This is why you're defaulting on your mortgage, Barn. This is why Betty has to strip.

  [takes out his wallet] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Here.

  [gives Barney some money] 

  Nostalgia Critic : There's, uh, twenty dollars. That's good for a couple boxes. Go. Go to the store, get a few. Enjoy yourself. You have a problem, Barn. You have a real serious problem. And it needs to be addressed. I mean, seriously, Barn, what is it about my cereal that sets it apart from other cereals?

  Barney Rubble : 'Cause it came from your wife's box.

  Nostalgia Critic : [taking out a gun and cocking it, still as Fred]  Okay, Barn, you're going down!

  [fires the gun at Barney, who runs off while being chased by Fred] 

  Fred Flintstone : [voiceover]  Post Cocoa Pebbles cereal, part of this nutritious breakfast. Yabba-dabba-delicious!

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Fred]  I'll make you eat YOUR wife's box!

• Announcer : Sega. The challenge will always be there.

  Nostalgia Critic : But the system will not.

• Nostalgia Critic : [while reviewing the He-Man phone commercial]  Fabulous stories as to what I may or may not be wearing will be revealed to you when you hold aloft your magic phone and say "I HAVE PARENTS' PERMISSION!"

  [He-Man theme plays as clip of Prince Adam turning into He-Man is shown; title card appears] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I HAVE PERMISSION!

• Nostalgia Critic : [talking about the Barbie cool car]  Actually, the fun thing I realize about this is, if that car was a little smaller, it'd be a boy's toy. Now, how weird is that? You'd think we'd be all about things being bigger and stronger, but no, we like them teeny-tiny. Have you ever noticed that? Girls got the huge convertibles; we got Micro-Machines. Girls get the giant detailed dolls; we get the little G.I. Joe action figures. I mean, at what point did we look at TV and say, "Ha! Fuck that giant pussy convertible! This is a man's car!"

  [holds up a Micro-Machine and looks at it, then tosses it aside in disgust] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [responding to a TV spot for a reissue of "Song of the South"]  Oh boy, better enjoy this movie while you can, folks, 'cause you will never see this in theaters again.

  Announcer : 'Cause he's the one and only Br'er Rabbit, back again on the big screen in Walt Disney's happiest classic "Song of the South".

  Nostalgia Critic : Did we mention that we even though we're just showing the animated scenes, they're about as long as this commercial? That's right, the rest is live action and dealing with incredibly slow-moving racial relations. Doesn't that sound like fun, kids?

  Announcer : Walt Disney's "Song of the South", rated G. Now playing at a theater near you.

  Nostalgia Critic : [quickly]  Warning: this Academy Award-winning movie Disney will soon be ashamed of. It may or may not be racially insensitive, honestly it's sort of hard to tell, but Disney's not gonna take that chance anyway. See the film that millions of people around the world are calling... "OKAY!"

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the giant bubble product]  And what do they call this incredible invention that brings people together? Bubble Thing. Wow. Was the marketing guy away from work that day? That's like the most unimaginative name I've ever heard for a product. It's like calling Transformers "Changey Things". Or G.I. Joes "Army n' Stuff". Or Hot Wheels... eeeeh-ey-ah-neh? Way to make us remember the product, guys!

• [this is in response to a Japanese commercial for a Zelda game, which has a rap theme] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Link]  Well, excuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!

• Nostalgia Critic : [responding to a commercial for the Skip Stik]  Hey, girls, looking for something more needlessly complicated than jump rope? Are you that little bitch that always needs to show off to make yourself feel loved? The kind whose mother will threaten the coach's family if you don't get a perfect score? This unnecessary addition to overachieving physical perfection is for you! Now, to be fair, maybe I'm being too harsh. I mean, physical fitness is important as long as you're just not doing it to show off.

  Announcer : Skip Stik. When you just want to show off.

  Nostalgia Critic : STOP!

• Nostalgia Critic : [responding to a commercial for the board game Grape Escape]  Grape Escape, because killing things that are smaller than you gives you power!

  [laughs evilly] 

• Nostalgia Critic : You are tearing me apart, Corn Pops!

• Nostalgia Critic : You are tearing me apart, Fun Fruit trees!

• Nostalgia Critic : Remember the Wuzzles? These toys were so popular, they got their own Disney TV show. And who can blame them? It's a pretty clever idea. These were toys that combined two kinds of animals, like half-hippo and half-rabbit. Nothing really wrong with these, except for one lyric that drives me nuts...

  Girl 1 in Wuzzles commercial : [singing as she hugs a Hoppopotamus doll]  I got a Wuzzle, I'm gonna snuggle, / Cuddly as can be, / 'Cause she is part hippo / And part bunny!

  Nostalgia Critic : All right, that was okay.

  Boy in Wuzzles commercial : [singing as he hugs a Bumblelion doll]  I got a Wuzzle, I'm gonna snuggle, / Cute as he can be, / 'Cause he is part lion / And part bumblebee!

  Nostalgia Critic : And that was good, too.

  Girl 2 in Wuzzles commercial : [singing as she hugs an Eleroo doll]  I got a Wuzzle, I'm gonna snuggle, / Funny, yes siree, / 'Cause he is part elephant / And part kangaree! Oh, roo!

  Nostalgia Critic : CHEATER! Cheater, cheater, cheater! Really? They couldn't come up with something to rhyme with "roo"? That's gotta be one of the easiest words to rhyme!

  [singing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I got a Wuzzle, I'm gonna snuggle, / So much he can do.

  [stops singing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : See? How hard is that? Or how about...

  [singing again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I got a Wuzzle, I'm gonna snuggle, / We don't care about rhyming... Buy our shit.

  [stops singing again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, well, it's a clever idea either way.

• Announcer : Guess Who? Game cards do not actually talk.

  Nostalgia Critic : If they do, you should probably seek help.

• Nostalgia Critic : [watching a Burger King Kids Club commercial, about save-the-animal cards]  Really? You went from He-Man cups that you're supposed to swordfight with to environmentally-aware trading cards?

  Announcer : There's 17 cards and four albums, one with every kids meal.

  Nostalgia Critic : And this is why you'll never be as popular as Happy Meals!

• Nostalgia Critic : Holy shit, that kid has BUBBLES!

• Nostalgia Critic : [as a kid in commercial]  It's like my cruel, abusive family doesn't exist anymore. Thank you, Billy, you changed my life FOREVER!

  [pause] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [Choked up]  Fucking bubbles.