Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Magic Voyage (2011)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Pico

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : So while the crew thinks he's crazy... I can't imagine why... Columbus has a relatively pointless dream about finding the new world.

  [during his dream, Columbus is dressed in navy refinery; due to the bad animation, it looks like he is pulling a telescope out of his groin] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Whoa! Wait a minute!

  [looks at telescope groin scene again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What the hell? Did he just pull that spyglass out of his gonads?

  [repeats scene] 

  Nostalgia Critic : HE DID! He just pulled that spyglass out of his nuts! WHAT'S THE POINT OF THAT? How did THAT ever get past German censorship? Don't they have any shame?

• Nostalgia Critic : Wait til you hear this: This is a children's story about Christopher Columbus as told by German filmmakers. Yeah, that's right. German filmmakers. That's equivalent of American filmmakers making a children's film about Russian history

  [shows Don Bluth's Anastasia movie poster] 

  Nostalgia Critic : and look how fucking well that turn out! Shit! We can't even get our own history right!

  [shows Disney's Pocahontas movie poster] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So what makes you think the Germans have a shot?

• [in the movie, Columbus has a dream where it looks like he pulls a telescope out of his groin, which really disturbs the Critic] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's only for a second, but... it's just so troublingly confusing! I mean, what the hell do you call that?

  Fisherman : [in Wunder Boner commercial]  The Wunder Boner!

  Second Fisherman : My wife would like that!

• Columbus : We not only discovered the new world. You were right. The world, she's round! Just think, Pico. Because of you and me, one day, there's gonna be a big, big city right here. And there's gonna be a lot of people, tall buildings. Maybe they're gonna name something after us! Who knows? Columbus Circle sounds good to me!

  Nostalgia Critic : [in a stereotyped Italian accent]  Oh, and don't forget about-a the slaughtering! Lots and lots of-a the slaughtering! Don't look for the G rating in the next one, folks. It's-a gonna be a bloodbath!

• Nostalgia Critic : We see the narrator starts to talk about the story we're about to see, and... yeah, tell me if the voice sounds familiar.

  [the narrator begins to tell the story] 

  Nostalgia Critic : That's right. It's our very own Mickey Rooney!

  [the audience sounds confused] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Former biggest star in the world?

  [Audience still sounds confused] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Starred with Elizabeth Taylor, the other former biggest star in the world?

  [More confused sounds] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Narrator of Care Bears?

  [Audience recognizes him] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch a black-and-white movie sometime.

• [the Critic is aghast to learn that Christopher Columbus is voiced by Dom DeLuise] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, Dom? DOM? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PICK SO MANY BAD MOVIES? Do you think I like continually making fun of you? You seemed like a nice guy. I liked you. You were really cool, but, yeah, IT'S THE STORY OF AMERICA TOLD BY GERMANS! You should know better, Dom! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER! But, on the bright side, he is Italian, so he can probably do an authentic Italian accent.

  [Columbus speaks in a stereotypical Italian accent] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...Or maybe he'll be as authentic as Mario. Hey, at least they're aiming for the popular stereotypes!

• Nostalgia Critic : [when the movie is over]  Well, that was... AWFUL!

• Nostalgia Critic : So the Swarm Lord takes her back to his land... which begs the question, why did he bring her there to begin with?... and Pico vows to find her.

  Pico : I'll find you... all the way across the ocean.

  Nostalgia Critic : And you'll never guess where the Swarm Lord's land happens to be...

  [shows a map of the USA in patriotic colors, while "The Star-Spangled Banner" plays in the background] 

  Nostalgia Critic : That's right, America! What are the odds?

• [in the movie, Columbus thinks the world is square, but Pico tells him the world is round] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, no disrespect to insects, but... how the fuck does a woodworm know the Earth is round? I mean, seriously, where did that come from? Are woodworms just the smartest creatures on the planet?

  [talking like Columbus] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm-a da t'inking the world is flat.

  Pico : No, it's not, it's round.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Columbus]  Well, I'm-a da t'inking that Christianity is the true religion.

  Pico : No, it isn't, it's Rastafarian.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Columbus]  A-no.

  Pico : Yes.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Columbus]  Well, I'm-a da t'inking that we're totally alone in space.

  Pico : No, we're not, there's the Blardonians. Once the Blardonian government gets enough money to fund their space program, they'll come to Earth and enslave us all.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Columbus]  Wow! Well, I'm-a da t'inking this movie's gonna be a big hit.

  Pico : ...Have a drink.

• Nostalgia Critic : [seeing the natives]  Oh, this oughta be rich.

• Nostalgia Critic : This movie is not only bad, it is annoying. UNGODLY ANNOYING. Just when you think it needs to take a break from being annoying...

  [laughs, then becomes angry] 

  Nostalgia Critic : that's when it gets EVEN MORE ANNOYING! Okay. Let's get the title out of the way: "The Magic Voyage".

• Nostalgia Critic : So as the credits roll, we see that the film is too cheap to get opening animation, so they just throw their storyboards at us.

• Nostalgia Critic : We then see our main hero of the movie. Yeah, I bet you thought it was gonna be Christopher Columbus, didn't you? He does only take up two-thirds of the fucking poster. But nope, it's a little woodworm named Pico, played by NOT former biggest star in the world, Corey Feldman.

• Nostalgia Critic : [having compared this film to "Anastasia" and "Pocahontas"]  This goes beyond just magical powers, a talking bat, or a talking tree. No, no. This story goes right off the deep end of the FLAT FRIGGIN' EARTH.