*(CableGuy)* Reviews

What Doesn't Kill You (2008)

What doesn't kill you... may bore you.

[3/10 · 30 April 2009]

I'm not one for straight-to-DVD fare, and this reminded me why. I'll say first off, Ruffalo and Hawke are both excellent in this, but honestly, what's the point? You've basically got another crime-doesn't-pay vicious-circle yadda yadda movie about crappy people living crappy crime-ridden lives. The movie tries to make Amanda Peet trashy by giving her horrible bangs. We know that handsome, chiseled Ethan Hawke is on the wrong side of the law because he has a silver tooth. Mark Ruffalo basically goes from just a thug to a level-10 crack addict in about two scenes.

This is a nicely shot, nicely cut, nicely acted movie that just doesn't have a purpose. There's no themes explored here we haven't seen covered before, and better, down to the Boston setting. It's just two hours of depression, ended by a really cheesy ending with text telling us what happened to the characters afterwards. You don't get to do that with fiction! It's pointless! Telling us with two lines of text that Mark Ruffalo became a good dad? You can tell us Ethan Hawke flew out of jail and became king of the Moon Men, because it's fiction! The whole point is to leave that up to the viewer, leave them with something to think about.

Sorry if you liked this one, but there's just better ways to spend two hours of your life.

Rambo (2008)

Shockingly Awesome

[9/10 · 27 January 2008]

I have to say, this exceeded any expectations I had for a Rambo film. This is no sad comeback farce, this is the real deal. Sylvester Stallone plays to his strengths, using his age (and mileage) to his advantage as a haunted old bulwark. There's no oiled-up posturing or sad old man-boobs on display. The drama's quick and to the point. Rambo maybe speaks 50 words throughout.

Gone is the ridiculous action hero of Rambo 2 or 3, gunning down hundreds of bad guys alone atop a hill without cover. This Rambo sticks to stealth and surprise, and he has allies that are both memorable and competent, which is nice for a change.

I will also say Rambo has the most consistent and realistic gore you've ever seen. You could call it over-the-top, but really I think it's just as close to real as you'll get. Limbs get blown off, heads get sheared, children are killed on-camera. It's all in your face, not as exploitation, but simply illustrating what it really means to rain lead upon a human being.

Let's not kid ourselves, this isn't the film to end war, and in the end, it's a kick-ass action movie. It does exhibit some conscience without hitting you over the head with it. Burma really is one of the prime shames of the human race, and I'm glad to see this movie bring attention to it.

I feel so happy that Stallone could pull of such a great movie. He really does care about this character and this movie, and it shows. If you don't like heap big explodo, this ain't your flick. But if you like action, it's a can't-miss. Seriously!

The Musketeer (2001)

Crouching Musketeer, Hidden Turd

[2/10 · 22 July 2005]

Those were the words whispered to me by a friend in the theater, by far the most entertaining part of seeing this travesty. You can read 26 pages of other reviews, I don't need to elaborate. However, I must ask, am I the only one who thinks the opening credits feel like a 70's TV movie? The awful stills, the terrible music of a completely wrong mood, I feel like I'm about to see Roots! I remember the trailer was basically nothing but cuts from the wire-fu swordfights. A deceptive, but wise choice to mask the true horrible nature of this "film." Heck, the Disney one with Kiefer and the Sheenerator is far better, even with Chris O'Donnell shoved in. Avoid this and see Richard Lester's WONDERFUL 70's Musketeer flicks instead.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

I'll Be... Funny?

[8/10 · 3 July 2003]

Given the advance word was so awful, I was relieved to find this to be an entertaining, almost jocular movie at times. Mostow made a good choice in making this a self-referential flick that borders on near-parody at times, only to lose the levity when the drama required it. I won't spoil the ending, but this movie has stones, that's for sure. High art it ain't, but high entertainment it is. Sure, it's got plot holes you could drive a giant crane chasing a giant fire truck through, but honestly, it's T3, what do you expect? Sit back, check that film school attitude at the door, and let Governor Arnie remind you why he is who he is.

And damn, Schwarzenegger looks as sculpted here as he did 20 years ago. It's a sight to behold. I wonder if there's a bit of Bond-O holding things together, but it's impressive nonetheless.

Daredevil (2003)

A refreshingly non-hubris superhero film

[8/10 · 14 February 2003]

Daredevil is far from perfect, but it was surprisingly good. Ben Affleck portrays Matt Murdock as both pained and cocky, a man who is good at what he does, and knows it, but also knows that isn't always enough. It's a nice turn from the typical milquetoast hero with a heart of gold and token flaws. Clark Kent, he ain't. I love how the film skips skips his early heroic adventures, simply jumping from his childhood to a Daredevil who has been in the game for a few years. Spiderman, as good as it was, did take quite a while for the real action to begin. Daredevil also distunguishes itself with subtler set pieces. There are no ridiculous criminal hideouts or rooftop-to-rooftop chases. The ending is fairly satisfying, if it betrays Daredevil's motivations a bit.

The fight scenes were fairly well-done, for being shot in a close-up, fast-cut manner. DD's fight with Bulleye in the church is a little heavy on the CG actors, but then that's a running trend in comic book movies. Fights like Murdock's play-duel with Elektra have just the right mix of Hong Kong style and comic-book charm. After all, at its base, you've got a blind man exacting vengeance in red bondage gear, you can't have total realism. Special kudos to the portrayal of DD's sonar vision. It's truly inventive, and not just there for flash value.

For the comic geeks out there, there are quite a number of in-jokes, almost overwhelmingly so. Stan the Man is fairly prominent, but he's far from the only reference. Pay attention to the man with a pencil in his forehead. His appearance is a nice stamp of approval. The name actors are all pretty solid. Ben Affleck almost makes up for some of his transgressions like "Pearl Harbor" and "Forces of Nature," reminding us that he can act, and well if he wants to. Colin Farrell is lauded in every review I read of this film, and rightfully so. I'm glad they let him speak in his own accent. Jennifer Garner plays the type of girl who'll beat you silly- and you'll like it. Jon Favreau adds humor without being a total moron as Foggy, and Michael Clarke Duncan is pretty much as good a non-CG Kingpin as you'll ever find.

As for my personal issues with the movie, I only have a couple. First of all, CG roses suck. A real shot of a real rose, however more random and inflexible, would have been nicer. Also, the love scene was a bit painful. I mean, it ended with the shot tracking to a fireplace! I'm not expecting a steamed-up screen in a Marvel movie, but don't cloy us like that.

But whining aside, I'm very pleased with Daredevil. The film remains plausible enough while retaining enough of a comic book feel to respect its source. It's got name actors, geek references, good action, a decent romance- something for everyone. Now where's DC Comics with something half this good?

Alien: Resurrection (1997)

Halfway towards a good movie

[5/10 · 2 February 2003]

I remember the trailer for this movie premiering on the internet back in '97 when such things were novel. The 3"-wide trailer seemed to promise something on part with Aliens.

Of course it did. It was a trailer.

Unfortunately, what turned out what a misguided effort. Joss Whedon, the writer, obviously was not the last word on the script, despite the credits. He knows how to write a pretty complete story, and he never fails with characterization. Ripley's the only one who has any sort of Whedon touch, and she spends much of the time near-catatonic. The idea of making her a xenomorph hybrid was brilliant, and gave her a new dimension besides alternating between petrified and vengeful. However, the logic behind her revival just sucks. I have no doubt that the trench-coated, icy scientists of 400-odd years from now could clone you from blood samples. However, that's not bringing what's in your chest back. If I eat a ham sandwich and die afterwards, they can clone me a thousand times in the year 2453, and they'll never bring back that ham sandwich. And I won't come back as some human/ham sandwich mix. As cool as that would be.

I thought the film had great atmosphere until I saw "City of Lost Children" and realized the director basically copied himself. Jeunet's happily redeemed himself with Amelie, but that doesn't help this film. The action tends towards the close-up, blurry variety, except for a couple of set pieces involving improbable bounced gunshots. I found it stupid that six or seven well-armed people couldn't face a few Aliens. Especially considering the well-lit hallways they faced them in. The Marines in "Aliens" had no idea what they were facing, and they were in the dark. No such luck here. In the ladder sequence, three armed characters just stop and stare while a crippled man fights for his life for about twenty minutes. And I just don't think it'd be that hard to shoot something two feet below you on a ladder.

I will give props to the clone and basketball scenes. I just wish that they, and uber-Ripley, could have been in a different film.

So the point of my whole review is, just make Aliens vs. Predator already. Just make it an hour-and-a-half of action. Heck, leave out people. It's what the fans have been clamoring for for more than a decade, let Ripley rest.

25th Hour (2002)

Thank you Mr. Lee, for not shoving the towers down our throats

[9/10 · 30 January 2003]

I'm not the biggest Spike Lee fan, but this one really had me going. I've spent all of one weekend in New York City, and found no problems at all relating to this film. It addressed 9-11 without beating you over the head with it. There was a refreshing lack of ra-ra go-USA blind patriotism. Instead, you got portraits of individuals determined to live their lives without dwelling in the wreckage.

Acting's top-notch all around. Philip Seymour Hoffman portrays the slurred slo-mo of drunkenness wonderfully, it's too bad my only complaint with the film is that his relationship with his student could have used more of a resolution. But perhaps the whole point is that it's left open. Hoffman's conversation in front of the window with Barry Pepper, who definitely holds his own, is just amazing. And of course, there's Edward Norton's f*ck-you salute to New York, which speaks for itself.

So yeah, catch this flick. It's as reserved and poignant as "Bamboozled" was in-your-face and loud.

Equilibrium (2002)

One viscerally satisfying picture, literati be damned

[9/10 · 7 December 2002]

Yeah, so "Equilibrium" borrows liberally from "1984" and "Fahrenheit 481." Well, I doubt that either Orwell or Bradbury envisioned their stories mixed up with badass geometric combat. Sure, there's no new points made by the movie, since we're all pretty much sure that human feelings are gift, flawed but still a gift. I didn't much think about feeling when Bale was featured in the most satisfying fight scenes of the year, and I'm talking worldwide. Hem and haw if you don't like the liberal bites taken out of dystopian classics, but if you've got a sliver of action lover in you, you'll leave satisfied. The acting's just fine, too, with Christian Bale providing a fine example of stifled emotions, Taye Diggs comes across with just the right hint of arrogance, and Emily Watson has the largest eyes on earth. Oh, and she's good in her small role.

Some have called this a copy of "The Matrix," but I hardly find that justified. "The Matrix" featured a healthy serving of Hong Kong cinema, like a clash between John Woo and Yuen Wo-Ping, while "Equilibrium" contains a wholly-original system of fighting that is a wonder to watch. Would it work in real life? Do I care? I don't expect my action films to follow Italian Neorealist traditions or something, I wanna see throw-downs with just the smallest glint of possibility.

So anyways, it's a tragedy that this film is being shown on only 300-odd screens, so I hope word-of-mouth or a sure-to-be-mine DVD give it more exposure. Catch it now, the clock is ticking.

Solaris (2002)

Boy I feel the deep ponderous meaning and metaphor, oh the profundity...

[5/10 · 28 November 2002]

I'm sorry, I give Soderbergh all the credit in the world for his consistently original career moves, but I just can't like this movie. I think a major problem with cerebral cinema is that it's easy to slip over the line and confuse plodding with profound. It's like you're trained to fawn over a ten second shot of Clooney staring into space like a hurt puppy dog, because obviously there's something amazingly profound you're supposed to be pondering at that moment. His wife's dead, he misses her, and his slipping memories of her are skewed and inaccurate, I get it, I don't need to watch slowly-edited shaky cam flashbacks ad nauseam to realize that. This guy is a psychologist, and a good one at that? His occupation loses all meaning as soon as he sets foot in the space station. He might as well have been a construction worker.

I dunno, one of my good friends, who kept falling asleep, put it best. "I felt like I was in the movie, because every time I woke up, it was the same scene again!"

Jackass: The Movie (2002)

A Glorious Moron-Fest

[10/10 · 25 October 2002]

Check your pretension at the door, and witness the culmination of comedy's latest movement. This triumphant feature is sure to induce ten times the laughter of any "gross-out comedy" pablum Hollywood can turn out. There's no plot, there's no cohesion, and the thing's even shot mostly on the same MiniDV cameras as the TV show, but it doesn't matter. The R rating simply means no bleeps and all the un-blurred scrotums one could ask from a major motion picture. There are a few pranks, such as the frame sequences and the old men make-up, that smack of a few extra dollars, but for the most part this movie's $4 budget proudly goes to g-string marble holders and fireworks. Oh, the fireworks! The old guard of critics will probably hack this thing to pieces, but it's not their film. This is for the legion of idiots out there who see the fun in crapping all over social convention, and doing it proudly. Granted, I'm not gonna insert anything into my anus or fight Butterbean in a store, but we can all subvert in our own special ways. If you're the type who sees the high art in "Freddy Got Fingered," or can laugh when old people fall all the time, you'll be at home with "Jackass: The Movie." If not, check out "White Oleander" in the small theater in the corner.

Stealing Harvard (2002)

The funniest comedy since "Dying Young"

[17 September 2002]

Prithee, sirrah, if one good filme-going gentleman had but the chance to patronize one cinema-movie, a kind and honest friend would have no choice, even when told to swear otherwise at gun-pointe, that Bruce McCulloch's "Stealing Harvard" is the most guffaw-enducing comedyfilmfarce (translated from the German) of the present Terran orbit. Verily, Mssrs. Tom Green (Esq.) and Jason Lee induce laughter of a manic state, fueling McCulloch's ground-breaking crotch, mullet, and cheese-related humors. Where else, good sirs, might one find uproarious scenes involving over-protective ex-POW fathers, botched bank-robberies, or promiscuous trailer-going citizens?

The answer to the query of the previous sentence: No-where.

That is right, friends. By using your movie-scented dollars at the local Magic Lantern theatre to purchase tickets for Mssr. McCulloch's "Stealing Harvard," one stakes one's allegiance with forces of Further Good Cinema. You will justly be rewarded with laughter not reaped from audiences earth-wide since Julia Roberts watched a man expire beautifully in "Dying Young."

Wirey Spindell (1999)

Beautiful and underrated.

[10/10 · 21 April 2002]

I like the earlier description of this movie as a life poem. I caught this totally at random on the Movie Channel last night, and was captivated enough to stick with it the whole way. There's really just a toally unique voice to the film, a poetry of narration that's meaningful without straying into pretension. There's also many hilarious moments from Wirey's middle-school days that are crude without being potty humor. It's sad that this movie is so low-rated. The fact that there are so many 1's makes me think the numbers are cooked- I can't see how anyone could see the movie as that abysmal. Sure, this is by no means a typical romantic comedy, but it is a very unique viewpoint of a very unique life, of a man whose very appeal comes from his detachment, a detachment he must overcome before it destroys him. Give this flick a chance. It came out of nowhere for me, and I feel the richer for it.

Blade II (2002)

Ron Perlman is god! Better than the first, terrific direction.

[9/10 · 23 March 2002]

If nothing else, it is easy to say Blade II surpasses its predecessor in every way. Guillermo del Toro is a director of unique vision, one who obviously put pride into this work, instead of treating it like a paycheck job. Sure, there's bad CG here and there, and Donnie Yen was a waste (though he did choreograph the fights too), but what you have here is a solid chunk of entertainment, with well-planned (and more importantly, WELL-EDITED!) fights abounding, no great lulls in the action, and a satisfying ending. It's amazing they were able to write Whistler back in without it being too ridiculous, and then not wasting his return! Ron Perlman walks all over his scenes, I really hope del Toro can convince the studio to let him be Hellboy instead of Vin Diesel. Just all-in-all good stuff, another great action film with a plot that actually MATTERS!

Brotherhood of the Wolf (2001)

Refreshing, different, French!

[8/10 · 2 February 2002]

I'm glad to see this flick FINALLY achieving some sort of wide release. I gotta say, if nothing else, this is the most beautifully-shot and creatively-edited piece of cinema I've seen for quite a while. Every shot seems creatively rendered, and there are various subtle-to-overt effects such as bended time, ripples, and even snapshots. Never have you seem splashing mud so succulently captured. The action editing wasn't bad, flashy and quick-cut without being incoherent. Wish American filmmakers could do the same with Jet Li, instead of burying his skill in half-second shots and CGI.

I have a small problem with the rather abrupt revelation of Fronsac's own fighting prowess, which should have been displayed earlier. He fights just like Mani, and it's also offsetting that while Mark Decascos probably did most or all of his own stuff, it looks like the guy who played Fronsac sat on the sidelines while a stunt double wore a nice blonde wig. Also, the ending drags on just a bit long. I think they could have left things a little bit more vague, and not quite as happy. But who cares, don't skip this one just because it's French or you've gotta see "How High."

Oh, and the fact that our heroes BOTH make completely unapologetic use of prostitutes is very refreshing. Fronsac may be in love with someone else, and Mani may be noble and spiritual and all that, but heroes need love too, and it's awesome when protagonists are not ridiculously moral all of the time. They see hookers, they have fun, there are no repercussions. Has any movie character in history before this ever gone to a whorehouse without either being killed soon after or having their life fall apart? Go France!

Ghost World (2001)

too eerily familiar, a movie aimed at my head

[10/10 · 31 January 2002]

Man, FINALLY saw Ghost World at the newly-reopened Kimball Theater here in art-starved Williamsburg. And what a tremendous experience. Everything about this movie just struck me so correctly (except perhaps the affair with the middle-aged guy). I see Enid and Rebecca as myself and my best friend with vaginas. Sure, we make ironic pokes at everything, but when does it reach the limit? When does irony come full circle? Is a life spent taking in the kitsch make you no better than the supposed drones around you?

Some of the best elements of the film, something Daniel Clowes so richly preserved from his own tremendous graphic novel, were the background elements, the banal passerby, the "characters" we're all familiar with. Fat women lugging their half-dozen kids around. Rattails. The pandered-to disabled. Tubby guys in baseball caps and red jackets sucking down fast-food. From the opening sponsors of the graduation, to the closing shots of gloomy neon signs, commercialism is both omnipresent and pretty much ignored. Crap is everywhere, nobody would deny that, but can one escape it just through mockery?

I can't commend Zwigoff and Clowes enough for this adaptation. Though it

does drift from the source material, and perhaps ignores Rebecca a bit much at the end, elements like Enid and Seymour's "romance" lend a poignant awkwardness. No easy solutions are ever reached. Things just change, not for the better, not any worse, they just do. I see my own life's attitudes, the struggle to find an identity in a sea of both "individuals" and hives. I can't be complacent, but the ironic distance can become just as tiresome. I guess I just identify with Enid so much it's either amazing or pathetic. Anyways, I recommend this to anyone who's ever tried to look at the world through skewed eyes. It's not just for the spazzes, mods, or neo-geeks. It's for all the Enids in the world, male or female, bob-haired or long, thick-lenses or contacts.

Oh, and you haven't seen anything til you've seen the mullet nunchaku redneck. Anything.

Brother (I) (2000)

As stark and different from Hollywood as it gets

[8/10 · 11 January 2002]

Though this film was a joint US-Japan production, it still drips with pure Beat Takeshi goodness. About the only Hollywood contribution is Omar Epps, who manages the difficult task of appearing human in a Takeshi Kitano film. I just love the style of breaking up long instances of mundane or casual scenes with utter cold violence. In one scene we see a tiny Japanese man insisting he is like Michael Jordan, the next he's blowing his brains out in the ultimate display of loyalty. Though perhaps a bit similar to Sonatine in plot and theme, this work offers more depth with less nihilism. The American element injects emotion without appearing ridiculous. Not that it's Happy Adventures of Nutty Yakuza In America or anything. Heartily recommended, especially if you're a fan of Takeshi's works or Japanese movies in general.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

Need we heap more praise upon this masterpiece?

[10/10 · 20 December 2001]

Well, everyone else has called this movie the second coming, so I'll just toss my hat onto the pile. I really see this film as being the best combination of actors, effects, and direction that it could have been. There is no slice of the Multi-verse with a better version, my friends! My only criticism is the music, because it was just so transparent, I would have liked more of a distinctive tune as opposed to Howard Shore's fitting but "safe" score. Oh well, John Williams can't do them all! Anyways, who care about that, I'm nit-picking. Ian McKellen is absolutely perfect, as is Christopher Lee. Lee especially is just so wonderful to see here, as he is a true Tolkien fan who says he re-reads the trilogy every year. You just get the feeling here that you're watching the work of true nit-picking fans like yourself, who agonize with every element they must cut. The mines of Moria alone are worth the price of admission, the Cave Troll is the most impressive and transparent integration of CG to date, bar none. Legolas is an incomparable badass, as is Aragorn, just as they both should be. There's just so much heart in this film it's unbelievable, it washes any bad Hollywood taste from the last couple years right out of my mouth. Thank you Peter Jackson, the cast, WeTA et al. You've made my year!

Sonatine (1993)

A truly masterful minimalist work

[10/10 · 14 December 2001]

Having finally experience Sonatine, I can't say enough for this poignant and moving film. Beat Takeshi may face death with that same disconnected look on his face, but it is the inaction, the time between the killings, that carry all the meaning. Even when in gunbattles, nobody moves, nobody tries to dodge, it is as if everyone simply feels chained to their fate. This is jarring to Asian cinema lovers used to side-jumping, dual-gun gymnastics and amazing set pieces.

I love how the only emotions Murakawa expresses are humor and nihilist apathy. The "sumo scene" is so delightfully out-of-place, while the ending simply leaves your mouth open. The warmth the characters show just makes it more hurtful when they meet such pathetic, low-key ends. I'm not an expert on Japanese society, but I see this film as a comment on the emptiness of a fear-filled culture of reservation, where it is more important to show restraint and respect than it is to continue living.

I'll still enjoy good ol' HK pistol operas, but I'll never see them quite the same again.

Versus (II) (2000)

Excellent pastiche of action standards

[8/10 · 5 October 2001]

I've heard about Versus for quite a while, but only tonight was able to see it. What an awesome flick! Sure, the action borrows from every HK gun ballet or kung-fu opera ever made, but who cares? The mix of stylish action and Romero-style gore works quite well, and the knowledge that this whole movie was made for peanuts just enhances it. The hero's your typical badass standard, but characters like "The Fighter" and the psycho laughing Yakuza stand out. The plot isn't even completely irrelevant, especially given the prologue and the awesome ending. As long as you're able to check your inner film student at the door, Versus is nothing but entertaining.

Battle Royale (2000)

A flawed but very brave work

[8/10 · 22 August 2001]

Having gone all to the trouble of finding an import VCD of this flick, I'm glad I put in all the effort. The younger and elder Fukusakus both exhibit pretty big stones producing a work like this, one which could never be duplicated in the states. Even though such a brutal situation would be far more likely in the US, recent escalating school violence would prevent such a film from ever being made stateside. Some teenage sappiness does seep in, and the motivations for some of the characters, particularly Sickle Girl and the red-haired boy "there just for fun," are shallow or dubious. Also, the media could have been used for greater effect, adding more absurdity by spinning the contest as some kind of reality TV event. The movie keeps a "score" of sorts, but imagine slick graphics portraying the killrates and deaths, with a play-by-play from the same adorable gal who gave the students their instructions. Knowing how hard Japanese students are worked, I can see the motivations behind portraying such a draconian test of worth of mere schoolkids, absurd as it may be. Still, even if you can't relate the cultural background of this film, you can't help but wonder just what you'd do in the place of one of these frightened students.

Pitch Black (2000)

A engaging sci-fi flick

[10/10 · 19 February 2000]

I hope the word-of-mouth gets this movie going, because it's shoddy publicity sure won't. It's an absolutely engaging survival/sci-fi flick, using all the standards of both genres to make for an awesome ride. The audience I saw it with came in expecting a derivative space horror flick. By the end, everyone really got into the action, cheering and screaming along with the film. Watching Riddick alone is worth the price of admission, and you'll know what I mean once you've caught this hopeful sleeper.