loogenhausen Reviews

An Empress and the Warriors (2008)

Crouching Empress, Hidden Doctor

[6/10 · 15 September 2012]

An epic tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, the movie is ultimately bogged down by simplistic dialogue and an unfortunate side of cheese.

Kelly Chen is the princess of a kingdom under fire by a rival warring state. Her dad, the Emperor, is a battle-hardened field general who is mortally wounded after insisting on leading his troops in one last attack on their enemies. D'oh. Chen comes into power on the throne after the dead Emp's fave general (Donnie Yen) withdraws his right to rule and backs the chick. You don't have to be a genius to see what comes next. The other generals do not like this and refuse to support her. War within and without is brewing and the good guys are outnumbered.

So Chen toughs it out and knuckles up, right? Nope.

After a very short commitment to train as a warrior and lead her troops confidently (the people love her, despite the lack of confidence shown by the warmongers) she gets her ass kicked by a marauding party from the enemy state and ends up in an expatriate doctor's (Leon Lai) treehouse of healing. Love blossoms, right on cue. The doctor turns out to be the last of a cadre of badass swordsmen who disbanded long ago after being betrayed or the like. Donnie Yen is dismayed by all this, naturally. The rebelling generals strike and all kinds of tragic shenanigans ensue.

If this all sounds very Zhang Yimou to you, then you're in the same boat as me. Apparently director Siu-tung Chin is a big fan of House of Flying Daggers and Curse of the Golden Flower. There's nothing wrong with that, of course. That's pretty good taste. However, the cheesy love music and simplistic script doesn't help matters one bit. It's a shame because the fights and battle scenes are quite the sight to behold. It's exciting stuff only made better by the presence of the superb Donnie Yen.

This came very close to being a great films if it weren't for the pat philosophy on war and peace - separating everything into black and white. The love triangle is interesting in parts but Kelly Chen comes off as either cooing or coarse, with no in-between mode. The main thing that saves it from being another average-o-rama is Donnie Yen, the patron saint of physical destruction. Yen and his giant sword are a sight to behold in the finale and he continues to cement his place as an immortal tough guy. Too bad it was kinda sorta wasted in this kinda sorta disappointing movie. Don't let that stop you from watching it, though. It's still worth a look and very entertaining in parts.

Maybe you'll get a kick out of the hokey slow motion shots of Kelly Chen and Leon Lai falling in love set to all kinds of sappy music.

Or not.

lMC

House (2008)

Check it out, they're facing their sins. Zzzzzzz.......

[3/10 · 30 November 2011]

I didn't even realize this was a Ted Dekker story until the end of the film, which explains a lot. He's also responsible for the "story" in the lame Seven knockoff cleverly titled "Three". He also writes Christian horror, whatever the hell that means. Michael Madsen is usually a recipe for disaster in any movie not titled Reservoir Dogs, and he screws it up here as well. Apparently Christian horror is about as effective as Christian rock. It looks like horror, kinda smells like horror, but it's not really horror. I'm not too religious myself, but being a Christian doesn't mean you have to stomach half-baked garbage like this just because it's written by someone who touts himself as a Christian writer. It's like liking those horrifyingly bad Left Behind books. Don't excuse bad writing just because the writer is a Christian. That's weak sauce. Use your head, people. There is also no reason for this to be rated R whatsoever. I can't remember any swearing and there was hardly any blood considering all the death in the film. There's an interesting concept in the flick somewhere but it gets lost in the shoddy camera-work and hit-or-miss acting that proves everyone involved is not quite ready for prime time. It gets one extra star for the awesome Bill Moseley, though he's wasted in this disappointing wanna-be horror film. Ted Dekker and Dan Brown should get together. Maybe between them they might be able to come up with a fully-functioning story. I said might...

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008)

The day my brain wept...

[2/10 · 30 November 2011]

This is the worst big-budget Hollywood sci-fi film I've seen since, well, 20th Century Fox's last big budget sci-fi film. No surprise there. Amazingly, it has nothing to do with Keanu Reeves. He has his uses (and they are few) but he gets off clean here. No, the real culprits here are Scott Derrickson's complete lack of directing ability and Jaden Smith's (son of the Fresh Prince) atrocious and rage-inducing performance. John Cleese shows up to remind us all why he is awesome and then he's gone, leaving us with the rest of this suckfest. The humans in this movie do things so insanely stupid that I was rooting for Gort and Klaatu to stomp the ever-loving crap out of these chowderheads and blow Earth to smithereens. Anyone who thinks this is good sci-fi needs a reality check and a visit from my home lobotomy kit.

Dog Eat Dog (2008)

Is Adela there...?

[7/10 · 30 November 2011]

This sun-baked slice of nihilism from Colombia is a very interesting watch indeed. Although there's plenty of yelling and gun-waving, there's also a very ominous feeling about the whole show. Marlon Moreno definitely has presence as the lead, Victor, who must deal with family problems and tries to solve it by stealing money from a dead lackey belonging to his big boss, a snarlingly fun Blas Jaramillo. Holed up in a hotel room with fellow gangster Eusebio (Oscar Borda) Victor waits for the order to find and kill whoever stole the money (himself) and keeps receiving crazy phone calls from a half-mad man looking for a woman named Adela. If this all sounds like fun to you, it is. On top of all that, Eusebio may or may not be "cursed" by a dead man or just going bugnuts crazy. Yes, there's something for everyone here. The only drawback I can think of is it feels a tad too short and a few of the lead characters aren't fleshed out enough to truly care for them when the screws are really put to them. There's plenty of style, however, and you'll being humming the title theme long after it's over.

The Rebel (2007)

Chuck Norris would never be able to keep up with these guys...

[8/10 · 30 November 2011]

The Rebel is a slam-bang martial arts romp that has pretty much everything you want in a cinematic experience. Excitement, romance, escapes, betrayals and much much more all jammed into just over an hour and a half of breakneck pacing. Set in the seldom used backdrop of France's colonization of Vietnam, the film starts off almost immediately with a chaotic assassination setpiece and doesn't let up from there. The characters are believable and I held a rooting interest for them throughout the running time of the film. Some of the action is so fast-paced and so well-choreographed that you'd swear these crazy guys were fighting for realsies. If you're looking for your daily fix of action, look no further than The Rebel.

Saint Ange (2004)

Yeah, about that back room...

[4/10 · 30 November 2011]

I love haunted house movies like some horror fans love a good slasher movie. I'm not talking about George C. Scott tooling around an empty house for some dead kid's bouncy ball. I'm talking about seriously creepy haunted house flicks where the house is possessed by stuff that would make Lovecraft rise from the grave. This film is nice to look at but it breaks the first rule of haunted house movies: it's ridiculously boring. Even after drinking a flagon of Mountain Dew, I had to struggle to keep my eyelids on the out and open mode during several stretches of this film. When I say nothing happens in this film, I really mean nothing happens at all. Some Natalie Portman lookalike babe who's hiding her pregnancy ends up at an orphanage in the 50's to work as a cleaning lady while the place undergoes renovations. Everyone vacates the premises except for the plump, matronly cooking wench and one orphan who's been there just a tad too long and does a bang-up Courtney Love impression. Apparently, the place is haunted but you wouldn't know that from watching the damn movie. A good haunted house movie doesn't rely on a few boo-jumps but more on solid atmosphere and creepy settings. I guess the director didn't get that memo. It's not awful, just extremely dull. That's a shame, because the house and the actors are there, but the story isn't. Toward the end of the film, the main character discovers what's really going on and what follows is so out of left field and jarringly gauche for the movie, I was checking to make sure I hadn't fallen asleep and accidentally started another movie while I was snoozing. If you want something playing in the background while you have a Saturday afternoon nap, go ahead and put House of Voices on. You'll probably have a boring dream about being a hot housekeeper in France.

Martyrs (2008)

Flay that chick and watch her pray, baby...

[8/10 · 30 November 2011]

This is the best horror film I've seen since "Inside". Coincidentally, they're both French which proves my now long-standing point that the French have handily surpassed Hollywood and are even eclipsing Asia in making effective and shocking horror films. Frontiers, Them, Calvaire, Sheitan and everything but the ending of High Tension have all been infinitely better than most other offerings from around the world. I'd even put Irreversible in there. Can you think of one horror film made in America that truly shocked you that wasn't a remake or adaptation? The only truly great American horror film from last year was Midnight Meat Train and that was buried immediately upon release. That shows you just how much studio executives care about giving you good horror. Nowadays, Americans have a choice between the latest Saw rehash and a god awful Asian horror remake. Don't get me wrong, I love Hollywood as much as the next knucklehead, but they are clearly giving up on trumpeting original and/or daring horror films. That brings me to Martyrs. I can understand why some (probably most) people who see this film will predictably lump it in with torture porn/gorno flicks with a dismissive meh. Their entitled to their opinion (wrong as it is) nonetheless. What Martyrs does is force you to endure 90-odd minutes of sheer brutality in order to hammer home a philosophical point. Now some might scoff at that notion, but I was so knocked back by the effectiveness of this "point" that I couldn't believe that I saw what I just saw. I've heard there's a deal already in the works for an American remake. There's no way on earth that this film could ever exist in Hollywood and you owe it to yourself to see this jaw-dropping sucker punch of a shocker. If the last line of dialogue doesn't smack you right in the face, then you're not someone I'd want to hang out with...

2LDK (2003)

Alright, but only if I can smash you in the face with this fish tank...

[8/10 · 30 November 2011]

Looking for a short movie that delivers on the violence goods? 2LDK is for you, my friend. Take a highlight clip of Looney Tunes violence and mix it with an old school ECW (or FMW since it's Japanese) match and you've got the gist of this crazy little pimp slap of a movie. Two roommates hate each other something fierce, their animosity simmers for a bit, then they proceed to beat the holy hell out of each other. Needless to say, this is not a feel-good movie, but it sure is fun to watch two crazy Japanese chicks own each other. Come for the notion of being multi-cultural by watching a foreign film, stay for the brutal slapstick violence that's good for the whole family. Good times, good times...

Pulse (2001)

Splendid Isolation...

[9/10 · 30 November 2011]

Kiyoshi Kurosawa does it again with this extremely atmospheric ghost story about the dangers of excessive reliance on technology. It is his undoubted masterpiece and refuses to play nice with the audience. Isolation, dehumanization and industrial decay all creep into the narrative and stick in your mind's eye long after you've finished watching it. Being a bit of a nihilist myself, the feeling of desolation and despair as well as the extremely creepy "ghosts in the machine" that haunt the film really turned my crank. Kurosawa has a perfect eye for this kind of stuff and he has yet to make a mediocre movie, let alone a bad one.

Doppelganger (2003)

Two For Him, Fun For You...

[7/10 · 30 November 2011]

This is definitely Kurosawa's most overt black comedy that's conveniently disguised as a sci-fi piece. If Kubrick were still alive and happened to marry David Lynch in a surprise gay wedding and then they decided to adopt a Japanese baby, that baby would be Kiyoshi Kurosawa. Blammo! The dark humor and simmering subtext gel nicely here and definitely warrant repeated viewings. You won't find creeps and crawls like in Kurosawa's other films such as Pulse, Retribution, Cure or Seance. I guess Charisma is the closest thing to compare it to, but Doppelganger is Kurosawa's funniest film by far. It's not for everyone, but then again if you're reading this review, it's probably right up your alley.

Fermat's Room (2007)

If These Walls Could Stalk...

[8/10 · 30 November 2011]

Fermat's Room is a welcome Spanish thriller that takes the tried and true Saw/Cube formula and adds some actual intrigue and a little bit of wit to the proceedings. With a slow and steady build to an ending that ties everything up in a rather satisfying way, you'll be asking yourself "why can't most thrillers make this much sense?" Fermat's Room is not original but it puts an interesting and well-written spin on tired plot points and movie gimmicks. Directors Luis Piedrahita and Rodrigo Sopena have a good sense of space and depth when it comes to shooting in the room itself and the tension and pacing will have you staring at the screen with anticipation. Do yourself a favor and check out Fermat's Room; it just might cleanse your palette of all the junk films floating out there lately.

Marebito (2004)

Sure, Just Don't Get Any On The Sofa...

[7/10 · 30 November 2011]

This is another Japanese flick, like Premonition (Yogen) that I wanted to praise much higher, but it just missed it by that much. The premise of the film is very compelling and most of the movie has that unsettling sensation (like when someone is staring at you from just outside your peripheral vision). There was one part in the movie where I had to rewind it several times just to check to see if I really saw what I was just looking at (if you've seen it already, you probably know what I'm talking about). When the voyeuristic main character enters into the underworld, he has a compelling conversation with a strange passerby and then after that he brings a cannibal chick back to his apartment to eat him in sessions. Got all that? I'm not giving anything away, so rent and enjoy!

Cure (1997)

Hey, What Are You Doing With My Zippo...?

[8/10 · 30 November 2011]

Kiyoshi Kurosawa is slowly overtaking Takashi Miike as my fave current Japanese director (sorry, Ryuhei Kitamura). I waited a long time to see Cure and now that I have, I realize how brilliant Kurosawa really is. This movie is so dense, so packed with subtext and subliminal detail, you might not get it all in one sitting. I will admit I had to watch the ending about 15 times in a row, because it is extremely cryptic. There is plenty of ominous and sublimely creepy imagery, not to mention a Kubrick/Lynch meshing of style here. Don't be mistaken though, because Kurosawa's signature jet-black humor and obtusely enigmatic storytelling is in rare form here. If you enjoy just soaking in a well-structured story and not worrying about who the killer is or if there's some contrived twist ending like most Hollywood movies, then Cure will satisfy your need to be entertained and use that thing in your head called a brain at the same time.

The Good the Bad the Weird (2008)

You Take The Awesome Road, I'll Take The Badass Road...

[8/10 · 30 November 2011]

This crazy ride disguised as a film is more like Indiana Jones than The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. There's plenty of gunfights and chases packed in the 2-hours plus running time to choke a corral of horses yet it all feels nearly perfectly paced. It's not all serious though; there's plenty of laughs to be had and they are all well-earned. All three leads are memorable and dynamic on-screen performers and who you root for could be completely different depending on who you are as a person. Ji-woon Kim is also responsible for directing the brilliant and creepy A Tale of Two Sisters and here he adds to his soon-to-be legendary filmography quite nicely. If you're looking for some excitement and just plain pure fun, make sure you check this out as soon as you have a chance.

Deadgirl (2008)

STD: Sexually Transmitted Death...

[8/10 · 30 November 2011]

This is how to do indie horror the right way. The story starts off unassuming enough, with just enough off about the film for you to almost not notice. What follows slowly builds and builds on itself until you realize toward the end just how insane everything has gotten without the filmmakers smashing you over the head with all kinds of cues screaming "Look! See? This is crazy, right?!" For that, I applaud Sarmiento and Harel, who turn what is essentially a coming-of-age tale into one of the most awe-inspiring examples of low-budget horror I've ever seen. The leads are great and as soon as they discover the "dead" girl in the abandoned asylum, their true characters are revealed ingeniously through their interaction with the mysterious girl (played fantastically by a real trooper in Jenny Spain). The ending is a kicker but you can see it coming from a ways away, which is fine in this case. If you get a chance to see this, regardless of how, go out of your way to do so and I guarantee it will evoke a strong reaction out of you.

Dante 01 (2008)

Yes, Francois, There Is A Space Santa Claus...

[30 November 2011]

I really wanted to like this film, since I've had good luck with French flicks lately as well as being interested in the neat little cast assembled here. Among them are Lambert Wilson (the Merovingian himself) and Dominique Pinon (Delicatessen, Amelie, etc...). Mix in a little Cube, throw in a dash of Alien 3 and sprinkle in some Powder for good measure and you have the undercooked hodgepodge of Dante 01. Good sci-fi is hard to come by these days, mainly because I think it's the most high concept genre of film as well as the hardest to execute really well. Unfortunately, despite some very interesting ideas and good production values, it doesn't add up to much of anything when it was all over. Wilson's main character has almost zero lines in the film and isn't really even a main character. If you're going to have your main character remain essentially silent, that's fine, but for the love of Odin please make him interesting. I completely understood what was going on, but it just didn't register with me as much as I was hoping it would. There is a sequence just before the last shot of the film with Wilson outside in space that was just so agonizingly excessive that I was swearing at the screen for it to stop, which I hardly ever do. Maybe you'll have a different opinion, which is fine. But for me, no dice.

The Way of War (2009)

No, You Can't Buy My Oscar...

[30 November 2011]

I'm like a battered wife when it comes to Cuba Gooding movies. I want to believe he can change, that he can be good in movies again. Instead, I get punched in the face for my troubles. This movie is so unbelievably boring, I kept checking my pulse instead of my watch. I didn't think it could get any worse than the howlingly bad Shadowboxer and the cringe-inducing Snow Dogs, but apparently it can and it did. Oh, did it ever... Even the awesome J.K. Simmons and a cameo from Bobby Lashley do absolutely nothing to keep your interest. The kicker is the thing isn't even a full hour and a half long and it still feels like a damn epoch has passed once it finally ends. The movie features some nonsense about Cuba Gooding's character being betrayed on a covert mission and then coming back to D.C. for some revenge on the blah blah blah if you even care about what's going on by that point you're either the director or you only see two movies a year, including this one. Cuba's Detroit Lions-like streak of choosing craptastic movies continues. At this point, I think he's actually trying to suck this bad.

Yogen (2004)

He Saw That Already...

[7/10 · 30 November 2011]

Don't get this confused with that garbage Sandra Bullock flick of the same name. Premonition (or Yogen if you're a cinephile snob) is a nice little surprise in the J-horror genre. Actually, J-horror doesn't exactly define Premonition all that well. A little bit Twilight Zone and a little bit Kiyoshi Kurosawa, it has plenty of that impending doom feeling, immediately followed by goose pimples. There was at least one scene where I wanted to turn off the movie because it shook me bad enough to rattle my nerves, so that's good enough to warrant a recommend. I'm sure if I went back and watched this again anytime soon, I'd probably bump it up higher. So for now, let's just call it a day and say 7 out of 10. Enjoy!

Gamer (2009)

Now You're Playing With Butler...

[6/10 · 30 November 2011]

Neveldine and Taylor take a step backwards after their outrageously entertaining Crank 2. However, Gamer is not a bad movie by any stretch of the imagination. It is, though, nothing to write home about and begins and ends without too much fuss. The main drawback of Gamer is the same issue that plagues a lot of modern movies - it can't decide on what it wants to be. Topical sci-fi? Pulse-pounding action extravaganza? A sly, satirical mix of both a la Verhoeven? Gamer is none of these. It wants to be all of them and fails, unfortunately. That's not to say it isn't entertaining and it's still leaps and bounds better as brainless time-killer filler than something like the abominable Transformers 2. Gerard Butler is serviceable as he always is, but it's Michael C. Hall that saves the movie from being one hundred percent forgettable. Although his villainous character is written to be an unoriginal bore, Hall injects the role with a crazy energy that makes the finale much better than the nice-looking but slapdash beginning and middle battles. Boasting a great concept, Neveldine and Taylor are like Logan Lerman's gamer kid Scott and the movie is like Butler's character Kable - except that Neveldine and Taylor aren't as good as the gamer kid when it comes to controlling things. On a side note, the basic plot of this movie is exactly the same as Jason Statham's Death Race. The only difference is that Death Race has no pretensions about what it is while Gamer does. Pity...

Surveillance (I) (2008)

A peaceful, uneasy feeling...

[6/10 · 9 November 2011]

Jennifer Lynch, daughter of David Lynch, tries her hand at directing again after a long exile from film due to the disastrous reception of her last attempt, Boxing Helena. This is definitely a better film than Boxing Helena, but Lynch still has a long way to go as a filmmaker. Featuring an odd cast and a script that showcases bizarre dialogue exchanges, Surveillance is all over the place in the story department. However, there is enough here to entice you into exploring just what the heck is going on. Bill Pullman, Julia Ormond, Cheri Oteri, French Stewart, Michael Ironside, Pell James and a great Kent Harper (who looks a lot like Anthony Cumia of O&A) form one of the weirder casts seen lately in a film. It's all at once a dark comedy, a killer thriller and just plain strange. It doesn't always succeed in what it's trying to do, but there's some interesting imagery and a couple memorable scenes that keep it from being lost in the shuffle of quirky thrillers surrounding it. If you've seen a lot of thrillers and horror flicks, you might be able to guess who's doing the killing, but that's not the point of the flick and relying on that for satisfaction might just leave you more disappointed than most.

The Forgotten (2004)

The actual title should have been "The Who Cares"

[5/10 · 9 November 2011]

Seeing a movie like The Forgotten unfold is like watching someone you admire make a fatal mistake. At first they seem happy and are doing the right thing. Then, all of a sudden, they start to spiral out of control until they finally meet their untimely demise. Joseph Ruben's direction starts out tight and effective, but loosens and loses steam as the film wears on. The problem is, the film isn't even that long, so there's not a lot of room for error at all. Unfortunately, by the end of the film, most people will be left wondering "why did they do that?" Julianne Moore is good as usual, as well as the rest of the cast assembled here, including Lee Tergesen, Alfre Woodard, Anthony Edwards, Gary Sinise and Dominic West. But the problem is not the performances. It's the plotting and script that ultimately do this sci-fi/thriller hybrid in. The climax of the film takes such a left turn that it makes the sudden change in From Dusk Till Dawn look like a random scene from The Straight Story. It's not that you're not expecting what ultimately happens, because it's actually pretty obvious if you pay attention. It's the way they go about giving you the payoff that dooms the movie. With head-scratching resolutions and a pointless ending, The Forgotten makes you wish they had tried harder to move the story along and compel the audience a bit more. It's a movie that you really want to like, but just can't for lack of evidence. It might be worth a rent if you're into Julianne Moore or movies of this genre. Otherwise, you'll be left just as unexpectedly disappointed as I was. Look for your cinematic chills elsewhere.

The Ring Two (2005)

Now I know why their faces look like that...

[2/10 · 9 November 2011]

How can Dreamworks go from The Ring (a very creepy and unnerving film) to The Ring Two (a complete failure on every level) without even blinking? It's astounding how bad this movie is compared to the Japanese version or a matter of fact, any other Ring-related movie. Even though Naomi Watts and David Dorfman return from the original film, they end up trapped in a flick featuring a boring script and uninspired directing from Hideo Nakata, who should know better. After all, he himself directed Ringu 1 & 2. It's shocking how the quality has dropped in his translation to American horror movies. They couldn't even get the same girl back to play the evil Samara, so Kelly Stables has replaced Daveigh Chase as the villain of the film. That should be a sign that certain sequels just shouldn't be made. The first film stood alone as a great scary movie to watch alone or with friends on a dark Saturday night. This second movie in the series is so disappointing that it cheapens the effect of the first one just knowing that this one is around. You'd do better to check out the Japanese originals for the Ring and Ring 2 or just watch the American version of The Ring again. All three are much more entertaining than this piece of studio mediocrity. The Ring Two is not even worthy as a rental. It's boring, slow-paced, badly written and very uninspired even for a sequel. Move along, there's nothing to see here folks.

Are We There Yet? (2005)

Ice Cube needed a new Hummer.

[1/10 · 9 November 2011]

Alright, I will admit that this "movie" might be funny for little kids. Very little kids who can't reach the DVD player to turn it off. However, if you're an adult with a properly functioning brain and you thought this movie was anywhere near funny, you should just go jump out of the nearest window. Seriously, we need to stop going to the movies and supporting this junk. Movies like Kangaroo Jack and Are We There Yet? make lots of money at the box office, yet quality kids flicks like The Iron Giant and The Nightmare Before Christmas get shafted at the theaters. That reflects on the movie-going public for not doing their homework before going to see a movie with their own kids. There's a lot of inappropriate humor that isn't even funny in this pile of crap. I feel sorry for Ice Cube, Nia Long and Jay Mohr. Why even bother? Were they really that starved for cash? Or did they have a whole bunch of people say "you know what, I think you should star in a lowbrow kids comedy that makes you look like an idiot with lots of bodily function humor. It'll be great." Yeah, right. The plot isn't even important in this waste of time. Even if someone runs up to you in the street and shouts "Hey, I'll give you ten bucks to watch this movie!" you should still consider it very very thoroughly. Your brain depends on it. Hey, I'm all for lowbrow humor when it comes to some movies. But there is no excuse for something like this existing and making as much money as it has. If you really want your kids to love the movies, show them The Incredibles or James And The Giant Peach or anything but Are We There Yet? Trust me, your kids will be cooler for it in the long run.

Hide and Seek (2005)

You go hide and I'll stay here and roll my eyes...

[2/10 · 9 November 2011]

There are no words sufficient enough to describe how truly terrifying this movie is. It really is terrifying, but not in a good way. I would have maybe given this film a pass, that is until the ending arrived. One of the hands down worst endings in the history of the movies. I am not kidding. If you have an IQ over the line of mental retardation, you will want to kill yourself after seeing John Polson's excuse for a climax. Surprise ending? You bet your sweet bippy it's surprising. As surprising as a last minute root canal. What has happened to Robert De Niro? Showtime? Analyze That? And worst of all this slap in the face. Dakota Fanning, I can understand. She will bounce back. But De Niro? He has jumped the shark so far that there's no turning back now. He might as well star in Mean Streets 2 and call it a day. Someone is controlling his mind, I know it. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not see this movie if you truly value your free time. I have sacrificed myself so that you may not suffer as I did. You have been warned.

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

I'll See You One Cliché And Raise You Two Wasted Opportunities!

[4/10 · 9 November 2011]

How does one even write a review of this movie without trying to commit suicide? Looking back at all of the classic films that came from these two franchises (Predator, Alien & Aliens) it makes me sad to see this abomination of a "double-sequel" half-assed for everyone to see. It's out there for the masses to observe. There's no hiding it. If done by someone who actually cared about the source material and the back story of these two franchises, this film could have been something very special and just plain exciting. I don't mean an Academy Award-worthy effort, here. Just common sense and a flair for adventure/sci-fi cinema. It seems Anderson and his whole crew lack both of these skills. The cast that has been assembled, including Sanaa Lathan and Lance Henriksen himself, are all very competent and sci-fi friendly. Also, the special effects are all well done and lovely to behold. The problem lies in the story and execution of the whole affair. The plot seems extremely slight, compared to even the last two Alien movies. Predator 2 is a classic compared to AvP (notwithstanding, P2 is indeed quite a guilty pleasure). Most lovers of sci-fi action and adventure will ask themselves if they saw what they really saw after the movie ends. "Is that all?" I really wanted to like and enjoy this flick, but in the end there was no way on earth I could embrace such a corporate, lifeless, thrown-together piece of studio propaganda. If it had been made by someone more competent and the tone had been more suited to the material, I guarantee you it would have at least made double at the box office. It had no legs and disappeared from the landscape shortly after it debuted. What a waste and what an utter disappointment this all turned out to be.