pnstorm Reviews

Sinners (1990)

Merhi's Worst

[1/10 · 2 December 2001]

This must be the worst rip off of "Goodfellas" there ever was. Apart from being visually cheap, the story is ludicrous. The film does little to hide its exploitation roots and pretends to be a serious portrait of an Italian family. Offensive to say the least. That's all I have to say about that (Forrest Gump sucked too).

Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

Kubrick is still GREAT!

[8/10 · 2 December 2001]

First, let me say, this film is not porn! it is not smut! and it is not a THRILLER for those of you who are MORONS! It is a psychodrama dealing with the metaphysical about being faithful to ones spouse. So many people are being too damned picky to even pick up on this. Listen to Scorsesse, "this was the best film of 1999." A great film is not something that entertains you and reaffirms how good life is to you, it is something that grabs you, that disturbs you, that makes you THINK! If "Eyes Wide Shut" didn't make you think, then you are not worthy to even view movies. BEST PICTURE 1999.

C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud (1989)

OH GOD WHY? WHY TO BE CHUD II? WHY TO BE IT?

[1/10 · 2 December 2001]

This movie makes the first CHUD look like Citizen Kane. In the first movie, the laughs were unintentional giving it a strong B movie status. This one actually tries to be funny resulting in undescribably horrible pain. The cool zombies from CHUD 1 are gone, instead we get idiots with make-up on their faces trying to amuse us limping through malls, et cetera trying to give us that Dawn of the Dead feeling. See Dawn of the Dead and then CHUD and see was a REAL CHUD movie looks like.

MAN this thing just HURT! You can quote Reggie Santori on that.

2019: After the Fall of New York (1983)

Better than "Escape from New York"

[10/10 · 2 December 2001]

Just as "The Road Warrior" did, "Escape from New York" inspired several Italian rip-offs. This is the only one that surpasses the original. We have a super-groovy post-apocalyptic New York full of the best of cheesy mutants and rat-eating babes in filmdom. The film is even cool artistically, Picasso's Guernica makes an appearance in the Nazi villain's office, before one of the heroes digs his eyes out with his mechanical arm. The ray guns from Barberella make an appearance. There are bikers (enough said about that). And the explosions, gore, and action all surpass those from the original film. "Escape from New York," climaxed with a chase along a mined bridge; "After the Fall of New York" has a chase through an all the more lethal mined tunnel. It's just too cool. Reggie loves it.

Caligula (1979)

WOW

[10/10 · 2 December 2001]

Now THAT'S history! McDowell has never looked better as he proudly proclaims "In the name of the senate, and the people of Rome!" f***ing anything that moves! This thing is a 10 for the mere shock value! All involved may have been embarrassed, but what we've got here is genuinely entertaining. WOW! Besides we needed a film with horse f***ing.

I quoth Hunter S. Thompson, "Jesus Creeping S***!"

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

This is the best movie ever made

[7/10 · 2 December 2001]

Shame on those who can't see Kubrick's genius (Females 45+). It may have been the tagline to 2001, but it's true here too: "The more you see it, the more you see in it." It's a truly intelligent and intellectual film that should be viewed by a person at various points throughout his life. This film is as important as the Bible. It is a life lesson, a statement about freedom and free will. It is also artistic and beautiful visually and on its soundtrack. The soundtrack was aural sex. This is the best two million dollars ever spent. The film EVERYONE should see. Look folks, it's not about the sex, it's not about rape, pillaging, it's not about ultraviolence that shapes our children's heads. It's about interactions, it's about people, and if you can't see it, you're blind. If you have to choose one thing to regurgitate to sound smart in front of all your other art viewing, bohemian friends, say this: "Kubrick will change you for all time."

The Wrecking Crew (1968)

The Worst Matt Helm film if not the worst film of all time

[1/10 · 2 December 2001]

No movie clashes more than "The Wrecking Crew." We have an aging Dean Martin, a soon to be dead Sharon Tate, Chuck Norris, and Bruce Lee choreography. In short, in this film, the 50's the 60's and the 70's meet and they REALLY don't get along. There are tedious "erotic" scenes. There are tedious shoot-outs. Even the explosions are tedious. This film is so slow that you'll notice how bad the sets are. Even the opening song, as catchy as it is, is offensive. People often call "The Ambushers" the worst Matt Helm film, but that's something you can sit through without getting the runs. And Sharon Tate should have known better to be in this. You can see her struggling, her energy showing through despite the script, but being giving no more to say than, "Mr. Helm, help me!" The biggest problem is director Karlson who was responsible for the inept first Matt Helm film, "The Silencers". Skip this and see "Murderer's Row," the best in the series.

Barbarella (1968)

Jane Fonda at her best

[10/10 · 2 December 2001]

This may be the greatest movie of all time. It's as campy as "Batman" and twice as sexy. The 60's never looked better. From the shag carpeted interior of a friggin' space ship to the lava lamp exterior of space, this movie has all the charm of the Ladies' Man's houseboat and the nostalgia value of the Alka-Seltzer jingle. See it or be square.

2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

The More you See It, The More you See In It

[10/10 · 2 December 2001]

This movie is so good I'm speechless. Many disagree on what it means, but they were all right about one thing: it kicks ass! This also goes to prove that Kubrick is in fact the best at EVERYTHING! He made science fiction, he made the BEST science fiction. He made horror, he made the BEST horror. He made comedy, he made the BEST comedy. Hell he even made the BEST war movie! So indulge yourself with the best science fiction movie ever. This is a true epic. An epic of evolution, etc. And anyone who tells you that the stargate sequence should have been cut from the film, is just an ignorant square. Every second of this film is gold. From the deafing silence of the opening to the pious orgaizm of the climax, this film is one of the best, if not THE best. I have seen the work of God in this movie. Kubrick made me religious.