JaQaL Reviews

Dead Again (1991)

One of the worst movies ever made

[1/10 · 25 October 2012]

How this turgid slop can rate above 6 on IMDb is completely beyond me.

This movie has an exceptional cast and looks to have an interesting storyline so one should expect to be entertained.

The first warning that things have gone awry comes in the opening scene when you discover that Kenneth Branagh, THE Kenneth Branagh of so many magnificent films, is playing a hokey gumshoe detective and has adopted a terrible American accent.

The plot turns out to be entirely predictable and the entire cast seem to simply be going through the motions, perhaps knowing that this movie is not going to count among their finer works.

Kenneth Branagh is terrible. Derek Jacobi is terrible. Emma Thompson is terrible. Wayne Knight is terrible. Horrible. Hanna Schygulla doesn't make much of an appearance but when she does is terrible. Andy Garcia isn't terrible but he probably realised early on that he couldn't pull it out of the mire.

This film is an embarrassment to all concerned.

Earthstorm (2006 TV Movie)

My mother always said if you don't have anything nice to say...

[3/10 · 26 June 2007]

What can I say? This movie is putrid. I watched it because it was sci-fi and I hadn't seen any for a little while.

Stephen Baldwin confirmed that he really is a crappy actor with a wooden performance as the supposed hero. In fact, none of the cast did anything at all to suggest they have great Hollywood careers ahead of them.

Others have commented on the, um, lack of scientific integrity involved. When people are in space they tend to float around rather than walk up and down as if gravity was normal. Given the script included a nuclear-booster for the space shuttle they might as well have chucked in a line about inventing some new-fangled gravity field.

I don't recommend it to anyone, even as filler.

I'm giving it a generous 3/10.

The Departed (2006)

How did it win any of those awards?

[2/10 · 26 June 2007]

When I saw this movie I was stunned at how bad it was and yet that it was rated so highly by IMDb voters. Here we had a highly talented cast and a great (based on fact) idea to work with yet it comes off as contrived, cheesy and unfulfilling.

Leonardo DiCaprio takes the acting honours clearly but there's not much competition. Jack Nicholson is terrible. When he plays bad guys he at least has some charm. Not here. Maybe he wasn't meant to. If so then he was poorly cast. Martin Sheen was ordinary. Perhaps his lack of big screen time has affected his abilities. Vera Farmiga, as everyone's love interest, had no warmth, no depth, nothing.

If you want to watch a Mafia movie then just put on a The Godfather. Watching it for the 20th time is better than watching this stinker once.

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones (2002)

Embarrassingly bad

[16 July 2003]

I thought that Phantom Menace plumbed new depths in poorly written, pointless movies however Attack of the Clones is worse, much worse.

As an example of what I mean, people should view the original Star Wars and then see Attack of the Clones. Where's the sense of adventure? The witty repertee? The chemistry between the characters? It's just not there. Instead, George Lucas assumes that presenting us with a feast of special effects will suffice.

The actors must have had a sense of the cinematic swill they were partaking in, as well, because they deliver the most wooden performances of their careers. There's not one I can mention that stands out, though it appears that Ewan McGregor is at least giving it a go.

*Spoilers*

There are many, many lows in this movie. Obi-Wan Kenobi's visit to the clone planet is indescribably poorly thought out, and elevating the execrable Jar Jar Binks to some sort of statesman defies credibility. But it takes a lot to beat the scene where Anakin Skywalker has a dream that his mother is in trouble somewhere in the universe so he rushes seemingly half way across the galaxy to release her from the rack that her captors had tied her to only to have her expire in his arms right there and then...Please, George, that's terrible...

If it weren't for the unwarranted hype surrounding the new Episodes of Star Wars, and the new age special effects then Attack of The Clones would give Plan 9 from Outer Space a run for its money as one of the worst sci-fi movies of all time.

My score: a generous 2/10

Human Remains (2000)

This is a very funny show

[16 December 2001]

If you like the mockumentary style (such as Best In Show or This Is Spinal Tap) then you'll love this six part British TV series each of which is a self-contained story.

The writers, Julia Davis and Rob Brydon, star in the show and portray a couple with a completely dysfunctional relationship.

From seemingly ordinary circumstances, the two actors manage to turn their relationship into a complete disaster as they engage in interviews about the short-comings of the other, as well as life in general.

If it comes to a TV station near you then do yourself a favour and sit down for half an hour of adult-humour entertainment.

Rating: 7/10

Golden Salamander (1950)

Good acting and suspenseful

[16 December 2001]

Trevor Howard plays David Redfern, an archaeologist sent to Tunis to recover artifacts belonging to his English employer. However, he runs across a gun running operation headed up by Serafis (Walter Rilla). The suspense builds and a murder only adds to the danger for Redfern.

Herbert Lom is absolutely wonderful as the evil, dangerous henchman, Rankl, and Anouk Aimee is beautiful as Anna. A good movie is always characterised by the strength of its supporting cast and even those people with minor parts (such as Wilfrid Hyde-White) add depth and colour to the film.

The only negative for me was the fact that Trevor Howard and Anouk Aimee make an extremely unlikely romantic couple. In the scenes with Aimee, Howard, who was a very good actor, seems to play the part like a man with too much starch in his collar.

Leaving that minor detail aside, this is a good, suspenseful movie and well worth watching.

Rating: 7/10

Irresistible Force (1993 TV Movie)

You'd have to be bored

[2 December 2001]

Stacy Keach plays about to retire former gung ho cop, Harris Stone, who's just looking to cruise along until retirement day. Somehow or other he ends up with Charlotte Heller as his new sidekick, which he is initially quite happy about. What trouble can she cause? Lots. She's an ex-Navy SEAL (played by real life martial arts champ, Cynthia Rothrock) and she causes plenty of trouble. However, Stacy Keach looks bored and Cynthia Rothrock looks more concerned about showing off her martial arts prowess to let the film rise above the ordinary. Stumbling from one disaster to another, they finally end up confronting a group of terrorists who have taken a hostage in a shopping mall. Where else? If you're bored out of your tree and want to waste an hour and a half of your life then watch it. Rating: 3/10