moviemeister1 Reviews

Across the Universe (2007)

A deliciously wonderful feast for the senses

[10/10 · 5 January 2008]

Ah,this then is what film making is about.Create something completely unique,and wonderous,push your art to the absolute limit of the envelope and beyond,and then leave the marketing up to a host of incompetent submorons(WTF indeed!!!).

Where are they,those hideously stupid and vacuous clods who forgot to market this film AT ALL!!I who haven't missed the opening of ANY great film in the last TEN years,was left completely in the dark on this one.No one,I repeat NO ONE let me know anything about this film.Finally a friend of mine who works for the local budget theater called me and said that I shouldn't miss this one.AND HE WAS RIGHT!!!

Ms. Taymor and her entire cast and crew are to be congratulated on what I feel is the best film to be released in the last ten+ years.It is possibly the best musical EVER!!!The actors were superb.Their performances were completely flawless.The casting was right on the money.

I will not spoil it by giving you any details about the film except to say that if you don't catch it on the big screen you will regret it.I foresee that this film will be a cult favorite for years to come.If midnight movies ever make a comeback,this will probably be one of the most watched of all of them.It may even overtake Rocky Horror as the most watched cult film.

As I said before,just stop whatever it is that you're doing,and go see this film at a theater before its too late.I have now seen it three times(and will probably go a forth time if its still showing).And Ms.Taymor,find a new marketing company.RP

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

When petty evil meets the ultimate evil

[10/10 · 1 February 2007]

This has to be one of my very favorite vampire films of all time.And I love a good vampire film.The thing that really struck me about this film is it's out of left field segue-way into the vampire section.First it's a bank heist film,then it's an escape over the border film.Then without so much as a minor foreshadowing ,it's a vampire film.Rodriquez's photography is so awesome it's unbelievable.His shots are tight crisp,and really convey intense emotion.It has to be my all time favorite George Clooney performance.He plays the ultra cool amoral anti-hero,mixed with a Bruce Willisian machine gun speed quips and one liners.It was almost existential in its conception.Every actor gave a wonderful believable performance,especially Tarintino,and Keitel.I would give this film two thumbs up(three if I had them)The first five minutes is worth the price of admission alone.Ydnar

Frankenstein Meets the Spacemonster (1965)

Frankenstein is an unreliable android with a portable radio for a brain?

[1/10 · 15 July 2006]

This film is just one more proof that the mid sixties was one the worst eras for films.There is very little in this film that is even the least bit entertaining.Most of the film is just ripping off other films.I have to admit that Dr.Nadir is pretty funny.He is exactly what Mr.Spock would have looked like if Telly Sevalis had been cast instead of Nimoy.Otherwise it is a complete waste of time.The plot is beneath sub-moronic,the acting atrocious,the dialogue toxic to the ears,and the "costuming" and set design is beyond inane.This film has made me want to become a serial killer.It failed to entertain me even in the least.Ydnar

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)

The incredibly horrid celluloid schlock that will make you want to stop living and suck out your soul

[1/10 · 14 July 2006]

If there were only words in the English language to describe how luridly horrid this film really is.It features some of worst acting EVER,has reams of brain-numbing dialogue,and dance numbers so badly done they must have been choreographed by Satan himself.I would attempt to give you a plot outline,but I never could find anything that even RESEMBLED a plot line.If there was one,it was some sort of post psychotic,Tarintino/Hitchcock nightmare,but only in a horrible mind-devouring way.As if Kafka had written it after a four week acid trip/rotgut moonshine drunk.If that were it's only problem it would have been bad enough.But,the wost part is the absoluetly pathetic special effects/set design/costuming.All were absolutely lame to the max.

If you love terribly disgustingly awful films, then this is one you have to see.Otherwise,avoid this film like a dose of the clap.This movie will make you wish YOU COULD stop living,and become blind,deaf,or anything that will allow you to never see anything resembling this film.Ydnar

Monster a Go-Go (1965)

monster a go, go, gone

[1/10 · 30 March 2005]

OK, so where is the monster, and more importantly, where is the go go. This film is one giant no go as far as I am concerned.From the absolutely pointless narration(why do all of these really bad movies have so much narration?Dammit tell the story visually,after all it IS a movie),to the tremendously goofy dialogue,to the not even laughable effects,this film fails.It completely misses on any scale, but especially on the entertainment scale.By my standard of entertainment,it gets a negative 10.The "science" behind the movie is total farce.Yes ,it sings to us, we must be in a research area;look at all of the beakers,and Bunsen burners.Obviously this must be a lab.The "monster" goes down into a ditch, then disappears, and the man who was supposed to have been in the capsule,reappears, 500 miles from where the capsule landed.Its as if they suddenly ran out of money, and just had to end the film.The absolute best part of the film,is where it gets to the end.rp

It's Alive! (1969 TV Movie)

Not the whistle,NOT THE WHISTLE!

[1/10 · 8 March 2005]

Once again Larry Buchannan proves he is king of the completely incompetent.He can't direct even a descent scene,can't write one coherent line of dialogue,can't even get a decent actor to give a believable performance.It still amazes me that he was able to direct twenty nine features.Was he independently wealthy?He must have been,for who would have continuously funded this lunatic moron.

This feature has as its lead,Tommy Kirk,who starred in many early sixties Disney flicks,including Swiss Family Robinson.He is supposedly some sort of paleontologist,who is out in the field,doing who knows what,and is interrupted by a couple who is lost.he directs them to the home of this complete lunatic,who locks them up in this cave/exhibit.They apparently are to be food for some prehistoric lizard/man.Kirk,we later find out,knew of these creatures(he's a paleontologist stupid).It might possibly been an OK b movie had it not been incompetently written,badly acted,and terribly directed.

My favorite scene,is where the housekeeper tells of how he(the crazy owner)tortured her(its told in flashback),by locking her in a heated room ,with a comfortable bed,three meals a day,and where he awakens her daily by blowing a whistle in her ear(can you imagine,I cringe just thinking about it).

This movie was supposed to be a horror film.But instead,it was just a horrible film.Tommy Kirk,I believe you really tried,but I don't think that Tom Hanks,Hillary Swank,and even Nicholson could have saved this film.The only positive thing I can say about it,is that at least its better than Eye Creatures.rp

Future War (1997 Video)

Jurassic terminators chasing jean claude vandamme(not exactly)

[1/10 · 28 January 2005]

This has got to be one of the worst mis-combination knock-off films of all time.It steals ideas from Terminator,Jurassic Park,and martial arts films.Their Jean-Claude Vandammalike,really left a lot to be desired,especially as an actor.In fact most all of the actors were more like mobile statues than actors.But even worse then the acting,was the special effects,if you could call them effects.The dinosaur "trackers",were obviously little plastic toys,with the close-up shots being dino hand puppets.

Lets not even begin to talk about the cinematography.The horrible overuse of filters,the community theatre blocking,the bad perspective shots to try and make the dinosaurs look "larger than life".Then of course the usual continuity problems,and the plot.Oh man the plot.Few things can take a bad movie and turn it into pure flotsam like a bad plot.And this one has one of the worst plots I've ever heard of.I won't waste your time trying to explain it,because I could not even begin to follow it.Seems like a couple of cyborgs are chasing an escaped slave onto twentieth century LA.They have several dinosaur pets they use to track this slave.After that,I kind of got lost.I would only recommend this to fans of cinema terrible'.rp

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Much fun inside

[10/10 · 23 December 2004]

This has got to be one of the side-splittingly funniest films of all time.No one can deliver such cerebral humor as the pythonians,and this is truly their finest hour(OK,so its about an hour and a half).This film doesn't even wait for the show to begin to start you laughing,it goes for the throat during the opening credits(sorry I don't want to ruin it for you).It made me laugh till my tears were crying.If you are a single chap, and you want to know if a certain girl is right for you,then try this.Bring her to your home,cook her a wonderful meal,complete with a great bottle of wine,then plop her down in front of the telly and start this video(or DVD,whatever).If she is not laughing hysterically within ten minutes,then turn off the box,and break up with her immediately,as she has an impaired humor center in her brain(and will only cause you tremendous misery in the coming years).I only wish I had known of the "python Challenge" during my dating days.It would have saved me years of unremitting heartache(as well as thousands in legal fees). Please trust me on this one,it might just save your life.I give this movie an unrepentant 10,but would give it a 20+ if it were an option.

Red Zone Cuba (1966)

Script,we don't need no stinking script

[1/10 · 29 November 2004]

As far as I'm concerned this flick resets the bar for terrible movies.I have never been subjected to so much pain in such a short span of time since my last root canal.in fact, I think I would rather Laurence Olivier give me a root canal than to ever have to watch this piece of celluloid schitzen again.It had no discernible plot,the filming was horrible,and the acting nonexistent.The editing looked like it been done by Leatherface.The director(who was also the leading man)spent way too much time trying to play the tired antihero to really do any directing.If there was any kind of storyline,then it was beyond my grasp.It seemed to me like some sort of psychotic flight-of-ideas tale.The characters just amble on from one disastrous screw-up to another(which could have made a good story if you could have followed it).In the final analysis,it was just a painfully unwatchable waste of time.But,if you like,cinema terrible', then this is the one for you.rp

The Devil's Rain (1975)

Raining on my fun parade

[1/10 · 25 October 2004]

What an absolute piece of crap!!I wonder how they came up with this.OK,lets get some mediocre has-been(at that time)TV actors,combine that with some young unknowns(with potential),hire a really lousy special-effects team.Now,what are we missing,anything?How about maybe a script.It doesn't even have to believable,just anything on paper will do.This is more than likely how the meeting went.Because the script was horrible,just horrible.Ed Wood wrote better dialogue.King Kong could have written better dialogue.It seems that someone placed a cat on a keyboard,let it jump around for an hour or so, and kept everything that looked like a word.As if that were the only thing that was wrong with this "entertainment" debacle.Then there was the effects (if that's what you can call it).The melting effect really....well it just sucked.The scene with Shattner's father melting was awful.The guy melts completely,without any sign of skeleton.(if you wat to see a much better melting scene go to the ene of "Raider of the Lost Ark", that's melting).Then they made it much worse at the ending scene.They just kept on showing us scene after scene of all of the bad guys melting.On and on,and on ad infinitum.Two minutes or so would have been plenty.Oh yeah, and only the bad guys were melting.

What can I say about the acting?Shattner is all you need to hear.The Emperor of over-acting.The absolute king of ham.No one can "chew the scenery" like Shattner.Joe Estevez,on his best day only wishes he could be like Shattner.He(Shattner) wrings the melodrama out of his every single moment on this film.Borgnine tries to keep up with him but fails miserably,as does Skerritt,et al.

How would I grade this movie?As a horror film,it fails completely.It never provided me with one scene of anything resembling horror,or fright.If it had been a satire, I might have given it a 3,but if it is satirical,then it is only accidentally so.As a comedy,it would get a 2,but I think the things I found funniest,were things the film maker wanted me to take seriously.So I have to stick with a one,but only because there isn't a lower number to give it.rp

The Terror of Tiny Town (1938)

Don't They have child labor laws in Hollywood?

[1/10 · 21 October 2004]

What can one say about a movie like this?I feel like I've been in a pillowfight,where all of the pillows were soaked in Ether.I can't believe anyone thought that this would be a good idea.Apparently some of those guys in Hollywood,drank too much wood alcohol during prohibition.I still can't believe I saw this.OK,imagine this,if you will:A Roy Roger's style western,complete with its stupid translucent plot line,extremely lame acting,pathetic special effects(assuming there are any),lousy stunts,silly slapstick comic relief,and horrific,lunatic singing.Now,shrink all of the characters down to 1/3 their normal size.And,Viola' you have,the Terror of Tinytown.Sort of a Roy Rogers on acid,if you will(or if you won't).Although, in all honesty, when I first saw the "cowboys" riding around on shetland ponies,I nearly busted a gut laughing so hard.But, other than that,its pretty much a waste of time.

Legend of the Chupacabra (2000 Video)

It could be decent independent film....NOT!!!

[1/10 · 2 September 2004]

This flick is so bad its beyond belief.Even for an independent low budget film...it just, well, sucks.I can't even believe even Troma would put out such crap.I have been a fan of some Troma flicks for years(Toxic Avenger,Squeeze Play,Rockabilly Vampire to name a few).But LLoyd, come on,this goes way beyond the boundaries of any taste.It features some of the worst acting imaginable.I think it would have been possible to find unemployed street people who could have been as good...oh,wait, that is what they did.I mean it,these characters have negative charisma.With any luck, the producer and director of this film will have a huge karmic debt because of this atrocity.As will the special effects people.But beyond the terrible acting and the horrid special effects,the dialogue is absolutely traumatic to the ears.The script is full of plot holes the size of Alaska, and there are severe continuity problems.The worst part however, is that it not entertaining in even the smallest way.And this is the most unforgivable sin in film making.But, don't take my word for it.Go out and waste four bucks renting it.Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Rockabilly Vampire (1996)

Elvis Lives.....well sort of.

[4/10 · 1 September 2004]

This movie was a rather interesting first take for Director Sobel.The story is interesting, the comedy works,somewhat,and the characters are well developed.The biggest downside is in the technical aspects of the film. The sound quality is very bad at times.And, the lighting;Lee, one word of advice.TAKE A PHOTOGRAPHY CLASS!!The lighting is terrible,just terrible.Most of it is full frontal, sort of like the old 8mm movie lights,which were mounted on the front top of the cameras.If the director was trying to make it look like a home movie,then he succeeded.But, I think it detracted from the story, the characters,and made the film less watchable. I spent most of the movie complaining about the bad lighting,instead of watching the film.

Still, I have to give the film a 4 out of ten, if for nothing else, the killer soundtrack, featuring some of the best underground rockabilly bands ever.I hope that this director gets more opportunities to develop his craft, as his story was actually pretty good.Maybe, with some experience,and a bigger budget, he could come up with something really good.rp

Rain Man (1988)

He is an excellent driver,NOT!!

[1/10 · 24 August 2004]

I can't believe that this film is on the top of list of anything, except maybe top wastes of good film stock. Cruise is his usual Yes I'm so beautiful I don't really have to act, self indulgent jerk. And, Golino, what the hell is she doing in this flick. She was overmatched in Hot Shots Part Deux, and is way out of her dramatic league here. I know, you're going to say but what about Hoffman? Hoffman did disappear into the role(as he usually does) but I found his character to be very shallow and one dimensional,even by austistic standards.I thought the kid in Mercury rising, to be a much more believable autistic(and I have worked with both autistic kids and adults).Also, most institutions that have autistic people, have much better security than the one in this movie.Plus, the Las Vegas scenes were totally unbelievable.If real people had just taken 70 thousand of some casinos money, they wouldn't have just been asked to leave the hotel.They would have been escorted to the bottom of lake Meade, complete with cement sneakers.There are a few somewhat touching scenes between Tom and Dustin, but far too few to waste time on this film.My opinion of this movie was summed up by Hoffman...Kmart sucks...Dustin, so does this movie.

Best Defense (1984)

Badly maligned flick

[7/10 · 1 August 2004]

I felt this was an interesting concept for a movie.Two characters separated by time and place, but connected by one piece of equipment, on a tank.It of course had its moments of cheese, but most comedies do.Moore's performance was good,as was Murphy's.The only really bad performances were the two female leads,Kate Capshaw, and Helen Shaver. Capshaw chews the scenery, but she pretty much does that in all of her movies, and certainly was no worse in this movie than in Space Camp.Helen Shaver's performance wasn't horrible, but she tended to whine a bit too much.Tom Noonan as the Soviet spy/surfer dude, was a scream,and the FBI surveillance scene made my sides hurt. My overall rating on this movie, is a solid 6,above average, but not terrific.I did feel the concept was very innovative, flashing back and forth from 1982 Southern California, to 1984 Kuwait.So, if you can find this movie in the bargain basement rack,for say 2 dollars or less, it might be worth it to have a look, otherwise, wait to see it on cable.

Ed Wood (1994)

One Of the truly great films of our time

[10/10 · 26 July 2004]

This is one of the best films I have ever seen.I am glad that Landau got the Oscar for best supporting actor,but why Johnny Depp didn't even get a nomination, for the life of me I will never understand.He was absolutely brilliant.In fact,pretty much everyone in the cast did an excellent job.I especially loved Bill Murray as the flamboyant Bunny Brekenridge.People say that Ed Wood was a failure, but I like to think of him as the ultimate trailblazer,the very first independent film maker.He made movies that were very poor quality, but for the most part he had almost no budget, little talent,no sets or sound stages, and little or no crew.most of his outdoor,and public footage(what wasn't stock footage)was done on the fly without permits.He was the first truly guerrilla film maker.I think that Burton,and Depp really captured the spirit of Wood's work.I think that without Ed Wood, there could have been no Rodriquez,Tarintino,or Kevin Smith.So,No, I don't think that Wood was a total failure.

Blazing Saddles (1974)

This will make your sides hurt

[10/10 · 26 July 2004]

I know what your saying, its so politically incorrect. Who cares,its funny.Sure they use the infamous "N" word,But look who is using it. The stupid morons, that's who.Anyway, all of that aside, this movie rocked my socks off.What is really great about it, is that its still funny after fifty or sixty times.Actually, I've lost count of exactly how many times I have seen it, or at least parts of it.But every time, I seem to find something that I missed before.Every actor gives a great performance, but I especially loved Harvey Corman's portrayal of Hedley Lamar. I laugh uncontrollably every time he goes through his list of the "dregs of the old west". Also, Slim Pickens was absolutely awesome.I would recommend this film to anyone with a sense of humor.Just remember to check your political correctness at the door.

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)

this flick is a mexiCAN

[10/10 · 16 July 2004]

This is definitely Rodriquez's best film to date. It features an incredible performance by Johnny Depp(in my humble opinion, an Oscar worthy performance). Reuben Blades is also worthy of mention, for his performance.It also features the weirdest role I have ever seen Mickey Rourke play. The story line and plot line are very strong and extremely entertaining.Depp's performance is a combination of strong drama and comic relief.I think doing either one is diffulcult, but walking the razor thin line between both, and effectively, was a monumental task.But Depp was definitely up to it.No one in the flick gave a bad performance, but I was a little bit surprised by Defoe's work. I don't know exactly what he was going for, but I must have missed it. Of course Banderas gave his usual Badass Mexican mariachi job.But as far as action flicks I would give this a 12 on a 1-10 scale.A definite must see for any guy or gal who likes their movies with a lot of grit and flash.

Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)

intense to say the least

[9/10 · 14 July 2004]

This is possibly one of Carpenter's best films,with the exception of The thing.It is one of the great siege films of all time.The scene with Kim Richards(escape to witch mountain) is one of my favorites.This movie proves you don't have to have a multimillion dollar budget and big name stars to make a great movie.The performance by Laurie Zimmer was incredible.I can't believe she was never cast in another film(but thats Hollywood for you).If you like action and thrillers this film is definitely worth a look.Its not perfect, the plot has some holes, the premise is at times shaky, but all of the actors produce believable performances,especially Austin Stoker,Darwin Joston, and of course Zimmer.

Troll 2 (1990)

could we maybe see some trolls

[1/10 · 13 July 2004]

Your first clue that this movie stinks,could be the fact that although the movie is called "Troll" 2, its actually a movie about goblins.It takes place in a place called nilbog(how cute,goblin spelled backwards).Everything about this movie is disgustingly bad.the special effects suck, the acting is either nonexistent,or so badly overdone as to win the Shattner award.The plot and storyline seem to disappear at times, then suddenly reappear.There are also many,many continuity problems.But the worst of all, its just not very entertaining.mostly its just boring.I would only recommend this film to people wanting to audition at the William Shattner school of overacting,and insomniacs who don't respond to drugs.

It Conquered the World (1956)

watch it;if you dare

[1/10 · 17 May 2004]

If you like thinly veiled anti-communist propaganda, pathetic poorly done special effects, and loads and loads of boring mindless dialogue, then this is the movie for you. Otherwise, avoid this putrid pile of pistol packing paranoid pontification.

I especially love the scene of the base general just casually taking a walk in the woods near the base(as if the base commander would have the time go on a simple hike while the base was under lockdown).Also the woman scientist being treated so subserviently by her fellow male colleagues(hon, I know you have three phds, but could you just go and make the coffee).And Peter Graves final speech smacks so much of Mccarthy era propaganda, its not even funny.He warns us to be ever vigilant to guard against those outsiders who would try to control us, and change our way of thinking... OH NO!!its the republicans,they're coming...they're almost here...RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002 Video)

an unbelievably terrible rip-off

[1/10 · 1 May 2004]

This movie stole its every cliché' from the jaws movies.But whereas jaws made people afraid to go back to the beach, this pathetically poor piece of celluloid jam, will most certainly make people afraid to return to the video store. Nothing about this flick works, in even the smallest way. the acting is revolting, with not one actor providing a believable performance.The effects are pathetic, the plot is a piecemeal pastiche of jaws one,two,and three.but it is the editing and filming which really brings out the stink(in fact they should have called it stink attack as it more resembles a giant air biscuit,as if moby dick had suddenly cut the cheese).I dearly love the cuts of the boat scenes, where one second you are watching a distance shot of the boat in motion,then cut to closeup of the actors talking,and obviously the boat is going nowhere.what did they think, no one would notice?it might have been an OK first movie shot by the skin of their teeth(no pun intended),but this was the director's twelveth attempt.I would recommend this flick only to people who are extremely masochistic(people who enjoy,say, getting root canals).otherwise stay away from this ed wood reject.

Attack of the Eye Creatures (1967 TV Movie)

they really didn't care

[1/10 · 1 May 2004]

I happened to see the mst3k version of this flick, and at one point in the show,the bots and Joel come on with a skit called "they just didn't care",which showed off some of the many glaring errors of the director(of which there was a plethora,many of which even they failed to mention).but the most glaring error of all is the entire supposition of the plot.A group of aliens possessing interstellar travel come to a planet where the light of it's star is instantly fatal to them.But,they forget to bring any protective equipment,even something as simple as a space suit or sun screen.Also, their "flying saucer" was destroyed with a blowtorch.How did such stupid creatures manage to discover interstellar travel.Next to this idiotic idea the rest of the story is just anticlimax.Who cares that the acting is horrid,the effects deplorable,the plot sequence unfollowable,the comedy unlaughable,the costuming unbelievable,and the movie basically just unwatchable. But, like the bots on mst said they just didn't care. consequently,we don't care either. but if its any consolation,the mst3k version is pretty entertaining.

Werewolf (1995 Video)

an unforgiveable lack of substance

[1/10 · 13 April 2004]

this has got to be one of the worst films i have ever seen.none of the main characters are ever developed.in fact,in one line of conversation you learn more about a security guard,than you do about all of the major characters combined.also i found the plot,no i stand corrected,i NEVER found anything resembling a plot.the adult film "Hannah does her sisters"had a much more discernable plot.however the sound effects were the absolute worst part of show.if your a filmaker never,i repeat never, use the foley artist who trashed this turkey.i do have to say that the photography was at least fair compared to most really bad movies that i have seen.but the special effects were pretty lame also. but absolutely worst of all,it was just boring.

Breakaway (1996)

should have been called "this flick really sucks "

[1/10 · 13 April 2004]

this horrible piece of celluloid flotsam should have never been released,as it is unfit for anyone.nothing of this film is watchable.the plot is beyond inane, the stunts are trite and predictable,the acting:nevermind,there is no acting.ive seen better acting in kindergarten christmas pageants.the best thing about it is the directors total disregard for rational process.the mob is portrayed as a group of "keystone"crooks who are not only complete idiots,but are absolutely the worst marksmen on the planet.the actors perform actions without any motivation at all(except for the fact that it was "in the script").the only character that is halfway interesting is joe estevez,playing the protagonist/antihero/christfigure.even the costumer was an absolute zero.the main character starts out in this pirate shirt w/hotpants business suit which looks like something you would wear to an all you can eat lobsterfest.my advice about this movie:stay the hell away.save your sanity,save your money,save your soul.