retrozoid Reviews

Ladybug Ladybug (1963)

Quiet, contemplative and unsettling

[9/10 · 13 January 2023]

How does a child face death? With songs and games and stories? How do they explain to themselves and each other?

This movie has more questions than answers. We live in a time where man made armageddon is both highly possible and unthinkable. Is preparation even possible?

Seeing these events through the eyes of children, the questions they ask as they face the reality of a horror they couldnt possibly understand is deeply moving.

Beyond the context of a nuclear war, it's a unique and thoughtful study of fear, confusion and ignorance. There's questions asked that need to be asked, and I'd recommend this movie to anyone.

Rock-A-Doodle (1991)

Show, don't tell.

[4/10 · 1 August 2022]

This could have been a much better movie, it was planned as a live action animated wizard of oz style story based on Tom Parker's exploitative of Elvis. Interference and compromise ate the soul of the film. The final film is saddled with a persistent narration that stifles every attempt for the story to unfold organically. Movies are a visual medium, especially animation. Having the story dictated to the audience defeats the entire purpose.

This movie had the story, the cast, the animators it should have been much better.

Alien 3 (1992)

Contemplative and eerie

[8/10 · 24 June 2022]

If it wasn't part of the Alien franchise it might have been appreciated more. The direction and production design is amazing. The entire universe feels disquieting and alien. The cast is better than this movie has any right to have, the performances are this film's biggest strength.

Zorro (I) (1975)

Not a bad zorro movie

[6/10 · 24 May 2022]

A little slow and stiffly acted. It's pretty faithful to the source material, but that means it's yet another origin story. It stumbles along gamely enough, and it's worth the time just for the final sword fight, which is energetic and brutal.

The Legend of the Lone Ranger (1981)

Made 5 years too early

[4/10 · 23 May 2022]

The early 80s were for art westerns like long riders and heavens gate. The Lone Ranger isn't that kind of story. This would have worked better with a little more of a Silverado flavor.

The story is actually solid. With a better cast and director, this could have been something.

Inhumans (2017)

Watching Eternals gave me a new appreciation for this

[7/10 · 14 May 2022]

It's not a perfect show, it's clumsy and not well structured, but as an origin it works well, the cast is actually really good, the motivations make sense with complex political machinations.

It's worth a second look.

The Happening (2008)

Classic ecological horror

[8/10 · 13 May 2022]

Like 'The Birds, 'Frogs' and 'Day of the Triffids', this is a classic B movie style apocalyptic eco-horror. The suspense at the unseen is very well done. The cluelessness of humanity is well demonstrated in the cast. It's an under appreciated film.

They Call Me Bruce (1982)

An artifact

[6/10 · 30 April 2022]

Filled with dated references to tv shows and commercials of the era. The jokes are hokey and corny and poorly delivered. There's still something fun about it, but it's no 'Airplane!'.

Tar (2020)

I wanted to like it

[3/10 · 29 April 2022]

There's a saying that a hero is only as compelling as the villain they fight. The converse is also true of monster movies. The monsters are only as frightening as the victims they eat. If the victims are utterly unlivable, the story has no stakes.

The Red Balloon (1956)

A simple and elegantly made children's story

[9/10 · 22 April 2022]

A simple story of a friendship between a boy and ballon filmed with the magic and restraint of a Crockett Johnson story. Brilliant and delightful. 9/10.

Steel Rain 2 (2020)

Not a sequel.

[6/10 · 17 April 2022]

This is not a sequel to Steel Rain. The fact that they titled it as a sequel gives me the sense that the distributors had no confidence in the movies ability to stand on its own merits. I resent being tricked into watching it,but over all it's not a bad movie. It has many of the same themes of political intrigue and action. The same actors in different roles. Most of the action takes place on a submarine. Worth watching.

Steel Rain (2017)

This is a good movie

[9/10 · 17 April 2022]

Similar to 'Olympus Has Fallen', this is a high stakes political action thriller, and a good one. Well paced and authentic. The characters are rounded, the action is concise, effective and never drifts too far into the unbelievable. There's moments of humor and a realness to the motivations.

Stargate Origins: Catherine (2018)

Annoying

[3/10 · 15 April 2022]

All the characters are unbelievable or irritating. The story doesn't follow its own canon or logic, It's rife with anachronisms and missed opportunities. I really wanted to like this, and it worked so hard to make me hate it.

The Organization (1971)

70s cop movie

[8/10 · 29 March 2022]

Frenetic, bleak, and raw. This is a classic example of a 70s era cop movie. Filmed with gritty realism and some genuine suspense, it could stand alone even without the Virgil Tibbs connection.

They Call Me Mister Tibbs! (1970)

Not that good

[4/10 · 29 March 2022]

As a follow up to the iconic 'in the heat of the night', it was never going to measure up. But even taken as a stand-alone police procedural, it's pretty weak, the story is less than tv episode quality, the pacing relies too much on chase sequences to pad out the time, and the final reveal is cheap and unsatisfying.

There is an Interesting family drama storyline showing his struggles with his children, but that's left unresolved.

The only real attraction to this movie is that's the middle part of the Tibbs Trilogy. It doesn't stand on its own.

Cell (I) (2016)

Zombies but Steven King

[6/10 · 24 March 2022]

Like many of Kings modern adaptations, this one recycles a lot of ideas from previous books. That's not necessarily a bad thing, his ideas are usually pretty good and if you've never seen a King adaptation before, it will be new to you. But if you've seen or read The Mist or The Stand or Dreamcatcher or Salem's Lot, a lot of the themes will seem familiar. Still there's plenty to like.

A Return to Salem's Lot (1987)

Good premise Awful construction

[4/10 · 18 February 2022]

There's an interesting story buried under the awful execution. Many interesting ideas and threads that warrant further exploration. It's a true shame this is what the result was.

Sunset (1988)

Missed opportunity

[7/10 · 10 February 2022]

This should have been a classic. All the elements are there. Old Hollywood, a gruesome crime, an unlikely paring of unlikely heroes, a nuanced multi-faceted villain. This should have been another Sunset Boulevard, Chinatown, Hollywood Confidential with humor and heart. It never found it's footing. The suspense parts have no danger, the comedic parts aren't funny, the action sequences aren't exciting and there's no emotional resolution. With watching for the premise alone and the imagining of how good the movie could have been.

The Very Excellent Mr. Dundee (2020)

Perfectly serviceable comedy

[7/10 · 15 December 2020]

If you're watching this movie to see Paul Hogan, you won't be disappointed.

Serenity (2005)

See Firefly, Skip Serenity

[1/10 · 22 May 2006]

** may contain spoilers **

I wanted see Serenity but I wanted to watch it right. So I borrowed Firefly on DVD and watched the whole thing.

I found Firefly to be , was a truly great scifi show. Great stories, great characters, a real western in space.

Amped by this brilliant series, I settled in to watch Serenity.

Bad mistake.

I stayed through the total tone change from the series and I sat through the blatant story changes and continuity juggling. But half way through I got severely Whedoned.

Yes, Joss "Shark Jumper" Whedon has gone for the record on this one. A government conspiracy kidnap one of the greatest human minds. Why? to turn her into a master tactician or a human computer or a Telekinetic superhuman? NO. This Galactic Government armed with the most advanced weapons and armies of soldiers at its disposal rewired this genius brain to turn her into Jet Li. Why does the galactic government need a female amnesiac Jet Li? I don't know. Maybe they have the real Jet Li frozen somewhere and want a mating pair. Maybe the Emperor has a thing for amnesiac chicks who can beat him up. Maybe we'll find out at some future time, but I doubt it.

Then they killed my favorite character.

They made me love him, then they killed him.

And it was totally unnecessary. It didn't advance the story or have any meaningful purpose at all.

If you like 'Firefly', pass on this movie.

The Hunchback Horse (1947)

Not Disney but not bad but not Disney

[7/10 · 15 November 2005]

This movie is, in parts, surprisingly well animated. Not a Disney like movie at all, closer to the Fleischer style. In fact it reminded me quite a bit of 'Gulliver's Travels(1939)' especially in character design and backgrounds (though the main character's design is butt-ugly, like the artist's concept of human anatomy was taken from rumors he'd heard).

The only DVD version I was able to find was from a lesser known company. it was a badly badly badly dubbed version with no sound effects at all and the color was gone. just gone. It made this movie look liked it was filmed in sepia.

If this film were to have a real release with a subbed/dubbed version like is done with other international animated movies, it would be better, but still not great.

However, for anyone interested in the history of animation in film, this would be an interesting to watch.

Battlestar Galactica (2003 Video Game)

good luck

[14 January 2005]

No training, no simulator, no academy, no chance to get familiarized with your ship. You just get thrown out into space in the middle of the largest cylon attack in colonial history.

Since I was small I dreamed of playing a game where I could fly a viper. Those dreams were crushed the moment I started this game. I recommend you take your dreams elsewhere.

And Universal, What the hell? No one wants to play a game where they can die 5 seconds after starting the game. Intrigue me, entertain me, pander to me, but don't kill me the minute I get out the gate. Come back when you know the difference between game design and sadism.

Red Scorpion (1988)

Welcome to Reagan's America

[10/10 · 11 November 2004]

This film captures the essence of the American experience during the Reagan administration. A time of evil commies, senseless violence and stuff getting blowed up. Seeing this movie gives you a sense of the patriotic glee that was such a big part of life in the 80s. Dolph Lundgren gives a great performance as a soul-searching death machine whose disenchantment with communism leads him on a rampaging kill-o-thon. This was one of many movies with a theme that good Russians can escape a bad Soviet system and become heroes and allies to freedom (so long as they don't run out of bullets). Seeing this movie is like seeing history written with grenades. Don't miss it.