axeman-9 Reviews

After Last Season (2009)

Why can't I give this a zero rating?

[1/10 · 20 January 2018]

This is the first movie that has literally nothing going for it. Completely incompetent in every aspect. Completely. The actors can't act. The lighting appears to be a single shop light blasted directly into the actors faces. The sets are thrown together in a warehouse or the directors dining room with props made from discarded office furniture and printer paper. The script is mind numbing and the story impenetrable. The editing is spastic and confusing.

The direction is completely flat, motionless and downright stupid. The director is so stupid he created clearly fake IMDB accounts and wrote pretentious nonsense reviews trying to justify the end product. I bet even the food at lunch sucked. This isn't just bad, it is a perfect storm of terrible that goes clean though bad and out the other side still accelerating.

People wonder how Tommy Wiseau got the money together to make The Room. Whether it was money laundering for the Russian Mob or him saving all his pennies you can at least see some of that money on the screen. Tommy got people with at least a bit of acting experience or who took a class or two. The lighting is ok, the CGI is competent and the whole thing is in focus. What the hell did Mark Region do with the $5 million budget for this piece of dross? He didn't waste it on the movie, that's for sure. This is not even funny bad, just bad in every way.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009 Video)

It ate a jumbo jet, it ate a jumbo jet!

[2/10 · 22 November 2010]

No point bothering explaining the plot in detail, the high concept title tells it all. Two CG monsters battle it out around the world while plucky scientists try to save the day where the military alone have failed.

I watched this dreck back to back with it's stable mate Mega Piranha, which allowed me to experience the full range of Asylum Films talent pool, shallow though it is. Deborah Gibson, the heroine of MSvGO, isn't actually half bad and comes across as having at least some screen presence. She's still good looking and perfectly believable as the feisty marine biologist out to save the world. Compared to Tiffany in an almost identical role in Mega Piranha, she's practically Meryl Streep. As a kid I preferred Tiffany, so it hurt to see her as a near unrecognisable short, chubby sinkhole. Gibson looks almost unchanged from her heyday and can manage to both walk AND deliver lines, a feat beyond my former favourites capabilities.

As for the rest of the cast, the only standout is Sean Lawlor as the straight talking mentor to Gibson. He seems pretty relaxed in the role and perfectly believable, he could hold his own in any TV show guest role. Vic Chao plays Debs love interest and Japans top marine biologist, but his accent changes scene by scene and he would definitely be punching above his weight to get Miss Gibson. Everyone else in the movie should stick to modelling or waiting tables, cardboard cut-outs would be better.

Chief villain of this movie is the director and writer, a one man vortex of incompetence. The story is poorly paced, it's badly filmed, scenes are sloppily blocked out and the characters are laughably clichéd and one dimensional. The end just peters out and no attempt is made to explain what actually kills the baddies. Ed Wood style stock footage and abandoned cement works are used in lieu of proper sets and effects, while the actual effects are far from special. I am a hobbyist animator and I could confidently better the CG effects in this movie single handed given a few weeks.

I was going to list good points and bad points, but there's no real way I can with this nonsense. Any movie which has a 1000 foot long shark leap 35,000 feet in the air to attack a 747 passing at 550 mph goes beyond mere logic. The sheer stupidity involved in many of the films pivotal moments just slap the viewer repeatedly in the face with errors and inconsistencies of enormous proportions. Worse still, the movie practically crawls along when the monsters are not on screen. Mega Piranha, an equally dumb movie, at least has good pacing and is never boring. A film can commit any crime except being boring, and unfortunately this film is often bordering on dull.

Mega Piranha (2010 TV Movie)

Wow! Just wow!

[3/10 · 21 November 2010]

I was always told that no one ever set out to make a bad movie, they did the best they could with what they had. These guys rather blow that theory out of the water.

Anyway, here's the premise. Tiffany and a couple of Americans working in the Venezuelan jungle for no good reason release mutant Piranha into the river. They double in size every few hours and eat several bikini clad women and a US diplomat, bringing them to the attention of the US State Dept. An impossibly ripped special forces dude is sent to investigate, running into the clichéd South American corrupt sleazy Colonel and huge rubbery fish. It all gets out of hand and the faeces/fan interface is spectacular.

Good points? The pace is pretty relentless, with lots of action throughout. The CGI and effects in general are nowhere near as bad as in Mega Shark v Giant Octopus, coming up to TV movie standards most of the time. They only really become obvious because we get to see so much of them. Oh, and there's some smashing boobage at the start. Bad points? Crummy acting, clichéd dialogue, clichéd characters with no more than 1 dimension and Tiffany way chubbier than her old nude photos.

This Is a pretty inept attempt at a scifi shocker, but fun none the less. Fans of rubbish movies will love it, a few beers and all sins are forgiven as you laugh your nuts off.

The Atomic Submarine (1959)

Good for all the wrong reasons

[5/10 · 14 November 2010]

It's all here; the flying saucer, atomic submarines, overbearing narration, stock footage, terrible effects and cheap sets. This is B movie writ large. It has an interesting premise, no doubt about it, and must have been a real draw back in 1959. Unfortunately, the rest of the components of the movie doesn't come close to delivering on it.

The story is simple enough, the newest atom sub investigates terrible disasters befalling ships and subs in the arctic, only to discover it may well be an alien intelligence at work. We get lots of bombastic narration, a sure sign of a poor screenplay, and it's slapped over lots of stock footage of several submarines which in no way resemble the models or sets. The model work is uncommonly poor, probably due to the difficulty of simulating underwater and under ice vistas on a budget smaller than a kids allowance. It's charming and interesting to look at, but still poor and never conveys any real scale.

As for the acting and script, we have several faces familiar to 50's B movie fans, and they do what they can with a sub par script. The supposed conflict between the 'hero' and the son of his mentor is so forced that you wonder why no one just slaps him or sacks him on the spot. They actually look a little embarrassed delivering the lines. The sets are pretty sparse too, both in looks and number. You could count the locations on one hand, not including the fish tank used for the special effects, with the UFO being particularly minimalist. The scene with the young guy piloting the mini sub in particular stands out as there are no controls for him to work, so he plays with a graph pen while 4 guys in frogmen gear stand around watching him struggle to improvise.

All things considered it's no classic, but that won't stop genre fans watching it to the end. It's a bit slow and a bit rubbish, but it's heart is in the right place and you want to like it despite it's flaws. Go see it for free at the Internet archives and see for yourself.

The Alien Factor (1978)

Zero budget monster/slasher flick

[2/10 · 1 November 2010]

As a fan of B-movies, particularly creature features and alien flicks, I couldn't pass up the chance to see this one. In fine B-movie tradition it starts with a young couple necking in a car, and within seconds a monster shows up and offs the boyfriend. From there on in we're treated to many more movie clichés as the movie lurches to it's conclusion 80 minutes later, leaving a trail of dead yokels in it's wake. Fair enough.

First off, no one sets out to make a bad movie. Even with a nano-budget, the film makers clearly tried their best with what they had, and the cast members who have posted here confirm this. The premise of the movie had great potential; a UFO carrying a variety of deadly alien beasts crash lands in an autumnal forest outside Dullsville USA where they proceed to whack the locals in various setups. The local law are baffled until a two-fisted scientist shows up to set things right.

Unfortunately, it's the direction that does for this movie, not the plot, not the cardboard effects nor the plywood acting. Literally within a minute he has revealed the first monster in broad daylight, removing any possible suspense about either the identity of the killer or what the monster looks like. Rather than teasing us with the bad guys and hiding their badly made costumes, we are shown in detail how bad they are. The pacing is often glacial, the music choices baffling and grating, and many scenes are just padding which kill any momentum that might just have been built up.

Yes, the acting is amateurish and the dialogue is pretty stilted, but in the hands of a competent director this could have been another classic like Halloween, rather than a cult classic known only to a few fans of the genre. It's worth a look just to see how it should not be done, and is quite a good laugh if you're an MST3K fan.

Track of the Moon Beast (1976)

Yay for Johnny Longbow!

[3/10 · 23 February 2009]

Why are so many crummy movies filmed in the desert? Is it that the sun turns the directors mental, or is it that nutjobs naturally gravitate to the sparsely populated areas to escape persecution? We may never know.

Regardless, this movie is pretty simple B-movie fare. Imagine a werewolf movie with all the Gothic horror trappings removed, and native American nonsense tossed in as a replacement. A boring yet hunky guy meets a dim blonde, the talk for a bit and then he's smacked on the head by a micro-meteorite. He then spends the rest of the movie feeling dizzy, while constantly trailed by his blonde and a native American professor called Johnny Longbow while complaining about headaches.

When not being dizzy he's busy being a moon-creature, ripping apart clichés and stereotypes in the night. We don't see much of this, concentrating instead on the blonde's legs as she wears a variety of 70's fashions which make her look alternately like a skank or a playmate.

To be fair, they do make a nice couple, if a bit dim. The guys plight elicits some sympathy, but not too much since he's had it easy. Johnny Longbow is OK, but lumbered with all the wordy speeches and exposition for the all too small plot. The rest of the characters are stereotypes and cardboard cutouts, and the story lurches along with little real pacing or cohesion. Not boring in the same way Manos or Monster-a-go-go, but no thriller. Two stars for this, one for Johnny and his bow, the other for the blonde bomb-crater.

The Starfighters (1964)

The Flying Leatherfaces

[1/10 · 23 February 2009]

Imagine if George Lucas had saved cash by not filming most of Star Wars, and instead had Luke sitting around in the desert getting sunburned while listening to Obi Wan occasionally mouth off about the old days. Then, at the end, his friend Biggs phones up and says they won by blowing up a Death Star. That's how exciting Starfighters is.

This movie appears to be a USAF public relations exercise gone awry. They obviously thought that a movie such as this would get the public on their side and boost recruiting, allowing them to buy more super-fast jets with a range apparently measured in yards. They then hired a director, gave him access to the stock footage bin and an airbase in the middle of nowhere, and waited for the magic to happen! However it came about this movie goes nowhere and does nothing, consisting mostly of a micro-cast of interchangeable sunburned Republicans getting in or out of jets between stock footage montages. The only conflict/action takes place over the phone or mentioned in passing, we certainly don't get to see it since the air force didn't film it. A tacked-on bit of love interest in the form of a double date with the only other girl in the movie does nothing to enliven it any.

Watch the MST3K version if you have to watch this movie at all. I like fast jets as much as the next guy, but I have my limits and this movie smashed them to smithereens. It's no Manos, but Lord it isn't good.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)

Did you get it? I think maybe I did.

[8/10 · 3 January 2006]

A quick browse through the comments for this film shows up certain facts quite starkly...

1. A lot of people watched it because it's a Wes Anderson film.

2. A lot of people thought it was going to be an out-and-out comedy.

3. A lot of people don't get it.

I have never seen a Wes Anderson film, indeed I have to put my hand up and state that I hadn't even heard of the man before I bought this DVD on the spur of the moment and watched till the credits. Also the only thing I knew about the movie was that it had some strange effects in it, something that quickly becomes evident, and it's quite intentional.

I don't know how precisely to sum it up, and frankly I think that's a good thing. It's not a comedy, although it's definitely fun to watch, and it's not... well, it's not. It's an experience. We are taken along for the ride on a kind of cut-price, rapidly fading and thinly disguised Jacques Cousteau style adventure, and the plot is used as a rope from which to hang a lot of little vignettes and character development as we go on through the movie.

The characters are each annoying, likable, lovable, dumb, funny and serious, the way real people are. The audience are asked to sit back and let the lives of the crew wash over them as the adventure unfolds, and we see it all and are by turns charmed, entertained and wounded as the story unfolds. The underwater scenes, rather than being hyper-real as one might expect in this day and age, are mixes of live action, CGI and colourful stop-motion animation, all dayglo coloured and completely unreal looking. Some of the events and creatures the crew run into are just as bizarre and completely fake looking, as the director intended. I leave finding the reason for this up to you, although I have my own ideas why.

I enjoyed the movie, it was an experience and it was thought provoking in a way that most modern films aren't. It used very obvious visuals as metaphors, it had characters we liked, hated and cared about and it had genuine pain and laughter in the mix too. Yes it's a bit messy, a bit unreal, a bit tragic in places, but it made me damn glad I'd watched it and gave me a hankering to check out old Jacques Cousteau documentaries again, since they got the look and feel of the boat and it's motley crew so right. If you haven't seen this film, go watch it and enjoy it for what it is, not with a preconceived notion of what to expect.

Monster a Go-Go (1965)

What monster? What Go-Go?

[2/10 · 2 August 2005]

I can only join in with the people marvelling at Mr Rebanes amazing lack of talent, this is a real stinker of a film. In common with other directors of crud such as Coleman Francis and Ed Wood our man Rebane has a nano-budget, non-actors, no real plot, photography so bad it's like viewing through muddy water and sound you wouldn't believe. At one point an actor actually has to make his own telephone 'brrrring' noise, and it was left in! "Brrrring", he says, and then in all seriousness he answers the phone! Wow, that's lame.

The monster is basically a monster because he's a tall person who we hardly see and who does things to people and places that are so hideous the director forgot to film them. If there's a scene where there might have been some action you can be sure it's just mentioned in the narration before getting back to the wooden, cue-card reading actors who do nothing but stand around. As for the ending, it's more abrupt and annoying than even LOTR:Fellowship of the Ring, and that's saying something. You will not only feel cheated by it, you'll want to physically harm the idiots that wrote and produced this non-movie.

The Skydivers (1963)

Like having someone bounce up and down on your head.

[1/10 · 21 July 2005]

The more astute among you will notice that I've given this movie 10 stars. This is not because I really enjoyed the MST3K episode, it is because that while this movie is unashamedly one of the worst ever made, it's not as bad as Manos and the Bottom 100 needs to reflect that. Call it political point scoring if you must, but don't go thinking I like this movie in any way.

It's badly filmed, darkly lit and appears to have been edited in the most random of fashions, so we are treated to gray people popping in and out of the so called 'plot' almost constantly and have no idea why Coleman Francis placed them there. I've seen this twice and still have almost no idea about what's supposed to be going on, surely an awesome achievement for an experienced film-maker like Mr Francis, and I can heartily recommend that you don't watch this. I saw it at a disadvantage, I could see the screen.

So, in summary, a terrible, terrible film but not as bad as Manos:Hands of Fate, or even Colemans worst film, Red Zone Cuba!

The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)

Makes you question your sanity

[1/10 · 8 July 2005]

I waited a long time to see this movie, I had known of it's existence and as a lover of bad cinema I knew I just had to see it, and wouldn't you know it lived up to the hype. It sucks AND blows! A sinister, middle-aged dominatrix is running a secret crime-fighting organisation consisting solely of airhead young girls with pert breasts, cut-off tops and skintight trousers. With this crack team of undercover go-go dancers she does what she can to foil the evil schemes of an idiot criminal mastermind who appears to look and dress like a Mexican wrestler from another film entirely. True to comedy form he has on his payroll a mad scientist who looks like Dr Forrester from Mystery Science Theater, a barely intelligible Igor-like sidekick and a couple of clumsy hired goons whom small children can outwit. Hilarity ensues as our heroes make a terrible film with laughable dialogue, sets and action.

What can you say about a movie that steals many of it's effects and central characters directly from the footage of other bad movies? Lame doesn't cover it, atrocious doesn't come close to describing it, and frankly I think the guy that made this probably transitioned into porn sometime soon afterwards given the way he uses nubile females in this masterpiece of schlock. It leaves me feeling dirty, and by God I think I am. I enjoyed it as I enjoy many bad movies, because it's so downright terrible it makes you laugh out loud at how idiotic some people can be. It also makes you appreciate true cinema all the more, and for that I applaud this awful piece of celluloid. Watch it, it sucks.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

One of the best yet, a strong ending.

[9/10 · 19 May 2005]

Fresh from my cinema-going experience I am full of nothing but admiration for the folks who made George Lucas' vision come to life on film. As a hobbyist CGI model maker and animator I was unceasingly amazed by the work the ILM people must have done, the sheer man-hours and talent that must have gone into this movie must boggle the mind.

Anyway, what we have here is easily the darkest chapter in the series. Empire Strikes Back doesn't come close to this, with people being shot, blown up, melted, flattened and hacked to bits all through the movies 2+ hours of visual candy. I'd have to see it again to accurately count the number of times someone loses a hand, leg or head to a lights, but it's got to be into double figures. And frankly, the movie is better for it. This is no kiddie flick with funny puppets, the tone gets very dark very quickly, and keeps on going until the unavoidable end.

As for the corny dialogue so often brought up by the critics, I think it's pretty much relegated to one or two of the scenes between husband and wife team Annakin and Padme. No surprises there then, we know Lucas is not the best at teen romance, but in bringing us amazing visions of other worlds he leads where others can only follow. Go see this movie to complete the story, to close the cycle and come full circle with the characters that many of us grew up with. I actually shed a single tear at the very end, which must mean something.

Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

So bad it's funny, but not in a good way.

[2/10 · 24 February 2005]

As a lover of crap cinema this is a real stand-out movie, far worse than most films ever get. The gap in quality, writing, direction and effects between the first film and this series closer is an abyss of cosmic proportions. First, some questions...

1. Since when do Great Whites care for relatives? They will eat each other from developing inside the womb until the day they die, so why would this one care about it's predecessors? 2. How did the shark know who Brody's offspring are? 3. How did it know said offspring's job, then lay a complex ambush that required the duty Deputy and the Coastguard to be busy in order for it to work? 4. After the attack and Ellens move, how did the shark uncover her travel plans? 5. Sharks can maintain a steady 70 knots for 2 days no sweat. Since when???? 6. You want to avoid a large fish by moving from an island to... another island. Dolt! 7. Do all sharks have huge bits of machinery jutting out of them? That last one is maybe a bit much, I actually saw this 'movie' on late-night British TV and the pan/scan version shows all the shark workings unashamedly almost every time it appears, making the suspension of disbelief all the harder. I could come up with several thousand more questions about this crap, but suffice to say it's riddled with complete nonsense and is a joy to watch because of this.

I'd hate to think of the poor souls who actually paid to see this trash in the cinema, but as long as you know you're in for a real Plan 9 style no brainer it's a great laugh. Michael Caine is there for the beer money and holiday, Lorraine Gary looks like hell and the shark looks exactly like a rubber shark with mechanical devices working it.

The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004)

Actually, it's quite good..

[7/10 · 15 February 2005]

I have to put my hand up right now and say that the whole Spongebob thing had passed me by up until I saw this movie. I have no kids, no Satellite TV and therefore no legitimate reason to have caught any episodes of SBSP. However, I did see some of the trailers, and being a submarine nut I loved them. I also got the low down from a friend with a youngster who watched the DVD constantly, day after day, and he confessed to loving the show too. What the hell, I thought I'd see the movie.

What do you know, it's actually quite good! It looks almost exactly like an episode on TV, there doesn't appear to have been any attempt to update, enhance or otherwise movie-fy the series. Fair enough. As for the story and characters, while it's obviously geared to a younger audience I'd have to say that at least half of it would only be understood by the more adult viewer, and there are more than a few nods to other movies that no toddler will have seen. For instance, the silent, motorcycle-riding, super-tough assassin is a dead ringer for the silent, motorcycle-riding, super-tough assassin in Raising Arizona, and just as funny. There's a certain amount of slapstick and visual gags, but the dialogue and situations are fine too.

Overall I enjoyed the movie, it's funny and engaging and although it does start to lag a bit in the third act it's still rewarding. I'm not sure if the live-action was a good idea, but it's always fun to see The Hasselhoff do his stuff on screen, even if it's poking fun at his persona. There's laugh out loud moments, annoying songs, cameos, Hasselhoff and all the other things that a one-off special episode should have, and that's fine by me.

Team America: World Police (2004)

I laughed my ass off.

[9/10 · 17 January 2005]

If you're the kind of person who calls swearing 'curse words' then this movie is something you should avoid at all costs. All normal, non-fundamentalists however, will probably end up crying with laughter.

The film, as you are no doubt now aware, is Trey Parkers satire on the heavy-handed foreign policy of the United States and it's current global effect. The US is portrayed as the centre of the universe, Americans are keen but trigger-happy police and the middle eastern people among us are terrorists toting weapons of mass destruction On several occasions they charge in with there high-tech, red white and blue vehicles and blow the bejeezus out of several historic locations as they try to blast the terrorists off the face of the planet. Locals are left stunned and bruised amongst the rubble of their once beautiful cities as the Team cheerful mount up and head back for America, knowing they've saved the locals yet again, completely ignorant of the devastation they've just visited upon them.

I am a fan of Thunderbirds, a fan of South Park and a lover of bad movies and pastiches of bad movies, so this was right up my particular alley. The puppetry was pure Thunderbirds, and on several occasions the limitations of the marionettes are used as material for laughs rather than trying to disguise it. The entire sex scene had the audience in fits, with no attempt made to disguise the joints and obvious construction of the 'actors'. There's so much in this movie I cant begin to sum it up, I can only recommend that you go see it yourself if you haven't already. It had swearing, sex, outrageous violence, vomiting, action, cool vehicles, excellent locations and lots of intelligent humour.

Bride of the Monster (1955)

Bloody Awful

[2/10 · 6 December 2004]

This is a must-see for those who have watched Tim Burtons biopic of Ed Wood Jr, you can see just how close Tim got with his portrayal of Eddies stable of crap actors and wobbling sets. It's almost spot on! While not the worst movie Ed Wood made, it certainly ranks as a rotten B movie by anyone else's standards, and consists of bad actors mouthing bad dialogue in front of cardboard sets.

The film is saved by top man Bela Lugosi, whose gravitas and screen magnetism mean the rest of the cast and plot just revolve around him like a mini solar system. Paired with the amazing Tor Johnson as his evil sidekick, they steal the movie completely from the nobodies that fill the rest of the cast.

All the usual Ed Wood signature traits are here; the crap acting, the banal dialogue, the other worldly editing, the use of stock footage even though it stands out a mile, etc. Fans of Ed will love it as a classic example of his work, Fans of the Ed Wood biopic will love it as it shows just how accurate the movie was in that respect, and B-movie fans will love it because it doesn't get any more B than this.

The Incredibles (2004)

Incredible

[9/10 · 5 December 2004]

I am in awe of the Pixar animation studio. As a hobbyist animator I can really appreciate the amazing effort that's gone into this movie, and it shows in every frame and every scene. This is the best Pixar movie to date, and undoubtedly their most adult too, featuring no cutesy talking animals and a fair bit of menace and mania from the main villain.

Top prizes must go to the designers for coming up with all the Dr Evil style Bond gear used on the Volcanic island and elsewhere, it's a delight just to watch the stuff working so well on screen. The waterfall scene and the underwater landing were particular favourites, worthy of live action movies.

The cinematography too, the best in a mainstream animation yet, really adds to the mature feel of the movie and just looks gorgeous. Final element has to be the music, which in many scenes just make you think you're watching Our Man Flint or a Bond film. I don't know if you can tell but I loved every second of those sequences.

Cinema fans will spot a ton of in-jokes, references and blatant rip-offs that just add to the fun. The voice acting throughout is great, with Samuel L Jackson once again being Samuel L Jackson in a movie, which is just fine by me. Frankly I'd like to have seen more of him, but what there was made me grin like an idiot. Craig Nelson suits the part to a tee, hell he even looks a bit like his character, and of course Elastigirl gets Holly Hunters sexy southern belle drawl. Mmm.

There you have it, it looks great, sounds great and gives real entertainment for 120 minutes of anybodys time. It gets a nine out of ten from me at least, and ten out of ten for the guys who designed the meshes for the sets and vehicles. How I wish I'd though of some of that stuff...

Hobgoblins (1988)

Call the Fashion Police, there's a crime in progress!

[1/10 · 22 November 2004]

There can be no questions of spoilers for this movie, the director beat us all too and spoiled this movie in oh so many ways.

A blatant rip-off of stuff like Critters and Gremlins, this movie fails on so many levels to recapture the humour and horror of those better made films. It ends up a sleazy waste of time, where bad actors deliver bad dialogue in front of an idiot director, who occasionally tosses stuffed toys at them. They wrestle with said toys in much the same manner as old Tarzan films used to use rubber crocodiles, shaking them whilst screaming and trying their best to make it look slightly threatening. It's painful to watch, and not helped by the mental 80's fashions worn by the cast.

Basically, some crazy little aliens who have been trapped by an aging security guard in a film lot finally get free after umpteen years confinement, and begin to telepathically screw around with peoples minds. The guards new recruit, the idiot who let them out despite repeated warnings, gets his gang of 80's friends together and they go off and have minor adventures together while trying to recapture the Grem... Hobgoblins.

All life is here, with the gang consisting of a knucklehead jock, his 80's slut girlfriend, the 'hero's frigid and prissy girlfriend, and the young hero, lacking in confidence and wishing his girlfriend would put out anyway.

First off comes the infamous rake fighting scene, where the ex-military jock shows how he was trained in the army to be a bully, poking the nerdy hero with the wrong end of a rake for what seems like hours. Then there's some running around, terminating in a real pie-fight style ending in a scuzzy nightclub with comedy hand-grenades blowing up everything except the people standing right next to them. Then the film sorta ends, and alls well that ends well.

It's not. This is like watching a train wreck, you cant take your eyes off it, it's so bad. Perfect fare for Mystery Science Theater, but god-awful should you try to watch it alone and uncut. The Fashion Police still have a number of outstanding warrants for the cast, and I dare anyone not to laugh in outright derision at the rake fight. This scores 2 out of 10 at most, on a good day.

This Island Earth (1955)

A genuine B-movie classic

[19 November 2004]

I've seen this film a number of times, and of course the MST3K version too, and it's still a classic. Compared to your average sci-fi fare being churned out at this time in the 50's this is an above average film that doesn't pummel the viewer into submission with an anti-communist message. In some ways that might have helped the plot along, but you cant have everything.

We all know the plot by now, humanoids from another planet are gathering the finest minds from earths science community together and giving them access to advanced technology in the hope that they will come up with a power source that will help the aliens win a war to save their homeworld. Sucked into this intricate web of nonsense is Dr Cal Meacham, a kind of human railway sleeper who personifies the manly, square-jawed hero of the 50's more than anyone else. For some reason we are meant to believe this pituitary freak is the worlds leading atomic scientist, and he's duly recruited by the aliens. Then a bunch of stuff happens around him and thats about it.

That's the problem really, we have Dr Wooden and his lovely screaming love-interest in the middle of what could have been a great plot, but all they do is provide an excuse for the chief alien to talk a lot to explain what's going on. In movies that's always a bad sign, since pictures are supposed to be worth 1000 words, they're not for showing people telling us stuff we should be seeing. Had they been more involved, had the plot had some point or payoff, it might have been a classic of the proportions of Forbidden Planet. As it is, it's just people seeing a bunch of stuff happening around them.

For all that, as a B-movie it's entertaining, and the MST3K version is funny as hell, if a little gratuitously edited to fit the format. The visuals are nice, and I particularly like the cheesy matte paintings and sets for the Metaluna city itself, bringing to mind classic episodes of Star Trek. The aliens are obviously alien, despite the fact they seem to fool the worlds best scientific brains into thinking otherwise, and the Mu-Tant is a classic that's been seen again and again in movies where cheesiness was to the fore.

This gets a 6.5 or 7 out of 10, and the MST3K version gets 8.5 thanks to the efforts of Mike and the Bots.

Shark Tale (2004)

And this is aimed at who, exactly?

[6/10 · 1 November 2004]

I wanted to like this movie, I really did. Bob DeNiro can do very little wrong, and the rest of the cast are pretty special too. Will Smith can get up my nose a bit, but generally I don't have a problem with him. Yet this movie failed to win me over like Finding Nemo and it's less than stellar cast managed to do, and I could only give it a score of 6.0 in the end.

Part of the problem lies in the execution of the thing, the characters are often so anthropomorphised that they cease to look anything like fish and look more like mutants. The Will Smith character in particular didn't know what to be, looking like a very bizarre cross between a black rapper and a thing with long fins. Freaky. The whole use of technology, city streets, TV etc semed to be laid on a bit hick too, it just didn't sit right or make any sense at any level.

Who is this movie aimed at, I wonder? If it's kids, will they get all the gangster movie references? The actors, names and settings will all be familiar to adults who've seen plenty of that genre, but children? One of the main plot threads involves a vegetarian shark being an outcast, with the whole thing used as an analogy for gay son - tough father reconciliation. Gay gangster sharks for kiddies? Nah. Disappointing.

Starcrash (1978)

What the...? Who? What just happened then? Eh?

[1/10 · 23 October 2004]

I thought I had seen the worst space movie made in recent years when I saw Space Mutiny, how innocent it all seems looking back after just watching Starcrash. This has to be the worst acted, worst written, most poorly edited movie I have seen in years. The special effects deserve a mention, because they aren't. It's amazing to me that this piece of fetid crud came out 2 years after Star Wars had shifted the goalposts.

The best thing about the models is sitting spotting which bits came from where, they're made with sprues from model kits with all the parts still attached so nerds can see bits of Space 1999 eagles, the Nostromo, Saturn V rockets, aircraft wheels, etc. Dire! The space battles between lumpy bits of model kits are so poorly made and edited that it's impossible to follow what's going on. Certainly the actors and director couldn't, I lost count of the continuity errors during those sequences.

As for the actors and acting, Caroline Munro and Marjoe Gortner pull some damn funny faces, and frankly I could watch Caroline mince around in her various space bikinis all day, but she will keep trying to act. Disaster! I wonder if Christopher Plummer even lists this one on his resume, but you can bet David Hasselhoff has it near the top of his. I hate to say it, but apart from Caroline Munros legs he's the best thing in the film. Now that's a bad movie.

I honestly don't know how they made this, they obviously watched Star Wars because they blatantly rip it off for most of their plot, designs, names and so forth, but never noticed that that movie had real actors, good writing and amazing effects. Darth Zarn... sorry, Zarth Arn the bad guy makes Ming the Merciless look like a taut, underplayed role, and the whole major fight sequence where men in torpedoes are shot through the windows of his space ship to fight his minions is incredible. Never mind calling soldiers, you want a good glazier to stop the air blasting out, surely?

I give in, this movie sucked far harder than any vacuum I have ever seen. It's a cheapo rip-off of Star Wars mixed with Barbarella and if it wasn't for a babe in the title role no one would watch more than a few minutes of this dross. A new low, really low. Funny, but low.

Girl in Gold Boots (1968)

It's sucktastic sixties action!

[1/10 · 21 October 2004]

What were they thinking, a stripper/skin flick with almost no skin! What's the point? Frankly, there doesn't seem to be one in this late 60's epic tale of bored go-go dancers, slimeball pushers and semi-heroic janitors. A slime-ball drifter/pusher/mugger meets up with a bored busty waitress and offers to take her to Hollywood where his sister is a go-go dancer, so the bored waitress can fulfill her dreams and become the greatest go-go dancer ever! Hooray! Almost immediately they pick up another wastrel, a biker drifter who doesn't push drugs but looks like he's been sneaking into the old valium cabinet quite a bit.

This boring trio end up at the sleazy nightclub where the girl gets her dream job of eye-candy in a short skirt, only to find the reality sucks just as much as anyone in their right mind would expect it to. The nasty drifter goes off pushing drugs, etc and mingling with a local mister big which then involves our putative hero and heroine. Biker drifter hero, now a janitor in the club, sort of saves the day and sort of gets the girl, and the film sort of trails off somewhere I couldn't be bothered following. The End.

What a waste of my time, the film-makers time and mine. This is the movie where time has no meaning, the plot and action(?) plod along for what seems like hours, almost giving 'Manos' a run for it's money. We don't care about the characters at all, we don't see enough skin to make it even interesting in that sense, and did I mention you couldn't care less if the characters lived, died or simply stood still some more? Even MST3K couldn't cheer this one up much, the material is just poor all the way through and bored me stupid. I gave this 2 out of 10, and that's only because I like mini-skirts.

Battlefield Earth (2000)

Saga? I think not.

[1/10 · 25 September 2004]

I have to put my hand up and say that I'm a fan of crap movies, always have been and always will be. They are a repository of knowledge, training films for good film-makers that show how not to do it, how to cock up a great story and how stupid errors can sink the best of efforts. We all love watching inept farce unfold, but frankly there's some deeper evil in Battlefield Earth that surpasses it's poor direction and acting and becomes a grating background noise while you watch. I think it's the movies built-in dumbness.

First off it's based on part of a rambling, dumb book. Not a good start, but many films have been made that can surpass the original source material and entertain us anyway. Not Battlefield Earth however, which just beats the viewer over the head again and again with it's dumb premise and plot twists so obvious they can be seen from space. The entire movie rests on the fact that these half-assed Klingons believe humans to be so retarded as to be useless, unable to even speak or master simple tasks. The whole plot rests on this one fact, yet the aliens are living in conquered human cities, have read our libraries, fought our nuclear powered, nuclear armed armies and space vehicles, yet seem to ignore this fact completely to make the film work. What?

These aliens are so thick they actually do come over as the Klingons dumber cousins, with make up that seems to consist of big foreheads, huge platform boots and hands that are clearly those joke-shop rubber monster gloves. 12-year old kids could outwit these guys, yet we are to believe they have conquered masses of planets and have transporter technology that can send them clear across the galaxy in moments. If brains were dynamite they wouldn't have enough to blow their hats off, let alone conquer space and time, yet the film asks us to believe otherwise in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The final nail in the dumb coffin is that the ending rests on the fact that the atmosphere on the aliens home planet is highly explosive in the presence of anything more than minimal radiation, which makes us wonder how the hell these dummies ever evolved to their current claimed level of science.

OK, outside of the plot written by pre-school kids how is the film to watch?

In a word, crap. The direction sucks any pace out of the action scenes and frantic cuts during slo-mo fights just leave the viewer wondering what the hell is happening, or who is shooting at who? The effects aren't too bad, but remind me of TV sci-fi due to overuse of CGI when physical effects would have been better. Production design is very blah too, with guns that make little sense and vehicles that are a mish-mash of thousands of designs that have gone before. It's like someone realized early on that this one was going to suck, and decided they weren't even going to try and be original.

That's it for me folks, it's a dumb movie that's not that easy to watch and drives me up the wall whenever I think about it. The only entertainment value is watching Travolta, Whittaker (run Forrest, run!) and a cast of nobodies hamming it up to the max. With a better plot, acting, scriptwriting and effects this might have been better, but that kinda goes without saying. 2 out of 10 for this willfully stupid movie.

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

It's no longer good to be the King.

[8/10 · 20 September 2004]

I got a hold of this movie after discovering it here at the IMDb. Just reading the premise get's the juices flowing; Elvis Presley isn't actually dead, he's rotting away in a nursing home until a series of bizarre incidents lead him to team up with an old black guy who thinks he's John F Kennedy to fight a mummy that wanders the halls in cowboy boots and hat sucking peoples souls out through their butt. What? I had to see it. I saw it. It's superb.

While there are many striking similarities with 'The Singing Detective' this movie has a trump card which it can play - Elvis Presley!. In this day and age everyone knows the legendary Elvis and he is at the same time a cool, comedic and tragic figure that slots into this role beautifully. Bruce Campbell really IS Elvis, when he dons the huge silver glasses and sideburns he becomes the King and for most of the film he is a believable, likable and not in any way hammed up character. When he dons his trademark white Vegas rhinestone suit for the final battle, you really feel for him.

This movie makes you laugh, makes you hope against hope you never grow old like that, and keeps you entertained until the last. Can't ask anything more than that from a movie, and it's definitely the best film Elvis ever made. I gave it 8 out of 10 and recommend everyone catch this moving and funny piece.

Tora! Tora! Tora! (1970)

Epic action with good history.

[8/10 · 13 September 2004]

You've got to love this kind of movie, trying their best to tell it like it was and showing exactly what happened on both sides leading up to the war. There's a little bit of bias towards the winners, but that's only to be expected i suppose, and the film does not suffer unduly because of it. Indeed the film is unstinting in it's battering of the American complacency and errors that helped make the attack the success it was for the Japanese, a refreshing thing to see compared to movies in this day and age.

Highest praise has to go to the stuntmen in the airfield attack scenes, I just figured the rules governing how crazy a stunt could be must have been pretty lax back then, but it turns out they really were running for their lives as the stunts went way wrong. Frankly it looks all the better for it, you cant beat a bit of real action and danger for spicing up your movie. I gave it 8 out of 10, entertaining to watch and pretty accurate historically too. Far better than the schmaltzy, inaccurate and CGI heavy 'Pearl Harbor'.