Addams Family Values (1993)

Morticia : [confronting Debbie in her house] You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But, Debbie...

Debbie Jellinsky : What?

Morticia : ...pastels?

Debbie Jellinsky : I don't wanna hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. But sometimes people just won't listen. And so, I have to use persuasion. And slides.

[Showing slide pictures]

Debbie Jellinsky : My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or *were they*? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie. In her pretty pink tutu. My birthday.

[the slide shows her as a child, smiling and opening a gift]

Debbie Jellinsky : I was 10, and do you know what they got me? *Malibu* Barbie.

Morticia : Malibu Barbie.

Gomez : The nightmare.

Morticia : The nerve.

Debbie Jellinsky : [flicks to the next slide of her throwing a bared-teeth temper tantrum] That's not what I wanted! That's not who I was. I was a *ballerina*, graceful, delicate! They had to go.

[the next slide shot shows a burning house]

Debbie Jellinsky : So I-I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn, and ache, and shop? Don't I deserve love... and jewelry?

Debbie Jellinsky : These Addams men, where do you find them?

Morticia : It has to be damp.

Debbie Jellinsky : Would you die for me?

Uncle Fester : Yes.

Debbie Jellinsky : Promise?

Debbie Jellinsky : And I dreamed that when I met him that we would wait until our wedding night to give ourselves to one another, to make the ultimate sacrifice.

Uncle Fester : A goat?

Debbie Jellinsky : [to Fester and Thing] I'll get you - and your little hand, too!

Debbie Jellinsky : [meeting Gomez] Isn't he a lady-killer!

Gomez : Acquitted!

Grandma : [Grandmama waves a skull at Debbie]

Grandma : Luxor, nexor, burst, and BURN!

Debbie Jellinsky : What is she doing?

Grandma : Just a curse. Have a nice day.

[air kiss]

Debbie Jellinsky : My latest husband, my late husband, Fester.

Uncle Fester : The fool.

Debbie Jellinsky : The corpse. And his adorable family. You took me in, you accepted me, but did any of you love me? Really love me?

Gomez : Hands!

[the Addams family, all strapped into their electric chairs, are unable to raise their hands]

Margaret Addams : What.

Debbie Jellinsky : Oh, I didn't say anything.

Margaret Addams : No, that's the baby's nickname, "What." From the obstetrician.

Debbie Jellinsky : Yes, I need to renew my passport. I'll be leaving the country very shortly.

Passport Clerk : Will you be traveling alone?

Debbie Jellinsky : Yes, I'll be a widow.

Debbie Jellinsky : FREEZE!

Uncle Fester : Pookie?

Debbie Jellinsky : I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity. But oh no, not you.

Uncle Fester : What are you saying?

Debbie Jellinsky : I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.

Uncle Fester : But... but... don't you love me?

Debbie Jellinsky : AH HA HA HA!

Uncle Fester : Is that a no?

Debbie Jellinsky : My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants.

Grandma : What about your needs?

Debbie Jellinsky : "Sorry about dinner, Deb. The Pope has a cold."

[the next slide shows a shadow of an axe on the wall heading towards the Surgeon]

Grandma : An axe! That takes me back.

Debbie Jellinsky : Husband number two. The senator. He loved his state, he loved his country!

Grandma : What about Debbie?

Debbie Jellinsky : "Sorry, Debbie, no Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." Oh yeah? Set this!

[the next slide shows the Senator, panicking as car headlights approach him]

Debbie Jellinsky : Hi, I'm Debbie Jellinsky from the agency.

Morticia : The agency? But they claimed no one else was available. They suggested a Doberman.

Uncle Fester : [as they are getting married, Fester tearfully recites his vows] I, Fester Addams, do hereby declare my un-ending love.

[sobbing]

Uncle Fester : I will worship you forever. I will devote my every waking moment to your happiness alone.

[openly sobbing]

Uncle Fester : Henceforth, I am your eternal and helpless slave.

Debbie Jellinsky : [near indifferent] Nice.

[to Cousin Itt, who acts as minister]

Debbie Jellinsky : Ditto.

Debbie Jellinsky : I just can't tell, does he like me at all?

Morticia : Of course he does. He vomited.

Debbie Jellinsky : That's true. Does he always do that with women he likes?

Morticia : Oh no. Just you.

Uncle Fester : I'm her husband.

Debbie Jellinsky : Fester!

Uncle Fester : Gimme a kiss.

Debbie Jellinsky : Gimme a 20.

Morticia : Good night, Debbie.

Debbie Jellinsky : Good night.

Morticia : Scream if you need anything.

Morticia : [Thing hops on Debbie's shoulder] Thing, stop that.

Gomez : He likes you.

Debbie Jellinsky : [Debbie sucks on Thing's index finger; he shudders and falls off] I'm good with my hands.

Morticia : [in a philosophical sighing tone] Our whole family... together at last... three generations... above ground.

Debbie Jellinsky : [shouting from offstage, then suddenly appearing on the scene holding a ridiculous-looking fat-bodied old-fashioned sawed-off shotgun, which she pumps dramatically to chamber a shell] IN-LAWS!

[Shluck-shlick!]

Debbie Jellinsky : You know, when I first saw him, I thought he was from Europe.

Uncle Fester : You did?

Debbie Jellinsky : It's true.

Uncle Fester : But I took a bath!

Debbie Jellinsky : But with your looks, your charm... women must follow you everywhere!

Uncle Fester : Store detectives.

[after Fester walks off the plane with leis around his neck, he approaches Debbie]

Debbie Jellinsky : Fester?

Uncle Fester : Uh-huh?

Debbie Jellinsky : We may be together for a while.

Uncle Fester : All our lives, cara mia!