Hannibal_Chigurh Reviews

Blade Runner (1982)

I Finally Get It

[10/10 · 2 February 2008]

I had seen the Director's Cut (a misleading title) of Blade Runner and was slightly underwhelmed. I mean, sure it looked great, but the supposedly deep story just didn't grab me. Then I got the five disc briefcase for Christmas and immediately put in the Final Cut. Wow. It's all clear now.

Blade Runner is one of a precious few pantheon of science fiction film that has become even more prescient as time passes (the other that comes to mind is 2001: A Space Odyssey). Look at the L.A. in this film, then look at present-day Los Angeles. Subtract the flying cars and robots and you've got the same city (horribly polluted and overpopulated with many ethnicities mixing language and cultures). We follow Deckard, a specialized cop known as a Blade Runner who hunts down androids known as replicants. These machines look like humans and, if given time to mature, emote like humans. They are used as labor and sex slaves, but die out after a 4 year period so their emotions do not develop (this too has ties to the modern world. Planned obsolescence is the reason your electronics never last more than a year or two). When a replicant starts to piece things together before it dies, Deckard must take it out before it harms humans.

As the film progresses, we can see that Deckard doesn't particularly like his job despite the fact that he is the best Blade Runner in town. The replicant Rachael (played by Sean Young) seems to trigger a re-evaluation of his life, and he takes no pleasure in hunting the group of dangerous androids he's been hired to "retire".

This film is Sir Ridley Scott's masterpiece, and the one that best shows his talents. Like his idol Kubrick, Scott knows how to light a scene just the right way, and his use of smoke and blinds and fans and anything else that distorts light is what gives the film its noir feel. He drops clues all along the way to that paramount of questions: Is Deckard a replicant? Every clue can be construed to fit either side of the debate, and it proves that there is no wrong answer to the question.

The Final Cut essentially omits and touches up more than it adds. Most "director's cuts" are excuses to throw in material that was cut for a reason (and a good deal of them are done without the director's consent). Here, Scott digitally touches up a few technical flaws, but he doesn't go crazy like Lucas. Also, we get the complete unicorn scene, which is crucial to the film's big question, as well as sticking with the DC's omitted voice-over narration (which is such a blessing, by the way).

In the end Blade Runner is a masterful look at that which makes us human. Roy Batty's final act gives us all the insight into replicants we need and his final speech is perhaps the single most moving moment in science fiction. It serves to underscore the whole film, and it sends chills down my spine every time I see it. Blade Runner is one of those precious sci-fi films that actually challenges you to think, and it almost single-handedly founded the film genre of cyberpunk, which had been present in literature but hadn't crossed over. Cyberpunk is unquestionably the most thought-provoking sub-genre of science fiction, and this film is its masterpiece. Many people award a film they like a perfect 10, but this is truly a cornerstone that has influenced directors, actors, and entire genres of film.

Rambo (2008)

The Biggest, Dumbest Fun I've Ever Had

[8/10 · 2 February 2008]

Back in 2006, Sylvester Stallone made Rocky Balboa, a film so good it not only washed out the bad taste left by Rocky IV and the atrocious Rocky V, it ranked with the classic first film. The praise he received for it was the best marketing Sly was gonna get for his announced Rambo sequel, which takes our shell-shocked hero into Burma. As someone who hated the beyond over-the-top Rambo sequels (Rambo vs. Vietnam, really?), I figured I'd give it a shot. I mean, if he could pull Rocky out of the Stygian failure it was in, why not Ramo? Lo and behold, Sly has made one of the best theater movies ever and unquestionably the best blockbuster to come out in January.

This time, Stallone gives us the barest of bones plot to set things up, which is a welcome relief to the attempted depth of the first two Rambo sequels. Sly takes a group of missionaries into Burma, then has to go back in to save them when the inevitable occurs. Rambo is joined by a group of mercenaries hired by the missionaries' church to find them. Soon, the rescue mission turns into the war we're expecting from John Rambo.

Sly uses actual film instead of digitally throwing in severed body parts and blood, lending this film the most realistic violence since Saving Private Ryan (Grindhouse used regular film too, but you wouldn't call zombie killing realistic now would you?). Every bloodbath looks all the more grisly. Following the basic plot setup, we never get more than a minute or two without something exploding, which is a wise move that detracts from Stallone's visibly aged body and that blank stoic face that elicits laughter instead of intimidation.

The last act of the film is so epic that it pushed 300 out of the way and cemented this film as the best theater experience I have ever had. I don't normally cheer at a film (it's not like the actors can hear you), but I was going wild for this film. Since t has no plot to speak of and most lines are laughably bad, I wouldn't call this a masterpiece of film, but it's certainly one of the most thrilling action films you will ever see.

Cloverfield (2008)

Starting the year off with a colossal letdown

[3/10 · 22 January 2008]

Jesus, what a disappointment. I didn't eat a thing all day cause I thought I'd get motion sickness from the movie. The only part of the movie that was unbearably shaky was the very beginning. For some reason, once the monster shows up the camera steadies a bit. Now, of course no sane individual would go towards the monster, cause if they didn't we'd have no movie. But I have an issue with the number of people who went. Out of the five who attempt to rescue Beth, only three have any business going. Rob wants to save his love, Jason naturally will follow his brother, and Jay's girlfriend will naturally follow Jay. Only problem, Jason doesn't go with Rob thanks to a series of unfortunate events. That rules out the reasoning for Lily to be there, and leaves only Rob with a legit reason to travel into the heart of Manhattan. Even then, Beth is not Rob's girlfriend; she is merely his crush. He is willing to risk his life and the lives of his idiot friends (he doesn't put up a fight when the volunteer to tag along) to save the chick who blew him off. That leaves Hud and Marlena. Marena barely knows any of these people, yet she tags along. At one point, she and Hud bring this up; Marlena busts a Clerks-like "I'm not even supposed to be here!" (which is true), and Hud questions why she came. Bad move! Films shouldn't call attention to their own plot holes unless it's for comedy's sake. Hud also has no reason to go, other than curiosity. Am I really supposed to believe that the guy can't wait long enough to get out and watch CNN in the morning? This was supposed to be intense and thrilling. The only real moment of suspense came in the subway tunnels with the lice. Even then, the setup for the scene was ludicrous. If you see a herd of mice (or any animal) running in one direction, run in that direction! They just power walk until they hear something, then stop and fidget with the camera. How stupid do you have to be? However, the lice attack was truly terrifying and the only real jolt of the film.

The monster is the source of so many plot holes I couldn't focus on the movie. If this thing came from the depths of the ocean, how can it breathe on land? Why does it have legs? Even if it can breathe, how does it survive in the drastically different climate of land, where there isn't the crushing pressure of deep ocean as well as a different make up of nitrogen and oxygen? The thing looks so unadapted for marine life that I wish they had just made it an alien. Many people complain that they wanted more monster and less crappy acting. While the acting is bad, I think they gave you too much monster. Hud's final scene serves only to give us a closeup look of the thing, but we got a hell of a lot of revealing glances along the way (I assumed the way people talked about it that the most you got was a roar and a foot. Instead, you see the whole thing several times, but at a distance.) Also, the lice bring up questions. If they infect anything they bite leading to an Alien-like chestburster explosion of blood, why hasn't the monster been infected? I don't think there are enough creatures in the deep sea to feed the huge number of lice on the creature, so how have they survived the thousands of years that the monster has been underwater?

Abrams and Goddard came up with this elaborate back story for the monster involving a Japanese corporation that makes a drink called Slusho. Note that what I'm about to say may seem like spoilers, but at no point in the movie does any of the following come up: Slusho's main ingredient is a super-sweet nectar found in the depths of the ocean. Apparently, this is the monster's source of food, and when the drink becomes a hit, Slusho mines the hell of it, draining the beast's food supply. If the thing lives off nectar, why does it have such a predatory mouth (it looks like it was made to kill)? It should be something like a proboscis to suck the nectar from the water. I understand that Abrams and Reeves couldn't reveal this within the confines of the first person POV of the film, so why bother? It's like they tried to tack on a point to the film, making it as much about consumerism's effect on the world we live in as Godzilla was about the atomic age. But you can't do that if it doesn't appear in the film. This is why I never got into Lost.

The first person POV was something I got behind, and it remains the highlight of the film. It made the subway scene and some monster reveals actually scary and tense. The rest was just annoying. The group makes frequent stops that are too long, yet they make rash decisions during this time of rest. The dialogue is bad, but happily there isn't too much of it. It made me feel like I was there even though every shoddy line took me right back out. It also didn't help that whenever I saw Lily, I couldn't focus cause the moron is running around in heels. Yeah right.

In the end, this was marginally entertaining at its best moments, but I spent way too much time laughing at the idiocies, bad acting, and glaring plot holes to be fully engaged with this film. 3/10

Bowling for Columbine (2002)

An Even-Handed Look at Gun Violence

[8/10 · 31 October 2007]

Michael Moore's documentaries are heavily criticized for their one-sided portrayal of the films topic. People don't seem to realize that nearly all documentaries (with the main exception of Ken Burns' work and nature docs like Planet Earth) are biased. However, Bowling For Columbine is a pretty objective look at why Americans have more gun-related deaths than any other developed country. Moore mainly uses the Columbine shooting and the shooting of a six year old girl named Kayla by another six year old as his big examples of the violence in America.

Moore interviews a wide variety of people from law officials to Columbine survivors to Canadian citizens to shock-rocker Marilyn Manson. He interviews Canadian citizens and politicians as to why Canada, despite having 7 million guns in 10 million houses, has only a few gun deaths a year. Michael uses Canadian interviews juxtaposed against Americans' opinions why gun violence is so prevalent in the US. All the reasons people list are refuted as Canada has the same issues and population.

Moore spends the bulk of the film analyzing the Columbine massacre (makes sense; Columbine's in the title), and interviews people who knew the boys, survivors, Lockheed Martin execs (the company that made the weapons), and the outspoken father of one of the victims. The best interview, however, is with Marilyn Manson. Manson received a lot of blame for the massacre basically for being weird and a rock star. He has the most articulate musings on the killing. You can tell as Michael interviews him that Manson has thought long and hard about this. As someone who became a scapegoat for no justifiable reason, he has studied the event and what may have actually caused it, something the media never really did. He gives the most thought-provoking response in the entire film when Moore asks him what he would say to Eric Harris, on of the Columbine shooters. Without hesitation he says "I wouldn't have said anything to him, I would have listened to what he had to say." Anyone who considers Manson a brainless, evil rocker should check out this interview.

Moore, a member of the NRA, doesn't condemn the organization, though he strongly objects to some rallies that Charlton Heston held following both of the shootings Michael covers. Many accuse Moore of bullying, but in his interview with Heston, Michael is the calm one. Where some would just lay blame at Heston's feet, Moore is genuinely interested in the man's opinion of the root of the number of gun deaths.

Despite funny interaction, powerful archival footage, and captivating interviews, the film is not without flaws. While Moore investigates the cause of the death of Little Kayla, he confronts Dick Clark because the mother of the boy who shot the girl worked a second job at Dick Clark's restaurant. Dick Clark has the thinnest possible tie to the case, yet Moore makes him out to look like a jerk for not granting an interview. This is where the accusation of bullying could be valid. Also, he uses certain camera shots to suggest things about some people (Clark, Heston, and an LA sergeant) that may or may not be true. He makes them into jerks or racists, which really can't be determined by a little camera work though it can mislead. Still, this is a wonderful look into violence and the media that feeds it.

The Big Lebowski (1998)

One of the Great Cult Classics

[9/10 · 29 October 2007]

The Big Lebowski is perhaps the most surreal film from the Coen brothers, who have made their careers on surreal, dark comedies. There are numerous diversions, but the main plot is a take on ransom films. The film would have been a massive failure if not for some key performances. Jeff Bridges is The Dude, a.k.a. Jeff Lebowski, who is mistaken for a millionaire of the same name whose wife owes money to a pornographer. The Dude is an unemployed layabout who bowls with his two friends Walter and Donny. Walter is played by John Goodman, who portrays the character as a short-tempered Vietnam vet who uses his military service to justify his behavior. He constantly yells at Donny (Steve Buscemi) for no real reason, and waves guns at minor bowling infractions. The Dude finds himself caught up in the Big Lebowski's ransom as the millionaire hires him to give the ransom to the kidnappers. The millionaire's aide is Phillip Seymour Hoffman, who plays a sycophantic named Brandt. Hoffman is the third most enjoyable character in the film, with his forced laugh and yes-man lines.

The simple ransom goes horribly wrong and the plot gets ever more complex as more characters are added. This one of a few comedies that warrants multiple viewings just to understand it. There are enough quotable lines to be entertaining upon first watch but you have to see it again to discern the genius of the plot turns.

The dream sequences take away from the film as they are too long and don't really move the movie forward or even introduce a side-plot. Still, the film is one of the best Coen films (not as great as Fargo, but what is?) and it remains a cult classic and one of the best comedies ever made.

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

The Greatest Comedy Ever Made

[10/10 · 28 October 2007]

Dr. Strangelove came at a time when the Cold War came closest to turning hot. Both the United States and the USSR kept building more and more missiles in case of attack. Stanley Kubrick wanted to make a film pointing out the insanity of the Cold War. While adapting the novel Red Alert, he realized the best way to do so was to make a comedy out of it. Stanley drafted satirist Terry Southern to help turn the thriller into a black comedy. What resulted was the greatest piece of satire ever put to film.

As if Terry Southern wasn't enough, Kubrick managed to secure Peter Sellers, the most talented and versatile comedic actor since Charlie Chaplin and perhaps ever. Sellers played three roles (it would have been four if he hadn't broken his leg trying to play Major Kong): the RAF officer Lionel Mandrake, US President Merkin Muffley, and the mad German-born scientist Dr. Strangelove.

The film begins with General Jack D. Ripper (see if you can spot that joke), played by Sterling Hayden, sending the planes under his command to nuke their designated targets in Russia. He can do so thanks to a provision that allows officers to ordering nuclear bombings instead of relying on the president. Meanwhile the President meets with chiefs of staff in the War Room to countermand the order. The only general who really speaks is Air Force General Turgidson, played masterfully by George C. Scott. The only downside of having Peter Sellers in the movie is that Scott's work goes often unappreciated. His facial and body language is so animated, hilarious and perfect that I devoted three viewings to focusing on it.

The film adds a third setting: one of the bombers sent into Russia. The captain of the plane is Major Kong, portrayed by Slim Pickens, who filled in when Sellers couldn't pull it off. To my knowledge Kubrick never told Slim it was a comedy, so he plays the straightest role in the film. The film constantly switches from the plane, the War Room, and Ripper's base, which is under fire from US troops trying to arrest Ripper.

While the film has only a few quotable lines (chief of which being "You can't fight in here, this is the War Room), every scene has something, either spoken or visual, that gets laughs. As Us troops fire upon fellow soldiers at Ripper's base, a giant sign that say "Peace Is Our Profession" stands behind the action. When the president brings the Russian ambassador into the War Room early on, it sparks many gems (including the aforementioned quote). He also sets up the phone conversation between the president and the premier of Russia, which is one of the funniest phone calls ever put to film. Taken out of context, none of it is amusing, yet when presented against the backdrop of the threat of nuclear holocaust, the trivialities and pleasantries are hysterical.

While Mandrake and the president have more lines, the best character Sellers portrays is Dr. Strangelove, a former Nazi scientist who has since become an American citizen and a weapons researcher for the US. Sellers' mannerisms and inflections will have you gasping for air.

Dr. Strangelove does retain the thriller aspect of the film's original intent. However, as the comedy darkens one can predict the outcome of the film. People call this Kubrick's only comedy, but I think that's not true. Stanley applied this kind of dark, vicious humor to nearly every film he made after that. Full Metal Jacket is loaded with it. A Clockwork Orange in a sense is a dark comedy, only one that deals with crime, punishment, and the government's symbiotic and mutually parasitic relationship with the media. Dr. Strangelove remains his pure comedy, though, and like all Kubrick films, pushed the genre it was made in to new heights. This was my first Kubrick film and I immediately became a fanboy after it. This remains my second favorite film behind Apocalypse Now. It's still just as relevant today as it was back then, and it's also just as funny.

Commando (1985)

Big Dumb Fun

[7/10 · 27 October 2007]

Commando is perhaps the most over-the-top film Arnold Schwarzenegger has ever made, and that's no small feat. The bare bones plot involves retired Special Ops Colonel John Matrix whose daughter is kidnapped by a South American tyrant who Matrix deposed. The president's main thug is one of John's former squadmates, Bennett. They put Matrix on a jet bound for the president's country to assassinate the current leader. Of course, Arnold manages to escape and it's a race against time to get his daughter back before they realize the plan's gone wrong.

Along the way, Matrix recruits a random lady, Cindy, to help him. She serves no purpose except for a few scenes. At least they didn't make a romance out of it. Arnold mixes his standard action fare with Bond-like one-liners, which works in some places and fails in others.

The action here is incredible. Arnold takes on the tyrant's private army single-handedly. It's not quite as ridiculous as Rambo battling the Viet Cong all by his lonesome, but it's still beyond far-fetched. Explosions and bullets fill the screen for the last 20 minutes, and it's some of the best action you'll ever see. However, this doesn't excuse the mercilessly slow opening third of the film. A film like this doesn't need that much time to establish the story and get things really rolling. The first two Terminators blend action with story much better than any other flick Arnold's been in, and the action in those films is better too. Still, if you're in the mood for a mindless shooter. Look no further.

Léon: The Professional (1994)

A Unique Action Thriller

[9/10 · 27 October 2007]

Leon The Professional is one of the most captivating action films ever made. I don't think I've ever seen such good acting in any other action flick. Jean Reno plays the hit-man Leon, the best in town. One day he takes in a girl whose family has just been killed by a crazed DEA agent. Mathilda is played by Natalie Portman in her debut performance, and she plays the part flawlessly. She combines the innocence and high-spirits of youth with the somber world-weariness of someone who has seen far more than they should. The DEA agent is played by Gary Oldman, who brings his incredible skill with villains to the film.

After Leon takes her in, Mathilda presses him to teach her to kill so she can exact revenge. As he trains her, the two develop a chemistry that is more convincing than 99 percent of the on-screen relationships I've seen. Mathilda develops a crush on Leon, which flusters the hit-man. Although some critics find this disturbing, the relationship is very much father/child as opposed to Lolita. Still, Portman's performance is so incredible that if you're not careful you'll find yourself actually wanting the relationship to grow. She plays the part with such maturity that you forget her age.

The action sequences are very well done and don't get bloated to the point that it's over the top. In fact, the only over the top thing in the movie is Gary Oldman, but he does it in his own special way that makes the part interesting as opposed to unintentionally funny.

The extended version of the film is the superior cut, though it suggests that Leon actually could love Mathilda in a sexual way if he had not been heartbroken in his youth. I prefer the notion that Leon's love for her is purely fatherly despite the convincing nature of Mathilda's crush. Still, the film never comes close to the pedophilia that some accuse the film of depicting.

Mallrats (1995)

An Under-Appreciated Effort

[7/10 · 26 October 2007]

Following Kevin Smith's simplistic yet incredible debut, he got picked up by the indie patrons Bob and Harvey Weinstein. The powers that be threw money at Smith, who didn't even want it. He believed he could make Mallrats for at most 2 million. They gave him six. As a result, the film contains dialogue and events meant for a $500,000-$2 million picture and put $6 million worth of stuff in it. This makes a little too schlocky.

To use the budget, Kevin writes a plot that involves too much movement. What could have been said one set is spread out to three. The film follows Quint and Brodie as they hang out in a mall after both being dumped by their girlfriends. Jason Lee rocks in his debut film performance as a snarky, wildly funny sidekick that usurps Jeremy London at every turn. Jay and Silent Bob still have the tiny role from Clerks even though it's a much bigger film. Chasing Amy also didn't give them a big role, but that film also didn't call for them as much. J&SB appear often here but don't have enough to do.

Like all Kevin Smith films, the dialogue is incredible. Lee gives the lines his own flair, and is my favorite VA cast member. He even beats out Jeff Anderson's Randall in terms of acerbic wit. The schlocky elements, though a little annoying at times, are fairly well done and most of them get laughs.

When this came out, the critics tore Kevin apart for the sophomore slump. In reality, he did the best possible job he could have considering all the studio pressure on him. Mallrats was a necessary flop that proved to the studio heads that Kevin was best left alone. That resulted in a string of great films from Chasing Amy to the most recent, Clerks II (yes, I even include Jersey Girl in that. It's a great film). This has been called the gateway film to the View Askewniverse, as this is the first Smith film many see. It is by no means a bad film, but it's probably Kevin's least accomplished effort.

Seven Samurai (1954)

The Greatest Epic of All Time

[10/10 · 26 October 2007]

Akira Kurosawa is perhaps the most important director of all time. His work has inspired future directors, writers, and even genres of film. Among his many cinematic triumphs, Seven Samurai reigns supreme. Kurosawa took his love of John Ford Westerns and mixed the ideals presented in those films with the samurai culture that he is descended from. Rather than draw from the noble myths that surround samurai, he used historical fact. Samurai after the fall of the feudal system became no separate from thieves, rapists, and bandits. This is a far cry from the romantic tales associated with them (the same holds true for knights in the Old World).

The opens with bandits coming across a village that they recently raided. In order to maximize their loot, they decide to come back once the peasants have had time to grow more crops. The farmers know that the bandits will come and a small group vow to fight back. They travel to a nearby city looking for ronin (masterless samurai) to recruit to lead the farmers. The samurai must be willing to work for only rice, for the farmers can't pay and no glory can be gained from this. The farmers hope to find four. Instead, seven volunteer for this fight. The most important are Kambei (the wise and experienced sage), Katsushiro (the youngest of the bunch and the only one whose dreams have not yet died), and Kikuchiyo (the off-kilter fighter who technically is not invited to join the group). Kikuchiyo is played by the incomparable Toshiro Mifune, who gives the character a wacky zaniness mixed with a heartfelt desire to be accepted. It is he who breaks the tension between the samurai and the peasants. Farmers have learned to fear samurai, while the ronin are outraged that peasants kill samurai if they get the chance. Kikuchiyo knows that the peasants do this because of all the atrocities that samurai have committed over the years.

The action sequences in the last third of the film were the most epic action scenes of their time. It has proved the foundation of the action genre with a grand battle to defend the village. Mifune swings his sword with such passion that in some places if you pause the film the blade disappears.

While the film is 3 1/2 hours long, Kurosawa presents the story in such a way that time flies. I've never seen a film that long that felt so short. The character development that the three main samurai and the peasants go through is astonishing. You actually care when someone dies because you've seen them for so long and you've gotten to know the characters in and out. Killer action, even better acting, and masterful pacing and direction make this one of the ten best films you'll ever see.

Do the Right Thing (1989)

Brilliant Dramedy With a Shocking Finale

[9/10 · 26 October 2007]

Do The Right Thing is perhaps the best case study of racism ever made. Some people claim that the film perpetuates black stereotypes. Some people don't think. The black people in Do The Right Thing, like the white, Hispanic, and Korean people) exhibit all the unfounded fear and rage that stems from racism. The only truly stereotypical black man in the film is portrayed as an idiot. Buggin' Out sets the whole thing in motion because he is outraged that the local Italian-American pizza man Sal doesn't have any pictures of African-Americans on his wall. He spends the rest of the film trying to gain support for a boycott of Sal's. The rest of the predominately black neighborhood rightly views him as an idiot.

Spike Lee himself plays Mookie, the closest thing to a protagonist in the film. Mookie is a lazy delivery boy at Sal's who has a girlfriend and a baby that he doesn't support. Samuel L. Jackson plays the local DJ who is ultimately the voice of reason in the film. There are a slew of backup characters, nearly all of whom play important roles. Radio Raheem, Da Mayor, Sal's sons, Jade, and many others are vital to the film.

If I had to guess why some people don't like this film, I would say it's due to the fact that there are no good guys. There aren't even any bad guys. There is no one to root for because everyone is guilty. Spike Lee's magnum opus examines the deterioration of characters incredibly. You can feel the characters wearing thin as the hot day drags on and tension mounts. The only flaw of the film is that the subplot of Mookie's relationship with Tina flip-flops, but even that is for a purpose. Don't let the handful of vocal naysayers keep you from watching this indie masterpiece.

Transformers (2007)

Michael Bay Strikes Again

[6/10 · 26 October 2007]

I admit, the prospect of a Transformers film filled me with ecstasy. I'm too young to have seen the G1 cartoon but I grew up on G2, Beast Wars, and any other version I could get my grubby hands on. When I heard they were making a live film and that Spielberg was involved, I was over the moon. Then I found out that Spielberg was produced and the film would be directed by Michael Bay. Oh what a sad day. Bay is a master of special effects, but he can't make a stimulating and engaging film to save his life.

The plot of the film is (as I expected), thin. However, Bay does what he always does and stretches the plot as far as he can, thus making every flaw infinitely more obvious. This film could have survived with no plot at all, but instead he milks the bizarre story for way more than its worth.

Another problem: too many humans. I wanted to see a movie with robots beating the bolts off one another. I got some of that, but Bay allows the military and even average schmucks to square off with these mechanical titans. Shia LeBoeuf earns my eternal respect and admiration for pushing the part of Sam far beyond its limits, but in a good way. He's charming, funny, engaging; he must have shown up on the wrong set and decided to stay. Megan Fox is hot, but she only serves to set up more laughs from Shia. These should have been the only two noteworthy humans in the film, but no. We've got two hackers, the Secretary of Defense, a small band of soldiers, and even a government agency. In a film devoted to robots, the robots only appear on screen about 20 percent of the time. As with all Bay films, it tries to convey depth with a thin romantic subplot. Cheesy romance does not equal depth. Character development and analysis equals depth. Robots have no depth (even sentient ones), so just get to the fighting.

When Bay deigns to let us see the Transformers, he only looks at the Autobots. In the entire film we are allowed one snippet of Decepticon dialog where Megatron tells off Starscream. The rivalry between those two is hands down the richest and deepest part of the cartoon. How could you not go further with that? Axe the longing stares that Shia gives to Fox and you've freed up enough time to study the only intriguing subplot in the Transformers universe. But no, we instead look at the Autobots, who repeat over and over that humans must be protected. I appreciate it fellas, but I can't root for you if I can't see how evil the other guys are.

There are some funny lines here (notably involving Sam's parents), and the action is just what you'd expect from a Michael Bay film: loud, explosive, and awesome. However, this film would have been a modern action masterpiece if Spielberg had directed and Bay had produced. Steven would have given the explosions purpose. He would have looked at the bad guys. Bay could still put fire and bullets all over the place, but he couldn't bore us with yet another pointless romance. It's worth seeing and if you have an HD player, it was made for this film, but it's a vacant film that could have and should have been much more entertaining.

Spider-Man 3 (2007)

A Great Disappointment

[3/10 · 25 October 2007]

I was all ready for the third installment of Spider-Man 3 as soon as I saw the excellent Spider-Man 2. SM2 was maybe the best superhero film of all time (if it isn't, only Superman 2 is better), and the promise of Venom had me unable to wait for this flick. Then I saw it opening day. It's like they took all the flaws from the first two and left out the good parts. Peter Parker's efforts to cope with his powers always set the comics apart from the comics at the time. Here, Raimi jumps the shark and makes the boy emo. How is any intelligent person supposed to take emo seriously? Gwen Stacy, a very important figure in the comics, is reduced to minimal screen time and few lines. I don't even read comics, and I know she's significant. That's an indicator you should probably give the lady some lines.

The main villain is Sandman, a misunderstood criminal who has maybe the least scary powers ever. Oh no, it's the Sandman! He's gonna get stuck in my crack! Sandman is played by Thomas Haden Church, who actually gives the part the depth and feeling that should have been given to Peter Parker. James Franco is back as Pete's former best friend Harry, and it's painfully obvious that Franco pushed that part as far as it could go in the last film. Venom is reduced to about 15 minutes of screen time, which is the greatest travesty of the film. Venom is the greatest of all Spidey villains. Topher Grace doesn't have enough time to build up Eddie Brock or his fiendish alter-ego, making him yet another victim of the film's bloating.

Venom's not the only bad villain. The New Goblin, Harry Osbourne's vengeful alter-ego, is a mess. Harry, who would have failed out of high school without Peter's help, somehow managed to build an all-new array of weapons and suits. Okey-dokey. As I understand it, the substance that he took to gain the Goblin's heightened strengths also increased his intelligence, but I don't know for sure because it wasn't explained. Next, he doesn't wear a mask. James Francois not menacing in any way, shape, or form. It's such a great irony that the animated Willem Dafoe was restricted by a mask yet James Franco gets to show his pretty mug. He bore almost no resemblance to the Green Goblin, and his weapons were over the top even for a superhero film.

Here's a bit of advice: don't hire good performers like Topher Grace, Bryce Dallas Howard, and James Cromwell (who plays Gwen's dad), and then not let them develop their characters. Don't interpret the mood swings and aggressiveness brought on by the black suit as emo. Most importantly, don't put a dance number in a superhero blockbuster. I hope they fix these bugs in time for Spidey 4. Sony, let this be a lesson not to go crazy just because a franchise is successful.

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

The Greatest Book Adaptation Ever

[10/10 · 25 October 2007]

In 1971 Stanley Kubrick decided to adapt the cult novella A Clockwork Orange. Stanley was no stranger to controversy (he adapted the novel Lolita back in 1962), but the firestorm associated with this film would make Lolita look like a Disney film by comparison. The film takes place in a futuristic England and centers around Alex DeLarge, a psychopathic teenager who leads a gang of thugs and rapists. He and his "droog" (friends) speak in a special slang called Nadsat, which was invented by the author of the book. Alex is played by Malcolm McDowell. To get an idea how good he was in this role, check out the rest of his work. Nearly every role he played after this had roots in this villain (especially Caligula). He also was the first person in a Kubrick film to use the maniacal stare that Stanley transfered to Nicholson in "The Shining" and Vincent D'Onofrio in "Full Metal Jacket."

In typical Kubrick fashion, the film leaves all endings and assumptions to the viewer. In fact, even the genre of the film is subjective. For some, it is a thriller that follows one sociopath's voyage through the criminal justice system. For others, it is a morality play that questions just how far the government can go. I see it as a dark comedy that tackles both of the aforementioned subjects. Kubrick blends the genres in a way that had not been done before and has not been seen since. When it was released it was considered disturbing because of its depictions of violence and rape. The truly disturbing feature of the film is that it can make you laugh at these heinous crimes. You'll laugh your head off then be ashamed of yourself.

It will take multiple viewings to comprehend the genius of this film, but it's the only film that I've ever had to watch more than once that is immensely entertaining upon first viewing.

Full Metal Jacket (1987)

Yet another Kubrick classic

[9/10 · 25 October 2007]

After a seven year hiatus following the release of the horror masterpiece The Shining, Kubrick returned with a war film, Full Metal Jacket. The film manages to take a slew of war clichés and make them into something wholly original. The movie opens at Marine boot camp, with R. Lee Ermey yelling his head off at all the new recruits. He focuses in particular on Leonard Lawrence, whom he dubs Private Pyle. Vincent D'Onofrio makes a stunning debut, playing Pyle with equal parts lovable simpleton and ticking time bomb. His performance is so unsettling that he (and Ermey's profane Sgt. Hartman) is the most memorable part of the film.

The second part of the movie takes place in the Nam, specifically in a fight for Hue City. Pvt. Joker, a Marine reporter, joins his training buddy Cowboy as he documents the battle. While many of the film's fans prefer the first, more comedic half, the second is where the film achieves greatness. The humor here is even darker than in the training segment, and Kubrick uses action sequences for a purpose. Rather than just having explosions to excite the audience, he uses the fight to show the effects of the war on these soldiers. Adam Baldwin's Animal Mother is the most fascinating study.

While the two distinct parts of the film divide viewers, the film is truly another triumph for Kubrick. It is the third best Vietnam film I've seen (the first two being Apocalypse Now and Platoon), and like those two films and all great war movies, the conflict is not with the enemy but with oneself and one's allies.