Solrac-3 Reviews

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

PEOPLE OVEREXAGERATE ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!!

[6 September 1999]

This movie is overhyped.

Clockwork Orange was overhyped. People said that was the grossest, most violent thing ever on screen. It had NOTHING. There was NOTHING violent, maybe just ONE scene or two, and it was mild. I got so mad after watching it!

Ok, this movie suffers the same fate, but triple. Quadruple, even.

I'm not saying the movie was bad or anything, it was just NOT SCARY!!!! Why do people have to say this was scariest movie of all time??? There was not ONE DAMN SCARY THING IN IT. Ok, there was one piece of something red, that you don't even know what it is. Looks like flesh. But whatever.

This movie is not scary.

Seven was a scary movie. It wasn't that scary.. but there were a couple scenes I'll never forget. The Pedophile who was tied to his bed for years, and who was still alive. A living skeleton. That scene scared the sh*t out of me (it didn't scare me... it surprised me... people confuse "scary" with "surprising". If someone sneaks up to you and yells in your ear... that's not scary. That's a "surprise". But people call that scary when that happens. That's so wrong.) Still though... I would lie awake at night and think about that guy. He ate his tongue to stay alive. He was a living skeleton. It disturbed me. And that was good. That's what a good movie should do.

The Blair Witch Project was a walk in the park. Nothing was scary at all. Go watch, I don't know... episode #.. um.. 212 of the simpsons. Or no... um, read a random page from the LA times. Whatever. The Blair Witch Project is no scarier.

Ok, the camera shaking. People say the camera shaked so much that people would VOMIT. WHAT THE HELL???? It didn't shake that much!!!! Hey I hope you guys who said that don't go sailing. You won't get seasick... you'll probably die.

Also, the camera was SUPPOSED to shake around a little. These guys were hiking through the woods with packs strapped onto their backs. Packs that were almost as big as they were!!!!

Also, don't complain that the movie "looked like a home movie". Jeesus christ, it IS a home movie!!! They used a handheld camera to film it! What do you expect? Con-Air?

But there's nothing scary. You never see what is chasing the 3 people. Rocks and sticks are left around them. But those aren't scary either. Screaming and yelling and crying and fighting and shaking and trembling... that's not scary to watch either. Hell I watch that every day in my dysfunctional family!

Here's where the genius is: Movies cost around 100 million dollars or so to make. Half of that just pays the movie stars. Then, say, 200 millions dollars to advertise in your face all day. Then the movie has to sell hopefully 700 million dollars over the course of its run, to make 4 hundred million dollars. Of course, then there's the whole crew and studio that got paid their salaries, and royalties, and paying back loans, and the big guys cash out with maybe a hundred million bucks. Ok, the Blair Witch takes $30,000 to make. But for some reason, idiots are SO scared by it, it's called the scariest movie of all time, they market it on the web for almost free, and it ends up making over a hundred million bucks. It made just as much or more than a full production film. That's genius. Congratulations Heather, Mike, and Josh. You guys fooled America and cashed out. Ain't this country beautiful??

The Sixth Sense (1999)

Great plot twist, but holes ruin it

[6 September 1999]

WARNING -- this review MAY contain spoilers, but I've taken great care to write it very discreetly so that you shouldn't be affected by the review if you haven't yet watched the movie -- WARNING

The plot twist in the Sixth sense makes the movie. Think of the plot twist (which is revealed at the very end) like a fine silk robe.

Except it's ruined because it's full of holes.

In the beginning of the movie, the psycho shoots Bruce Willis and kills himself.

Then it says "NEXT FALL", and the movie continues from there. Over a year later, where Bruce Willis meets the boy.

That's first hole. Would Bruce Willis go for over a year not knowing the secret? (By, the secret, I mean what you, the viewer, would know after the plot twist is revealed, at the end of the movie.)

Also, if the secret would hold true, Cole's (The boy's) mother should never have spoken with Bruce Willis.

Also, all of the ghosts that the boy sees are scary. They all have their death marks on them. The 1970's teen ghost has his head blown off. The girl ghost pukes up her poisoned insides. The housewife ghost shows her slashed wrists. But the secret of the movie does not follow this same pattern with the doctor ghost. You never see any wounds on the doctor ghost. Hmm... well unless that's because he never turns his back during the whole movie?? You wouldn't see the wound on the 1970's teen ghost if he never turned around either... but I'm not sure... maybe I should watch it again?... Also, none of the other ghosts speak. They stare blankly and then walk away. Why would that ghost doctor speak then?????? It makes no sense!!!

The worst part is, again, that it continues over a year later after Bruce Willis gets wounded. I mean, Bruce Willis would NOT have gone for over a year without knowing the secret. Seriously. If all the other points I listed above where little holes in my silk robe, pin holes even, then this fact is like a giant tear. The movie should've continued in the next day, or next week after he gets hit. Not "NEXT FALL". UHHHHhhhh.

Other than that though, a great movie, which promotes post-movie conversation.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)

Basically one of the funniest movies ever. A classic.

[6 September 1999]

Wow. Some other Monty Python movies can get tedious... but this one keeps rolling strong until the end. The ending sucks. That's why this movie is classic. It has great lines. The only movie that is funnier than this is "Fist of the North Star". (see my review of that.. it is the greatest movie of all time). Both movies though have lines you can quote forever.

Let me compare the greatest movie of all time (Fist of the North Star, cartoon, English dubbed version), and this movie... which is almost the greatest movie. Both have EXACTLY THE SAME QUALITIES. Listen up, people:

Both movies have memorable scenes you WILL NEVER forget (like the Black knight, killer rabbit, Tom, Anthrax Castle, Knights who say "Ni!", the guards who can't follow orders, the bloody massacre in the castle for no reason, the troll guarding the bridge of death, and many other scenes)

Seriously.. thinking back.. this movie is ALMOST as funny and great as fist of the north star.

Both movies have lines you will always quote (like "You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest.... with a... herring!!!", and "we are an autonomous collective!!!", and "I fart in your general direction!!!")

And of course both movies have characters you will never forget.

That is why this is one of the greatest movies of all time, and why Fist of the North Star is THE GREATEST movie of all time.

(fist of the north star has more quotable lines, infinitely funnier scenes, and unforgettable characters)

But yes, so does Holy Grail... it has Memorable scenes. Quotable lines. it's also FUNNY AS ALL HELL.

A true classic.

People that say "American Pie" and "There's Something about Mary" are the funniest movies of all time have NOT seen this movie.

Oh one more thing... you'll want to watch both movies OVER and OVER and OVER again.

Like UHF. Spaceballs. Fist of the North Star. Monty Python and the holy grail. You can never grow tired of them. Funny how these are usually comedies.

Well, that's it. That said GO AND WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

So visually powerful, but...

[2 June 1999]

This movie was great! Star Wars has awesome characters, and an awesome story. Now, in our modern day, it has awesome special effects, too. (I'm not saying that the original trilogy had BAD special effects, in fact they were great for their time, but... c'mon. C'MON. ... c'mon.) In fact the movie was so visually powerful that my eyes actually became glued to the screen. Unfortunately, my eyes were then confiscated by the theatre. Seriously, though, some of the original wonder and fantasy of Star Wars was lost in the powerful effects and visuals, but I'm sure that the young people of today, for whom The Phantom Menace is their first Star Wars, will think of the original trilogy as the one lacking in the goods. I just love the whole star wars universe. I can't get enough of reading about external characters and stories, especially the Jedi, and the Jedi council. But I rate movies by sheer entertainment. Therefore, the Matrix edged out Star Wars in pure entertainment, much as I thought it would. But the most entertaining movie of all time, and therefore THE greatest movie EVER, is still Fist of the North Star (english dubbed, 1986 animated version). The greatest movies all have their niches. Hamlet (Branagh version) was extremely powerful. Matrix was extremely entertaining. Star Wars was extremely technological and great. But in sheer entertainment, none can yet topple the sheer ecstasy and joy of watching Fist of the North Star. Please read my review of it, on the imdb. thank you. star wars rules.

Hamlet (1996)

A True Masterpiece

[10/10 · 24 April 1999]

There were a lot of things going against this movie for me before I watched it.

First, I was a typical high school senior, in a Shakespeare class I didn't really even like, much less understood half of! Shakespeare would be no more than UNINTELLIGIBLE without me pouring ALL my concentration into his almost encrypted plays... encrypted with his extremely difficult to understand language.... and then I still wouldn't get most of it.

Second, it was 4 hours long! I never thought that could be a good thing.

Well let me tell you something. This movie was so masterful, so beautiful, I actually understood all the language as it was being performed. Now, the script was followed to the letter in this movie, the same script that was incomprehensible to me in Shakespeare class. And here I was my mind opening and me understanding it. I was doubting myself while watching the movie almost! But lo and behold... when performed, and only then, Shakespeare comes to life. So this version of Hamlet showed me that Shakespeare is indeed a master, who wrote great stories. When I saw it on the big screen, especially in the high budget major motion picture style (with beautiful cinematography and photography), and acted amazingly by Brannagh and cast, somehow.... I understood what was going on. What was being said. The language is awesome and passionate. It allows for more raw emotion... when words can't describe something, maybe Shakespeare's words can.

I still hold to this day that Fist of The North Star (animated, english dub) is the greatest movie ever made. No movie provides more sheer entertainment. But for a movie to come close to dethroning Fist from that position (which Hamlet did -- it came close) is truly amazing.... awe inspiring. It wasn't a movie. It was an event.

Even more amazing, it made me appreciate shakespeare. Wow. Powerful. Powerful is the word. One of the rare, TRULY powerful movies out there.

This gets 2 hundred trillion stars out of infinity stars. Yes yes.

By the way, all you kids out there in a Shakespeare class... forget it. You're wasting you're time. You have to see the plays performed. Only then will justice be done to them.

Falling Down (1993)

Memorable

[9/10 · 24 April 1999]

This movie is so cool. You know how you sometimes feel like you want to kill someone or take the law into your own hands? No? Yeah right. This movie took that feeling and showed what would happen if someone actually snapped and carried it out. But to make it brilliant, they made it a nerd, a weakling guy stereotype. Now he KICKS A**. Everyone at some extent has D-Fens, the character Michael Douglas plays, in themselves. Everyone's felt used or abused at one point or another. Even though D-Fens is breaking the law and doing bad things you CHEER for him because he is attacking truly awful things. He beats up and kills a white supremacist and violently anti-gay shopkeeper. He threatens a fast food chain with an Uzi because the picture of the food was not indicative of the product you receive. He beat some sense into gangsters. He went from a true American worker bee to a true American Hero. Or anti-hero? But most of all, the movie is fun to watch. That is always the most important thing.

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

True Disappointment

[24 April 1999]

Now what the hell is this? For years, I hear about this movie, hushed in whispers like it was an underground illegal drug, the most violent horrible movie ever.

Finally I get off my butt and actually RENT the thing, and what does it offer in "ultraviolence" and gore? NOTHING! Oh the rape scene? It was like 5 minutes! Not even the stuff they showed Alex to brainwash him was very shocking at all. Hell no, this movie had hardly any violence! If you want to see REAL ultra violence, watch Fist of The North Star (animated). That is the greatest movie ever. So I was disappointed. But I wouldn't let that be the judge of the movie. So people blew the shock value of it all out of proportion? So what, it was still a good, entertaining movie, right?

HELL NO, the thing was BORING. It was worth watching, no doubt, to see what would happen next, but still. It wasn't exciting, it wasn't suspenseful or captivating. All it had going for it was the ultraviolence and shock value, but that turned out to be all blown out of proportion.... not even. In fact I now consider all that I heard about the movie to be LIES. That's how far from the truth all the rumors about the movie are.

Oh well, at least now I can say I've seen the stupid thing.

Super Force (1990–1992)

THE ORB!!! THE ORB!!!!

[23 April 1999]

I was 11 when this was on TV, but I'll never forget a few scenes. One was a pre-intro scene (the scene before the opening credits and first commercial break roll), in a Toy Store. I SWEAR it looked like a toy store commercial. I really thought it was just another commercial. Then this evil dude bulldozes the thing down. I was like, YES!!! Then I realized it was the start of the show.

Anyway, that's not what is funny. What is FUNNY CHEESY is Superforce has so many hidden gadgets in his suit, almost like Inspector Gadget (HA!) There was one scene where the sides of his helmet opened up and out of each side a missile emerged and shot the bad guy. Guess what that means! NO ROOM FOR A BRAIN!!! HAHAHAHA!!!

The BEST OF ALL THOUGH, was one episode where the weapon in question was an orb. The Orb would hover, then chase down its victim at high speeds, then crash into his temple, so that half the orb was visible, and the other half buried in the bloody head. The run away from orb scenes were SOOO funny.

Anyway, I digress. There's no point because no one will ever see this again, unless some mook taped and kept all the episodes.

UHF (1989)

Hell YES!!!

[23 April 1999]

This movie is AWESOME. NOW, you will watch it NOW!

This just had so much wacky random funny stuff in it, it's unbelievable. My favorite scene is the "REVENGE" scene where weird Al is all buffed out and shoots a giant bow and arrow at POINT BLANK, and of course it makes an explosion. Helicopters, 30 ¢, that was awesome, then even better, they blow up random images (Channel 7 CEO, Statue of Liberty, etc. etc.) "what's in the box??? NOTHING!!!! STOOOPAAADDDD!!!!" That was THE BEST!!! Michael Richards is in this!

Just watch it, OK????

American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989)

HORRIBLE

[23 April 1999]

Oh, god. Insomnia really sucks. So at 3 in the morning this movie comes on on channel 5, of all channels. I thought I'd be in for a treat (name recognition), but no, this movie really sucked.

Yes, this movie uses elements that other movies of this type do... just not very well at all. One element... This movie shows Sean (a boy, then) watch his father get killed in the very beginning of the movie. But no real emotion there. It was a very quick, abrupt scene. But in the next scene he is still a boy, training in some jungle, with a smile on his face! Then it never mentions the loss of his father until the end of the movie, where he is emotionally charged by a flashback of that first scene, which was an even quicker take! UGH. So that whole retribution / power thing was screwed in this movie. Another element is that of a warrior reaching ultimate power after the mind being cleared. Every martial arts movie has this. Fist of the North star (animated) in the beginning, and most recently, the Matrix, at the very end. Those movies used that element WELL. This movie... well, I'll have to say, it was the best part of the film but it still sucked. He used this new power to kick a** but then, all the fight scenes in the movie were badly choreographed anyway. They are slow and weak.

Do not watch this movie! Only if you are awake, and too lazy to move your thumb on the remote control to turn off the TV.

Hands of Steel (1986)

low budget but great...

[23 April 1999]

I actually saw this movie many years ago. I was a kid when I saw it. The thing is, the movie never left my memory. Unlike so many other low budget action flicks, this one still has a spot in my memory. That is why it is great. I remember the awesome stereotype bounty hunter character (long white hair, long white beard, black leather trenchcoat, sawed off shotgun), I remember the arm wrestling match where the loser gets his wrist pinned in a shackle to be bitten by a poisonous snake, and how the cyborg beat the former champ (who had much bigger arms, by the way), but then saved him from his own snake, I remember the acid rain scene where the cyborg must quickly drive through the acid rain road section, and how you see the hood of the car start to dissolve, and more. For some reason, this movie just was pretty good. It is very low budget looking, but don't let the looks fool you. I have been wanting to see this again for a long time now but I haven't been able to find it anymore. Well, if you find it, consider yourself lucky and watch it. I don't remember much more about it, so, that's all, folks.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Random Battle Humor Dragon Sword Fire Funny!!!

[23 April 1999]

Oh my god, this Internet movie database is resurfacing old &cheesy but classic movie memories!! I just finished adding a comment for the great B movie "Hands of Steel", also made in 1986 (so I guess that was a good year for this type of movie), but no, Big Trouble... is a CLASSIC in the most pure sense of the word.

The movie is successful because it milks stereotypes. Yes, it's using the perfect stereotype for every character. The typical New Yorker Trucker gwailo (Kurt Russel, of course), the typical ancient samurai warriors and evil lords, the typical chinese sidekicks. In fact, I bet this movie was what inspired (or allowed to be ripped off) the whole Mortal Kombat thing!

Then it gets hilarious with all the stereotypical hyper paced almost random fight scenes in the Eastern style, but this movie has Kurt Russel's character's viewpoints adding comic relief throughout the movie making it uniquely American! Yes, the clashing of the stereotypes!

This is a movie you HAVE to watch for it's action, and at the same time, its comedy. It's great fun! The only other movie I can really say that about is Fist of The North Star... the ANIMATED one, people! Yes, a true classic.

Fist of the North Star (1986)

The greatest film ever made

[10/10 · 15 April 1999]

I love violence on screen. This movie satisfied that to the extreme. This is the most violent movie possibly EVER released. A lot of people hate this film because it is a blood fest with "no point", but you have to understand, the point of the movie is to MAKE FUN of the whole thing. Now, I'm also a big fan of comedy, and this movie satisfied the comedy WITH the violence! It's genius, because so few people see this. Add to that, an intricate story line that follows through and makes sense. The movie is all about going from big, powerful guys and gruesome death scenes to more and more and more gruesome death scenes and more powerful guys. The writing is excellent (and funny!). Like I said about comedy, the death scenes are made to make you laugh, the writing and speech are designed almost so that you can predict what's going to happen before it does! Then the speech becomes like a punch line. e.g. "A fight to the death, then!" "You're already dead." and "Hey. These belong to you?" You have to watch this movie to know what I mean, of course. Heh heh. the music is good, and the English dubbing is awesome. The voices are perfect. The drawing style is great, too. The huge muscles small heads approach (trust me, it is VERY realistic) is hilarious, yet cool looking. Rent it at Blockbuster video under the animation section or action / kung fu. One gripe: the ending (the last like 2 minutes) sucks. Corny love / regrowth stereotype there.

I have to add, the funniest moment in any movie EVER in the world is in this movie. It is the scene where Shin kills his own trusted commander. PLEASE watch this movie so you can agree with me. The punch line effect of the writing and the animation is so subtle, so superb. I was laughing for hours (slight exaggeration. Slight.) The only thing wrong with this movie is that it is under infinity hours long.