alcalde Reviews

Red Canopy (2006 Video)

Not the worst movie ever made. But in the running.

[2/10 · 15 April 2011]

By the gods. This is 88 minutes that I will never get back. And I want it back.

I've been re-watching a lot of 80's chop socky movies lately, realizing that 20 some odd years later, they're not nearly as good as what I thought they were at the time.

Netflix is a wonderful thing. Flat rate and I can watch all the schlock I can stand. Well, with all my Sho Kosugi, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal and Jean Claude Van Damme selections, this title popped up in my recommendations. I always figured with Netflix, what the heck. If I don't like a movie, I can just turn it off. But some things are just so, so bad that you just have to see it through to the end.

In case you missed the note, spoilers ahead.

First off, when you're a green belt in any style, you would never, ever, EVER put on a black belt "just to see how it looked", unless you were in the privacy of your own home with the curtains drawn.

The description calls the main character "brash". I'd have to go with disrespectful, insolent and if I were his Sensei, out on the freakin' street.

So this Sensei, see, he sends this idiot to the forest outside of a town where his family was murdered. After seeing the flashback of the events of the past, ya gotta wonder... why didn't little rich boy finish him off, too. The younger girl was out cold and he sliced and diced her but left Sensei unconscious and untouched. Witness, much? Better yet, origin point for a revenge movie.

Anyway, Johnny "I can kick anyone's butt" goes to the forest where he is knocked unconscious so many times that I actually thought to myself "this guy is going to die from a major concussion by the end of the film!". He shows absolutely no martial prowess whatsoever. Even as a green belt he should have done a lot better job of defending himself instead of getting his butt handed to him every ten minutes.

And continuity! Where to begin? OK, so I realize that the "ghosts" move his stuff around. A lot. But they always make a point of indicating when that happens. His bag is moved. DUH, Duh, duh. His bokken goes missing. DUH, Duh, duh. But c'mon there are so many times that he's carrying the bokken, then he's not. It almost like one of those "what's different in picture B than A" puzzles.

And the "ghosts"? What exactly are they? Tangible? Not? The woman with the sword seems pretty tangible. I mean, she sliced up the guy in the beginning pretty good. She and the younger woman kicked the crap out of Johnny, yet when he went to touch her, he passed right through her. And he could touch the boy when he grabbed him to save him from the falling tree... that never actually fell.

And after it's all said and done, they close with the Sensei looking through the photo album almost, but not quite, in tears. What did Johnny learn? That helping ghosts get revenge on their murderers was more important than the almighty tournament? Do we get that from his sitting in the field as the sun sets? So maybe I'm rambling, but honestly, there is just so much wrong with this dren that it's like swinging a big stick in a pinata factory. No matter where you swing, you're going to hit something. Only you ain't getting candy out of the deal.

And the only reason I didn't give it one star was, well, I really have seen worse. But not much.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997–2003)

Sadness descends

[10/10 · 28 March 2010]

It is so hard to believe it's been so long since this wonderful program first graced our television sets. Even harder to believe that I didn't get hooked until the fifth season.

I knew of it's existence, of course, but I thought what a lot of people did. "Buffy? C'mon... Buffy?!? The...VAMPIRE slayer??". So I discounted it until I was flipping around many, many channels of garbage and stopped on either Spike (the channel) or FX and paused because it was the most interesting thing on.

The episode was Listening to Fear, and although I thought it was a bit hokey, I was intrigued and began to watch regularly. The series was still airing new episodes at the time and even though I wanted to watch those, I wanted to have the entire experience before the finale. As I moved through season five, they aired the final episode and it took all my will not to watch.

Cable television did what cable television does, so at the end of the fifth season, they wrapped and began airing from episode one. I was hooked. No... that's not quite right. You get hooked on "things". Buffy was not... is not "a thing". This "mere" television show and it's wondrous cast of constantly developing characters were real. Honest. They were family, as many have said before.

I miss them all terribly, even though I still see or hear them it's not the same. I watched Repo: The Genetic Opera and I saw Giles. I watched Scooby Doo and saw Buffy. How I Met Your Mother? Willow.

Honestly, this wasn't just a good or even great show. It was an important show. The genius flowed down from Joss and permeated the beings of everyone who worked on the program. As much as I would love to see them all in character once more, I hope it never happens, because magic only happens once and even Joss could not top what he's already gifted the world with.

All I can say is, to Joss all the way down to "Best Boy" or the catering service, thank you for the best years television has ever seen. You should all be proud.

The Warrior Within (1977)

A Fond Look Back

[9/10 · 23 December 2004]

I first saw this film at my Sifu's house back in the early 80's. It is so thoroughly motivating to a young (then) martial artist! All of these warriors together (sort of) in one place. It is still amazing to me to watch these masters in the performance of their art, yet there is a sadness that comes with it.

Several years ago, Wesley Snipes produced and hosted a television special that honored many of the great masters featured in this film. Most notably, to me, was Moses Powell.

While some of the artists performed onstage during that special, many were simply too old to live up to their former glory. There were a couple of masters that were simply painful to watch.

I, in no way, deride their performance; I simply acknowledge the ache in my heart, knowing that we all get older and eventually become unable to do the things we once did. Even our heroes and idols grow old and infirm.

I am very glad, however, that their glory has been captured forever in films such as this one.

Peace, honor and respect to you, masters.

*bow*

Hulk (2003)

Entertaining, but semi-lame

[3/10 · 4 July 2003]

I've been looking forward to this film ever since it I first heard about it, though that seems like it was a thousand years ago. Any chance to see one of my comic book heroes from my youth on the big screen is always worth the price of admission.

We've seen a lot of them, over the years...Batman...Superman...Captain America. (Ick.) We even saw the Punisher. The last few seasons have been a nice thrill ride. It's so nice to see the Marvel name up in lights. The X-Men. Spiderman. Daredevil. And now the Hulk.

I heard quite a few snickers when the Green Beastie was doing his Batroc imitation, but that was a serious cool factor for me. Too bad they couldn't have pulled that off back in the Lou/TV series days...I always thought that was kinda hokey, but heck, like I said...any time you get to see your fav comic book heroes come to life...

Anyway...back to the film. I loved Sam Elliot as General Ross. Awesome job. But the backstory...Oh. My. God. It's been a loooooong time since my eyelids actually got droopy in a movie. And the fades and transitions...hmmm...I'm not that familiar with the director, so I don't know if the frame screen sequences are a directorial trademark, or just a tip of the hat to the comic book panel origins of The Hulk. I just know they didn't do much for me...

All in all, I was just a little disappointed. After seeing what was done with the X-Men, X-Men 2, Spiderman and Daredevil, I guess I just had my hopes up a little too high. Visually, they made the Hulk everything I could have hoped for. I just think there was too much in the beginning, and the end...well, I don't care much for swirling, metaphysical baddies. Probably why I never cared for Dr. Strange.

So, I was entertained, but I would have been better entertained if I had waited until it went to the cheapie movies, or out on video.

Horror 101 (2001)

What a stinker!

[3/10 · 30 December 2002]

Wooden acting, (as usual, Ms. Derek?) over acting or just plain bad acting...a lame plot full of more holes than a slice of swiss cheese. These are a few of my _least_ favorite things.

I mean, c'mon, people! This was done in 2000. 2000!!

It played, and in fact I thought it was, something from the lost eighties. I did notice, however, that of the three writers, this is the only credit for two of them. The third writer has a whopping TWO credits. Can't wait to see what this dream team can do once they get out of junior high.

Rounded out with an all star cast, this one is IN THE CAN!

The trash can.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to go put Scary Movie in the VCR.

Hardware (1990)

I had high hopes.

[1/10 · 30 December 2002]

And was disappointed. Over a decade later and after coming up on four decades of going to the movies, this remains the only movie I have _ever_ walked out on. I even sat through Mortal Kombat 2 and Battlefield Earth.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)

Somber, but entertaining

[7/10 · 20 August 2001]

The character, vehicle and "monster" animation were superb, but I was kind of left flat by what should have been the "bigger-than-life" effects. It seemed as though so much attention was being paid to the characters, that the background animation was left to the staff artists. The ones who churn out four dozen episodes of Pokemon per day.

OK, maybe it's not that bad, but there is a noticeable difference...

The mood of the movie is sort of dark; somber, as I mentioned in the summary. That seems to be the tone of just about every Japanese-style animated movie I've seen. Asian in general, actually. See the end of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and you'll understand the mood I mean.

Not that it's a bad thing, mind you...but something a little lighter, please! With anime, it seems like when the hero gets into a situation that he can't possibly get out of...he (or she) doesn't!

As far as the story goes...hey! It entertained me. Bottom line. Maybe it's been done before, in many, varied forms...but never like this. One can't help but think that in a few short years, technology will have advanced to the point where Elvis, Jim or Buddy could release new hit single, or John Wayne might saunter into the nearest saloon and sit down to have a drink with Clayton Moore. Not that I ever remember the Lone Ranger partaking of the liquid spirit...

So, anyway, while I'm not sure that I would have appreciated paying 6 or 7 bucks to see this movie, it was worth the money we did pay (plus concessions) and really needs to be seen on the big screen.

On a 1 to 10...I'd have to say...7.

Edit: 1/8/2011

OK, so it's been more than just a few short years since I wrote this. But have you seen Tron: Legacy yet...? Hmm? It's happening...

Robot Wars (1998–2018)

American TV Execs take note

[7 September 2000]

I managed to catch an episode of this wonderful show purely by accident. We decided to stay home one Saturday afternoon, and as we were flipping around the channels, we happened across it. The first thing I heard was the voice of the host, Craig Charles, that I immediately recognized from another wonderful show, Red Dwarf. My girlfriend was ready to keep on going around the dial, but I wanted to watch, mainly because I like Craig so much. He's just plain cool! So we watched the show, and it was amazing! It's like...as we Americans talk about how it'd be cool to do this or that, and it's usually just talk, the Brits are getting out into the garage, and actually building this stuff, and finding their way onto international television, as well!

Hey, I'm gonna have to subscribe to TV Guide so I can find out when and where this shows going to be on again.

Peace!

X-Men (2000)

Finally...one that works...

[9/10 · 30 July 2000]

This film could have failed miserably on so many levels, like almost each and every 'costumed-comic-hero-to-live-action' film ever made. But it didn't. It succeeded marvelously. (Pun intended.)

I have been disappointed with a lot of movies lately. In fact, I think the last action picture I was impressed with was 'Blade'. The only complaint I had was with the actor that played Cyclops. If there was a weak link in the cast, he was it. He was not a strong actor, and he was way, way too young. I actually expected Logan to irritate me more, considering that Cyclops has been my favorite since before The Beast had hair! But in this instance, they could have dropped him out of the airplane over the water, and I wouldn't have missed him.

Of course, the anchor to the film was the same as the anchor to the x-men. Prof. X. It's hard not to see Captain Picard when you look at Mr. Stewart, but I'm really glad he was cast in this role. Way back when this film was just a rumour, and we were all doing our 'fantasy casting', Patrick Stewart was always at the top of everyone's list.

So, all in all, my total complaints amount to: Cyclops was a too young jerk, Storm was too short, Rogue was a bit too weepy, although on a deeper level, it works. And...um...Oh! Well, I guess that's about it! Not too bad, when that's all that's 'wrong' with a movie.

Oh, and thank you to the film makers for all the little inside, and semi-inside gems. Such as a nod of the head to the other mutants from other comic titles, and even to the original x-men. A very nice touch, indeed! Who ever was responsible must actually be a fan!

So there it is. Worth every penny. I own three movies (yes, "THE" Trilogy...) and when this one comes out, I'm going to make it four!

Go! Enjoy! And don't forget the extra butter on the popcorn...

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

pathetic

[1/10 · 28 June 2000]

This was the most pathetic excuse for a movie that I have ever suffered through. This has got to be a career ender for a lot of people...on camera and off. I'd rather watch my son play the video game for two hours than this <censored>. What a waste. It tops my list of 'worst'. Even over "Hardware". Sheesh! If you find this thing for 99 cents in the bargain bin at your local video store. Snatch it up. Then put a piece of scotch tape over the little hole, and tape a couple episodes of Mad TV over it. It's cheaper than buying a new tape...

Titan A.E. (2000)

Quite enjoyable

[7/10 · 18 June 2000]

I truly pity people who go to a movie and critique every small detail. Who catalog every continuity gaffe, or 'scientific impossibility'. They're missing out on some great entertainment. Such as Titan A.E.

I go to the video store, and I see many, many new releases in the drama, comedy or action/adventure sections that I would really like to see. Then I get to the Science Fiction section and I see the drivil that has oozed east from Hollyweird. This section is dominated by the 'Star' franchises. Star Trek, and Star Wars. Oh, sure, occasionally you get a gem like The Terminator, but for the most part, you get one decent Sci-Fi flick to every twenty from other genres. Which is interesting, when you consider that some of the earliest film making involved Science, or Speculative Fiction. A Trip to the Moon, in 1914, or Metropolis in 1927...

Anyway, I was very entertained for the duration of this film, and feel it was well worth my time and money. And the fact that I ran out of popcorn, and was more interested in the movie than in a free refill speaks highly of it, as well! My rating: 7.5/10

Mission: Impossible II (2000)

Good action flick

[5/10 · 4 June 2000]

I've read a lot of negative comments about this film, and all I can say is: lighten up!

This is a motion picture. Fiction. From beginning to end, it is just a story meant to entertain, which is how I rate movies. I go to escape my dull and boring life, and be entertained.

Ok...so there were some scenes that require the viewer to work a little harder to achieve a willful suspension of disbelief, but what the heck...we do that almost every time we sit down in a theatre.

Yes, I agree that Tom Cruise could have been replaced by Pierce Brosnan, and they could have called it a Bond film without changing another aspect of the film. And I would have been just as entertained. Hey...I like Bond!

And yes, this film deviates quite a bit from the '60's (!) television show, and I'm sorry for that. It could have been a much richer film. But in comparison, I was much more disappointed in The Phantom Menace than I was in this one. Overall, MI:2 keeps it's pace, and aside from a plot device (you'll know what I mean when you see the movie) that gets waaay overused, this gets a 7/10 from me. Go enjoy! Oh...one more thing...It's worth seeing on the big screen just for the sequence in which Ethan Hunt is introduced.

Dogma (1999)

Thought provoking...Funny...Bizarre

[9/10 · 4 June 2000]

I don't offend easily, and ended up laughing my way through this movie. Seeing Alanis onscreen caught me a little off guard, but I quickly warmed to the idea. With all the talk of God being a "He" or a "She" or white or black or whatever, this film points out our narrow mindedness by simply stating (or more accurately, demonstrating) that God not only can be, but is all things to all people. And if anyone can exhibit the vastness of the love of a superior being with her smile alone...it's Alanis Morrisette.

Heavy Metal (1981)

Classic

[9/10 · 26 May 2000]

Has it really been almost twenty years...? I never got to see this in the theatre, unfortunately, but I bought a copy of it for my girlfriend the month that it was released on video. We sent the kiddies to bed, popped some popcorn and settled in. She had seen it in the theatre, and kept saying "Wow...I don't remember that..." a lot. Personally, I try not to critique a movie based on production values, props, special effects...you know...the technical stuff. That's what Maltin gets paid for. I rate movies on how I feel. When I walk out of the theatre, do I regret spending the four fifty on it. In this case, I dropped a twenty on purchasing the video, and I am satisfied.

Besides...tell me you don't see a lot of influence on The Fifth Element from this movie! If nothing else, see it for the absolute Killer-with-a-capital-K soundtrack!

Flash Gordon (1980)

Sweet Nostalgia

[7/10 · 26 November 1999]

1980 brought us a few memorable movies, such as "Superman II" and "Caddyshack", but 1980 should be remembered for the sprawling epic, "Flash Gordon". The vision was astounding, the soundtrack by Queen phenomenal. Sure, Hollywood was still riding the crest of the wave started by "Star Wars", but so what? I think this film would have run into some difficulty getting made if George Lucas had not already opened the door.

I used to watch reruns of the Flash Gordon 1936 serials, and I think that this rendition of one of America's original heros was a great tribute. Maybe this film didn't have a heavy social message to convey to the audience, but in 1980 we didn't need another moral message. We wanted/needed a movie that didn't make us think. We wanted escapism. Something to take us away for an hour and a half, or so. And "Flash Gordon" succeeded admirably. Besides, it's a DeLaurentis production. What's not to like?